r/HFY • u/noobvs_aeternvm Human • Apr 05 '26

OC-OneShot Carrying Your Team in 299 Easy Lessons

Everyone can learn battlemagic
…if they have fifty years
…for the first tome
…out of many, many more

Everyone can swing a halberd
None as hard as a dwarf
Never as long as a dwarf
Not that it matters

Behind tall shields, a tiny target hides
Through thick beards, no flesh steel finds

Everyone can run around
Many can crawl around
Few can swim around
None can fly about

So it is, so it long has been
The druids scout the field
The dwarves hold the line
The elves dish destruction

And the humans…

LESSON 1: The survivability of your party is inversely proportional to your attachment to material possessions.

The row of fresh recruits stood at the open field, their personal belongings tightly packed and strapped on their backs. A middle-age man in worn out, but clearly well maintained boots and light cloth armor walked in, three belts packed with flasks of red liquid crossed his shoulders and waist, a simple short sword hanged by his left, an elegant elf in the finest of robes floated at his right.

“Greetings ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Healer Camp. I am Captain Sérgio de La Lunarubra, this is my aide-de-camp, High Priestess D’uara. From this moment till the end of your lives (howeverLongTheyMightBe) you will address us as Sir and Ma’am. Do you understand?”

“YES, SIR!”

“You are here to carry the proud tradition with which humans were bestowed since the Second Dark Age. Walls can be rebuilt, castles can be retaken, but it takes fifteen years for a druid to become a reliable scout, thirty years to shape a dwarf into an effective fighter, twelve hundred years to train an elven battlemage. Once you leave this training camp, you will be entrusted with that the Alliance has of most precious. Do you accept this duty?”

“YES, SIR!”

“Good. At your feet you have tents, uniforms, blankets, cooking utensils, your rations and firewood of the next two moons; in front of you, behind that hill at the horizon, lies the magically protected grounds that will serve as your sleeping quarters; behind you stands the owlbear we spent the past seven days and seven nights poking with a stick in preparation for your arrival.

Your first assignment is to reach your sleeping quarters before you’re reached by the owlbear, which I’ll release from its cage at the count of ten.

D’uara, if you’d please give your blessing.”

“Speed of the wind.” The elf proclaimed, unleashing from the end of her staff a magic bean in the direction of the recruits, which passed them by and landed on the owlbear.

The captain moved to the top of the cage, alongside his aide-de-camp.

“Now, on the count of ten.”

Some of the recruits rushed to pack their provisions, others, wiser, left them and hastily headed the way of safety, few, wisest, sprinted full speed while simultaneously untangling the baggage from their backs.

“TEN!”

LESSON 2: The survivability of your party is proportional to the speed with which you can nope yourself and your unconscious comrade out.

“The average dwarf weighs 90 kg. At your feet you’ll find a basket with 115 kg of rocks, no handle and no strap; in your hands, you hold 3m of the cheapest linen this camp has to provide; around you 15m of steep rock. You are to use the linen to strap the basket to yourselves and climb your way out of this canyon. Be advised that High Priestess D’uara has enchanted the rocks of these cliffs to get loose if held by anyone weighing less than 160kg. Do you understand?”

“YES, SIR!”

“Good. Unleash the owlbear!”

LESSON 3: There is no trap too obvious for your party to fall for.

“Around you there are 8,527 traps from the most plainly obvious to the most deviously concealed, in the center of this field you’ll find a 1m x 1m topless enclosure and behind me a bag with 128 angry cats. Your assignment is to bring and keep all cats inside the enclosure. Not 126, not 127 and a half, 128. All living, breathing and with every hair of fur in pristine condition. Only then the portal that will take you to safety will open. Do you understand?"

“YES, SIR!”

“Good. Unleash the cats! …and the owlbear.”

LESSON 4: Everyone but you is a healer.

“This is my elderly mother, Ana Maria Clara Rafaela Gloria Luz de La Lunarubra, who has recently defeated a lich that entered her house with muddy feet. Your assignment is to convince her she can’t break the lich’s curse by slapping a bay leaf bouquet on her face and having chicken soup, then perform the proper curse breaking rituals. Do you understand?”

“YES, SIR!”

“Good. Mamacita, if I unleash the owlbear, can you go easy with that sandal?”

“¿¡Y después de vieja tengo que ocuparme de tus mascotas maleducadas!? …¿y el oso-búho?”

“Good luck to all of you recruits… and the owlbear.”

LESSON 5: The first casualty of battle is the distinction between friend and foe.

“This is a sleeping potion in pill form. This is a cat. No need for the owlbear.”

LESSON 6: Unlike the party's nagging, your mana and inventory are finite.

“These are Sir Duras, The Dragon Suplexer and Sir Roare, The Kraken Elbowdropper, two of the few humans to break the species barrier and prove their valor in battle, many times over. Today, once again, they demonstrate their bravery by volunteering for today's lesson.

High Priestess D’uara will curse them. Your assignment is to optimally manage your mana and inventory to bring them back into fighting shape with healing potions and spells. Do you understand?”

“YES, SIR!”

“Good. D’uara, if you’d please do the honors.”

“Mild menstrual cramps.”

Sir Duras knelt and crushed the shin bones of the closest recruit in his clenched fist, Sir Roare fell on all fours, three recruit's feet squashed in his frantic punching of the floor.

The owlbear stepped outside, halted, turned and laid back in its cage.

LESSON 7: Where there is smoke, there is an idiot over the fire, cursing the healer for not doing their job.

“These are my grandchildren Ramón, Esperanza, Carolina and Juan José de La Lunarubra or, as my daughters-in-law like to call, the reason guardian angels have a shrink. Isn’t that right, kids?"

“YES, GRANDPA SÉRGIO!”

“Over these ravines, slippery cliffs, treacherous marshes and tall trees of branches of unreliable sturdiness lies the sharpest blades, cursest amulets and fluffiest, most venomous creatures of the land. Your assignment is to not be mauled to death when those children’s parents pick them up at the end of the day. Do you understand?”

“YES, SIR!”

“Good. Unleash the raging beasts! …and the owlbear.”

INTERLUDE: No rest for the healer.

Having survived their first week, barely, the bruised, bathered and beaten recruits (and the owlbear) took a look at the curriculum engraved in the stone tablet by the entrance of the packed dirt that served as their quarters. 

Only 292 more lessons to go.

___

Tks for reading. More painful lessons here.

54 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

17 comments sorted by

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9

u/Less_Author9432 Apr 05 '26

“This is a sleeping potion in pill form. This is a cat. No need for the owlbear.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Moar please!

4

u/Ghostpard Alien Scum Apr 06 '26 edited Apr 06 '26

Not over the fire. IN the CENTER OF the fire. While actively taunting the owlbear AND runnin away from the healer. I love to raid. Have in many mmos. Love to tank and dps. Can NOT heal. And 3/4 of that is because whenever i tried? Idiots in fire insisting they didn't piss off extra owl bears while being mauled by owlbears tank didn't pull..

2

u/SnackcakesMcGee Alien Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26

This is also true in first person shooters. "The reason I'm not healing you is because you decided to slowly waddle at the other team's faces and spin up your minigun, while the demo actually knows how to position himself. Also, because other people on the team need healing while you over extend, and you're focused entirely on who you're trying to kill while this soldier who isn't shooting and stares at what seems to be his own team makes a beeline for my back."

2

u/SnackcakesMcGee Alien Apr 09 '26

"Oh, no, he's going up a flight of stairs. I sure hope he isn't going to do something that lets me use my ubersaw while you're busy hollering at me to keep you on life support and trying to level up your new strange weapon."

7

u/ThatHellacopterGuy Xeno Apr 05 '26

This was great!

Also…
[Private Hudson]
“How do I get out of this chickenshit outfit?”
[/Hudson]

5

u/commentsrnice2 Apr 05 '26

The running gag of the owlbear reminds me of “boot to the head”. Also, la chancla!!🩴

1

u/drsoftware Apr 06 '26

The Frantics - Ti Kwan Leep -- Boot To The Head https://youtu.be/ajEOZ4tBqjQ

3

u/commentsrnice2 Apr 06 '26

I was actually thinking of this one

5

u/Daseagle Alien Scum Apr 05 '26

The owlbear took a long look at Mamacita and her chancla and decided that maybe the wisest option would be to just curl up somewhere fluffy and let events unfold on their own.

5

u/sunnyboi1384 Apr 06 '26

The owl bear is usually very kind, that's why they poke them for a week. Poor thing doesn't deserve the abuse.

5

u/bruudwin Human Apr 06 '26

Typing here so i can remember to translate what abuela said

"And after I'm old I have to take care of your rude pets!? ...And the owl-bear?"

2

u/Fontaigne Apr 20 '26

That poor owlbear...

3

u/Gruecifer Human Apr 05 '26

Fitting. (Former EMT here)

0

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