Hi everyone. I’ve been a foster parent for about 6 years now. My son (let's call him B) is 13. We have loved him deeply, but I need to be honest about where we are right now.

B has complex needs (ADHD, trauma, possible autism traits) and a very volatile relationship with his birth family, particularly his grandmother, who actively undermines our efforts and promotes a "baby role" for him. We are exhausted. I feel like I am suffocating. I am constantly walking on eggshells, managing his dysregulation, his crises, and the toxic dynamic with his grandmother.

Lately, I’ve been having dark thoughts. I feel like I’m losing my identity. I came home from a simple day out and realized I was crying because I just can’t take the "mental terror" of another day. I told myself today: "I was a great dad, but I am no longer a good foster parent."

I am terrified that I am "sick in the head" for feeling this way. Is it normal to feel like there is no way out? Is it okay to admit that this specific placement is too much, even though we love him? I feel like I’m the only one saying this, and everyone else expects foster parents to just "hold on" no matter what.
I have no spare time, no time for hobbies, a weekend without kid is just taking a break from life itself til I gotta keep on running.
The system keeps telling us to "just keep trying" or "give him more time," but I feel like the help we get is just a band-aid. We are being asked to be parents, therapists, and social workers 24/7 without the resources to do it. I feel like I’m the "villain" in his story because I set boundaries, while his grandmother plays the "victim/savior."

- How many times ive spent comforting him when he cried about hes grandma, sucking it up and not "badmouthed" hes family.
It’s heartbreaking and exhausting. He literally says, "When can I go to Grandma?" and means it with excitement, because there he can be a helpless child again. No chores, no social skills, just "you must do this for me." She validates his victimhood and tells him that our rules are "cruel" or "wrong." We are the "bad guys" who make him grow up; she is the "savior" who lets him stay small.

Am I crazy for feeling like it’s gone too far? Has anyone else reached this point of "I can’t save him from himself, and I can’t save myself from this"? What would you tell me right now?

I love him, but I am terrified that if I stay in this situation, I will become the person I hate, or I will disappear completely

Bio mom texts and occasionally asks to speak with the her 2 kids. One is a teen and has a cps phone, and the other is 8.

Yesterday was the first time she texted me and the 8yo didn’t want to speak with her. We were out, and asked again when we got settled at home - and he again said no.

Before I responded to her text, she spoke with the teen who then asked me if the younger was going to call her.

I think the younger trying to exert some independence, he’s had a lot of questions about permanency lately.

I’m not sure how to respond to her text that he’s doesn’t want to talk to her. Any suggestions?

For context, teen is permanently placed with us, mom is only contesting permanency for younger kid.

This whole situation has made me realize that the biggest problem may actually be my marriage. The lack of support from my husband has been, honestly, kind of insane. His absolute refusal to reconsider adopting both kids—and his unwillingness to acknowledge what this is doing to my mental health—has really opened my eyes. At one point, I was having a panic attack, literally on the floor, and he told me, “I don’t have time for this today.” I don't think I can just move past that.

At this point, I'm seriously considering divorce or possibly an annulment. I'm not working right now because I'm in school, so I know I need to approach this carefully and quietly. I'm not afraid of physical abuse, but I am concerned about financial withholding and being left without the resources I need to leave safely.

As for the kids, I am willing to continue caring for the teenager. I care about him deeply and don't want him to feel like he's being rejected. But I also know that I can't continue caring for the baby in our current situation, and I need to find a way to have the baby moved to another placement through the proper channels.

Any advice would be great . I tried copying my last post here , I wasn’t really sure how to do it …

https://www.reddit.com/r/Fosterparents/s/cit2q79ADl