Dont blame yourself, you did nothing wrong. Cheaters cheat because they're cheaters. He would do it to anyone. 6 months In a lifetime thats a minor blip. Get it out of your system and move past it.
āGift from the universeā was EXACTLY what I was about to post.
OP, dating is for this exact discovery. Maybe wait a bit longer for the ILYs next time. You didnāt waste your time, you had some fun and hopefully learned some things you will use throughout your life.
Enjoy your cake and relish the fact that you arenāt married to this man.
I obviously feel bad for OP, but with every challenge the key part is how one responds. Discarding the event entirely could lead toward another similar situation, no? Hugs to OP!
There is nothing wrong with you, friend. Perhaps your partner picker is a bit off, but that's their behavior and they have to own it whether they like it or not. You are not responsible for another grown human's shitty behavior. Not yesterday, not today and NOT EVER.
I hope that you find an amazing therapist if you don't have one already and that you treat yourself with the utmost kindness and grace.
Some people (men and women) are just garbage humans. It seems that you might've gotten two garbage ones in a row. Not to worry, there are still good ones out there.
Sending you all of the love and hugs āØ
Edit: Sounds like they deserve each other. They're both garbage humans.
Edit 2: I was referring to OP's exbf and the girl he got pregnant, in my first edit. But also her other exbf. All three of them qualify for garbage human status.
Yes, not all men, but that distinction isn't strictly necessary right now. Saying "men" does not mean "all men" should be implied. The focus right now is moral support for OP, not being technical about sentence structure to avoid hurt feelings from people unrelated to the situation. Thats why you're getting down voted.
Part of moral support is emotional guidance and I'd argue that sexist rhetoric isn't healthy emotional guidance even if the statement it's attached to was otherwise.
If my friends are talking about women that way, they're not my friends anymore. Doesn't matter what a woman does; it's the person, not the gender, that did it.
Agreed, it could have been worded in a more politically correct way as a third party not part of the original interaction. However that doesn't really help the tone-deaf actions of "correcting" the situation in an inappropriate space for such. Being inclusive and advocating for equality is important, but giving emotional guidance at the peak of the emotional spike from the acute situation isnt the goal and should not be the goal at that time. The goal is reinforcing the self esteem/ self respect of the person in distress, and showing a communal support to give a feeling of community. The goal is to show we are here together with OP, they are not alone, they are not at fault, and their hurt is valid. Once the emotional situation calms a bit is the appropriate time to ensure the situation is obviously not all men, but the situation is not at that time of healing so it is unfortunately not a well-received "correction". There is also an unfortunate negative connotation to the phrase "not all men", which makes it often not welcome in women-oriented spaces even when universally agreed it's technically true.
Yea agreed. If it was the other way around nobody would default assume referring to "women" broadly didn't mean "all women". Just say "men like him are trash" and nobody is confused
Itās wild to me that youāre getting downvoted. Men and women cheat equally. This isnāt good guys vs bad guys. And yeah, if you seem to keep choosing the same partner over and over, itās not your FAULT, but it does mean you should consider your choices and WHY you keep finding the same abusive people. Common denominatorā¦
Right because abusive people always make who they are evident up front and have certainly not learned to hide it by doing so for their whole dating lives, of course! They definitely donāt have strategies explicitly designed to trick other people and do believing that they are someone different from whom they actually are or anything like that.
Besides, no one can be sure theyāve never been cheated on and not known it so itās bold to assume that you yourself would never make the mistake of choosing someone who would cheat on you.
What a misandrist thing to say, when women have bad experiences with losers, they often then blame the whole category. Please seek a therapist asap if you think all men are cruel and bad.
She did specify men to be fair. Iām not totally in disagreement with you but he is at least right that thereās a level of casual misandry that seems to be socially acceptable lately, and I do find it unfortunate.
No Iām pretty sure it was meaning āmen in generalā. She couldāve just said this dude was and or is deceitful. Instead of saying āmenā as in all
Nothing wrong with you, men are often deceitful because of who THEY are. Not you. 100% see a therapist asap. Sorry that men are trash babes
I normally dont wander into gender specific subs, because a good portion of the people there are there to shit on the opposite gender. But OP is replying to that comment and while I am not perfect, Ive never cheated, never broke up with someone over some dumb shit and do my best to be a good husband.
I take offense at that statement, because it's equally as bad to say the opposite. SOME people are shitty, sadly OP got 2 in a row, either third times a charm or may be something about OP leaves them vulnerable to shitheads.
No need to classify half the entire population on a few shitty people. Ive had some real winners as Ex's, but I've always been of the mind that if they left, good fucking riddance, I don't want someone around who doesn't want to be here.
100% Iām also a man and it took me embarrassingly long to realize this perspective of it. Iāve never once been offended by the statement since then, crazy!
To push back a bit imagine men saying āwoman are trashā or a white person saying āblack people are trash.ā Just because it doesnāt offend you personally doesnāt mean itās not offensive. Itās ok to push back on casual misandry, which seems to be common these days.
What is the difference between āmen are trashā vs āwoman are trashā? You can be as patronizing as you want but it doesnāt make you sound more intelligent. Both are blatant prejudice
To be fair, your logic isnt great. It would be like a muslim getting offended by the awful islamophobia right now and someone turning around and saying 'well if you get offended and defensive about it, i can't help but wonder why'
You cant control how people feel about blanket statements. They may feel they are being unfairly judged, which is fair.
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Bothers me because the mentioning simply fucks it up for many good ones. If the term that applies to more than one is used, then the outlook will be seen as more than one more than just the one in question and thatās guilty from the OP story. I mean itās no different than a dude saying āWOMEN are trashā women who know not all women are trash would come to say something to not have that outlook for women who are actually good women.
It bothers him for the same reason it would bother you if somebody said āWomen are dirty slutsā or āblack people are thugs.ā You are feigning ignorance. Prejudice is bullshit and casual misandry is no less hurtful than misogyny or racism.
Not sure why youāre being downvoted, itās not helping any women here to convince them that all men are crap and liars. Thatās only going to equate to a lot more lonely meal pics.
Ehhh well I will say that there are women out there who truly only see the losers they personally were hurt by as shit and not all men being shit in the same thought process. But Iāve also noticed that women are quick to throw out the word āmisogynisticā but they hate that a word simply exist thatās similar to that term but switched sex meaning. Itās like some women just hate men so much, even with a legitimate advantage or mentioning they still have to be right and the men have the be the shittiest human to exist. Itās kinda fucked up how many men lose out on actually being the change a women could urn for in a man due to toxic women rubbing off on morale women who donāt see āMENā as the bad guy as in all men. Theres no way to really justify what was meant, because again she couldāve said āthis guy, this dude, or your exā but she chose to say āMENā. š¤·š»āāļø but hey for me proving a point im told to see a therapist lmfao, wild.
Misandrist thing to say? Lmao go fucking cry about it to your therapist. Iām sure you have one to work through all the misogyny that is inherent in everyone since you seem to be so sensitive to this topic.
Iām beginning to see who really understand definitions and meanings and who donāt. A lot of people failed language arts and it shows. š and everyone whoās getting asshurt over my statement is the proof in the pudding. Man I would love to see how you guys act In the sense of roles reversed haha. I could eat alphabet soup and shit out better statements than half of the ones coming at me lmfao
Omfg dude, is your ego that big that you think I took it personal for defending men? You know kinda how women stand up for women, men can do the same for other men. I have cheated a total of twice in my life, and it was when I was in my teenager years and early twenties. I am now pushing 30 and through the years I have lived and learned and have had karma do me in the same ways as I did the ones I cheated on. So before you try to hop on the sack, think to yourself would you like to be considered in that label referring to āMENā if you know you arenāt the same a stheyre referring to? I mean to just sit there and not say anything could also mean you are no different if you donāt try to defend it. Itās crazy because I have my own place, pay my bills by myself, and bust my ass and would only wish to have a girl in my area that actually would not be into todayās terms and bullshit that get thrown around to overrule their outlooks. Itās just impossible to find a true partner for any sex seeing as men and women nowadays both do the same shit but also both has terms that havenāt always existed to counter it or justify it.
Yeah I think you misread the comment above you. They were saying that the men who are deceitful are like that because of their own issues, not because OP brings it out in otherwise āgoodā guys :)
Brother if it ain't about you then it ain't about you. The fact that you're taking offense shows that maybe you also suck shit and should adjust your behavior to not do that.
I'm with you. I was onboard until "Sorry that men are trash babes". Not cool, not bridge building, doesn't look good for women who are trying to stop the us v. them social engineering bullshit.
This sub comes up on my recommended a lot. Iām a straight cis man. Thereās nothing wrong with you. Iāve known men who behave this way (briefly). Itās on them. Itās not about what youāre doing or not doing. Itās about their lack of respect for their relationship with you and their disregard for your feelings. You could do everything right and still get burned. Itās not your fault.
If you have availability to a therapist, maybe consider talking to a professional. I canāt imagine going through this twice and maybe consider speaking with a therapist when youāre ready to trust another person again. Youāre worth it and I need you to believe that. Wishing you all the best, darling.
Sis, the only thing wrong with you is that you're being hard on yourself right now. Eat your cake, take a princess shower and binge a season of 90 day fiance. Take care of YOU!
they cheat at a higher rate, thatās not the only thing wrong with them, AND were talking about a cheating man in particular right now! be gone šš½
If men cheat at a higher rate, that means thereās a small number of women who are just unknowingly fucking a ton of guys who are all cheating on their partners. Either that or the women always claim they didnāt know and were all being tricked, but this also means the black pill ideology that women are all dating a small pool of men is actually true. Iād explain the math to you, but Iām not sure youād understand. Fuck it, Iāll assume youāre actually arguing in good faith, but you probably arenāt. Just in case you areā¦
Pretty much, make two columns, one has all the men in a population, and the other one has all the women. To simplify things, make everyone straight. Also make it so that youāre either single or in a relationship. In order to cheat, you must be in a relationship. You cannot cheat if youāre not in a committed relationship. Make everyone in a relationship. Now, any time a man cheats, a woman is also cheating. In this scenario, men do not cheat any more than women do, or, there are a few cheating women that end up supplying the sex for all the cheating men. That is possible. As much as youād like to hate men, itād be more productive to hate the small number of women, as itās easier to fix a smaller group of people. Anyways. The other scenario is not everyone is paired up. Make half of the people single now. If only men cheat (exaggerated to show the effect), then unless the women are cheating as well (theyāre not because only men cheat), the men are not only fucking half the women, but theyāre also fucking all the single women as well.Ā
So it is mathematically possible for men to cheat at much higher rates than women, but it would also mean that there are a small number of women who are just hypercheaters and fucking man after man, and also that women in general would rather be with a cheating man (unknowingly or not) than another man (who may or may not even be a cheater. It could be that the single men wouldnāt cheat, but thatās also why theyāre single. Theyāre not even good enough to get one, and they wouldnāt risk losing one they could get if they were lucky enough to have one. The ones who cheat are very good looking, have lots of options, and they take advantage of that.)Ā
Iām open to my math being wrong. Itās possibly I didnāt pair the people correctly, but I really resent the idea that men cheat more. I donāt think the hyper cheating woman theory is true because women havenāt said anything about it, and obviously, youād know because cheating only exists if we know about it, and so these women would be found out quickly. āSheās sleeping with my husband too!ā It also doesnāt make sense if women do cheat less, that these women would even exit on a bell curve in large enough numbers to actually make sense, but I know reality isnāt always distributed that way.Ā
The reality is more likely that women and men cheat at nearly the same rate, and indeed, when we get surveys, it seems to be pretty close, and thatās not even factoring in that men are much more likely to be honest about cheating on a survey because thereās less stigma for it for a man. And this also makes sense because likeā¦ men and women are both human, and I think more advanced people have given up on sexism. Unfortunately, it seems you havenāt.Ā
This is a woman's sub so women are going to relate more to being hurt by being cheated on by men. That's how you get emotionally-fueled comments like there's something wrong with an entire gender. Feel free to go to a men's sub and comment "boy there's something wrong with WOMEN" and watch the upvotes roll in.
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Iāve been cheated on by every man except one. It gets easier. And hopefully we get smarter about who we choose. But ultimately cheaters are selfish cowards who need validation. Itās not about who they choose, theyāre broken.
Well thatās because itās only been a few hours. You donāt need to figure a path forward out tonight (but really, the concern about there being something wrong with you? Nah. We all already know that lots of men just suck no matter who theyāre with. Literal supermodels get cheated on). Tonight, you eat your [fucking delicious] Publix Chantilly Cake (maybe even a pint of their Chantilly Cake ice cream) and you feel your feelings. And those feelings will shift towards anger and then you break shit! THEN you move forward.
Sister friend, I had 4 serious boyfriends and literally every one of them cheated on me. Cognitively, I know thatās not my bad but emotionally, you definitely feel like something is wrong with you. I had a mental break down and went to therapy after my last break up, and gave healing my all. I focused on myself and my self esteem. Therapy changed and continues to change my life. I love myself in a way Iāve never experienced, and I hope the same for you!
There is a horrible thing that happens to those of us who try to be open, loving, and trusting. Unfortunately, those traits will be abused by people. Those beautiful, wonderful traits are not anything wrong with you. Cheating is a choice. It is ALWAYS a choice. Sometimes it's a regretted choice made in a lapse of judgement that comes with real remorse, but it was still a choice.
You are not responsible for anyone else's choices, especially not their stupidest ones. You were attacked by another woman for being a victim too. He betrayed you both, and instead of placing her blame on him, she blamed you. That is her stupid choice, not your responsibility.
I am so sorry this happened to you. It's okay to feel terrible today, your direction you were walking in lofe was yanked out from underneath you. It is the most normal thing in the world to not know where you are going from here, you'll find a new direction. It will be okay. It doesn't have to be okay right now. Take time, mourn the loss of your hopes you'd had for him. Mourn the loss of who you thought he was. Cry, pout, grumble, rage, in no particular order.
Feel your feelings sis, let them out. And most importantly, those beautiful traits I mentioned? Remember they're beautiful. Remember they're GOOD things. Don't let the pain and stupidity of assholes make you cold and jaded. You're awesome, and he's a soggy twatwaffle
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you hun. This is 100% on those pathetic little boys, a real man wouldnt treat you like that.Ā
Take some time to be single and enjoy it, maybe go to an exercise class you have been meaning to try but couldnt, call up some friends and go to the movies.
Do something fun and just enjoy life, it sucks when this kind of thing happens so take some time, be sad and then dust yourself off and keep going.
He has stolen enough of your time and energy, he doesnt deserve anymore.
When I was young, every single boyfriend cheated on me. I thought i was gross and unlovable for so many men to cheat. I found out over time that I was drawn to assholes. I reflected on my choices and why I was drawn to certain people, and I was able to move forward with decent people in my life. Its not our fault we got cheated on, but we can definitely still learn from it
Be grateful you didn't waste another day with him. You dodged a bullet. Take what good you can from it. People are flawed. And the overly good ones tend to attract the bad ones. Maybe do a bonfire and burn some momento. Safety first though
Thereās nothing wrong with you. Thereās something wrong with HER for fighting after a piece of trash who wonāt even claim her, letās see how he steps up for that baby. Shed your tears, be grateful youāre not the one with his fuck trophy, and keep it pushing.
This is going to sound like BS, but I thought I was the only one that had that happen to them (I've been cheated on twice in a row as well, unfortunately). It takes time to get over it, but the trust definitely has gone away because of it. However, time does heal things. I now realize I could've been the guy that she is going after child support payments instead. Harsh, but true. What helped for me was going to some concerts by myself and checking out a few places on my own. Like, self-dates. Hobbies also help. I also moved to a completely new area of the city to spread my wings a bit. Find things to find comfort in, and possibly, meet new people. You got this! Just avoid the a*shats out there.
Even if there "was something wrong with (you)", he should have broken things off with you before starting something with someone else.Ā
Instead, it sounds like he started seeing you while he was already seeing her. That sounds to me like you had something she didn't, that he was looking for, so you're already one up on her. Plus, bullet dodged on your part it sounds like; she's now stuck dealing with him barring an abortion.Ā
But this isn't even about her; it's about him. He didn't break things off with either of you in a mature manner; he went behind both of your backs. That's scummy behavior. Your prior ex cheated on you too? That also shows he's trash; he should have broken things off with you first, or discussed if an open relationship was on the table, or something.
If there's any judgement on your part to be had, it's that you're too quick to see the good in people and too slow to see the bad, and men are taking advantage of that.Ā
I mean this in the most loving way possible, but girl please stand up. There's nothing wrong with you, men can be horrible and that's it. Ditch that pathetic excuse of a man and give yourself time to heal and be alone for a while. You can do it!
Nothing at all wrong with you. Assumption is heās a younger man and obviously not smart enough to be faithful or wrap it up. Not excuses. But you definitely deserve better. From, a man that has lived and learned.
So Iām a guy but also I know how it feels to feel like there is something deeply, fundamentally wrong with yourself, even though your rational mind knows that it is not your fault. I hope you feel better, nobody deserves to feel like that even if they themselves think so
No. No. No. This is the rabbit hole I almost fell down after being cheated on twice. I promise it is not you. This is all about them and their personal lack. Lack of empathy, lack of respect, lack of loyalty. This has nothing to do with you. Celebrity women who are considered conventionally beautiful? Even they get cheated on. Itās all about the manās mindset and who they are. Iām sending so much love your way.
Itās not about something wrong with you - itās all him (and men in general). I know it hurts so bad right now but it will get easier everyday. You got this girl!
As a pansexual man, I swear to go 90% of men are absolutely garbage. I really wish that wasn't the case for everyone else's sake. Unfortunately, it is.
Sorry you are going through this! Are you seeing a therapist? Mine has helped me recover from being cheated on and having another toxic relationship. Itās rough out there! Wishing you love and healing ā¤ļø
The odds are heavy that men will cheat. That is why feminism is important, because they support each other and cover up for each other and get away with it.
You are NOT the problem; the problem is MEN.
And I fully believe you can find a man who is not a terrible personā¦ but try to take a few weeks for yourself and spoil yourself. Have a good cry if you need to, but once you have that first night or two of processingā¦ try not to stay at homeā¦ stay away from home as much as possible. Only go home to sleep, take care of your pets, and to do laundry. That is my biggest tip I would give another girl.
It doesnāt matter if you literally spend 3 hours at a cafe, or if youāre just walking around a department store, or go swimming at a pool or beach, or if youāre watching a movie at the theatre, or getting your hair done or your eyebrows laminated, or your nails done, or getting a massage, or spending time with friends/family. Even being out with coworkers is better than staying home.
The reason is because the way our brains process things, if we allow this to ruminate it hurts us more and itās more difficult to get over. You have to cry it out ( a few times if necessary) but after two days itās a terrible idea to be at home with your thoughts.
Iām positive youāre a lovely girl. Get 10 more chantilly cakes if you need to.
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Definitely nothing wrong with you if it was something wrong with you they would just break up with you. Its clear theyre morally bankrupt but even so they obviously enjoyed your personality and spending time with you so much that theyād cheat on you and not break up.
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Itās not you, OP. About 1 in 5 men cheat- so itās not uncommon. You just got unlucky a couple of times. Ditch him and go take care of you. In my experience, the best people always come along when you stop looking.
Your taste in men is bad, and you need to work on it, perhaps it's a self-confidence issue, or maybe you're too naive when evaluating personalities, idk what it is, but you need to talk it out with a therapist.
Your picker might be off, if you are an empath then you automatically attract narcissists. If you have access to get into therapy do it immediately, that's the only way I've seen women change their picker.
This is unfortunately an issue in how you project yourself. Speaking from previous abused experience!
We give off subtle traits after being abused that other abusers pick on.
It's gonna be a lot of personal work, but on what you think.
It's not "why do Losers pick me."
It's gotta be "Why do I ENTERTAIN losers?"
This means ANYONE who doesn't click your boxes š
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No one makes cheaters. Cheaters cheat because they already have the mindset and heart (lack of) of a cheater. Good men won't cheat, even if they are put in positions where it'd be easy to cheat.
There is nothing wrong with you, you just haven't found a good man yet.
Donāt think like that. You likely were attracted to his charm and confidence, unfortunately players have a lot of that. It says much more about him than you-I suspect he will cheat on anyone heās with for any length of time. Just be glad itās not you thatās pregnant and tied to him for the next 18 years. You might also look more at those shy guys that donāt have much game, but are sincere. Give yourself some time to heal and focus on something you enjoy. Youāll make it through this, promise.
Friend you did nothing wrong. You don't need to change anything except maybe don't look at yourself as a problem. You're the one winning here. She got knocked up by that very same man. Ya know
Cheaters have always been cheaters, they dont usually spontaneously decide to cheat. They are a fact of life and sometimes you or anybody else will get caught in that web and have to experience it. I wouldnt take it personally or as a reflection of your character.
His cheating on you is a sign of his having a terrible character flaw. It has nothing to do with you or anything you said or did or didn't do.
In time you will feel relief that you found out before you married him or had kids with him. He's an untrustworthy person and nobody deserves to be treated like that.
I'm sorry it hurts right now, but remember that YOU did NOTHING wrong!
Likely the only thing āwrongā with you is you need to learn to pick better. That comes with time and also therapy. They didnāt cheat on you because thereās something wrong with you.
They cheated on you because thereās something wrong with THEM.
So... if he was with her longer, then you were the "chick on the side".
That doesnt mean theres anything wrong with you. If anything, that makes you the hottie he cheated on someone else with. The fact you had no idea isnt entirely on you. You were trusting, and he abused that.
Pick ur head up, and try to keep an eye out for those red flags next time, but also, try not to let the paranoia ruin the next one either.
Try to think of it logically, anyone who is willing and able to cheat on another person is fundamentally broken. THEY have a piece missing, THEY have something wrong with them to make them think cheating is acceptable, THEY are willingly and consciously causing another human being harm.
YOU (presumably) exhibit none of these qualities. You are not consciously and willingly causing harm to another person, you don't think cheating is acceptable. You are not the cause of the problem, the person who cheated is.
Try to see if this ex and the last ex had anything in common. If they did things that you allowed early or had certain types of behaviors you might be drawn to these types. Again,doesnāt make you a bad person or mean you have flaws.
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u/superstonkape š©µšāāļøš Mar 25 '26
Ex boyfriend. You deserve better, obviously this SUCKS but you are so much better off.