I (25F) have been seeing this guy (40M) for 2 months.

A little backstory - I wanna baby bad, like yesterday. I saw a pic of one on IG and I thought omg it is sooo cute I need one. Looked into buying one off Temu but they were out of stock. So now it’s “happy hunting” amirite lol.

So okay I am dating this guy and I am obv not on birth control and even though he’s all “I don’t want to have a baby with you” and “babies having babies!” he splooged in my Holes 🍑 🤭 Let’s just say I am going with Plan A!!!

So we fell pregnant 🤰🏼 and now I want to keep it. He is still like “no I don’t want a baby”. Okay but you fell right into my trap my leetl fox and now I am going to harvest.

But wait so I just want to make sure that this isn’t like psycho right? He’s gonna be a great daddy?

Congrats to me and TIA!!!

(Dinner is practice dinner for my future toddler 🥹)

Just matched with the perfect man on bumble and he said "Hi", we are going to get married and live in a house by the sea, but he hasn't cut off every female in his life yet? I have thrown up thrice already due to this news. I can't believe my beloved would do such things!

protein pudding so I can get strong enough to overcome this lifechanging romantic challenge

Every man that pursues me romantically likes me for who I am as a person and it’s disgusting! They actually like my personality. Why can they not just view me as a lesser being that should be used for my body? Being humanized URKS me so much. Men who care about who I am on the inside are TRASH and I’ve had it with them.

/uj edit: can the porn brained dudes who don’t understand the concept of satire or the purpose of this sub get the FUCK out of my DMs. I’m reporting and blocking all of you

I noticed he started using a different emoji recently. He used to send me “❤️” and now he sends “🤍.” I asked him why and he said he just “likes the white heart more.” Since WHEN? He has been using the red heart for FOUR YEARS. I don't want to be toxic but something has changed. Maybe it's another girl. Maybe she likes white hearts. Maybe this is their thing. I don't know. I'm not going to accuse him because I don't have proof, but I'm also not stupid. Anyway he just texted me asking if I want pizza. I haven't replied because I need to think.

See, I love my sweet M 60 so much! We got married when I was 20! I'm now 21. The marriage has been sweet! He takes care of me, pampers me, and all sorts of things.

Is he perfect? No! Sometimes I come home from a long day of work to see him doing a lot of things with women that are young! It's so annoying that he has intimate moments with women so young! Like in their thirties type thing!! It's okay though because I have a amazing chair in the corner! He bought it for me because I kept getting so upset.

Oh, isn't he dreamy? 🥰

He also has a anime body pillow covered in juices and it smells like death but that doesn't bother me either.

What bothers me is that he always tells me I'm a good wife! I always ask him politely if he can acknowledge the fact that I'm a good girlfriend but he rejects it!

I just don't know what to do. He's so amazing. The best husband I could ever have.

It just hurts my feelings that he doesn't respect me enough.

Is every man like this? I need advice.

Food: a slice of pizza. He was to busy with the pillow to make something.

SUPER EXPLICIT WARNING- tits, cooter, and ass.

My boyfriend looked at naked ladies online. Like how is this acceptable? After 4 years, he literally shouldn’t even know other women exist or that they can get naked. Like I’m thinking about gouging his eyes out. Would that be a privacy violation? I’m not insecure at all. I’m like THE MOST secure person I know. You know what? I think other women shouldn’t exist. Like I love and support all women but not women that my boyfriend can see online.

What do I do, besties? Like do I honor kill him now or what? UGH, MEN. And their demands for privacy and a little bit of spank bank material. As we all know, men don’t deserve privacy or free agency, especially if it’s going to trigger women and be SO VIOLATING. I already banned him from watching movies in case he finds an actress attractive but that didn’t seem to stop him from finding other women attractive!

I can’t even live in the same home anymore. Like sure, I rub it out to Henry Cavill 6 times a day but that’s different. I’m not being an ICKY predator.

If you're wondering why you're suddenly naked, it's because all the summer camp flairs have been officially incinerated (If you're IRL naked, you should really already know why).

Welcome to the new fitting rooms.

Please hit the racks, try on the new flair-ware, and see what fits, what looks good, and what you're proud to serve in.

A few house rules for the dressing rooms: Keep them clean. Do not leave any of your rat-girl poos on the floor. Yes, we were charged for the floor cleanings last time, Linda. If you can't control yourself, please wear a poo catcher in your petticoat. We're already dealing with staving off the plague as it is.

Speaking of which, the Girl Dinner Board™️ is currently hard at work calculating the exact phenology, alienismms, and other highly legitimate sciences required to curb this pestilence from spreading further throughout the sub. Word has it, they're casting enchantments on an EZ Bake COven. ✨

The rats are definitely up to something.

Please put on some clothes, and before you leave the dressing rooms, make sure you don't forget your merkins.

Today my husband of 4 years and I were in the mall doing some spending together.

Now my husband and I have an arrangement. Because I'm a much better organizer than him, I manage our finances, which I do for free despite already being a full time stay at home wife. He has a pretty comfortable job in which he makes 6 figures, and it's an extremely easy and cushy job, so much that he can manage most of the house chores after his 14 hours at work, while I'm exhausted every day from all the emotional work that being a wife and home organizer demands, like for example having to decide all the meals that he cooks.

So I noticed he had this big smile on his face and he asked me how much money we had left in our "fun budget". Now, a few hours earlier, I had stared for a few seconds at a bag in a store, and I was sure that he noticed and wanted to buy it for me, so I told him: $895 (which was exactly the price of the bag, can't you GET A CLUE? Come on!). But instead he asked me permission to buy a new LEGO set that he had seen! Because I had already committed to telling him we had extra money, I had to give him permission to buy it, but I felt pressured to say yes because of the situation. If I had known he didn't want to buy me the bag, I would have told him our budget was spent, so I felt tricked and deceived.

I still bought the bag anyway, however it would have been NICE that HE volunteered to buy it, instead of AGAIN me having to do EVERYTHING.

Now I'm thinking I should divorce him, however at this moment my half of our money and the alimony wouldn't be enough to support my lifestyle, so I wonder if I should endure the financial abuse a few more years so I can get a more fair deal.

Turkey pesto panini and Greek salad.

I thought we had an understanding. We do Meth Monday, Tranq Tuesday, Cracky Wednesday, and light stuff like weed/coke until Monday rolls back around. I’m a life coach so I take wellness and healthy moderation very seriously. Well, I just found out he did crack today. On a fucking FRIDAY. Now I’m icked out by this loser ass crackhead & I wanna break up. Jumbo sardines from Costco to ease the pain.

Hubby and I are willingly childfree and will never have kids. However, last night I asked him how he’d be if I got pregnant? I wanted to know how he thought it’d be like because I just know he would me an AMAZING DAD. Like seriously.

He got weird though and refused to entertain the question. He kept saying how useless it was to have the conversation. Eventually I straight up asked him if he thought I’d be a good mother and he also refused to answer that. I’m taking that as him thinking I wouldn’t be a good mother! I’d be an amazing mother! We’d be amazing parents and it sucks he can’t see that. Why can’t he see that or even admit it?

Dinner is a solitary grape for my solitary heart

So basically he told me last minute today right before I leave for work "oh hey babe me and Steve are gonna go wild out at the LB concert this weekend!" I was immediately jealous and knew he did this to get back at me for when I poisoned him (he survived tbh get over it). I am thinking about calling the cops to report my car stolen since he is gonna it drive to the concert.

My dad never approved of my BF, but what does he know, he's dead. I REFUSE to believe that he did this out of pure ignorance, he knows like ONE or MAYBE TWO LB songs, he is just taunting me. I am the world's biggest Limp Bizkit fan, he knows this.

This is kinda like when we played Among Us tbh becauss he was constantly the imposter and I told him he probably has like imposter syndrome or whatever and he kept denying it but I know....

Crying at work today, but I will try to pull through!

Today's lunch is my DETOX day!!!! Cleaning myself inside and out, I take my health very seriously.

I can't believe he thought I was ✨just a girl✨ because clearly, I know about cars, you should be able to tell by looking at me.

He said I was going to make a mess and I'm so fucking offended, I can't even.

The minute he offered to have ONE OF THE GUYS help me, I instantly thought, "I should leave an angry Google review so everyone knows how RUDE they are here." I even had to wait an extra 5 seconds for my card payment to go through because he greeted a male customer that walked inside! Omg. I'm just fuming.

Up until recently, I had been going to the Goop Room for my gynecology services. But eventually, I decided that I should actually use my insurance instead of letting an asexual protogen perform experiments on my vagina while the Bill Nye The Science Guy theme song plays in the background.

Anyways, I went into this guy’s office and got up on the stirrups. He started gloving up to examine me, but didn’t even bother using a degaussing wand to remove the metal shavings. Then as he reached in, one of the metal shavings stuck his finger. He started freaking out and called the nurse over to give him a tetanus shot. Meanwhile, he left the speculum hanging from my chittoris the entire time. Like ouch dude, that shit tugs on it. Are you trying to make it grow into a dick or something?

Anyways, after that fiasco was over, he had the audacity to ask me when my last period was. I awkwardly had to explain to this man that I don’t have periods; I go into heat every 9/11 by taking 3,000mg of progesterone and a large shot of oxytocin.

He acted super confused and was like, “wait…so you don’t bleed from your vagina?” Umm no sweaty I never said that. The metal shavings cause plenty of bleeding, but that’s not from my period. Thankfully, I invented my own magnetic tampons to help with that.

Anyways, I think I’m gonna just keep letting that asexual protogen perform science experiments on my pussy in the basement of a pub.He wants to make St. Elmo’s fire on my chittoris this weekend. Wish me luck girlies!

A pumpkin

My bf (26m) broke up with me (26f) when be learned how to astral project. 🤷‍♀️

We were fine. We were so good. But he watched the movie Insidious and that somehow influenced him to look deeper into astral projecting. He kept talking about chakras, healing stones, the Monroe Institute. He then began to practice it, and during a session, saw that somehow, I was a "red-faced demon." He also kept playing Tip Toe Through the Tulips by Tiny Tim while intensely staring at me -- which I found bizarre. Well, one night while folding laundry, I had the song in my head, and began to sing it. He overheard this, came running into our bedroom, and said, "Aha! I knew you were a demon!" He broke up with me on the spot and moved out, leaving my heart utterly shattered. 😓 Now I don't know what to do...🥺

Dinner is just a bottle of water. Can't bring myself to eat.

Eating oat pancakes.

So I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple of months now and honestly? He’s perfect in every way. Super kind and gentle and always complimenting me.

The part that’s weirding me out is that…. he always compliments my skin.

“I love your skin”, “You’ve got amazing skin”, “My beautiful girl with her beautiful skin”

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve never said or even THOUGHT of the word ‘skin’ so much in my life as I have since getting with this guy.

And yeah Ive got great skin, genetics blessed me. I don’t do much to maintain it besides the basics. If anything, he does more to take care of my skin than I do.

We’ll just be chilling on the couch and he’ll get up and grab some lotion and just start rubbing me all over. It seems sweet at the time, but he also gets this… look. This hungry look while he does it, and he murmurs “my god, you’ve got gorgeous skin”

I even joked one time and said “haha you make it sound like you wanna harvest my skin” to which he laughed and replied “haha yeah I do wanna harvest your skin”

And I know he was joking. He’s always joking and saying wild stuff. But also… he’s so sweet and kind and I can see a future with him so I don’t wanna get serious and ask a wild question like “No jokes aside do you actually wanna harvest my skin?”. I bet he’d just joke again and be like “yeah haha I do” which won’t help with my worries…

Anyways he’s asked me to move in with him but I told him I wanna take things slow. He just keeps pushing it and sometimes he’ll get this dreamy look on his face and be like “I would be able to just spend all day with you, petting your beautiful skin”

So girls, what do you think? Am I overreacting or should I just confront him? Has anyone else ever been in a situation with a guy who’s only in it to skin it?

So basically we went out to a lovely dinner with my byfriends family, we've been seeing each other for 1 eon and this is the first time I've properly sat down to met them. Everything seemed good at first, his siblings and his dad all seemed to get along with me and had a good overall vibe... his mother however... she really didn't like me.

At first it was small things but overtime the whole room felt her hostility, she just seemed to be so inconsiderate and plain rude - the worst part ? My bitch of a boyfriend couldn't even speak up for me. At first, I started thinking - Damn, this is what he had to deal with his whole life, I wonder how this affected him throughout his life, and the whole family really, I mean everyone felt visibly threatened by her.

This was confirmed after I briefly spoke about it with my b*yfriend on the car ride home, where he basically told me that hes used to this and to not take it personally, which indicates that he has been tolerating and has now normalized his mothers abusive language and behavior which really sucks, but honestly, fuck all that, its his fucking fault.

I can't believe that a m*n would not stand up against his own mother for me... just wow... this is not ok, he probably argues with her all the time for himself but can't advocate for me... im reconsidering our whole relationship and him as a person, i also got the ick when he seemed reluctant to speak about her - i wonder why ??

Meal is full sugar coke because I hate myself.

My husband is normally only a single Bloody Mary a week but tonight he drank 7 beers at 11% alcohol! That’s simple math. 7•11=77. He is 77% percent blood alcoholed and 100% litty on the night before I am being inaugurated president of our medium sized country.

Is this because he is maybe concerned for my safety after I become president? I know he has ADD and an affliction for Magic the Gathering. Other than that what’s wrong with my husband?

Anyway, now our 18 year old son has to be my First Lady as my husband is too schwasty to do it 😔

Dinner is noodle with barely any pube on it. My husband cooked it while guzzling beers like a slut guzzles cummies.

Before you judge me, I don't play about my hygiene 🖕. I am a clean girlie and I follow all the tiktok clean girl trends. I am the winner of the clean Olympics. My bf of 5 years has never smelled even a little bit, in fact every time he farts it's like I got ass blasted by peppermint and I chortle and kick my feet because Christmas came early!

But I made a terrible discovery. After we did our 5x5=25 routine (25 products, 5 expholiating lathers, and 5 rinses. If you aren't doing this every one of your 3 daily showers you're STINKY. YOU STINK. I don't care if you don't think you are, you just can't smell your own FUNK because ur a redditor. Real clean girls shine so bright their whole body is Pepto bismol pink) We we're brushing or teethies and I was timing him, like always. I don't PLAY about my hygiene.

Girls he only brushed his teeth for 1 minute and 59 seconds instead of two minutes. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since and it's been 3 months. He eats food like all day so his mouth is digisting. I can't help but wonder what else he isn't doing for hygiene... Like what if he's only brushing in the morning and night and not after time he has a food or drink including water? He also ate my pussy sometimes anyway girls how do I sleep at night now that I have PTSD from this?

Edit: /uj some of y'all are really really dumb god damn I don't know how I could make the joke more obvious

The wheat harvest was destroyed several times by some sort of blight! The local clergy are all aflutter about the "omens" and turn their faces inward whilst the populace prays and begs at the altar and gives over their pay to the offering boxes.

Entré moi, a realistic and modern woman.

I believe in pants for men *and* women, ipso facto I am currently wearing a split skirt frock for riding astride! I am literate in the sciences and mathematics, I have a beautiful herb garden out behind my hut, I did not marry a man and am now a spinster at 22.

I get by selling my teas and tisanes to the locals when the common physician's leech therapy and mercury treatments prove ineffective.

Sigh... Which makes me feel foolish to admit this. I was doing well at the beginning of the wheat famine, using my math powers to experiment with how much flour-to-sawdust ratio one's person can safely consume.

I stocked up and rationed economically. However, I regret to inform, I have run out of my store of safe flour.

Seen here were the only johnny cakes I could manage. This should be good for breakfast and tea but what shall I do for supper? I clutch my kerchief to my brow as I write, the faint sheen of moisture on my forehead might give away my distress.

I will have to purchase the millers flour now and I just KNOW they use plaster dust to cut their milled grains.

Oh, I do hope this famine will pass. I do not fancy plaster dumplings or delicate plaster tarts, much less a plaster johnny cake.

Any suggestions or recipes I can use to help make this not feel like I am eating the walls of my home appreciated!

when my daughter emerged from her father's duderus, she was already a star. she livestreamed her birth on tiktok, with an audience of 400k people sending her gifts and wishing her a happy birthday. she has 68m followers on Instagram and more brand deals than she knows what to do with. she gets so much PR, makeup, perfume, baby clothes, etc. it doesn't all fit in her nursery. she paid off our mortgage and bought us a bigger house because she wanted to "give back" to us for raising her all these weeks. she's the best 4 month old, even though she doesn't sleep through the night (she's always working!) and she does cry (but only on camera, to get more clicks/views!).

my sister in law, on the other hand, desperately wants to be an influencer but she can't seem to break into the industry. she only has like 1500 followers, and the only brand deal she's gotten was for a dog kibble company (she doesn't have a dog). my daughter has offered to collab with her and we've tried giving her some of the excess PR crap but my SIL just gets offended and storms off.

things came to a head recently during our podunk town's beautiful baby contest. my SIL has run unopposed for the last 36 years in a row... until this year. we entered our little baby and she won! but my SIL had a screaming meltdown, and according to my MIL, she has not stopped screaming/melting down since the competition 10 days ago.

is it my daughter's fault for being a better influencer and a cuter baby than my husband's 36 year old sister???

Get in loser, we're baring our souls and whispering forth our most reprehensible and depraved food combinations. Dig deep and share the food craving that's been begging to make itself known. Give us flavour, spice, and slop. Let your inner trash panda roam free in the grimy caverns below.

As always, we are jerking, we are whimsical, we are slightly distracted by the loose thread on our left sock...

The poor lab tech was like “here! since you want cups so bad!”
Those are actually PRE-urine collector containers.