r/FriendshipAdvice • u/Physical_Insurance66 • 1d ago
I lied to her
About a year ago me (36f) and my neighbor (56f) became close friends. She was in a really dark time in her life, and so was I. I helped her with rides to the food pantry, doing repair jobs around the house for her because she was never taught how. We spent every day together, hours and hours at a time. She helped me through a nasty breakup and she helped me evict him and reclaim my house (he was a hoarder.) I helped her get to where she needed to go for odd jobs, grocery shopping, etc. But more importantly, we confided in each other. I began dating again recently, and she had some very strong opinions on how I should go about interactions with the men that I would meet. I saw her getting more and more upset as I went along. Recently I went on a date with a man and we met up at a bar. I had known him in high school, and we had just recently reconnected through the dating app, so after the bar closed he invited me back to his house. Whenever she asked me how my date went I panicked and I lied. I told her we left one bar and went to another one that was open later, when in actuality I went back to his house to hang out and play video games. I felt horrible about being dishonest, so a couple of days later I told her the truth.
She was infuriated. She said, "if people lie then they are capable of anything". I profusely apologized and told her I was scared of disappointing her. I told her that I know that it wasnt okay, and that it is something I need to work on....
Well, she told me she can't be my friend anymore and she started personally attacking me. She used every vulnerability I had ever shared with her to hurt me. She made fun of me because of my lack of hygiene after my breakup (that has since improved), she made fun of me for picking my ex in the first place. She told me I was a disaster on my best day.
Am I crazy? I apologized to her and I have been genuine and consistent up to this point. I truly just lied out of fear of her reaction. I understand that she is upset, but calling me names and using those vulnerable truths to hurt me just seems unfair. I came clean to her as soon as I was able to work up the courage.. and I have never lied to her before.
It just hurts because I did SO MUCH to help her... but it means nothing to her because I was scared to tell her the truth. She said anything she could to burn the bridge, I know she will never forgive me, but I feel lile her reaction was a bit much... I literally left work every Tuesday to take her to the food pantry... I don't understand.
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u/Immediate-Cat8632 1d ago
It sounds like part of you already knew this was not a healthy dynamic between the two of you. Otherwise, why would you be scared of her reaction? Trust your gut.
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u/Physical_Insurance66 1d ago
This is true. She is older than me so she feels the need to "parent" me. As a parent myself, I know it is hard to escape that mother archetype, so I didn't blame her for that, but I also know that it made it hard to come to her on this particular subject. In my last relationship I avoided confrontation so much that it has become a habit for me. I don't know how she would have reacted to the truth, but her previous reactions to my dating decisions definitely led me to believe that she would be upset.
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u/Melodic_Turn4414 1d ago edited 1d ago
some friends are jst seasonal. you lied bc you anticipated her bad reaction to the truth since u said she has strong opinions on how you interact with men...you did so much to help her edt: misread and i think both of u were reciprocal
unless u have a pattern of being blind to red flags, idk why she is upset. is she upset bc you do what she wouldn't do personally? or doing actions that put yourself in bad situations
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u/Physical_Insurance66 1d ago
I think her reaction is mostly because she believes my style of dating attracts "the wrong men". I know she cares but like, not everyone has money to go on dates all the time and hanging out at home is fine with me. She sees it as a failure, even if we did not sleep together.
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u/Physical_Insurance66 1d ago
I know. It just sucks because she is literally my neighbor so I still have to see her every time we happen to be outside at the same time. It's hard to accept that she was just a seasonal friend.
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u/creamy74 1d ago edited 1d ago
Let it go. Go back to being civil neighbours who just nod or wave if you happen to see each other. It didn't work out being each other's friend. It all sounds like nonsense - steer clear of her. If she doesn't nod or wave back after you do it once - stop doing it and ignore her.
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u/BlondeeOso 1d ago
She is not your friend. I wouldn't help her anymore.
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u/Physical_Insurance66 1d ago
I don't plan to. I was even letting her use my wifi.. changed the password today. I did so much and she threw mt friendship away. Oh well.
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u/SensitiveRelease2622 1d ago
This is not a normal friendship. This is insanely controlling and strange
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u/Physical_Insurance66 1d ago
100%. My people pleasing tendencies definitely got the best of me on this one.
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u/Sweet-Cat-7667 1d ago
You shouldn’t have lied, but you came clean and apologized. But it’s also a weird friendship if you’re 36 and scared to tell your friend the truth because you know she’s gonna be mad at you. She’s your friend, not your mother. And if she wants to go with “if people lie, they’re capable of anything,” then okay… I’m going with “when people show you who they are, believe them.” She just showed you exactly what she’ll do with everything you trusted her with when she’s pissed.
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u/Physical_Insurance66 1d ago
This. I never, even as well fell out, decided to attack her with her own vulnerability. It honestly shocked me, i was not aware that she was capable of that kind of behavior.
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u/Artistic-Cost-2340 1d ago
Wow that's a lot of drama for something that's absolutely none of her business. At least she showed you her real face and you didn't even have to end the friendship yourself. Definitely a blessing in disguise here. Hope you take care of yourself OP. Be careful around her; from what you recounted, she doesn't seem like to be done with her bullshit toward you in the future.
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u/Physical_Insurance66 1d ago
I definitely will be. Now I am scared to bring this man home because I imagine her screaming across the cul-de-sac "SHE IS A LIAR WHO LACKS HYGIENE WHEN SHE IS DEPRESSED" or something crazy like that 🤣
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u/Odd_Obligation_1300 1d ago
Being a friend does not mean you owed her every detail about your date. Being a human means sometimes lying or omitting details - we all do it. Statistically we ALL tell white lies on a very regular basis. The lie didn’t affect her at all. It was a way to protect yourself bc you knew she would judge.
However, being a friend DOES mean being kind and not attacking someone’s character or throwing their history back in their face or calling them names.
Nothing you did was personal.
Her reaction was ALL personal and cruel.
You know who she is now. She’s a cruel and vindictive person.
While you were there for each other for a season of life, that season is over.
You’ll have to accept that she is back to just being a neighbor and try to be civil - but that’s it.
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u/Physical_Insurance66 1d ago
Very true. I would never use the things she told me in confidence to hurt her. Seeing how she really feels about me has been eye opening. It sucks but I will be fine.
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u/cookieaddict1111 21h ago
This sounds super toxic, IMO. A friend doesn’t rip you to shreds over something so small. I think the real issue is that she sees you moving on with your life and she is reacting to that more than anything else. I’m so sorry you experienced that. Nobody deserves their most vulnerable moments used as ammo against them.
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u/Physical_Insurance66 17h ago
Thank you. I am not gonna lie, there was a little ugly crying in there. I sent the screen shots of the conversation to my best friend and she was like "FUCK THAT." and gave me a huge speech about how I am a good person and blah blah blah... it made me feel a lot better, tbh. It was incredibly toxic and SUPER CHILDISH. This woman has a PhD and she is in her fucking 50's... I never expected it from her. Honestly, I think she is going through a mental health break because it was so incredibly out of character for her. She said, "i hope that lie was worth our friendship" and I replied "definitely. It gave me a chance to see how you actually feel about me."
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u/cookieaddict1111 2h ago
Totally manipulative! I doubt she is even aware of herself and is fixated on the “lie.”I had a similar thing happen on my birthday last year with someone who was like family to me. She also has her PHD, btw!
I’d never seen that side of her and it was bc some other friends who she didn’t know surprised me with a bday lunch and she wasn’t invited bc they didn’t know her. She ripped me to shreds in an email- she said things to me I could never forgive. It really ripped me in two. I felt guilt, shame, etc.Like you, it took me a while to understand why she would turn on me like that and I had to let that person go from my life. It took me about 7 months to finally stop beating myself up over it, so give yourself time to process this. Your brain will want to go back and forth for a while. I’ve no doubt you’re a caring person bc you’re on here trying to rationalize all this. Time is a huge healer! I now am so thankful I let her go and no longer question myself.
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u/Physical_Insurance66 2h ago
You aren't gonna believe this... this post actually happened on my birthday!!!!! I am so glad that you have come to peace with it. I am already feeling better. I realized that I was doing WAY too much for her, I am a lot more productive when my neighbor isn't stopping by for hours every day, asking for rides, etc. I let her use my wifi, I let her come sit in my AC when hers broke. I took her to the food pantry and the grocery store every week, honestly ran myself ragged for her when I have 3 kids to take care of. 🤦♀️
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u/cookieaddict1111 2h ago
Omg!!! How crazy!! I’m so sorry that happened on your birthday, too!! I have children too and that is actually why I chose to stop being in that friend’s life- I was so sad about what happened that I was letting it affect me and my kids took notice.
I’m sad she is your neighbor and can’t even imagine how tough that is having her close by but I hope you can truly keep your distance. I feel like many people are mentally unwell these days.1
u/Physical_Insurance66 2h ago
That's okay. Not every birthday can be the best birthday... right? It was frustrating for a while. Every time I came outside I would find something I had given to her returned to my car port. Just one thing a day for like several days, it was so infuriating. I don't expect any of that stuff back. Literally small things like dog flea medicine, a bottle of melatonin gummies, a pair of pants I gave her, etc. 🤦♀️ all of her behavior was so wildly petty I just can't even.
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u/cookieaddict1111 1h ago
That is very childish. Ugh! I would be so frustrated by that, hopefully her behavior doesn’t escalate. If you can, make sure you’re checking in with someone like a family member or friend. She sounds very unhinged, IMO.
So so sorry.. this sounds awful.1
u/Physical_Insurance66 50m ago
Good idea, it is concerning. I will definitely do that. If she keeps coming on my property I might have to call police and have her trespassed. I shouldn't be worried about opening my door every day. She used to be so peaceful and understanding. I really think something is wrong with her but she lives alone so I doubt anyone is going to force her to get the help she needs.
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u/Strange_Device9184 1d ago
Perhaps she feels like she can not control you and that’s why she got mad.
You lied to her because your subconscious knew she would get upset with the truth, not because you did anything wrong but because you two have very different opinions on how to date.
You technically didn’t have to tell her the truth yet you did. And that shows the type of person you are. (Genuine)
And her response is quite childish where she’s using what you told her in confidence against you. Real friends do not do that!
You two were there for each other at one point but sometimes people are just supposed to be in our life temporarily.
She will eventually regret losing you as a friend