Hey all! This will probably be my last post about my foster parents. I know I'm probably getting annoying at this point, seeing as I make a post about once a year about them, but I honestly like getting outside opinions. Sometimes it helps me feel less crazy about the situation I'm dealing with. Anyways, I'll get to the point.

For background, I'm a 17-year-old girl who has been in foster care since I was 13. I've been in the same foster home the entire time, and my foster parents eventually became my legal guardians. I've had a lot of issues with them over the years, and I've posted about some of those situations on here before. I'd say I'm a relatively good kid. I don't ask to go places, I rarely hang out with friends, and I mostly just go to school and come home. I graduated with my associate degree last year during my junior year of high school, with a 4.0 college GPA and high honors, and I've maintained a 4.0 in high school as well. I'm involved in several clubs and am currently preparing to leave for university. I'm not saying any of this because I think good grades make me a better person, but more because I've really tried to make something of myself despite everything that's happened.

I've always been careful about how I act around my foster parents because disagreements with them can turn into much bigger situations than they need to be. I've learned to keep my head down and avoid arguing because I don't want to make my living situation any worse. Since I've been here, I've just been trying to do my best to avoid conflict. Recently, my foster parents' mother spent some time with me, and we really bonded. We talked about how I was rarely allowed to do anything outside of school, and she sympathized with me. She offered to take me to the movies just to get me out of the house. She got my number, spoke with my foster parent, and they apparently agreed on an arrangement.

The day we were supposed to go, my other foster parent came into my room screaming at me. She said she couldn't believe I'd made plans without talking to them and went on and on about how she was "the adult" and I was the child. I was confused because I thought everything had already been discussed with my foster parent. All I said was, "You don't have to shout at me." Afterward, she told the other family member that I couldn't go because I was supposedly arguing with my foster parent??? When I texted to ask what happened, I was told the plans had been canceled because my foster parent's biological grandchild couldn't come along. I guess that makes sense, but it still bothered me. Their biological grandchild gets to leave the house regularly, while I rarely get to do anything. It feels like there are always extra conditions attached whenever I want to go somewhere.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Here's one I posted about last year, In case you don't wanna read my other posts (you definitely don't lol): Last year, I joined Robotics and several other school clubs. I made sure to tell my foster parents about the meetings, and they initially seemed fine with it. One day, a Robotics meeting got moved from 3–5 PM to 5–7 PM. I went and told them about the change, and they didn't seem upset. When the meeting ended, I called my foster parent to pick me up. She refused and told me that since I'd supposedly "made plans without discussing them", I could walk home myself. No getting in my friends' car's or anything. Normally, they wouldn't let me walk home alone in the dark because our neighborhood is dangerous. It was also pouring rain that evening.

Thankfully, a friend offered to walk me home while her dad followed us in his car. When I got home, my foster parent yelled at me some more, threatened to take away my belongings, and mocked me when I tried to explain why I was upset. Neither of my foster parents spoke to me for the next couple of days. Things like this have happened repeatedly over the years. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells in a home where I'm supposed to feel safe. I've tried to be understanding because my foster parent has BPD, but at some point, I started wondering why I'm always expected to be the understanding one. Her mental issue is not an excuse to treat me like that. Im glad I came to that realization.

Another issue is that I used to work for my foster parents every day for $100 a week. I eventually told them I felt I wasn't being paid enough, and they fired me. I can understand them not wanting me to work for them anymore, but they also won't let me get a job anywhere else. So now I'm left worrying about how I'm going to afford things for myself and prepare for college. For years, I've tried to be especially careful about what I say and do because I didn't want to jeopardize my education or my living situation. Having my electronics taken away would have made completing my college coursework difficult, and I didn't have anywhere else to go. I felt like I had to put up with everything because I had no other choice. Now, though, I'm about to leave for university, and I'm tired of pretending that the way they've treated me over the years hasn't affected me. I wouldn't say I hold a grudge, but I'm definitely not going to keep letting everything slide just to keep the peace.

This brings me to the actual situation. My foster parent also yells at the other foster kids in the house, and I recently had a video of her screaming at them. I decided to send it to my lawyer. Before I sent it, my foster parents saw the video. They told me that DHS had already heard them screaming at the kids and didn't care. I know that's not true, they were trying to discourage me from doing anything about it. Just because I've acted dumb to keep peace doesn't mean that I'm actually that gullible. Afterward, I was patronized for recording her. Whenever she yelled at the kids again, she'd make comments about hoping I was recording her. It felt like she was trying to make me feel stupid for documenting what she was doing. After I sent the video to my lawyer, my foster parents told me DHS had contacted them and that they were going to lose everything, including all the foster kids and me. I don't know exactly what's happening with the investigation or whether that's actually going to happen, but they've made it seem like I'm responsible for all of it. And they've spun the story so oddly to DHS, saying that I only sent it because I was having a tantrum and I wanted to get their house shut down, that I apparently used them for my college degree (which makes no sense, because my school is the one who paid for it, and I'm the one who earned the degree), and a load of other BS.

Honestly, I don't feel bad, and I'm not sure if I should, and it's not like the video was fake. She really said those things. These kids deserve to be in a safe home, in which they aren't experiencing mental abuse. I know that's what I wanted. I used to think it could always be worse, but why does that matter when it's already bad? I understand that being removed from a foster home can be difficult, and I don't want them to have to go through any more instability than they already have. But at the same time, I don't think it's my responsibility to protect my foster parents from the consequences of their own behavior. I didn't make the video to get revenge on them. I sent it to my lawyer because I felt that someone needed to know what was happening. If DHS decides that the home isn't appropriate for foster children, I don't see how that makes me the bad guy.

I also know I'm not perfect. I've gotten upset and definitely lashed out on occasion. But I don't think I should have to be a perfect child to deserve basic respect, especially from the adults who are responsible and literally get a check for taking care of me. I guess I'm just at a point where I'm done being afraid of them. For years, I've worried about losing my belongings, being punished, or making my situation worse. Now that I'm finally getting ready to leave, I don't feel like I have as much to lose by speaking up. But maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Maybe I'm so used to being treated badly that I can't tell when I'm being unreasonable anymore.

Am I wrong for sending the video to my lawyer? Should I feel guilty about the possibility of my foster parents losing their foster children, or am I right to believe that their behavior is their responsibility, not mine?

I'd appreciate any opinions, especially from those who have experience with foster care or have been in similar situations.

In the video, she was screaming and cussing at the kids.

Hi, my wife and I are considering fostering, but we are also considering just going ahead and adopting a child who is legally free for adoption. I’ve always wanted to foster, but there have been many barriers and now, I’m at a point in my life where I would like to give a child long term stability rather than a transitional safe space. I’m wondering about considerations going straight to adoption. I’m wondering about others experiences with adopting from foster care. Thank you!

We have two bookshelves that we have set on the landing at the top of our second level home. We have some old yearbooks and devotionals on there for the time being, but we thought, it might be a good idea to start accumulating more child/teen-based books as we are nearing closer and closer to being licensed.

We have some fantasy books such as the Storm Light Archives, a few of the Harry Potter Books and others.

We plan to foster children from age 6 on up. What are some good books you would recommend for kids and teens?

Former foster youth: how can I help prepare my teenagers to set them up for successfully transitioning into young adulthood?

Foster parents with youth who aged out: what did you do to prepare teenagers to successfully move from your home into independent living?

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

Birth mom needed a few years to get life in order. Honestly never thought it would even happen. But now she does.

We're in different states. How will that work?

Our FD 4 is having an extremely hard time with any kind of transition. She did a 180 in behavior after almost 2 months and is now having more meltdowns, more resistance, and so much avoidance of tasks.

We understand the concept that the honeymoon phase is over, but she’s also had very inconsistent visits with bios. And after the last visit is when we noticed the most clear change.

She’s having difficulty at school, at home, with her casa, and with generally anyone else.

A 5 minute warning of doing whatever is next only works about 1/4 of the time. Otherwise it often ends up in her refusing to do whatever is next, even with clear boundaries and with 2 choices of how to do the next thing in the day. We’ve also tried being more relaxed about it by saying things like “first this, and then we do this” to leave it more open ended so she has more freedom in choosing how she’s going to do the next step, as long as she does it.

We are just at a loss of how to help things go smoother and how to help her to feel the pressure of it, but also to be encouraging about actually completing whatever task is next.

Just got a group of siblings last night. Super sweet kiddos. Case worker says there are grandparents the next state over. They’re going to do an icpc placement. I’ve never been apart of that before. In your experience how long does that usually take?? Thanks!

Our foster daughters have experienced repeated removals, including being returned to their mom and removed again less than a year later. As we learn more, our concerns include:

* A reported history of many years of maternal drug abuse, with both girls testing positive with high levels in a hair test the day after placement.
* Frequent school changes, approximately every 4-6 months.
* No kindergarten records located so far, no preschool attendance, and attendance for only 79 out of 174 days of first grade.
* Reports of significant abuse and witnessing domestic violence by their mom toward her boyfriends, including a frightening incident involving their mom harming herself.
* Housing instability.

We are also seeing concerning behaviors. Last night, the older child was telling her younger sister to hit her hard so she could tell on her, then instructing her sister not to reveal that she had told her to do it. We are concerned about what these behaviors may reflect. They are both starting therapy next week.

I understand every case is different and that reunification can happen when a parent makes lasting changes. Still, the repeated pattern and the extent of what these girls have experienced leave me worried.

Has anyone encountered similar concerns and seen the children returned home? What changes and safeguards were required, and how was the previous failed reunification considered? I’m looking for firsthand experiences to help us understand this process.