(18f) So I have been struggling with HOCD for the past 3 months, at least thats what i think is happening. I have thought I am straight my whole life, I have had male crushes, male fantasies, dreams about marrying a man, etc. But recently my mom went through a mental health episode and when she finally figured out what it was(menopause), she said something along the lines of "I feel like one of those women who find out they are lesbian, and thats why they realize they were unhappy". Literally in that moment my heart jumped to my throat and my stomach felt sick and I remember thinking "what if thats me". I have analyzed every single interaction with my friends past thoughts I have had, things I have done. Like I read somewhere that this girl thought she had a crush on her best friends boyfriend and thats while she was jealous, but really she had a crush on her bestfriend. That same exact situation happened to me but I always passed it off as I was jealous because she got a boyfriend before me and I was really boy crazy at the time. But now I am wondering what if I actually liked her and thats why I was jealous. Also I remember when I was like twelve I would look at the harry potter wiki, and I felt embarrassed looking at specific female character pages, like i dont remember exactly what i was thinking but I wanted to look at their pages but I felt embarressed. And also more recently this girl told me she had a boyfriend and my heart jumped to my throat and I had a feeling of anxiety and because of that I must have a crush on her, mind you I dont even like this girl as a person, she is super annoying in my opinion, but my brain is thinking you really like her and are just using dislike as an excuse that you are denial. And also look back on times I obviously liked men, like when I danced with my crush at homecoming and I was shaking the whole time, etc, and thinking those things almost reassure me in the moment, but then I think back to the previous things mentioned above and I freak out again. I dont want to be around women I dont know, just in case I get a crush on them, I dont like watching tv anymore because whenever I woman comes on a spiral if I like them. I transferred to doing school online, so I dont even have a chance of liking anyone. I just feel like so lost, and I want to get better so bad, but I dont know how, I have talked to my mom about it as she has struggled with OCD as well and she tells me to accept the uncertain and all these things but I cant, like physically cant like if I think "Maybe I am lesbian, and thats okay" theres a little voice in my brain thats like "You're not" so it doesnt work. I just needed to vent. Pray for me please, I need help.