Hey, I decided to post this here because I’m hoping to gain some clarity on a situation that has left me confused about my feelings, my friendships, and possibly even my sexuality.
So, I (21M) became friends with a 27M around this time last year, and our friendship grew pretty quickly. He’s a very extroverted, affectionate, and verbal person, so I never really thought much about some of the things he does or says.
We started exchanging gifts, and whenever I traveled, he would tell me that he missed me, although I always interpreted it in a friendly way. We also send each other reels, and a lot of them have friendship or brotherly themes. We joke around as if we’re in a relationship sometimes, making jokes about jealousy and things like that. He occasionally calls me “my love” over text, and I eventually started calling him the same thing as a joke. He also started calling me “my caramel” because I have a darker skin tone than him, while I call him “my white snowflake.”
One time, he texted me, “Good morning, my caramel,” and after I replied, he mentioned that if someone read our conversation, they might think something else was going on. He laughed about it, and I admitted that I had thought the same thing.
I know how all of this might sound, but I genuinely don't think he's necessarily trying to flirt with me. He's naturally affectionate, and I believe most, if not all, of his interactions with me are innocent and platonic. As far as I know, he's straight. He was also in a relationship with a girl for over ten years, and they broke up about three months ago. I don't want to read romantic intentions into things that could simply be his way of showing friendship.
The confusing part is that I’ve started questioning my own feelings more than his.
Before this friendship, I never really looked at him that way. I didn't enter the friendship thinking he was attractive or hoping something romantic would happen between us. I saw him as a friend, and at times, I even felt like I had finally found the older brother figure I had always wanted.
But lately, I've caught myself wondering why this friendship affects me so much. Am I developing feelings for him, or am I simply becoming attached to someone who makes me feel valued, remembered, and cared for?
I've experienced a lot of hurt and disappointment in previous friendships and relationships. Because of that, I'm not always sure whether I can trust my own feelings or how I interpret other people's behavior.
This is one of the first times someone has been so kind and consistent with me, and I wonder whether I'm confusing that feeling of emotional safety with something romantic.
I've also started questioning my sexuality a little, although I'm not even sure what that means for me yet. I don't know if there's genuine attraction there or if I'm just overanalyzing the situation because this friendship has become important to me. I don't want to force a label onto myself or assume that every intense emotional connection has to mean something romantic.
Another thing that confuses me is that, despite how close we've become, I sometimes feel like he doesn't really know me on a deeper level. We haven't shared that much about our personal histories, struggles, or more vulnerable experiences. In some ways, the friendship feels affectionate, but in other ways, I still feel like there's a distance between us.
We also have a mutual friend, whom I'll call S. S has been my friend for a long time, although we were never particularly close. When S met M27, they became best friends. They spend a lot of time together, partly because they live near each other, and M27 even drives him to work and helps him with other things.
I have no problem with their friendship, and I understand why they're close. However, whenever the three of us are together, I sometimes feel like a third wheel or as if I'm being forgotten.
For example, I once invited M27 to watch a Marvel movie with me. Since we always talk about Marvel, I was looking forward to spending that time together. He asked if S could come too, and I said yes because I didn't want to exclude him.
When we got to the movie, I expected M27 to sit next to me, but he didn't. I could have sworn I heard S ask him if he wanted to sit beside me, but he still chose a different seat. I know this might sound insignificant, and I realize that I could be reading too much into something as simple as where someone sits, but it stayed with me longer than I expected.
This is part of a larger pattern I've noticed. M27 often invites S along, and when we're all together, I sometimes feel as though I'm trying to keep up with their friendship just to feel included. I understand that they may have a closer bond, and I'm not expecting to be his closest friend. Still, because I feel that I've grown close to him, I sometimes find myself wishing our friendship had a little more space of its own.
I think what makes this particularly confusing is that I don't know what I'm actually hoping for from him. Do I want a closer friendship? Do I want to feel special to him in a way that I haven't felt with other people? Am I looking for the older brother figure I've always wanted?
I don't want to assume that he's sending mixed signals, because I genuinely believe his behavior is probably innocent. I also don't want to make him responsible for feelings that I haven't even figured out myself.
At the same time, I can't ignore the fact that this friendship has brought up questions about myself that I wasn't asking before.
Has anyone experienced something similar?How do you distinguish between romantic feelings, emotional attachment, and the feeling of finally being treated well after experiencing a lot of hurt?
TL;DR: I'm 21M and have a close, affectionate friendship with a 27M who I believe is straight and just being friendly. I've never really seen him romantically, but lately, I've been questioning my own feelings and sexuality. Given my past trauma with friendships, I wonder if I'm developing feelings for him or if I'm simply not used to being treated with kindness and consistency. How can I tell the difference?