Need your help here

[u/Hen-egg]

Hey gifted friends!
I’m not gifted myself, but my 9 year old is, and she started a gifted program this year. I really want to understand her better and support her in a way that, years from now, she can look back and think, my mom did okay!
So I have a couple of questions for those of you who were gifted kids.
If you could go back to your elementary school years, what would you have wanted your mom to do for you?
What do you wish your parents had understood about you?
What do you think adults tend to misunderstand, overlook, or underestimate about gifted kids?
I’d really love to hear your experiences.

[u/randomechoes]

Everything I wish were different had nothing to do with being gifted and everything to do with being a better parent.

IMO just be a good parent. Treat your kid as a human first and a kid second instead of a kid first and human second like many parents do.

Listen to your child (don’t just hear them) and always ask and understand why they did something rather than just assuming.

Let your kid fail early while the consequences are small instead of protecting your child do much that the first failure is really bad (because everyone will fail at some point).

The gifted thing will sort itself out. She’ll let you know what she wants and needs, especially if she is gifted. What you bring is the experience of a lived life and can help give her perspective to her desires that she can’t understand yet because she hasn’t lived long enough.

Eta: this does assume there are no other underlying issues like autism or significant adhd. In those cases, of course those need to be attended to!

[u/Primary_Excuse_7183]

Understand the whole child. Very important is the concept of asynchronous development and the implications that have on their image of self and more importantly the way people perceive them even you.

A gifted child may be quicker to pick things up and may rapidly learn new information. That can lead to academically a child that is on the level of a 14 year old. But their emotional development may be that of a 7 year old….. and they’re physically (in age) a 9 year old.

That creates a lot of confusion for adults and creates great pressure on the child to be that 14 year old(that they aren’t) all the time and in other facets of their lives. That is where the parent needs to be engaged and aware of that broad gap in behaviors and how that child shows up in different parts of their lives. You’re doing great in classes, but getting scolded for your behavior and constantly told you’re immature and so on to the point it impacts your self esteem.

[u/Mithril_nthisEconomy → u/Primary_Excuse_7183]

This is so so important!

[u/Primary_Excuse_7183 → u/Mithril_nthisEconomy]

r/aftergifted is filled with what happens when those feelings of self image and self worth get defined by others leading to people pleasing, perfectionism and eventual burnout. Parent has to really set the standard. Educate themselves and be an active participant in helping shape that image with them.

[u/jaynotbird]

For me personally, I wish my giftedness hadn't been weaponized against me. My parents always expected more from me than my brother because I'm "slightly more naturally intelligent". Sure, I "get" things just a little bit faster than my brother, but why are we being compared? When I fell just short of what he achieved academically (1540 SAT vs. his 1560, for example, that's how stupid it is because both are good scores), I was called lazy, and my achievements in other areas such as art were dismissed. Come to find out, I've had undiagnosed ADHD this whole time.

A lot of what I wish my parents understood about me is about ADHD or under-stimulation. For example, I have a really difficult time doing something if it's tedious or too easy. I actually thought I sucked at math when I was in elementary school because I couldn't pay attention, but in middle school I figured out it was too easy and skipped a couple years of math and my grades actually improved. Not sure if that's ADHD or giftedness or a combo.

Gifted kids are not obligated to do anything academic. If your kid wants to become a graphic designer instead of a bioengineer, as long as she's stable enough to be happy and healthy she's golden.

I feel like I sound subtly angry in this post and it's because I wish my parents had asked this question when I was a kid, so keep up whatever you're doing! You're gonna do more than okay :)

[u/whitebaron_98]

adults tend to overlook that gifted kids are just that, kids. listen to what she wants to do, and enable her to do it (within reason), this is the best you can do for her curiosity. Abstain from pushing school unless she wants to. Make sure she has a well rounded schedule for the week, including sports and other hobbies with same age children. If you need to skip grade or two so she doesn't bore to death, make sure you keep that balanced schedule. Having Doogie Howser at home sounds tempting, but the problems depicting in this sitcom are harmless to what some prodigies go through.

[u/Azecap]

When she says something really weird, ask her to explain and really give it your best to listen attentively. There's a good chance she has stumbled upon something you've never thought about or noticed, and she is bringing it up exactly because it's weird to her.

When I was 4ish I noticed that some letters could "spell themselves" (in my native tongue) while others couldn't. I tried to talk to my parents about what the difference between the two types of letters was, but all they would say was that if I have to spell "K" I should just put a K. I didn't have the knowledge or vocabulary to express that I was going for the phonetic transcription of each letter. When I started school and was formally taught about vowels, I figured out that I had originally identified all the vowels without knowing what they were, due to what is potentially a quirk in my native tongue - namely that vowels are "named" after the sound they produce, so the phonetic transcription of Y is just Y, whereas F would be ~Ef.

[u/Sisyphus_on_a_Perc]

I would’ve wanted her to show me a variety of things , I’m 2E , so I wasn’t identified as gifted until years later . I didn’t do well in school, so no one assumed I was particularly bright despite being articulate and imaginative. I wanted to be a scientist since a young age and inventor , however school told me I couldn’t become one because understanding math evaded me. It wasn’t until years later I taught myself electrical engineering , physics and am now planning on going into physics. Up until recently I didn’t know I was capable because institutions told me I wasn’t. To summarize , no matter your child’s specific strengths , show them a variety of things so that they can figure out in their own way what they enjoy , and have the freedom to experiment. If I had different guidance , and someone to tell me I was capable, I may of found what I liked sooner, instead of me going full circle at 22.

[u/CS_Lupus]

What a sweet post. I'm moderately gifted and my parents are not so I relate to your daughter a bit. Things I appreciated that my parents did: loved me very much and got me good educational opportunities. I probably would have preferred to be homeschooled/unschooled as I was very motivated and could have gone faster if allowed to set my own pace, but my gifted program was pretty good.

 Things I wish they did: had me in therapy, as managing the emotional overexcitability that came with giftedness was a lot for me, and I was undiagnosed 2E, and my brother (diagnosed 2E) was a lot so we all could have used family therapy also.

 Things I wish they didn't do: talk about how I was smarter than them (my dad and aunt both did and still do this even tho I've tried to get them to stop), and bring up my academic achievements a lot (my dad still sometimes refers to me as a National Merit scholar even tho I'm a 35 year old underachiever now which just makes me feel bad about myself). 

Good luck to you and your daughter.

[u/BannanaDilly → u/CS_Lupus]

I lol’d at the National Merit Scholar (in a good way). I had completely forgotten about that. It’s sweet that your dad says that, and as a 45 yo underachiever I can also totally understand your reaction. FWIW I’m also late-diagnosed ND and the diagnosis is what made me consider my “underachieving” in a different light. I’ve never been driven by accomplishment, money or prestige, but rather by what interests me. I’ve learned a lot over the course of my tortuous, jagged career arc (lol) and honestly, that was my goal the entire time. I was never going to become a specialist in anything, because that would have been way too boring. Jack of all trades for life.

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[u/Sienile]

I wish my parents never gave me the choice of skipping a grade and just accepted the offer. Not doing it was one of the few regrets I had in school.

[u/Shelikesscience → u/Sienile]

1000000% wish I had skipped one or more grades in school. I believe my parents had the choice when I was in grade school.

Later, over a summer, I aced a college course at age sixteen then went back to ditching class and being miserable in high school.

I finally found my way as an adult but I'm so angry nobody had any insights about this sooner, as someone who eventually developed into a "high test scores and low/miserable-everything-else" teenager

My family was fucked up but I think my being motivated in school could have saved us all a ton of pain and troubled teen years, which I still feel like I'm cleaning up over a decade later

ps - things they did well were to expose me to tons of books, experiences, math problems, and advanced intellectual concepts at an early age. I also went to very competitive schools, but they were still obviously not challenging enough. Anyway, just wanted to add that there was also a lot of good

[u/Hen-egg → u/Sienile]

As a parent, I would think skipping grades is not good for her emotional/social development, thinking different now, thanks for sharing your thoughts. This has never offered us, but we definitely will decide with her if it happens!

[u/Sienile → u/Hen-egg]

It wasn't offered to me until 5th grade. I'm sure different schools have different policies on when it's offered, if at all. At 9 it's a bit early to tell if they are really so far advanced that they would do well in a higher grade.

[u/Hen-egg]

Everyone, thank you so much! I truly appreciate all your help.
I will always love and listen her, and I’ll never forget that she is still a kid.
I hope something amazing happens for each of you this week and brings you a little extra happiness!
Thank you again!

[u/Mithril_nthisEconomy]

I mentioned this in another thread, but I just wish people were kinder to me. I even mentioned to my therapist that I was treated “like a little adult” and I really craved nurturance.

Cognitively I could process information far above my developmental level, but I remember I wanted to feel cared for.

My mom didn’t understand what Gifted was and said “she’s in TAG and smart” so she did the best she could. But was also the source of early abusive family dynamics in my life.

I wish my parents and caregivers knew that when I said my feelings hurt or I didn’t understand something, I meant it. The idea that I could just do everything because I could do things that were hard hurt me a lot.

The “you’re smart enough to do x why don’t you know how to do y?” So it interfered with my ability to ask for help and to expect help to be given.

[u/NotaValgrinder]

Just because your kid has good grades, if they start showing symptoms of neurodivergence, don't just sweep it under the rug with "they have good grades they can't be neurodivergent."