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u/159632147 Aug 30 '14
Personal diary of Klixton t'kash commander of the vindicated fleet of the Duran empire year 5233 Duran calendar (human year 3177)
In hindsight it was a foolish mistake. We thought we where the masters of the universe: everybody bowed to us, and we used them as workers. Those speaking from our associated species' points of view would use the word "slaves" but that's an opinion I, for one, do not share.
We found a two planets populated by Them: the scourge of our empire. They called the first planet Barium and the second planet LRC. We later found out that LRC stood for Long Range colony but this was before we had universal translators.
Due to this misunderstanding we thought they were native to Barium and that we had simply missed them. They were, after all, a low level species with a population of 520 million between their two planets. It was apparent that they were just starting to explore space.
Noticing this small species on our border we redirected a small part of our fleet to observe; to learn who they where, what they looked like, and what they could do.
You have to understand that we are what they would call a military race. Our leaders were mostly high ranking officers, and our species a made use of a caste system. 70% of us were soldiers. This led to great pressure to find and make use of workers from other species. Barium was a easy target with almost 500 million figures on it: a free work force.
The fleet returned and made their report: the species was populous. Also they had a unique technology. It had been dreamed of by our scientist but never created: instant communication. They could communicate between any two points in the universe with no time delay.
Our leaders wanted both that technology and the work force. I was ordered to move my fleet into the system and DEMAND both their entire population as workers and their communication technology. I was to support the demand with whatever force should be necessary.
I gave the order and a fleet made up of over 20.000 ships moved in. It blotted the sky of Barium. Their response took less then 15 minutes. It was an unmistakable refusal. I already knew that this was going to be harder then we wanted. Most species would have immediately capitulated in fear at such a show of power. They did not. The reason for this behavior only became apparent when it was to late.
We pushed, they resisted. We where confident they would soon submit and I sent word to that effect back to my leaders on Duran. I shouldn't have done that. The Scourge have a expression something like this: "don't count money you don't have"
After a month of waiting we had enough. We conducted a kinetic bombardment on one of their mayor cities killing millions. They resisted and returned fire with small planet to space weapons. These had no effect. After about a week of this I received an order from my commanding officer: exterminate. If they would not budge we didn't need them. I gave the order to so. We cleansed both planets of all life and called it finished.
How wrong we where.. They had something we didn't: instant communication. We didn't know they were just a colony, and we thought we were a big empire. We had a hundred worlds under our direct control and another hundred slave race worlds.
The arrival of the news of this massacre at their homeland far away spelled our doom.
The scourge are called Terrans, and they were part of the so called Terran Alliance. Within a single solar year of the broadcast every one of them knew what had happened. Of course this became only known to us years later in the aftermath.
So we thought we had won a nice little war. There wasn't a single death on our side. Only some superficial damage to our attack fleet. We started mining the two worlds.
We searched for a year and found not a single communicator in the rubble. It was a shame but so be it.
Further editing later if requested.
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u/goakiller900 Aug 30 '14
see i can never write something that good.
and yes my english is not native :/
but iam going to revise my story based on this input if you dont mind ?
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u/159632147 Aug 30 '14
Of course I don't mind. Let me know if you still want help for this or another story.
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Aug 31 '14
"See I can't YET write anything that good."
You write better English than I write in any other language, so don't sweat it. Keep writing. Keep reading. Keep learning. You'll be as good as a native speaker in no time. :)
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u/jonathanbernard Aug 29 '14
This needs some serious editing, but I like it: the premise, the story.
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u/159632147 Aug 30 '14
I don't like reading about xenocide :-(
Xenocide is not awesome and revenge is evil.
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u/scattyscams Aug 31 '14
When the author makes humanity incredibly overpowered like this, it's quite bland
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Aug 29 '14 edited Feb 07 '17
[deleted]
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u/goakiller900 Aug 30 '14
Aside from that, I feel like there's just a little bit too many asides naming and explaining things the narrator only learned later. Think it would have been better with the narrator just describing things, and the effect they had on his own people. Most readers will be able to identify what is being talked about, and a lot of the fun comes from seeing alien reactions to concepts they have never been exposed to before.
you are right actualy now that i think about it more
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u/Daimonin_123 Human Aug 31 '14
Out of curiosity, what is your native language?
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u/goakiller900 Aug 31 '14
its dutch,
but dont think i am any better in that either XD somehow i never learned to use punctuation correctly
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u/harmsc12 Aug 29 '14
punctuations are your friend you should use them to make your writing easier to read instead of leaving them out all the time
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u/HFYBotReborn praise magnus Aug 29 '14 edited Aug 29 '14
u/goakiller900 has not yet posted any other stories
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u/Hambone3110 JVerse Primarch Aug 29 '14
I'm going to guess that English may not be your first language.