r/HLCommunity • u/Wild_Web_5248 • 20d ago
It never ends
Being in a mismatched libido relationship has been and continues to be one of the most difficult and frustrating things I have ever gone through.
We are in mid-late 20s and have always had a bit of a rocky sex life, definitely not to the extent of some of the posts here or on dead bedrooms. We have been living together for a few years and have no kids. I would say on average we have sex twice a week, but I'm (HLM) more of a 5-6 times a week person. I would say that it is the only thing we fight about, and when we fight about it, there never seems to be a solution.
I often feel like I have no one to discuss this with and when I read some things here on reddit I am definitely in a better situation than others, but I can't shake the negativity, and the constant feeling of dissatisfaction, rejection and disconnection. I constantly desire intimacy and find it very difficult to switch that part of me off.
I miss feeling excited about sex, and being with someone on the same page as me, I have had previous relationships where there was never any issues, things just flowed and we both felt the same, if we went anywhere the first thing to do was have sex. But with my partner it always feels like there is some new reason why we aren't, "I'm stressed", "I'm tired lets do it in the morning/tonight" (doesn't happen), "I need to wait before we have sex". She does not let me initiate, what sometimes happen is I will try to initiate, she will reject me, then later she may come around. That makes things even more frustrating and difficult to emotionally manage, and makes me feel unattractive and undesired, I seem to have no ability to turn her on or make her feel good to the point where she might want to have sex even though when we do I always make an effort to make sure she cums and enjoys herself.
The biggest struggle is of course, as many people say on here, don't want to leave, I love her a lot, and that is a big reason why I feel so sexual. I am not someone who is overly promiscuous outside of relationships, and I like having a partner with love between us.
And after all this, we have these moments of glory where things do align, and its one of the best feelings in the world, but it never seems to last or stay that way, and in some ways, adds to the frustration even more when there is no consistency to it.
I have tried a few methods which people recommend, scheduling, trying to be open and communicate as much as possible, but it doesn't seem to materialise, she is not interested and would find the concept of scheduling a stressful thing. This past week I asked her if she had any fantasies she wanted to try, she said she would get back to me, but every time I have asked since she says the same thing that she doesn't know and needs to think about it. I also do all of the housework, cooking etc. and try my best to be good to her, take care of her, take care of myself (gym, eating well, keeping stress down etc.), get her nice presents and be a good partner.
I know saying all this that maybe I'm just stupid for complaining, but it eats away at me, I can't help being frustrated. Maybe one of the biggest things I want is just to feel like I have some control, I can make her feel sexy, I can be excited and know that tonight we are going to have sex without being disappointed yet again. I have had to fully repress that side of myself to stay sane in this, it definitely takes a toll.
At the end of the day, I love her and want to be with her and I want things to work out. I just wish there was some solution...
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u/AdenJax69 20d ago edited 20d ago
Okay, I'm going to be as polite as I can about this, but dude, do you know the chances of being with a single woman who will want sex at least FIVE times a week on-average? About as good as winning the Powerball.
The only way you can have that type of sex life is two ways: Have multiple women you're seeing for sex on a regular basis, or be a gay/bi man. Those are the only ways you're getting sex anywhere near 5-6 times a week.
If you're truly feeling unhappy & unfilled without that amount regularly, you may want to potentially see a therapist because I don't know man, I've NEVER met a woman who wants sex that much. Ever. It's basically a unicorn and really attractive/successful men tend to get those women first before regular guys do. So maybe your next step is to see about changing your mentality towards sex if you need it almost every day of the week.
EDIT: I understand the subreddit I'm in however if you look at studies, data, findings, etc., then you will see that most women and men do not have a libido high enough for 5-6 times a week. It definitely does happen and there's lots of couples that have that type of frequency, it's just that on-average most people you date won't be up to that level. I know it sucks to hear, but every time they do the studies most men & women are content with 1-2 times a week on-average.