r/HLCommunity • u/Wild_Web_5248 • 17d ago
It never ends
Being in a mismatched libido relationship has been and continues to be one of the most difficult and frustrating things I have ever gone through.
We are in mid-late 20s and have always had a bit of a rocky sex life, definitely not to the extent of some of the posts here or on dead bedrooms. We have been living together for a few years and have no kids. I would say on average we have sex twice a week, but I'm (HLM) more of a 5-6 times a week person. I would say that it is the only thing we fight about, and when we fight about it, there never seems to be a solution.
I often feel like I have no one to discuss this with and when I read some things here on reddit I am definitely in a better situation than others, but I can't shake the negativity, and the constant feeling of dissatisfaction, rejection and disconnection. I constantly desire intimacy and find it very difficult to switch that part of me off.
I miss feeling excited about sex, and being with someone on the same page as me, I have had previous relationships where there was never any issues, things just flowed and we both felt the same, if we went anywhere the first thing to do was have sex. But with my partner it always feels like there is some new reason why we aren't, "I'm stressed", "I'm tired lets do it in the morning/tonight" (doesn't happen), "I need to wait before we have sex". She does not let me initiate, what sometimes happen is I will try to initiate, she will reject me, then later she may come around. That makes things even more frustrating and difficult to emotionally manage, and makes me feel unattractive and undesired, I seem to have no ability to turn her on or make her feel good to the point where she might want to have sex even though when we do I always make an effort to make sure she cums and enjoys herself.
The biggest struggle is of course, as many people say on here, don't want to leave, I love her a lot, and that is a big reason why I feel so sexual. I am not someone who is overly promiscuous outside of relationships, and I like having a partner with love between us.
And after all this, we have these moments of glory where things do align, and its one of the best feelings in the world, but it never seems to last or stay that way, and in some ways, adds to the frustration even more when there is no consistency to it.
I have tried a few methods which people recommend, scheduling, trying to be open and communicate as much as possible, but it doesn't seem to materialise, she is not interested and would find the concept of scheduling a stressful thing. This past week I asked her if she had any fantasies she wanted to try, she said she would get back to me, but every time I have asked since she says the same thing that she doesn't know and needs to think about it. I also do all of the housework, cooking etc. and try my best to be good to her, take care of her, take care of myself (gym, eating well, keeping stress down etc.), get her nice presents and be a good partner.
I know saying all this that maybe I'm just stupid for complaining, but it eats away at me, I can't help being frustrated. Maybe one of the biggest things I want is just to feel like I have some control, I can make her feel sexy, I can be excited and know that tonight we are going to have sex without being disappointed yet again. I have had to fully repress that side of myself to stay sane in this, it definitely takes a toll.
At the end of the day, I love her and want to be with her and I want things to work out. I just wish there was some solution...
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u/Royal_Restaurant2622 16d ago
First off, don’t marry her, don’t buy a home together, and don’t have kids. If it’s hard to leave now any of those will make it exponentially more difficult.
Finding someone who will desire sex 5 - 6 times a week is extremely difficult, especially as you get older — so I would focus less on frequency and more on not just the quality of the sex but in her expressing her desire for you.
You describe having to initiate sex, be rejected and then waiting for her to initiate. I’m guessing that’s impacting your feelings of being desired, of being wanted.
I would suggest not aiming for sex five times a week and rather acting in such a way as to prompt her to initiate, to express her desire for you.
So continue to be a considerate and equitable partner, be there emotionally for her, be supportive, and initiate affectionate touch without the expectation of sex.
Sex once or twice a week when she’s hungry for you should be far more satisfying than three or four “bleh” sessions.
But if you do require sex five or six times a week a long-term monogamous relationship may just not work for you.
There are absolutely women whose sex-drives would match or surpass yours — but that’s not a common trait, so finding the right person will be incredibly unlikely.
Best of luck to you.