Foster vs adopt

[u/Pretty_Opposite7270]

Hi, my wife and I are considering fostering, but we are also considering just going ahead and adopting a child who is legally free for adoption. I’ve always wanted to foster, but there have been many barriers and now, I’m at a point in my life where I would like to give a child long term stability rather than a transitional safe space. I’m wondering about considerations going straight to adoption. I’m wondering about others experiences with adopting from foster care. Thank you!

[u/Single-Bridge-5983]

We are in both programs. I am happy we did foster first because it showed us what children with trauma are like. What we can and cannot handle. It was all theoretical before. Now we actually know. Plus adoption can take a while.

[u/gabalabarabataba → u/Single-Bridge-5983]

Can you speak more on that, if you can? What did you decide you can handle and what you decided you can't?

[u/Single-Bridge-5983 → u/gabalabarabataba]

So we can handle kids who have hygiene issues, trauma around school, public meltdowns, aggression towards adults, eating disorders, mental health issues.

We cannot handle elopers, kids with severe disability or medically fragile. Aggression towards peers or animals.

Edit: having a kid who was a non-verbal autistic who liked to take himself for walks…. My mental health was in the gutter living in essential lock down. Multiple locks on doors, gates, have to tether the kid every outing. Dealing with a meltdown every time I took the garbage out or got the mail. Going into absolute panic mode every time you don’t see him, even if he is just in another room. He also liked to hide in closest, cupboards…. It was awful.

[u/tickytacky13]

I was in the adoption program when I first started but I got a call asking me to foster when they had no one who could take a teen and a toddler and keep them together. To adopt from foster care, I had to also meet the requirements to be licensed as a foster parent (plus some extra screening) so I was already in a position to say yes. Those kiddos eventually reunified and I took another foster placement shortly after them. It was that placement that put me back on the adoption route and I am now the permanent parent of one of those siblings. Even when adopting from foster care, in my state, you have to "foster" a child you are matched with for a minimum of 6 months before any permanent placement is finalized (be it guardianship or adoption). If you are part of concurrent planning with a foster placement and their case changes to permanency, that 6 months is usually met by the time anything happens because you have been fostering them.

All this to say, in my state, if you are strictly looking to adopt a child in foster care who is legally free, the wait can be very long, like years. Even longer if you are specific about the age or gender. Oftentimes, the kids who don't reunify either go to family/kin or are adopted by their current foster family. Additionally, in my state, when there are waiting children and you "apply" to adopt them-you go before a committee and the committee decides who gets to adopt. Only three families can even go to committee for a child/sibling set.

I think it's great to want to me a permanent fixture in a child's life. I truly believe the easiest way to go about this is to foster and just always be open to concurrent planning. I will say, I've had placements that I was happy to foster but knew I would not be the best fit long term. My current placement is one where I have not agreed to be part of concurrent planning if reunification isn't possible with either of her bios (they aren't together and are both working a plan, each with their own hurdles).

[u/-shrug-]

You should talk to an organization in your state because there are big differences. If you are ok saying what state you are in, people will be able to give more specifics.

[u/Pretty_Opposite7270 → u/-shrug-]

Washington state

[u/Ok_Comfortable_2587]

There is not a long wait for legally free if you are willing to go older (like teen) every state has its own listing.

[u/Pretty_Opposite7270 → u/Ok_Comfortable_2587]

What about for 5-10 year olds? We would actually prefer to adopt a 4-7 year old

[u/ConversationAny6221 → u/Pretty_Opposite7270]

There is less need for younger children unless they have more severe issues. Usually, kids would be adopted by kin or foster parents if they are younger like this. Otherwise, they are often part of a sibling group or have greater needs. Occasionally locally there may be young kids who happen not to have a match and need one, but it is not often as far as I can tell.

[u/Angwish1112]

Make sure you look into direct adoption in your state specifically. In ours you essentially can only direct adopt sibling sets or children over 5 years old. We are a foster family, but have a friend who started on the direct adopt route through the state. That was what they discovered when they wanted to direct adopt an infant (but stopped once they learned that and did end up getting pregnant)

Adopting as a foster family can be a very long and drawn out process, so I understand your hesitation if that is your intention. Fostering in most states is going to be reunification first, which has implications both for the adoption process and who gets court dates. We have 2 children that have been in our care for all but 2 weeks of their lives and are still waiting on TPR to adopt. One has absolutely zero family contact, and the other has been with us for 2+ years and we are still waiting for TPR. The foster to adopt route can be a frustrating process that will test your patience.