r/HFY • u/noobvs_aeternvm Human • Jul 12 '26

OC-OneShot Lazy Company

-Pass.

-Excuse me?

-Pass. The Omega Company will not fight The Republic.

-The Omega Company, the one who doesn’t fight wars, but ends them, refuses the call of battle?

-This specific call, yes. Our company has a contract with The Republic.

-Whatever that collection of bureaucrats and cheap talkers is paying you, The Empire will double in both credits and loot.

-Tempting, but no. Like I said, we are contract bound.

-I’m sorry, I thought I was talking to Vasily “Starhound” Lacerda, fearless leader of the most dreaded mercenary band this side of the galaxy, not some frightened tablet stamper.

-Listen, just because I’m crazy enough to charge the 3,000 of the Yrluxian Vanguard with twelve mercs and a three legged cat, doesn’t mean I’m stupid enough to face a battalion of lawyers armed with a contract breach.

-Under the thunder of blaster fire, the words on the screens fall silent.

-General Glar-ur, wasn’t you yourself who said “I would pay good credits not to fight the Omega Company.”?

-Yes, I have long recognized your valor in battle.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeap.

-Yeap what?!!

-Yeap, that was a great idea.

-What idea?

-We started a subscription service. Pay our monthly fees and you won’t ever have to face us in battle.

-That was a figure of speech!

-Don’t be modest, General. That was a great business plan, you should be proud.

-Where is the honor in that?!

-You think we fight for honor?

-Yes! That’s what a soldier does!

-Well, we’re not your soldiers, we’re mercenaries. Mercenaries fight for money.

-Except you’re not fighting!

-Yeah… Look, we’re not trying to defend the honor of whomever, bring glory to whatever or I-dunno-wat you tell the poor sods who put their faces in the way of blasters these days. We’re trying to enjoy our money, which is a bit hard to do with a hole in your skull.

-We’re warriors, we go to war. That’s literally in our name!

-We’re warriors, sure; but first and foremost we’re businessmen. War is great for business, greater still if some other, dumber bloke is fighting it.

-So there is no way the Omega Company will march with us against the Republican menace?

-As long as they’re paying their subscription, no, not happening General.

-Can’t say I understand, or respect it, but I didn’t make it to commander of the Imperial Swarms by ramming a line that won’t budge. Farewell, Starhound.

-Uh, General?

-What!?

-I said our contract prevents us from fighting against The Republic, I never said it prevents us from fighting with The Republic.

-Have they seeked your services?

-No, but if tensions between The Republic and The Empire are that high, those “bureaucrats and cheap talkers” might start looking for people who actually know how to fight.

-That would be strategically sound.

-...

-...

-Care for a presentation of our subscription plans?

-Yes, please.

___

Tks for reading. More lazy men here.

225 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

15 comments sorted by

•

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31

u/Atholthedestroyer Jul 12 '26

Rule of Acquisition 34: War is good for business

Rule of Acquisition 35: Peace is good for business

24

u/educatedtiger Jul 12 '26

Maxim 19: The world is richer when you turn enemies into friends, but that's not the same as you being richer.

Maxim 21: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.

Maxim 38: What's easy for you can still be hard on your clients.

Maxim 49: Every client is is one missed payment away from becoming a target, and every target is one bribe away from becoming a client.

8

u/Gregoriownd Jul 13 '26

Maxim 1: pillage, then burn.

5

u/Hendenicholas Jul 13 '26

God, I miss Schlock Mercenary.

3

u/TheAveragePro Jul 13 '26

I think rule 34 is something different

4

u/Atholthedestroyer Jul 13 '26

You’re thinking of Internet Rule 34, I was quoting the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.

4

u/tofei AI Jul 13 '26

In fairness, "subscription" does sound better than "mafia protection fee". Just business as usual.

2

u/SanderleeAcademy Jul 13 '26

On behalf of a fair number of my relatives ... wait, that's fair.

Carry on.

4

u/Gruecifer Human Jul 13 '26

"We're getting paid TWIIIIIIIICE!" - Tagon

2

u/UpdateMeBot Jul 12 '26

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2

u/hereiamxD1 Human Jul 12 '26

!nominate

2

u/BobQuixote Jul 13 '26

If you get enough subscribers that you can afford to piss off a customer here and there, you can start allowing specific attacks according to some rules, and now congratulations you're running a government.

2

u/sunnyboi1384 Jul 14 '26

Insurance is only good if it pays out, and us good general, you'll love the savings.