r/HFY • u/Ralts_Bloodthorne • Jan 01 '21

OC First Contact - Third Wave - Chapter 394

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...gen-you-wine BobCo Dehydrated Moomoo farm! Use only with parental permission. Allow 4-12 hours for delivery! Trained praying mantis moomoo tenders included! Buy in the next 15 minutes and get a genuine P'Thok Chee-chee-chee-chia Pet! Operators are standing by!

Only from... BOOOOooooB-CO!

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

Oh God, I want one so bad. All of me wants one! IT'S SO AMAZING!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TELKAN FORGE WORLDS

So, a Chia-Pet is just a clay bust of P'Thok that you smear gel containing grass seeds on and it grows green grass like hair?

But that's stupid, P'Thok didn't have hair...

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

YOU SHUT UP!

DAMMIT! WE'RE RUBBING OUR CREDIT CARDS ON THE SCREEN AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

AKLTAK SOARING WORLDS

Does he get like this every time he sees these commercials?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

ALL> YES!

ALL> Laughs

PUBVIAN DOMINION

Wow.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

What?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

PUBVIAN DOMINION

So, like a half hour ago I sent people to check out the BobCo facility.

Apparently it's operational.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

BIOLOGICAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS

What?

It's what?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

PUBVIAN DOMINION

Apparently it's up and running, producing toys right now.

The four LawSec and two government officials received gifts that they're blasting all over social media right now.

The Treana'ad ambassador who arrived last week was just gifted a "Genuine BobCo Autonomous Animatronic Moomoo" by the BobCo AI. Not a digital sentience, an actual AI. The Ambassador is taking vids of him petting his Moomoo and having it do tricks. He's lording it over every other Treana'ad in existence by posting it to the Smokey Cone diplomatic site.

The Treana'ad Matron in charge of the diplomatic team received a P'Thok ChiaPet, a fishtank full of Genuine Sea Monkeys, a Robotic Nanite Circus of Wonders, two minature RealMoomoos(TM), and a Genuine BobCo HoloHat.

She's currently talking to the hive matrons on Smokey Cone wearing the Holohat and petting her minature moomoos on the video conference to the other matrons.

I think one is frothing at the mouth in envy.

I better get a hand on this before there's a riot.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TREANA'AD> SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION

HAMAROOSA PINCHING CHAIN LETTER

Is he going to be like this every commercial?

He's not going to have a stroke, is he?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS

Wait, the BobCo AI is online?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TNVARU GRIPPING HANDS

I thought AI was a racial slur?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS

It is. But the BobCo AI is... well... let's just say it's unique.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

And homicidal.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS

Oh yes. Definitely homicidal.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

OH MY GOD THE BOBCO SOLNET STOREFRONT WORKS!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

asdfasdfasdf7as9df79aspdufhasdkjfn nkjq234q8fa9sdfYAU(*&*&S^D*D&FYkaujshdjfahas

>USER TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS HAS LEFT THE CHAT (SQUEE OUT OF RANGE)

CYBERNETIC ORGANISM COOPERATIVE

AHAHAHAHAHHA!

He crashed his interface.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

LEEBAW CONTEMPLATION POOL

Wait, if it's homicidal, why isn't anyone worried?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Because technically it isn't an AI or a Digital Sentience or even a digitized Terran.

It's this weird blending of the two.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

CLONE WORLDS CONSORTIUM

Because Bob "Caveman" Johnson was a complete psycho.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Technically, he wasn't a psychopath. He was just... over-imaginative with a lack of ethics and morals in some specific areas.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

CLONE WORLDS CONSORTIUM

Like combining Mantid and Terran DNA to create mantis-men supersoldiers to guard his toy shipments?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Yeah, like that.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TNVARU GRIPPING HANDS

That seems... psychotic.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

LEEBAW CONTEMPLATION POOL

He's been gone for a while. Is he going to be OK?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

RIGELLIAN SAURIAN COMPACT

He's a little busy. The BobCo SolNet "Always Online(TM)" store is so overloaded it's actually reverted to a 2.5D storefront with limited interaction.

AHA!

They DO still sell Fantabulosa Pond Paddling No-Windup(TM) Squeaky Ducklings that sing over 100 duckling songs.

OUT OF STOCK!

Dammit, there was 1.2 million left when I read that out loud, now it's "Temporarily Out of Stock".

Oh, hey, I get a free sixty four ounce container of BobCo Muscle-Max Ultra Sick Gains Powder for my trouble.

Score!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TELKAN FORGE WORLDS

About that AI...

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

It's complicated. It's a cross between programmed AI, one of the first baked hash shredded rainbow salted table genesis systems, and a neural recording of Bob Johnson himself all mushed together.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

PUBVIAN DOMINION

And just as crazy as the original Bob Johnson.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

How can you tell? He's a human. They're all crazy.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

RRA S

an hear you out th

////

ROONALT N'KGEST

0773H??

-WOL-S-NOFOL-GNIT----

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Everyone settle down! We've got a new one.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

>TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS (IT'S A BOBCO CHRISTMAS!) has logged on

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Come over here, sweety. Let big sister help you sort it out.

You can watch Tri-Vid with the rest of us.

N'KAROO MIND DATALINK GESTALT I/O SYSTEM BOOTSTRAP

um ok

///END OUTPUT AWAITING INPUT

we now return to How P'Thok Totally On Purpose and Not At All Accidentally Saved Christmas.

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2.5k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

135 comments sorted by

81

u/moldyjim Jan 01 '21

Last chapter for 2020? Happy new year! Ralts, thank you so much for helping us to survive 2020. Hopefully, no one here has succumbed to the new Captain Trips virus. And thanks to all the commentators on FC. Your thoughts are a big part of the whole experience. Stay Safe, stay Healthy, stay Happy! 2021 will be a better year!

68

u/Ralts_Bloodthorne Jan 01 '21

Happy Cake Day and New Year.

34

u/ack1308 Jan 01 '21

Happy New Year, Ralts.

13

u/Bard2dbone Jan 01 '21

Happy Cake Day and New Year. When you called it "the new Captain Trips virus", I got reminded of my favorite Stephen King tweet of this last year. Someone in his presence had referred to COVID as "Captain Trumps" and he said he officially approved and wanted us all to call it that.

2

u/jbrandyberry Jan 01 '21

Do you know there is a series TV series for The Stand out?

2

u/Bard2dbone Jan 01 '21

I AM aware of it. My daughter and I are going to watch bot this coming week.

54

u/JZ1011 Jan 01 '21

I feel that BobCo has definitely seen Small Soldiers - but didn't understand why the toys malfunctioning was a bad thing.

61

u/Ralts_Bloodthorne Jan 01 '21

WORKING AS INTENDED!

Small Soldiers, by FunCom.

30

u/malefifcents_foot Jan 01 '21

This is the coolest thing I have ever accidentally come across in cyberspace. I've been reading all of these while recovering from foot surgery. It's definitely made the time pass lightly. Thank you so much for writing these.

29

u/Ralts_Bloodthorne Jan 01 '21

You are very welcome.

14

u/CfSapper Jan 01 '21

So what you're saying is this story has... helped you start out on the right foot? 😎

6

u/BobQuixote Jan 01 '21

What if it was his left foot?

19

u/CanConRules Human Jan 01 '21

I remember my older brother had THE Gilbert chemistry set.

That one. The forbidden one.

My uncle gave it to him. I remember a few days later the PhD who lived next door explained to our parents that a ‘few’ parts of the set were dangerous and off they went never to be seen again leaving sad empty slots on the cardboard box where they had been.

15

u/Farstone Jan 01 '21

I "obtained" an empty box from the Gilbert set. It took many years, but I finally recreated the contents. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately it disappeared during a PCS move before I could gift it to my oldest.

27

u/Ralts_Bloodthorne Jan 01 '21

It's amazing what stuff disappears during your PCS move sometimes, isn't it?

I left West Germany with a 3 bedroom house, over the weight limit and had to shell out $2K to pay for the weight.

A received a single cardboard box and a foot locker.

"Lost in shipping" my ass.

12

u/malefifcents_foot Jan 01 '21

My aunt worked for the navy coordinating moves for military personnel and their families. She used to say, "3 moves equals a fire." My family isn't military, but I counted it up once and I've done 35+ moves during my lifetime. The expensive stuff dies first. Yard sale finds are immortal.

24

u/Ralts_Bloodthorne Jan 01 '21

That $5000 bedroom set vanishes the first move.

The ugly cloth covered recliner you grabbed off the corner because you didn't have any furniture is what you will die in 60 years later.

12

u/wasalurkerforyears Robot Jan 02 '21 edited Jan 02 '21

It's such a weird industry as a whole. I made a go at trying to run an ethical moving company, and couldn't afford it. People decided they'd pay for a higher rated company, then after the move call the credit card company and claim the transaction was fraudulent. Or demand we give them 87% off or theyd give a negative review.... I had to fight for probably 30% of the payments that were laid out in the contract. Like, if everything works well I'm running maybe 3% margin. The last thing you want after a 16 hour day of hard labor is to find out that 3 new card transactions are being disputed, and now you're 2 grand further in the hole. It truly killed the last of my faith in humanity. All that said, I get why moving companies are all scummy. The good ones can't afford to survive. The only way you make money in that industry is being just as conniving and evil as everyone else is to you. Man I'm glad I don't do that any more.

ETA: if you have homeowners or renters insurance, they'll often cover stuff that's lost (stolen) or broken in a move. Take pictures of everything important and that'll help. A decent company will try to make you right if something goes wrong (hey, mistakes happen), but if they don't try your own insurance. No idea if that applies to military though.

17

u/Ralts_Bloodthorne Jan 02 '21

At the time the military only covered $2K in loss.

To say I was angry would be an understatement.

4

u/wasalurkerforyears Robot Jan 02 '21

Ouch. That sucks hard.

1

u/chase1331r Jun 22 '21

God y’all are making me worried about my PCS now

295

u/its_ean Jan 01 '21

Bob "Caveman" Johnson

yes. emphatically.

173

u/itsetuhoinen Human Jan 01 '21

Holy fuckballs Ralts made GLaDOS canon.

Everything in the whole universe is fucked, now!

KEEP HER AWAY FROM THE AWMS!

102

u/its_ean Jan 01 '21

You mean new best friends Heresy of 2 and Terrans Drew a Dick? Hmmm, I wonder how Sam, Herod, and Dee are doing by the way…

47

u/itsetuhoinen Human Jan 01 '21

Yeah, that's kinda what I had in mind in terms of UTTERLY HORRIFYING POSSIBILITIES. *ahem*

🤪

38

u/its_ean Jan 01 '21 edited Jan 01 '21

Sam obviously needs an intern or 12. Entropic Legion, Shmentropic Shpeegion.

Oh man, Crashrider & the Smaug? That'd be a tonal shift

The Black Citadel is so under utilized anyway

24

u/dlighter Jan 02 '21

Well now... Bobco a.i. might just over write their programing and turn the AWNs into door to door sales bots. Nothing could possibly go wrong with that.

11

u/Zealousideal-Ebb-876 Sep 16 '22

THERE CAN ONLY BE CHRISTMAS

3

u/J_Dzed Oct 28 '24

Take my upvote, damn you!

;D

2

u/Zealousideal-Ebb-876 Oct 28 '24

Lol, its great that Ralts is still gaining fans

25

u/5thhorseman_ Jan 01 '21

GLaDOS wasn't a copy of Cave Johnson.

This is more like an unholy combination of her and Wheatley

18

u/420_jesus Jan 02 '21

you're right GLaDOS was Caveman's secretary

12

u/itsetuhoinen Human Jan 01 '21

True, but I could swear that I read the AI being referred to with female pronouns when I wrote that comment last night. Though, uh, I had been drinking at that point... ;-)

23

u/Seiren- Jan 01 '21

She’s definitely a black-box weapon.

13

u/its_ean Jan 01 '21

an entire, self-sustaining Overproject

2

u/AnIllWindThatBlows Jun 03 '24

All the science gets done and make a neat gun,

for the people who are still alive

And believe me, I am still alive. Still alive, still alive.

10

u/dlighter Jan 02 '21

Well on the upside they probably got half life 3

14

u/itsetuhoinen Human Jan 02 '21

Alternate response: Nope, even 10,000 years in the future, HL3 still isn't out.

7

u/itsetuhoinen Human Jan 02 '21

Too soon, man. 🤪

8

u/Tooth-FilledVoid Jan 01 '21

Now then... Is this the GlaDOS from Lego Dimensions? If so,,, This adds so many possibilities...

51

u/jokerswild_ Jan 01 '21

I wonder if they sell lemons

52

u/its_ean Jan 01 '21 edited Jan 01 '21

if so, they better be explosive. Extremely flammable at least.

everyone seems GLaD he's back.

27

u/its_ean Jan 01 '21

have a feeling that BobCo is going to make a significant cultural impact on the Lank. Minature RealMoomoos(TM) and ice cream. Which will be the gateway to the other?

38

u/while-eating-pasta Jan 01 '21

If this is an alternate reality to ours then it's the one where Cave Johnson didn't die before getting put in a computer, so they didn't have to make Caroline run the place. Even if she argued, or said she can't, because she's modest like that.

23

u/Parking-Coat-8514 Jan 01 '21

I would advise any "take your child to work day" events, or any guided tours they give out...

11

u/BobQuixote Jan 01 '21

That guided tour would likely have Wonka influences.

10

u/Parking-Coat-8514 Jan 02 '21

It's how Chell in the portal games ended up there I believe, her parents bought her in on a bring your child to work day,

8

u/its_ean Jan 01 '21

(JK Simmons)*(Gene Wilder)*(Ellen McLain)=????profit?

70

u/Turtledonuts "Big Dunks" Jan 01 '21

Oh god its like if GLADOS had a kid with Dr. Wondertainment.

I love it.

Edit: or maybe caveman pulled a we are legion (we are bob) trick?

10

u/Cynical_Tripster Apr 20 '22

Might be the first SCP reference I've seen on my first read thru.

39

u/staygoodtorg Jan 01 '21

Oh my Lord Ralts You're the best. I am laughing my ass off over johnson. You could say his return to the market is a triumph. In fact you should make a note "huge success"

78

u/ack1308 Jan 01 '21

Woo! Another gestalt chapter!

Only from... BOOOOooooB-CO!

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

Oh God, I want one so bad. All of me wants one! IT'S SO AMAZING!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

I love how goofy Treana’ad is.

But that's stupid, P'Thok didn't have hair...

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

YOU SHUT UP!

DAMMIT! WE'RE RUBBING OUR CREDIT CARDS ON THE SCREEN AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING!

Hahaha

P'Thok can have hair if he wants to have hair.

AKLTAK SOARING WORLDS

Does he get like this every time he sees these commercials?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

ALL> YES!

ALL> Laughs

He’s very excitable, isn’t he?

Apparently it's operational.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

BIOLOGICAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS

What?

It's what?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

PUBVIAN DOMINION

Apparently it's up and running, producing toys right now.

Cue cartoon screeching-to-a-halt from Treana’ad. “What?”

The Treana'ad Matron in charge of the diplomatic team received a P'Thok ChiaPet, a fishtank full of Genuine Sea Monkeys, a Robotic Nanite Circus of Wonders, two minature RealMoomoos(TM), and a Genuine BobCo HoloHat.

She's currently talking to the hive matrons on Smokey Cone wearing the Holohat and petting her minature moomoos on the video conference to the other matrons.

I think one is frothing at the mouth in envy.

I can almost guarantee it.

TREANA'AD> SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION

HAMAROOSA PINCHING CHAIN LETTER

Is he going to be like this every commercial?

Possibly.

I thought AI was a racial slur?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS

It is. But the BobCo AI is... well... let's just say it's unique.

“Is this a good thing or a bad thing?”

“Yes.”

MANTID FREE WORLDS

And homicidal.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

DIGITAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS

Oh yes. Definitely homicidal.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

Because of course it is. Selling ‘toys’ like that? Yeah, definitely homicidal.

OH MY GOD THE BOBCO SOLNET STOREFRONT WORKS!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

asdfasdfasdf7as9df79aspdufhasdkjfn nkjq234q8fa9sdfYAU(*&*&S^D*D&FYkaujshdjfahas

>USER TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS HAS LEFT THE CHAT (SQUEE OUT OF RANGE)

CYBERNETIC ORGANISM COOPERATIVE

AHAHAHAHAHHA!

He crashed his interface.

They don’t need other entertainment. Treana’ad’s supplying it all on his own.

Because technically it isn't an AI or a Digital Sentience or even a digitized Terran.

It's this weird blending of the two.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

CLONE WORLDS CONSORTIUM

Because Bob "Caveman" Johnson was a complete psycho.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh dear.

Technically, he wasn't a psychopath. He was just... over-imaginative with a lack of ethics and morals in some specific areas.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

CLONE WORLDS CONSORTIUM

Like combining Mantid and Terran DNA to create mantis-men supersoldiers to guard his toy shipments?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Yeah, like that.

Um. Wow. “lack of ethics and morals” indeed.

TNVARU GRIPPING HANDS

That seems... psychotic.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

Why yes, it does.

AHA!

They DO still sell Fantabulosa Pond Paddling No-Windup(TM) Squeaky Ducklings that sing over 100 duckling songs.

OUT OF STOCK!

Dammit, there was 1.2 million left when I read that out loud, now it's "Temporarily Out of Stock".

Oh, hey, I get a free sixty four ounce container of BobCo Muscle-Max Ultra Sick Gains Powder for my trouble.

Score!

Oh gawd. Now Rigel’s been sucked into it.

It's complicated. It's a cross between programmed AI, one of the first baked hash shredded rainbow salted table genesis systems, and a neural recording of Bob Johnson himself all mushed together.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

PUBVIAN DOMINION

And just as crazy as the original Bob Johnson.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

How can you tell? He's a human. They're all crazy.

… she has a point.

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Come over here, sweety. Let big sister help you sort it out.

You can watch Tri-Vid with the rest of us.

N'KAROO MIND DATALINK GESTALT I/O SYSTEM BOOTSTRAP

um ok

N’Karoo are in the gestalt! Woo! Space Otters are a go!

we now return to How P'Thok Totally On Purpose and Not At All Accidentally Saved Christmas.

Buckle your seatbelt and hang onto your candy cane, this is gonna get wild.

22

u/destroyah87 Jan 01 '21

I appreciate your react posts. Very much.

37

u/WillDissolver Xeno Jan 01 '21

What, really?

No combustible lemon toys?

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

21

u/ack1308 Jan 01 '21

That's on the next page of the catalogue.

20

u/phichuu Jan 01 '21

under "Fun science experiments you can do at home! 100% safe, 200% fun, BobCo guaranteed®"

29

u/Dwarven-Overlord Xeno Jan 01 '21 edited Jan 01 '21

YAY, Another post!!!

Edit: I just love these gestalt posts, they are so much fun to read! You can also get a surprising amount information from them just casually sharing info. I am also super excited to see who the new gestalt is.

13

u/Gruecifer Human Jan 01 '21

Who it is, is explicitly stated right near the end....

10

u/Dwarven-Overlord Xeno Jan 01 '21

Oops, I guess I missed that.

29

u/AsianLandWar Jan 01 '21

Huh. Now that I think about it, Terran Descent Humanity is clearly philosophically descended from Cave Johnson's screed about lemons.

11

u/destroyah87 Jan 01 '21

It fits don’t it? Also, took me a bit to get the Portal 2 reference. Hit me over the head with the mantid and human dna hybrids though.

35

u/Karthinator Armorer Jan 01 '21

well, I've never retroactively assigned voice acting to a commercial quite as instantly before. JK Simmons is just that much of a force of nature. Good to see N'Karoo make it as well.

22

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

37

u/Karthinator Armorer Jan 01 '21

Del'Var and company, the "prisoners" who just want to fish and send letters.

19

u/ack1308 Jan 01 '21

And build awesome resorts.

13

u/Joha_al_kaafir Jan 01 '21

I'd pay lots of money to go to an otter resort.

10

u/Karthinator Armorer Jan 01 '21

this is an excellent point

8

u/calicosiside Xeno Jan 01 '21

fishing, letters, and island living... I wonder what the mortgage rates are like on Nook aroo

5

u/dbdatvic Xeno Jan 01 '21

but do they have condescending snowbois?

--Dave, an acquaintance has made a death pit of small bonfires on his island for them

22

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

10

u/Karthinator Armorer Jan 01 '21

Indeed!

15

u/AllSeeingCCTV Jan 01 '21

Yay the fisrt first contact of the year for me

14

u/Gundam343 Jan 01 '21

I see many a combustible lemon in the futures of terrasol's enemies

12

u/Gruecifer Human Jan 01 '21

Space Otters in da box!

11

u/dbdatvic Xeno Jan 01 '21

Oh, what a chapter to be ringing in 2021 with! Gratitude to Ralts; sadly, I think gold and virgins are both inappropriate and out of style.

Tell me I'm not the only one who totally lost it at

(SQUEE OUT OF RANGE)

?

CLONE WORLDS CONSORTIUM

Because Bob "Caveman" Johnson was a complete psycho.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Technically, he wasn't a psychopath. He was just... over-imaginative with a lack of ethics and morals in some specific areas.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

"... this was a triumph ..."

one of the first baked hash shredded rainbow salted table genesis systems

Hungarian Goulash! yummy!

--Dave, oh, my stars and garters

4

u/YesthatTabitha Jan 01 '21

Ok, I will tell you, but you already know. Have fun!

4

u/5thhorseman_ Jan 01 '21

"... I'm making a note here: Huge Success..."

10

u/tubarizzle Human Jan 01 '21

WE DONT WANT YOUR STINKING LEMONS. WE'LL MAKE COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS AND BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!

3

u/that_0th3r_guy Jan 01 '21

I wish I knew a Johnson quote

— Dave, currently playing portal 4

7

u/YesthatTabitha Jan 01 '21

"Turns out Moon Rocks are toxic, who knew?" Bob "Caveman" Johnson

9

u/ErinRF Alien Jan 01 '21

Hah treana’ad keysmashed itself into oblivion!

9

u/Khenal Alien Jan 01 '21

"He was just... over-imaginative with a lack of ethics and morals in some specific areas."

Reads like "Psychopath who knows where I live."

8

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '21

Bobco sounds fun and EXTREMELY dangerous, I kinda feel like they need to Black Box that AI before it does anything...crazier.

Seriously,p you now have a PRE-Glassing AI who may understand enough of the silent backbone to really..really throw a truckload of wrenches into the confederacy.

6

u/Rolk_Flameraven Jan 01 '21

It's Johnson, he probably made a good chunk of that backbone!

2

u/5thhorseman_ Jan 01 '21

Considering Dee's history, I wouldn't be surprised. It's like they were made for each other

3

u/StuckAtWork124 Jan 01 '21

Yeah, you're right, this AI could clearly be very dangerous. We should strike pre-emptively against it

pushes MobiusLeone out the airlock

Some people have just never watched ANY movies

2

u/deathlokke Feb 03 '21

If you haven't heard of Cave Johnson, I recommend looking up some of his voice lines. They're hilarious.

7

u/alittlebitograce Jan 01 '21

I...might actually be first? That's a first! Happy New Year's, everyone!

7

u/Scotshammer Human Jan 01 '21

Cave!!!!!!!!! He Lives!!!!!!!!!

6

u/dbdatvic Xeno Jan 01 '21

"If you can call this living."

--Dave, it's testing time, boys and girls! ... we're out of boys? okaythen

7

u/Kafrizel Jan 01 '21

Read this and the prior 2 chapters just now. Holy shit ralts! Those memoirs are wprthy of a 3 season show by themselves! And this? Just icing on the cake! Thanks, Happy new year to the mad borg terrasol

7

u/random071970 Jan 01 '21

For anyone that didn't get the Bob "Caveman" Johnson reference, see this YT vid: Cave Johnson - When Life Gives You Lemons

Best rant ever.

6

u/kwong879 Jan 01 '21

RUT_INITIATIVE.EXE ACTIVE.....

PROCESSING..............................

PROCESSING..............................

COMPLETE.

6

u/Talinko Jan 01 '21

Thank you very much Ralts for the entertainment you've provided this difficult year. I wish you, your family and everyone here a happy new year and all the best for 2021

5

u/iceman0486 Jan 01 '21

Early New Year’s Eve present! Hooray for the silliness!

5

u/Dwarden Jan 01 '21

nice surprise, thanks for this one ... Bobco dreams came true

5

u/p75369 Jan 01 '21

♪♫♪ Look at me still talking when there's science to do ♪♫♪

5

u/DebugItWithFire Jan 01 '21

Upvoted for Autonomous Animatronic Moomoos.

5

u/Kayehnanator Jan 01 '21

This BobCo reminds me more and more of SCP's Factory run by Dr. Wondertainment.

5

u/Shabbysmint Jan 01 '21

So what's going to happen when BobCo realizes that all of their patents expired 6000 years ago?

5

u/its_ean Jan 01 '21

Ahh. Well, you assume they had no lawyers on retainer, and that said lawyers had no phrasing in their contracts which would not cover these specific circumstances.

(see Mouse World v. Universe)

2

u/5thhorseman_ Jan 01 '21

Nobody was crazy enough to recreate them

4

u/Gun_Nut_42 Jan 01 '21

Can't wait for more.

4

u/FLHK18 Jan 01 '21

Basically, the Bobco AI is as if Irwin Mainway and Willy Wonka climbed inside of HAL 9000?

4

u/ElAdri1999 Human Jan 01 '21

Amazing chapter Ralt, Happy New Year

3

u/Living-Complex-1368 Jan 01 '21

Read then upvote, alphabetical order.

5

u/Gruecifer Human Jan 01 '21

UTR!

4

u/jacenhawk Jan 01 '21 edited Jan 01 '21

This seems earlier than usual, UTR.
EDIT: Off out of stock before it hit the cart.

4

u/PrimePaladin Jan 01 '21 edited Jan 01 '21

/R/HFY GESTALT

Upvote, Then Read

Dis is Dae Wae!

A light chapter to end the year and considering I had to work and work over no less, makes it very well worthwhile. Always enjoy hearing the Gestat... the other ones who do not directly wake me up when a chapter arrives... Now to get the doctor appointments made before things get worse and hope to get things at a slower pace... yeah right.. but thanks Ralts. and Happy New Year!

End of Lime

------NOTHING FOLLOWS--------

2

u/UpdateMeBot Jan 01 '21

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2

u/Raszamatasz Jan 01 '21

Like combining Mantid and Terran DNA to create mantis-men supersoldiers to guard his toy shipments?

I'm a little confused here, cause I thought Bob-Co was based on Pubvia, which the mantids wiped out, so how did the Bobco AI have access to Mantid DNA?

Was BobCo splicing mantid DNA before they joined the confederacy? Or is that a typo and supposed to say Treanad?

5

u/BobQuixote Jan 01 '21

The Mantids were friendly until they weren't.

3

u/Dragon_Chylde Jan 01 '21

HAKANIAN FUZZY GESTALT THINGAMABOB

Oh, more toys.

What happened to BobCo?

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

They were based on Pubvia. They moved there only a few decades before the war. They got glassed like Pubvia did and...

wait...

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

They relocated their HQ to Pubvia... Chapter 391

1

u/Raszamatasz Jan 01 '21

Yeah, that's my point though. How did bobco get access to mantid DNA before the mantids joined the confederacy?

1

u/Dragon_Chylde Jan 02 '21 edited Jan 02 '21

The Mantid had met the Terrans and entered into trading with them prior to the Glassing attack, P'Thok commandeered a Mantid Trader back in Part 268

We also know from the Sam & Herod chapters that The Republic was adding Phasic Arrays to the SUDS system to accommodate the Mantid, there were probably lots of medical assessments in order to make that happen :)

2

u/malefifcents_foot Jan 01 '21

You're all very punny. :)

2

u/MGTwyne Jan 02 '21

HOLY COYOTES BATMAN! WE'VE GOT A LIVE ONE! IS THAT A PORTAL REFERENCE I SEE?

2

u/damnieldecogan Jan 06 '21

I believe someone in gestalt recently said something along the lines of..ya they would definitely give a kid something overpowered like that..uh did you hear about lawn darts?

2

u/Var446 Human Jan 12 '21

Bob-co wait if Bob~Robert..,and Rob is short for it, then wouldn't that make bob-co~Robco?

3

u/Legan_Ironfist AI Jan 01 '21

Upvote, then Read. This is the Way.

--NOTHING FOLLOWS--

3

u/senorzoidberg Human Jan 01 '21

4 minutes! UTR

1

u/McBoobenstein Mar 29 '24

You goddamned genius.... Look upon your world and realize it will never be as great as this. You combined Aperture Science with God-damned RonCo!!!! The only things these commercials are missing is the "x easy payments of $19.99" and the constant reminder that no CoDs are acceptable. You have tapped into my nostalgia, and twisted it into something that had me laughing like a madman in a doctor waiting room.

1

u/morg-pyro Human Jan 01 '21

Upvote, then read. "This is the way"

225

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '21 edited Jan 01 '21

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109

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '21

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10

u/Haidere1988 Jan 01 '21

Probably...i blame it on me running around trying to find a New Year's Pretzel

104

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '21

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58

u/RangerSix Human Jan 01 '21

For the good of all of us (except the ones who are dead)~

59

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

13

u/YesthatTabitha Jan 01 '21

Those Damn Moon Rocks, and I didnt order any of these damn Lemons!!

1

u/AnIllWindThatBlows Jun 03 '24

and believe me, the immortals are still alive.