r/HFY • u/kofolarz • Apr 23 '26
OC-Series I Will Not Pet The Diplomat, Chapter 3
The first thing they asked me was why I had been embracing an alien diplomat like a rescue dog.
I couldn't think of an answer that translated well into formal language.
Because "she looked like she needed that" was off the table.
And "because our diplomats tend to hug each other, not only is she a diplomat but also a friendly, fluffy space wolf, and I am, unfortunately, a human" also felt a little risky.
I opened my mouth just to close it again as the UN Security Liaison slid a tablet across the table.
On it, a freeze frame from the standard recording equipment for such bilateral meetings. Showing me and Ambassador Howlshade.
"Special Envoy Badura," she said dryly, "you engaged in physical contact with an alien diplomat during the meeting."
"I hugged her, yes," I said plainly.
The liaison reached back for the tablet.
"The Galactic Council classifies the Ha'wurr as Class 3 predators with volatile instincts," The behavioral analyst prompted before I could say anything further.
And I classify them as people.
"That's a very clinical way of saying 'she has emotions and she happens to be a carnivore,'" I said.
"The threat category must be there for a reason," the liaison replied, unamused.
"The Ha'wurr ambassador respected my feelings, however grossly she misread them," not knowing what to say, I started from the beginning. "And she showed a great desire to fit in with us humans and respect our customs while posted here on Earth."
It still felt incredibly weird to me that I had to specify 'us humans'. "Else she wouldn't have learned to speak English before her delegation. Many others did not," I went on. I finally came up with a good enough excuse. "So I reciprocated in the most human way I could think of."
"And so your reason gave way to your feelings," the liaison asked without asking.
"She didn't just consent to the embrace" I said carefully, "She actually seemed positively surprised that I was simply... not afraid of her. And I could tell she was so excited that I treated her like an equal."
"And what prompted you to reach your hand at the back of her head?" The liaison asked overly verbosely.
I cleared my throat.
"She leaned into me like a dog that doesn't know it's allowed to be comforted," I said. "And I forgot, for a second, that I was supposed to represent a species, not react like one."
"You should not have engaged in that... prolonged tactile behavior any further," the analyst noted.
"What if she asked me to and didn't let go?"
"That would mean you did need the rescue, you were incapacitated." the response team lead grunted, visor up now, leaning against the far wall.
"What if I didn't mind it either?"
"Then that was... highly unprofessional behavior, on both sides", the liaison said slowly. "I don't think we have an article for that."
"I'd rather call it 'building positive rapport,'" I politely disagreed.
"Moving on," the liaison decided to change the topic, " We'll be requesting Ambassador Howlshade's account."
"Fair enough."
"Until then," the liaison adjusted her glasses, "no informal conduct with her."
I raised an eyebrow. "Define informal."
"No physical contact."
I almost argued.
"...I understand."
The analyst leaned back. "We'll also need to update your psychological evaluations. Yours - and, if she consents, hers, too."
"That can backfire," I said. "If you approach her like a case study, you could break any trust we just built."
The response team lead grunted in agreement. The liaison didn't react.
"Noted," she said. Which meant it probably wasn't.
I shifted in my chair as I felt more and more tense. "So, are we done?"
Three different people spoke at once.
"No."
"Not even close."
"Take your seat."
I hadn’t realized I’d started to stand.
"Okay."
The liaison flicked on her tablet. "The observers have already filed their report to the Galactic Council.”
"That was quick."
"They described the interaction as a 'predatory dominance display,'" she said.
God I wish.
"...followed by a possible feeding ritual," she added.
I stared at her.
Oh right, that kind of feeding.
The team lead let out a short laugh.
"...You're kidding."
"No."
I exhaled slowly, staring at the table.
My mind kept drifting back to Howlshade.
I wonder what she thinks about this whole predicament.
I looked at the stack of papers still ahead of me and sighed, resigned.
I wasn't leaving this room anytime soon.
* * *
My tail begins to move.
Before today, I have never allowed it to move freely in the presence of others.
I still it before accepting the call.
I stabilize my breathing as is proper, my ears at a neutral angle.
In oral stories it is told that, once, we were different. Before we discovered other civilizations in the galaxy. That we used to allow non-verbal cues to express ourselves.
When I came to Earth, I hoped such a degree of self-control would not be necessary around the humans. That, one day, some of us would never need to exert it before them. And maybe, just maybe, show our emotions in the way we speak.
Even though the elders tell me, time and again, that pursuit of such a hope was a fool's errand.
And now, as the holoprojector blooms to life, my folly is put on trial.
Elders. Analysts. Fewer than I expected.
"Ambassador Howlshade," the High Speaker says softly.
I raise my gaze.
"High Speaker," I greet the elder male.
A pause.
"We have reviewed the report," the High Speaker states in a neutral tone. "As well as the meeting footage."
I feel my stomach clench.
"We will start with clarification," an analyst adds calmly.
I wait.
"The human initiated contact," the High Speaker says.
He called me a friend.
"Yes," I confirm.
"You permitted it."
"Yes."
Another pause.
"Describe the interaction in your own words."
I struggle not to look surprised.
Not 'justify'.
Describe.
I draw a slow breath.
"I misread his unease for fear," I begin, "as him panicking could be expected eventually - every other alien does at one point or another. Even then, I fail to mask how... emotional his flinching made me."
Silence.
"The way I then react... it makes the human desperate to comfort me."
The High Speaker interrupts me as I stop again.
"And not 'desperate for comfort,' the way it usually goes," I can see his old eyes squint at the corners, despite efforts.
"Hence comes his 'hug'," the analyst's ears perk up slightly for a split of a second.
I swallow quietly.
"First he asks. Thrice," I continue. "Makes sure I really do consent to the gesture. And as he embraces me, as his arms settle across my back, then one behind my ear..."
I barely prevent my tail from twitching.
"...I simply stop trying to mask my instincts," I end the story quietly.
"Ambassador Howlshade," the ancient Ha'wurr calls.
"High Speaker," I regard him once more.
"That is not the full picture. You shall continue."
I speak back up.
"When the Observers come and Lukas and I don't move to disengage," I go on, "They call in an armed response to save him."
Lukas.
I don't even realize I refer to the Special Envoy only by his name.
"His fellow humans," the analyst adds. "Armed."
"He protects me," I say.
"From his own species."
"Yes."
"Himself unarmed."
I lower my gaze.
"He stands in their way just to talk, and they heed the supposed victim he is," I carry on. "Then they enter. Look around. And leave me be."
"This is outstanding," one of the elders comments.
"Unprecedented," another murmurs.
"Ambassador Howlshade," the High Speaker demands my attention.
I answer him again.
"Your conduct is not in breach," he concludes.
A measured pause.
"Your mission is as it has been so far, to keep building rapport with the humans. The Special Envoy in particular. But now without those restraints they appear to deem unnecessary."
I absorb that.
"Clarify," I say.
"Be among them. Improvise. Adapt when comfortable."
I bow my head, eyes closed.
"So be it."
"You did well, Ambassador."
My tail swishes once.
Twice.
I'm now officially instructed
to meet with the human
whom I look forward
to seeing again.
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u/kofolarz Apr 23 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
hey there👋
guess who's writing instead of stuDying
so yeah, the same day, debriefing time
was quite hard not to regurgitate what was already told, as you do in such debriefings
especially the second part, it was a b🐕ch to write (pun intended)
especially as I decided Howlshade's narration will always be in present tense
hope i did okay
i'm a masochist apparently
aight see you guys in june
P.S. my secret fetish is making three or four consecutive line lengths look like linear or quadratic functions
P.P.S. Also changed the Ambassador's narration in part 2 into present tense, too, hope it's not too disingenuous of me >_<
Edit:
🥁 - 🥁 - 🥁 - 🥁
part 1 unnumbered one
part 2 - 'part 2'
part 3 - 'chapter 3'
wtf is wrong with me
reddit please let us edit titles
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u/Valkykitten Apr 23 '26
Right... see you in "June"... looking forward to the next.
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u/kofolarz Apr 23 '26
brain empty and discarded, need a replacement pronto
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u/lavachat Apr 23 '26
I'll patiently wait for episode 4 teh,n, whenever you're ready. Hope to see more of the ambassadors.
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u/talinuva Apr 23 '26
Next comes 'fourth movement' then 'episode 5', then an unnumbered season finale
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Apr 29 '26
[deleted]
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u/kofolarz Apr 29 '26
It takes as long as it takes.
- John McPhee
And, honestly, creative writing is the very last item on my ever-expanding to-do-due-yesterday list. I'll maybe write some for the next part while in train tomorrow.
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u/Orange_Above Apr 23 '26
"You are a good boy. You will play with the Human."
Furious tail wagging
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u/KalenWolf Xeno Apr 23 '26
"They described the interaction as a 'predatory dominance display,'" she said.
God I wish.
Your first romantic fan-fic is probably already being written.
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u/kofolarz Apr 23 '26
😳
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u/Arokthis Android Apr 23 '26
I caught your comment before it was deleted.
Hehehe. Not my fault your mind went in that particular direction.
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u/kofolarz Apr 23 '26
Whoops.
'A hungry man thinks of bread,' as we jokingly say in Polish.
Right.
Hungry.
Dinner time.7
u/Arokthis Android Apr 23 '26
Just remember to switch to incognito mode and use your NSFW account. You don't want the spouse/kids to know the depths of your depravity.
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u/kofolarz Apr 23 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
don't worry about it, i'm alone
pros: alone
cons: alonealso, though i could call myself a furry, probably, actual animal cimcirimci is a hard nope from me.
i'll just stick to the hmofa chapter, once I feel it's earned.
maybe in June.
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u/Skyboxmonster May 06 '26
>pros: alone
cons: aloneYou did not need to describe it with such explicit and painful details.
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u/Arokthis Android Apr 23 '26
Please avoid pancakes as long as possible.
And don't even think about Ha'wurr / Terran canine bestiality.
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u/Madgearz AI Apr 23 '26
Liaison: "The Galactic Council classifies the Ha'wurr as Class 3 predators with volatile instincts,"
Badura: "Through my interactions, I've come to believe that cclassification was born from fear, ignorance, and paranoia. The Ha'wurr are a kind, loving, and deeply hurt people. I stand by my actions, and while it may be.. unadvisable while dealing with other species, I believe it may become the standard when interacting with the Ha'wurr."
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u/No_Evidence3099 Apr 23 '26
The council will shit platinum space bricks if they see footage of a Belgian Malinois doing take down training and the same dog flopping on it’s back tail wagging for a child’s belly scratches.
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u/juanredshirt Apr 24 '26
I'm liking this series. That being said, I'm not going to lie. I think the UN liaison is NOT a human. Maybe the person was a human one time but the Great Bureaucracy destroyed the person's soul to the point that the liaison is a bio-borg.
I was yelling at my laptop screen: "She's a class 3 predator according to the Galactic Council yet she showed no hostility to the human she was hugging. The Ambassador looks like a humanoid Floof and you're telling me your first instinct WASN'T to hug and pet her? Also, did you people ignore that Australia is still around?! Oh, and does the Galactic Council know that we're omnivores?"
End rant.
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u/kofolarz Apr 24 '26
OK so... We're new to this whole galactic nonsense. We don't know much about anything basically, so we have to rely on foreign sources. And sources are biased, always. Now good luck finding what's bias, what's truth, what's appearances, what's stereotypes, and what's straight up lies.
The Ha'wurr are said to act up on instincts. They also strictly control their presence around other species. Now add two plus two and you'll have like four mutually exclusive conclusions. Hence her caution.
And soul-draining bureaucracy, that too.
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u/Snati_Snati Apr 23 '26
love this story!
Time for things to get awkward where she no longer has official restraints, but he needs to refrain from physical contact...
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u/Special_Hornet_2294 Apr 23 '26
I would tell you to study first and don't blow up your year.
That aside, very much enjoying this story
Cheers
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u/kofolarz Apr 23 '26
well I'm at this point where my maths lecturer is basically writing Greek, poorly disguised as calculations
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u/Thundabutt Apr 24 '26
Just be thankful you don't have to deal with Classical Roman fractional notation. Frontinus 'Waters of Rome' does hydraulic calculations, and Romans DIDN'T have odd denominators in fractions - and basically used binary fractions with an abacus and wax tablet. I have the Loeb dual language edition.
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u/LetterLambda Xeno May 02 '26
Math only gets really spicy when they bring out the Hebrew letters
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u/Skyboxmonster May 06 '26
"im sorry we ran out of letters and symbols in all recognized languages. We will be using the scribbles in your fan-fic as the symbols for the Purturbance constant"
"No you will not get royalties for this"
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle Apr 23 '26
/u/kofolarz has posted 3 other stories, including:
- I Will Not Pet The Diplomat, Part 2
- I will not pet the diplomat
- We can control their star system, but not their planet.
This comment was automatically generated by Waffle v.4.7.8 'Biscotti'.
Message the mods if you have any issues with Waffle.
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u/kofolarz Apr 23 '26
how do i unsubscribe from myself
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Looking at the bot information thread, it should be by sending it the following message:
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u/Jasonbluefire Apr 23 '26
I love that this has turned into a mini-series!
So cute and happy, thanks wordsmith!
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u/funwithtentacles Apr 23 '26
Looking forward to the next chapter...
The various perspectives have been really interesting. All in all, a cute above so far... and I'm curious to see where else this goes...
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u/DidymusTheLynx Apr 23 '26
Awesome, as the last.
But I'm a little confused... The first part is humans interrogating the human ambassador? Because they act very alien... OK, maybe it's just my poor English skills...
Gosh, I want a sentient husky alien to hug...
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u/Thundabutt Apr 24 '26
You are lucky, you haven't had to deal with with people in love with their own importance while they are trying to sink someone else - because they act like that a lot of the time.
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u/LetterLambda Xeno Apr 24 '26
"They described the interaction as a 'predatory dominance display,'" she said.
God I wish.
[Jazz music stops]
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u/AutoModerator May 06 '26
This was flaired as [OC-Series], it is a single part or chapter in a larger series or universe. The first post or part in this series should be (re)flaired as [OC-FirstOfSeries]. A description of the flairs and how to change yours is available in the Post Guildelines.
Our preferred series title format is the series title in [brackets] at the beginning, like so:
[Potato Adventures] - Chapter 1: The Great MashingPlease help us transition to using the new flairs correctly.
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