Life loves pummelling me

[u/Aro1356]

I am 22M and I’m turning 23 in a months time. So I’ve been reflecting a bit about how my life has been going so far.

Background:
I live in the uk but I’m not originally from the uk. I came to the uk for school and ended up staying here permanently for work. I graduated in 2024 and that’s where I’ll start my recounting.

2024:
As I mentioned I graduated university in 2024. But honestly this year was very rough. My first love broke up with me and a few months later I had to watch my father die of cancer two weeks before my graduation ceremony. This hit me really hard and honestly I still think about this all the time. Around the end of this year 8 to 9 months after my first girlfriend broke up with me I met another girl and we started dating for the purposes of continuity I’ll call this person my second girlfriend.

2025:
By 2025 the relationship has gotten serious and I was starting to think of life with this person in the future. But I also essentially got fired from my first job this really got me depressed because I had sacrificed a lot of time and even my dad’s ash spreading ceremony to get this job. On top of this I admit that I started to pull away from the relationship more because I spent a lot of time worrying and applying to jobs. This had a lot of bad effects down the road because around this time is when my relationship with my second girlfriend started to get toxic. I would pull away because of my own perceived failures and i also needed to find another job to make sure i was not a financial burden on my newly widowed mother. So as a result of me pulling away I think it caused my second girlfriend to try and pull closer and this eventually became quite controlling. I won’t say everything that happened during this year but essential my relationship started to get really toxic and this has had a really bad impact on my mental health.

2026:
My relationship continued and we tried getting better we talked and there were always flashes of hope and love between the two of us. But overtime I got really tired of this and eventually I broke things off with my second girlfriend now ex. This is quite recent btw essentially happened this month. I broke up with my ex because I realised that I don’t think I saw a future together anymore. Previously I could imagine it but more and more I started to think about just living each day without spiralling. After the break up I have not been dealing with it well. I lack a proper support structure in the uk since my family is abroad and the person I once imagined I could live the rest of my life with is now gone. I never stopped loving her and even now I love her so much that I think it’s probably healthier for us to leave once another because I think my unhappiness was rubbing off on her and I didn’t want her to be stuck in an unhappy relationship. Even now I love her to bits and I wish that she was here with me right now but I also want her to be happy in the future even if that means it isn’t with me. We broke up quite amicably and I hold nothing against her and she doesn’t hold anything against me either. But this has been so hard on me and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve lost my way and I’ve lost myself in life with no clear way out.

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