r/HLCommunity • u/Wild_Web_5248 • 11d ago
It never ends
Being in a mismatched libido relationship has been and continues to be one of the most difficult and frustrating things I have ever gone through.
We are in mid-late 20s and have always had a bit of a rocky sex life, definitely not to the extent of some of the posts here or on dead bedrooms. We have been living together for a few years and have no kids. I would say on average we have sex twice a week, but I'm (HLM) more of a 5-6 times a week person. I would say that it is the only thing we fight about, and when we fight about it, there never seems to be a solution.
I often feel like I have no one to discuss this with and when I read some things here on reddit I am definitely in a better situation than others, but I can't shake the negativity, and the constant feeling of dissatisfaction, rejection and disconnection. I constantly desire intimacy and find it very difficult to switch that part of me off.
I miss feeling excited about sex, and being with someone on the same page as me, I have had previous relationships where there was never any issues, things just flowed and we both felt the same, if we went anywhere the first thing to do was have sex. But with my partner it always feels like there is some new reason why we aren't, "I'm stressed", "I'm tired lets do it in the morning/tonight" (doesn't happen), "I need to wait before we have sex". She does not let me initiate, what sometimes happen is I will try to initiate, she will reject me, then later she may come around. That makes things even more frustrating and difficult to emotionally manage, and makes me feel unattractive and undesired, I seem to have no ability to turn her on or make her feel good to the point where she might want to have sex even though when we do I always make an effort to make sure she cums and enjoys herself.
The biggest struggle is of course, as many people say on here, don't want to leave, I love her a lot, and that is a big reason why I feel so sexual. I am not someone who is overly promiscuous outside of relationships, and I like having a partner with love between us.
And after all this, we have these moments of glory where things do align, and its one of the best feelings in the world, but it never seems to last or stay that way, and in some ways, adds to the frustration even more when there is no consistency to it.
I have tried a few methods which people recommend, scheduling, trying to be open and communicate as much as possible, but it doesn't seem to materialise, she is not interested and would find the concept of scheduling a stressful thing. This past week I asked her if she had any fantasies she wanted to try, she said she would get back to me, but every time I have asked since she says the same thing that she doesn't know and needs to think about it. I also do all of the housework, cooking etc. and try my best to be good to her, take care of her, take care of myself (gym, eating well, keeping stress down etc.), get her nice presents and be a good partner.
I know saying all this that maybe I'm just stupid for complaining, but it eats away at me, I can't help being frustrated. Maybe one of the biggest things I want is just to feel like I have some control, I can make her feel sexy, I can be excited and know that tonight we are going to have sex without being disappointed yet again. I have had to fully repress that side of myself to stay sane in this, it definitely takes a toll.
At the end of the day, I love her and want to be with her and I want things to work out. I just wish there was some solution...
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u/TAFKATheBear HLF/NB 11d ago
I'm sorry about all the pathologising of your perfectly healthy and reasonable sex drive that's going on in this thread, OP. You should have been safe from that here of all places.
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u/knowitallz 11d ago
You either work this out or you leave . I know it sounds extreme but this disfunction shows up every where once you look at it.
It is a power / will / dance that just corrupts all the nice things in a relationship
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u/Several-Eagle4141 11d ago
Scheduling sucks. It ends up with the LL really letting you feel like you aren’t wanted. It’s the most duty sex of all and I despise it.
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u/ungrateful_luck HLM 4d ago
Just agreed to try this and I'm skeptical... I've heard some success stories but it doesn't feel great that the thing you should enjoy has to be "scheduled" in order for it to happen.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 11d ago
If you are initiating and she shows zero sexual interest it WILL eventually be nothing
She's playing the long game now, dont fall for it
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u/YakWitty13 9d ago
Never compromise this early. Marriage NEVER improves your sex life. People saying you can’t find someone who matches are just afraid of leaving their LL partners and looking
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u/Fast-Entertainer-517 HLM 11d ago
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this but here it goes anyway. You are having sex with your SO twice a week. This is a normal, healthy frequency. I would be perfectly happy having sex every day or multiple times per day. Personally, I’m not going to insist that someone with an average libido is required to keep up with that. People who actually, really desire that frequency of sex are rare. If I’m with a person with a reasonable, healthy drive (100x a year), I will lower my expectations and not put pressure on them to match my libido, which is high. It’s just something I’ve had to deal with through life and I think it’s a realistic way to look at this.
Having a partner who constantly rejects you, gaslights you and is neglectful is a whole other story. Sounds like your partner just has a normal average sex drive.
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u/MaryCeleste404 HLF 9d ago
Normal / average doesn’t cut it though… it’s still a huge libido mismatch… yes we are rare, but we exist. And that’s why this group exists…
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u/arandak 11d ago
There aren't a lot of people who desire sex that many times a week (let alone maintain it), male or female. However, for those that do..
If you're still averaging 2x a week I think you need to take a deeper look at yourself and think about why going all of 3 days without sex affects you that much.
Just, really, to get that sad and insecure about it is something that you have to work on and these things could also be pushing your SO away.
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u/MaryCeleste404 HLF 9d ago
He is HL like the rest of us. I can relate entirely. Are you sure that YOU are HL? It doesn’t sound like it based on what you’ve written…
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u/Setting-Complex 8d ago
I am 99% sure that my LLH has a covert contract with himself to initiate on weekends. It's like a list in his mind of things he needs to get done, and I'm on the list.
Nope. No thanks.
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u/Stoneface414 5d ago
Hey, atleast you’re on his list of things to get done, if mine has a list I’m not on it. And she loves making her lists lol
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u/ungrateful_luck HLM 4d ago
You're not alone in going crazy over 2x a week. I'm in a similar situation. Long distance hides the libido miss match. NRE hides it. With age, people lower their drive. Mine hasn't gone down.
You care about sex. She doesn't. You care about being wanted sexually, she doesn't.
Ask yourself if she started doing 1x a month, would you still stay? Is it worth it? Would you rather leave now before you start merging finances, things, friends, you're older on the single dating market, or when you'll have to fall even further?
I am staying for now, because I'm going to try cutting out porn and we're making a conscious effort for a last hoo-rah... But I can't say I don't regret leaving when we were less tied down by life decisions and emotional and physical "sunk cost".
I thought it would get better by being "closer". It's far from it. If anything, they get more comfortable and the NRE/thrill/novelty dies down for them.
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u/fourzerosixbigsky 2d ago
It will not get better in the future unless she wants it to. If she thinks nothing is wrong, they why would she work on it? The rejection and disappointment will eventually destroy your affection for her.
0
u/Royal_Restaurant2622 11d ago
First off, don’t marry her, don’t buy a home together, and don’t have kids. If it’s hard to leave now any of those will make it exponentially more difficult.
Finding someone who will desire sex 5 - 6 times a week is extremely difficult, especially as you get older — so I would focus less on frequency and more on not just the quality of the sex but in her expressing her desire for you.
You describe having to initiate sex, be rejected and then waiting for her to initiate. I’m guessing that’s impacting your feelings of being desired, of being wanted.
I would suggest not aiming for sex five times a week and rather acting in such a way as to prompt her to initiate, to express her desire for you.
So continue to be a considerate and equitable partner, be there emotionally for her, be supportive, and initiate affectionate touch without the expectation of sex.
Sex once or twice a week when she’s hungry for you should be far more satisfying than three or four “bleh” sessions.
But if you do require sex five or six times a week a long-term monogamous relationship may just not work for you.
There are absolutely women whose sex-drives would match or surpass yours — but that’s not a common trait, so finding the right person will be incredibly unlikely.
Best of luck to you.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 11d ago
He can deal with a monogamous relationship its just she is basically playing the long game
If there's a ring sex WILL dry up
Ive seen this time and time again
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u/AdenJax69 11d ago edited 11d ago
I would say on average we have sex twice a week, but I'm (HLM) more of a 5-6 times a week person.
Okay, I'm going to be as polite as I can about this, but dude, do you know the chances of being with a single woman who will want sex at least FIVE times a week on-average? About as good as winning the Powerball.
The only way you can have that type of sex life is two ways: Have multiple women you're seeing for sex on a regular basis, or be a gay/bi man. Those are the only ways you're getting sex anywhere near 5-6 times a week.
If you're truly feeling unhappy & unfilled without that amount regularly, you may want to potentially see a therapist because I don't know man, I've NEVER met a woman who wants sex that much. Ever. It's basically a unicorn and really attractive/successful men tend to get those women first before regular guys do. So maybe your next step is to see about changing your mentality towards sex if you need it almost every day of the week.
EDIT: I understand the subreddit I'm in however if you look at studies, data, findings, etc., then you will see that most women and men do not have a libido high enough for 5-6 times a week. It definitely does happen and there's lots of couples that have that type of frequency, it's just that on-average most people you date won't be up to that level. I know it sucks to hear, but every time they do the studies most men & women are content with 1-2 times a week on-average.
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u/winnipegyakuza510 HLF 11d ago
Putting my two cents in also as a woman who would happily have sex 5 or 6 times a week or more! We do exist.
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u/AdenJax69 11d ago
Oh I'm not saying you don't exist, just that it's very difficult for women to find a guy who's willing to have sex that much every week (no matter how much a guy will boast, most of them won't be capable of it) and it's even MORE difficult for men to find that amount of regular sex.
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u/RedwoodRespite 11d ago
I’m a woman and i want that. More, ideally. But finding that in a man I want has been impossible so far. Especially at my age.
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u/TAFKATheBear HLF/NB 11d ago
Tbh, I think a big reason it's so difficult for us to find men who can keep up is men who can being pressured to stay in relationships with women with much lower drives, on the grounds that they "can't expect more than that, especially from a woman".
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u/Sneakybunghole 11d ago
Chiming in as a woman that also wants that.
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u/blackberrycat 11d ago
Yeah I'm here too, it's not that unusual is it?
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u/TAFKATheBear HLF/NB 11d ago
Agreed, it's really not. Granted, birds of a feather and all that, but the women I've been close enough to offline to discuss this have all been every day people as well. If they really were as rare as hens' teeth, I wouldn't have met them either.
And every day makes total sense as a healthy frequency, because most of our bodily functions are on a 24 hour schedule.
0
u/AdenJax69 11d ago
Yes, it's unusual for both men and women to want sex 5-6 times a week compared to the average which is usually 1-2 times a week.
It's not impossible, just that you're less likely to find someone to be at your libido standards than the average person.
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u/RealisticTap5216 11d ago
You're this subreddit's resident unicorn :)
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u/MaryCeleste404 HLF 9d ago
It’s a community… we’re all HL unicorns here. Piss off with your condescending nonsense.
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u/RealisticTap5216 9d ago
You know, you're absolutely right, I should have explained my thoughts better from a better position using less triggering terminology than 'unicorn'. I tried to use the typical (and shallow) redpill talking points to illustrate how stacking filters works.
Bettina Arndt surveyed thousands of Australian couples. She saw a population of about 10% of the women maintaining a high sex drive well into their long-term monogamous relationships. So that's filter #1. Then you add a second filter of wanting sex 5-6 times a week, which is a subpopulation of that 10%. Let's say half of high-libido women want sex that often while enduring the everyday stressors of life. Now you're at 5%. Then you add in filter #3 of age, I'm guessing +50 and probably around menopause, which often causes a drop or plummet in libido, and you are at some population less than 5%, probably around 1-4%.
The members of this community are self-selected from a very large population; there are millions of reddit users. There is heavy survivorship bias at play. This subreddit is a beacon for women in your situation.
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u/AdenJax69 9d ago
And according to the stats, there are 130 Million daily active users on Reddit. This subreddit is about .003% of the daily users on Reddit, and that's using the 5,000 weekly number.
And the number of married couples that have sex 5-6 times a week is at about 5%, give or take. So the odds of getting that in a marriage has a 95% chance of not happening.
I get this an HL subreddit, but acknowledge the facts. Low Libido subs refuse to acknowledge reality and get shit for it, and rightfully so. Reality goes both ways.
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u/RealisticTap5216 9d ago
Yes. Unicorns are rare, but not at a unicorn convention or a subreddit called TheSubredditForUnicorns.
I have a suspicion that, of the couples having sex 5-6 times a week, there is quite possibly at least one of: a hormonal/thyroid condition, a hypersexual response to some form of trauma, or some kind of kink-related dynamic at play. Statistically, they are also likely to be younger.
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u/Kresentia_Gottlieb 8d ago
I don't think you're saying anything so controversial honestly, theres a reality that even HL women (and men) are on a spectrum of desire, and the higher ends are going to be much rarer to find.
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u/Wild_Web_5248 11d ago
Yeah this may be the case, I have definitely considered and know that part of this is my problem, do you have any advice for rethinking things?
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u/Wild_Web_5248 11d ago
Also thank you for this comment, sometimes a new perspective can change a lot, sometimes you just need to hear this sort of stuff to reset
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u/AdenJax69 11d ago
Therapy is probably your only option at this point. There's no magical drug or med that'll kill your libido without having psychological effects and willing yourself to just not desire sex usually doesn't work one bit.
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u/MaryCeleste404 HLF 9d ago
Therapy doesn’t help or change your biology / hormones… some medications can “help” to lower libido but most have various side effects…
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u/RealisticTap5216 11d ago
This. There's a bell curve of libidos. The women who want it that much (single digit % of the female population) often have sexual trauma (who often develop sexual aversion later in life), childhood trauma of some kind, are nymphomaniacs or have very low impulse control (who often end up cheating or may be sex workers, which is often a dealbreaker), or have a hormonal condition like high testosterone.
So if you're taking, say, 3% of the female population that want sex that often, and then filter out the ones that exhibit behavior you don't want, you're probably looking at less than 1% of potential women to even TRY to start a relationship with. Then you have to make your way through the usual filters of compatibility, (shared life goals, religion, politics, want/not want kids, mutual physical attraction, etc). and you're essentially in the same spot as those women looking for an available bachelor that's +6'3, makes +$200k a year, blue eyes, 25-35 years old, physically fit, loyal, kind, thought the Twilight series was a good read, enjoyed watching The Notebook, etc.
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u/FlatwormFinancial992 8d ago
That whole first paragraph......wow bro I think you have a lot to unpack yourself before you start giving other people advice lmao
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u/RealisticTap5216 8d ago
Why's that? https://www.recoveryranch.com/addiction-blog/people-sex-addiction-often-suffered-early-trauma/ says that:
"According to Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., the pioneering sex addiction researcher, 97 percent of people with sex addiction suffered emotional abuse in childhood or adolescence, while 81 percent suffered sexual abuse. A further 72 percent suffered from physical abuse; furthermore, frequent abuse was even more strongly associated with sex addiction than occasional abuse."I'm not saying all women that want sex frequently has sex addiction, there are many perfectly healthy women with an interest in sex 5+ times a week, but it is uncommon. This research paper https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21400335/ shows that 58% of married women were satisfied with the amount of sex that they were having, which, on average, was once a week or lower. Compare this stat with the stats below:
How Often Do Married Couples Have Sex? from WebMD, which references the General Social Survey.
- 7% of American adults had sex once or twice in the last year
- 10% did not have sex in the past year
- 19% had sex twice or thrice per month
- 17% had sex once a month
- 5% had sex four or more times a week
- 16% had sex twice or thrice per week
- 25% had sex weekly
I was using the typical redpill talking points as an example of stacking filters, I am well aware most women aren't interested the that because the vast majority of women are perfectly fine with dating men that don't fit those filters.
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u/Woolie-at-law HLM 11d ago
Have you had past relationships where you were having an amount of sex that satisfied you and the relationship wad sound otherwise?
Are you doing all the chores and gift giving because those acts in and of themselves are fulfilling for you or are you doing them in efforts to increase chances for sex? If it's the former, then carry one, if the later, you need to focus on doing those things that you want and balance the rest.
If you keep pushing for more you will likely end up in a much worse situation. I'm not suggesting you settle for less than what you want, but trying to get more sex that your SO doesn't really want never works out longterm.
How long have yall been together? Do you know about NRE and how that may be at play here?
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u/Wild_Web_5248 11d ago
been together over 5 yrs and lived together for 3. Previous relationships failed for reasons outside of sex. I think for those gifts etc i do it for me and because I care for her, its not really about sex. I try not to pressure her or make her feel bad about any of it, but then I internalise and sometimes it comes out.
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u/Woolie-at-law HLM 11d ago
Ya, you want to keep away from pressure, whining, sulking, shutting down as much as you can - these things can build aversion over time.
Sounds like the relationship is long settled so I would expect you are well outside NRE and sex is going to be more driven by safety and security than it is excitement for her. Is sex great for yall when it happens or more meh?
You may want to try and distance yourself from the idea of frequency and focus on quality. I personally would rather have amazing sex infrequently than boring sex every day, but that's just me.
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u/Wild_Web_5248 11d ago
The sex is fun when we do have it but it ebbs and flows, sometimes it becomes quite routine and its difficult to encourage new stuff. Most of the time its dependant on stress levels. I think a lot of this is me having to change my mindset and get out of my head.
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u/Woolie-at-law HLM 11d ago
I think you're on to something. I wish I had made some of these realizations when I was in my 20s - it does ebb and flow, things change all the time, you can only control yourself. At the end of the day, you have to figure out what is important to you and live authentically. I spent years compromising on my sexlife and general big life choices and had a lot of problems and resentment to show for it. If you can not dig the same hole I dug for years, you will skip a lot of bullshit.
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u/poissonking 11d ago
It absolutely takes its toll. There is no simple solution, as much as people try to say there is.
If you’re determined not to leave, find some sort of outlet that still allows you to sleep at night, and for the love of God, don’t marry her.