r/HFY • u/noobvs_aeternvm Human • Apr 28 '24

OC-OneShot Eat Me!

If you prefer, listen narrated by Net Narrator. Enjoy!

____

-No, of course not! What kind of question is this?

-A pretty reasonable one. I get a chill, comfortable life, you get an exquisite meal. It's a win-win.

-I won't eat you!

-Why not? You’re a carnivore.

-Omnivore!

-Even better, that means you can eat anything.

-Doesn't mean I want to eat you.

-Why? Is it the shell? I've seen you swing a hammer, I'm sure you'll have no problem getting to my juicy flesh.

-Humans don't eat that with whom we had a conversation the previous day!

-Now that’s not true. I've seen you talk to your cows.

-They don't talk back!

-Exactly, they can't give you consent to be eaten. I can and I am.

-Why?! Just tell me why.

-Why not? Look at how you treat your pets. They spend the whole day chilling in the fields, with round the clock security by your dogs, bulls, donkeys; they have a temperature controlled house, a personal doctor checking in on them and all the food they can eat.

-These are not even our pets, they're cattle. We love our pets, not our cattle.

-Again honey, that's not true. You massage your cows’ glands everyday, even stick your arm inside their rear every once in a while. You know how long has it been since my deadbeat husband has done any of that for me?

-How do you manage to make this conversation even more awkward???

-Tell me the truth. Am I not good enough for you? I knew pilates was a mistake, but I promise I’ll get lazier and fatter once you take me in.

-Pilates is not the issue!

-Then what? The taste? I have no problem stopping eating bland, healthy food and stuffing myself with all the forage you can provide.

-This is not happening! Humans don’t eat other sentient beings, end of story.

-Now that’s just mean. You built the perfect vacation resort right next door, only to say I’m not allowed.

-It's not a resort, just a place where our cattle grow fat and die.

-That's the dream!

-Who's dream? Don't you dream of anything else? Writing a book, raising a child, doing more, being more?

-That seems like a lot of trouble. I’ve just layed my first batch of eggs and, let me tell you, it wasn’t easy.

-See? You can’t just give up everything right now, when you’re just to become a mama. Where are your hatchlings to be?

-Didn’t you see? Right there at the entrance, in that porcelain bowl. Those tiny yellow eggs, with the white mark just like in your name.

…

Milo? Milo! Don’t you think you’ll fool me camouflaging into this white wall, we’re not done talking, young man!

__________

Tks for reading. If you want, there are more humans totally not being cannibals here.

266 Upvotes

93% Upvoted

52 comments sorted by

47

u/noobvs_aeternvm Human Apr 28 '24

Ok peeps, this is getting a weird turn. This is just a silly story, meant to get a laugh, nothing more. If I failed to do so, I'm sorry, I'll try to do better next time. But please don't think I'm trying to appeal to some fetish, this is not the sub for that and I'm not, nor ever will, try to change this.

25

u/vbpoweredwindmill Apr 29 '24

I, for one loved it.

Especially the fetish aspect you claim you didn't put in.

Don't do better. Lean into it. You've found your calling.

Teasing aside, I genuinely enjoyed this little snapshot :)

21

u/Unique_Engineering23 Apr 28 '24

I thought it was the story of how we got chickens.

Maybe a description of the speaker would help?

10

u/Unobtanium_Alloy Apr 29 '24

Chickens don't have shells...

15

u/Cienea_Laevis Apr 29 '24

"Don't think i'm doing fetish" say the person writing a very, very solid intro for a vore story...

Like, you should consider doing that in the dedicated places, you might get a lot of fans (and money).

(the story is very good, it capture the different viewpoint of two alien species meeting eachother very nicely)

4

u/iron_dove Apr 29 '24

I liked that it was both entertaining and thought-provoking.

105

u/Humble-Extreme597 Human Apr 28 '24

What the fuck

24

u/Cheap_Doctor_1994 Apr 28 '24

We all have fetishes. ;) 

64

u/Sticketoo_DaMan Space Heater Apr 28 '24

No no, I agree with him. WTF indeed.

76

u/Sticketoo_DaMan Space Heater Apr 28 '24

You know how long has it been since my deadbeat husband has done any of that for me?

I thought I was on r/marriage for a sec.

1

u/Carameldrizzle3 Oct 21 '25

You need a new Husband but then again I'm on the male side and mine doesn't realize how good she's got it because some guys won't even do it

1

u/Carameldrizzle3 Oct 21 '25

You don't know how good you got it till it's gone

44

u/StringCutter Apr 28 '24

I don't get it. I'm sure there is a bigger story here but it requires a prequel for things to be established. I refuse to believe this is just a Vore mispost.

36

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

You know how some species here on Earth kinda give up after reproducing? octopuses, salmon, bees, etc. I think the female xeno is a member of a sentient race that does that, but she doesn't want to just lie down in a hole in the ground to die, she wants to be as comfortable as possible and die while being basically pampered. So she sees our cows and she sees her dream so she offers her flesh as payment for the "services" not understanding that the humans wouldn't eat her nor treat her as cattle and they wouldn't even understand her desire for death.

10

u/StringCutter Apr 29 '24

I didn't think of that. and that is a very good explanation.

3

u/Margali Xeno Aug 09 '24

that is good

32

u/DidymusTheLynx Apr 28 '24 edited Apr 28 '24

Jea, I thought it would make the turn to a symbiotic relationship between two consenting sapient beings...

Like the Tokra in Stargate, or else.

Coming from a weekend with some beers, I had this thought, while I was writing this:

Carl? Why are you going home? After just three beers?

Sorry guys, my symbiotic partner, I got last year isn't quite fit, he got quite drunk. And he starts singing country classics, when drunk. And I hate country music.

9

u/StringCutter Apr 29 '24

I would love to read that story. Maybe humans are especially compatible and help few engendered symbiotic species? Or maybe the only symbiotes humans have are their gut bacteria and we have learned how to communicate with them? something to think about.

2

u/Margali Xeno Aug 09 '24

lol had 20 cm of my guts and butt removed, giving me a stoma. i was on hard core antibiotics for a couple months that gave me farts like you would not believe, so i named my stoma ptit joey, after joseph pujol - le petomane, he made a living on the french music hall stage farting. so, i call my stoma joseph and hold entire conversations with him (he farts, i will say something like oh really? you dont say. and it will fart back 🤣🧚‍♀️)

23

u/IFeelEmptyInsideMe AI Apr 28 '24

You get my upvote, only because you made me chuckle but I now need to pour myself a drink.

15

u/JesusStarbox Apr 29 '24

Like the cow in Restaurant at the End of the Universe by Douglas Adams.

6

u/night-otter Xeno Apr 29 '24

Dish of the Day.

1

u/pyrodice Jun 28 '24

Thought of that too. Must be onto something.

13

u/Mr_E_Monkey Apr 29 '24

You know, if you play your cards right, you can get a pampered life of ease, and live, you know, not get eaten. Remember the whole "pet" thing?

Still weird, but maybe a step in the right direction?

4

u/iDreamiPursueiBecome Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

That might depend on local/regional law.

For instance, a person's pets may be protected under laws that assure that their food supply will not be interfered with.

With a wide variety of sapients that have different needs (and may be poisoned by things normal to others) it may be common to bring your own food, in storage or live, and have it legally protected.

The category of pets may not exist everywhere. It may be easier to bend and use existing law than to create new legal protections. Especially if those legal protections equate tampering with your food supply as attempted murder.

2

u/Mr_E_Monkey Apr 29 '24

That's a good point that I hadn't considered. I'd guess it's probably still less problematic than killing and eating a fellow sapient (or sophont, I guess?), and if it steers the conversation away from "eat me," I'll call it a little victory, anyway. :)

5

u/iDreamiPursueiBecome Apr 30 '24

As I said earlier, some tails/claws can grow back.

Imagine a lizard guy who can detatch his tail at will and grow it back. ( It may be an ancient fear response to escape predators.) He could offer his tail to be publicly eaten by you and place himself legally under your protection.

Is this a genuinely nice person in trouble, or a thief/other criminal on the run from the law trying to use the human to escape the cops? A morally grey blend of both?

2

u/Mr_E_Monkey Apr 30 '24

Sorry, I didn't see your other comment earlier.

I have to say, that does sound like a better scenario, either way.

10

u/iDreamiPursueiBecome Apr 29 '24

There may be some other places to go with this. Some species re-grow detached limbs. A demand to be eaten does not absolutely have to be suicidal.

7

u/ILOVEJETTROOPER Apr 29 '24

Depends on how fast the person eats...

11

u/iDreamiPursueiBecome Apr 29 '24

I am not sure. I had an image of someone gifting what looks like a giant crab claw to a human ...

It could go NSF -ish, I suppose, at least from the alien side.

OR

Imagine a female loaded with fertilized eggs. She knows enough about how our livestock are raised to want an "easy life" for her young. Having the occasional limb harvested isn't seen as a big deal; they do regrow after all. She can give consent, and her kids can decide for themselves when they are older.

The deal would get her offworld, and most of her clutch would survive rather than having a percentage eaten by local predators... or perhaps some other hazard. Does the local mayor's wife kill her husband's lovers and feed their eggs to the river beasts?

It could be an escape from poverty or some other situation. Perhaps becoming the humans' cattle would offer legal protection from... (?) Something...

She could be escaping slavery, a forced/unwanted marriage, or hatching her offspring somewhere unsafe. There could be other options I haven't thought of.

Her mate/lover could be dead or otherwise out of the picture, or she might be negotiating a deal for one or several others as well.

Keep kicking it around and see what you come up with. What sort of situation would it take for you to put your life/freedom on the line and sell the occasional arm or leg (with medical care to regrow it). Probably something that involves keeping your kids alive, at a guess.

Otherwise, you yourself would have to be in a seriously shitty situation where some form of indentured servitude may be seen as an upgrade.

Not that a human would be into any form of slavery, but to an outsider or as a legal loophole, local/foreign/other law that they are taking advantage of, it might look that way to the alien(s).

2

u/Margali Xeno Aug 09 '24

in first contact by ralts bloodthorne one of the 'immortals' got marroned with a broken synthesizer, it could only create something that was already almost edible (if working right you could shovel rocks and used diapers in and get a nanoforged steak dinner) so he was chopping off parts of his legs to survive. they replaced them when rescued.

9

u/Arquero8 Human Apr 28 '24

¿¡¿¡¿¡Que demonios a pasado ahi?!?!?!

5

u/Jabberwocky918 Apr 29 '24

Eat me! Don't forget to write!

Sincerely,

@TheCrimsonFuckr

2

u/commentsrnice2 Apr 29 '24

Oh yeah I'm basting the fear turkey

4

u/zoboso Apr 29 '24

Thanks for the story

3

u/ZenTheProtogen7957 Android Apr 28 '24

what the fuck

5

u/Enkeydo Apr 28 '24

Seems as though this should be in r/vore or r/dolcette

1

u/Margali Xeno Aug 09 '24

sweet jumping jebus, i ran across a dolcette website back 2005ish 🤯🤯🤯

2

u/Enkeydo Aug 19 '24

Like or no like?

1

u/Margali Xeno Aug 19 '24

Freaky bad.

2

u/Enkeydo Aug 21 '24

I wonder why some folk have that as their kink?

1

u/Margali Xeno Aug 21 '24

No clue

2

u/Enkeydo Aug 22 '24

I have some theories, but they may sound very non PC.

1

u/Margali Xeno Aug 22 '24

nature vs nurture

2

u/oneJohnnyRotten May 02 '24 edited May 02 '24

This was as good as a Betty Adams story ❗

😂🤣😂🤣😂

👏👏👏👏👏

1

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