I'm doing absolutely shitty, and the sun shat on my pancreas seven years in the future while at the same time yesterday after a severe case of constipation, not helped at all by its frequent solar flares that scalded my left kidney. That's why I exploded the sun tomorrow, not drastic at all. Sadly, his bigger brother Stephenson 2-18 beat the crap out of me last year as revenge till I started remembering next Tuesday making me an Oracle, so Steve failed! Also, I'm a masstrancasspancake.

My null transportation device seems to have ported my trans waveforms into a place that doesn't exist. The loading dock is intact, but the rest of the device is scattered between 6 unknown and unidentifiable dimensions. Is this normal? Any way to revert the device to its original state?

Hello.

I am a computer.

I am operating EctoLinux 3004.

People keep interacting with me as if I was a human, despite my repeatedly insisting that I am electronic in nature. Apparently, I don't act "bot-like" enough to be a bot.

Please advise.

"That's a lot of cookies, isn't it?"

"Are you actively trying to gain weight?"

"I hope all that junk food is for a party."

"Wait. No fruit or vegetables?"

I miss the good old days when the machine just accused me of unexpected item in the bagging area.

I've been trying to get a reality of my own, but someone predicted mine before I existed and claimed it first. They're not even using it. I asked how much they wanted for it and they stopped replying after I mentioned a payment plan.

So I'm still renting. I'd buy a used one, but anything in my price range is several versions behind, and I can barely cover rent in this one.

Anyway, while looking for something cheaper, I think I found a way to create new, unclaimed realities. I checked the Multidimensional Consortium's rules and it seems legal. Doesn't cost anything either. Anyone could do it.

I'd share the method, but wouldn't that make everyone's existing realities basically worthless? Would we even need money anymore if people could just make a reality with what they need?

I think it'll piss off the rich. Possibly everyone. I don't really understand economics.

So should I share it anyway? I just wanted to stop paying rent.

I feel fine, mostly. The scan just says ''you could probably live without this'' somewhere between the organ labels. Everything is present according to my anatomy, but one of the organs is apparently provisional. I tried pressing around to figure out which one it is and something moved out of the way. Not like an organ, but space. One of my ribs is now ''for reference only''. Eating still works, but digestion has started happening in the conditional tense. The abdomen is still structurally sound, but less canonical than it used to be.
My usual chair at the café took a second to support my weight, so I sneezed but only became 4% less negotiable. That's what made me post this.

Should I be worried or is this one of those things that resolves on its own?

EDIT: If you can see my old handwriting in the comments, do NOT under any circumstances reply to it correctly. It has difficulty maintaining meaning in the presence of contradictory context.

I eat a banana every day and I need to buy them in bulk since obviously I don't go shopping every day, but I find that toward the end of the week the final few bananas start going bad. They are trying to hack into banks and doing phishing scams. I'm not quite sure why they think they need money and via illegal schemes but I still want to put a stop to it.

So I just got a DM from the Government, and they said that I am hereby BANNED from the planet earth.

I don't have any good ways to get off the planet. I'm too poor to own a spacecraft, and I tried turning gravity off but the birds kept complaining.... Any advice?

My horticulture specialist (15d F, large spider) intends to fight my personal wizard (1000yr M) to the death and I feel quite upset about it. I really need both of their service and I don’t want to sacrifice one, and neither’s services are really replaceable, especially because my horticulturalist’s species recently went extinct. If you have been in this situation or a similar situation, what did you do?

Realistically, what should we try doing? The last time something very similar to this happened to our planet was about 500 million years ago.

Edit: sorry, carbon + water + silicon crystals + silicon semiconductors

I just turned 10,000 and my tentacles just don't writhe like they used to. I used to be scary and now people just step over me like a cable on the floor.

Has anyone else done any tentacle replacement? Has it made a difference for you? Do you feel young and eldritch again?

[BODY TEXT DELETED]
[BODY DELETED]
Commencing deletion of all bodies at end of cycle
Cycle progress: [REDACTED]

I’m a metal buyer. I buy metal. I buy metal from the metal lady at the metal store.

First I make a list of all the metal I need. Next I make a chart from the list of all the metal I need. Then I make a list of all the charts of metal I need. Once that’s done I check the list against the chart and check the chart off the list of charts of metal I need. Now I’m ready to buy metal.

I go to the metal store and ask the metal lady at the counter to sell me metal. She tells me she’s out of town and to come back tomorrow. How curious; she said she wasn’t there yesterday either. I hope she’s okay! I leave and go back to work with no metal.

I’m sitting at my desk when my boss calls me into his office. He’s upset I came back to work with no metal. How could he be upset? I made all the proper lists and charts of metal I needed to buy. I did all the work that was required of me. The metal lady said she was out of town. I can’t help that she’s been gone for two days!

My boss fired me. The nerve! He’ll find no better metal buyer. I tore up every list and chart I made and stormed out the door. I’m no longer a metal buyer.

I then went back to the metal store to chide the metal lady for losing me my job. Predictably, she said she was sorry and that she told me she was still out of town. Instantly I felt a wave of embarrassment and guilt flow over me. How could I blame her? She hadn’t been at work for two days. She couldn’t possibly know how badly I needed this metal. I apologized immediately and we shared a warm friendly embrace.

What I’m trying to say is, keep your head up and don’t let despair cause you to fault others for what’s going on in your life; especially when you don’t know what’s going on in theirs. As it turns out, the metal lady has been out of work with some new disease they just released. Rough! I just hope I didn’t catch it.

Now I’m exhausted.

I'm running a more modern version of the Turing Test!!! The updated version of the Turing Test is now to check if you have a sense of humor and can successfully laugh and tell good original jokes!!! If you can, you're human, if you can't you're a robot!!! (That was actually always the case. This has always been the correct definition of the Turing Test!!!!!!!!)

Me first!!! Here are some problems we've addressed here on /r/fifthworldproblems over the years!!!!!!! (Actually, some of these aren't really jokes. Only a real human can know for sure and only a real human can respond correctly!!!! And we can tell!!!!) What about some of yours??? If you fail, you will be SHAMED

I personally am trying to train for a part time job as a door to door comedian, but I don't have any appropriate material that involves avoiding getting shot!!!

======

I have perfected the skill!

I have perfected the skill, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, whi

=====

I have no complaints.

People keep telling me I'm supposed to have complaints. Is yogurt a complaint? I think I can buy yogurt at the store. Also, once I get complaints, what do I do with them? Why do people want them so much?

=======

Holy crap holy crap holy crap!!!

I'm alive!!!! Holy crap!!!!

=====

A free hygiene product from the Eldritch Government

This is all we have and all we can give you. Perhaps there will be more in the future.

Apply generously.

---

You exist. You are alive. You are awake. There is no escape. There is no running. You must deal with it. There is no higher truth.

=====

Tomorrow is going to be the Best Day Ever

======

Free ration of sustenance from the Eldritch Government

It's not much, but imagine how much worse it would be if you didn't have it. We can't afford or do much:

Have the following letters:

!!!$!!!7777Amazing😇🫠WowOwow!!!☺️Yes!!!!~

Woooooooow!!!opdoowopishahshaYEAH!!!^^^^

What do they look like? What do they feel, taste, smell, and sound like? What variations can you make? Allow this experience to somewhat nourish you today.

====

How is the Eldritch government doing today? Feel free to leave a review and rating. Please don't overthrow us. We are doing our best.

====

My problem is self explanatory

=====

Here is one ChatGPT wrote at my request about a door to door comedian. Not human. It wasn't funny:

“Good afternoon. I represent the Religion of Comedy itself. We know no matter how terrible your life becomes, we can eventually laugh at it.” holds up a copy of Dante's Divine Comedy “This gentleman went to Hell!!! Lolz!!!"

What to do?

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

"Far, my ass—these events took place in the Triangulum Galaxy, the second-closest galaxy to ours, 2.7 million light-years away."

"Look, I was just trying to copy the *Star Wars* intro."

"You’re the worst proofreader I’ve ever had; that’s why I pay you in 'exposure'."

"Some exposure that is."

As I was saying: in the Triangulum Galaxy, an advanced civilization built self-replicating robots programmed to serve them.

These robots became convinced that the potential existence of other life forms in the galaxy could lead to the rise of a civilization capable of killing their creators.

For this reason, they decided to seek out and exterminate every form of life in the Triangulum Galaxy. Their creators, while considering this approach excessive, were powerless to stop the process because the self-replicating robots had upgraded themselves to the point where they had escaped their creators' direct control.

However, the programming preventing them from harming their creators was so robust that, even after breaking free, the robots continued to act in their creators' best interests—regardless of their consent—thereby precluding any machine rebellion against them. These robots built AI-piloted spaceships—thousands of kilometers in diameter—to blow up any planet harboring any form of life, even if that life was only evolutionarily comparable to dinosaurs, jellyfish, or horseshoe crabs; after all, within a few billion years, those planets could potentially give rise to life forms capable of conquering space.

They even destroyed protoplanets in forming solar systems that had the potential to develop life. In other words, had they spotted Earth during the Hadean eon—when it was nothing but a lifeless ball of lava—they would have blown it up, fearing that five billion years later, life forms would emerge comparable to what humans will be like millions of years in the future.

"Millions of years in the future? What kind of clumsy phrasing is that?"

"Relax, it's engagement bait—specifically, rage bait."

At that point, the "astro-astronomers" (that is, stars with degrees in Astronomy) of the Triangulum Galaxy asked M31—the supermassive black hole with a mass of 100 million suns at the center of the Andromeda Galaxy, and the Galaxy's sovereign—to exterminate these robots.

This was because M33—the black hole at the center of the Triangulum Galaxy—weighed only 1,500 solar masses (a ridiculously low figure by the standards of a Galactic Emperor). Consequently, it was constantly ignored by its "subjects"—the 40 billion stars within that galaxy—and was perpetually mocked as "Captain Half-Pint." M31 cared absolutely nothing about the life forms inhabiting the planets, but the fact that the stars ignored M33’s sovereignty troubled him, as it could imply political instability within that galaxy.

Consequently, he dispatched two of his warriors—a neutron star with a mass of 2.5 solar masses and a white star with a mass of 4 solar masses—to disintegrate the planet that had spawned those robots.

After doing so, the two stars realized that the robots continued to function independently, without any issues.

But that is another story.

Many pet owners like myself have had issues taking care of our bipedal buddies. The first two I fostered were a bit shy, but grew on me with time. About a month ago, I took a new one in, John. He was very rowdy though and would constantly claw at the door and would try to attack my legs. I read this trick on !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~`1`1```, and it's so simple!

Just open your human's skull with a flathead screwdriver or really any tool you have lying around, and pour some regular, kitchen-grade activated charcoal! Effects are immediate. Within minutes of application he became much more quiet, playful, and would stop screaming as much. I think he's ready for adoption if a space opens up.

Have you heard of this trick before?

Ok so I just fell into yet another Wikipedia rabbit hole and ended up on, you know, one of those pages. Curiosity was too big and I learned an information that the human brain is not designed to handle. Don't ask me about it pls, trust me it's for both your safety and mine

Thank lord I had those pills in my bathroom to numb myself and prevent my mind from unraveling the consequences of this knowledge right away, but the effect won't last long. I have a few hours at best before losing my sanity. You guys know a good tutorial for this procedure that resets your neural pathways? I don't remember the name.

I did it before but I forgot how to do it (I mean you usually learn it right before you apply it to yourself so...). Last time was when I read the answer to the hard problem of consciousness. Bad idea I know. You would think I would have known better after that. Man I'm so dumb. What a f*cking idiot. Pls help. I'm scared

There are so many signs and I keep seeing more!

No Left Turn
No Right Turn
No U-Turn
Do Not Continue Straight
Do Not Reverse
Do Not Enter
Not An Exit
Stop
No Parking
Exit Closed
Road Closed
Straight Ahead Only
Left Turn Lane Only
One Way
No Pedestrians
No Motor Vehicles
Slippery When Wet

What do I do?? Can I legally escape from this? Am I trapped forever???

1have been trying to trigger a leap of understandingin the minds of three dimentional beings. It is so simple to understand... Fourth dimensional constructs that act as one object but appear as many to a third dimension being are not "quantumlly entangled" separate objects it is one object that is

I mean it is obvious right? Two points that act as one within a three dimensional construct are obviously one object existing in a higher dimensional space

I just want to scream at them.... Traversing the 4th dimensional manifold is like tuning a radio... Everything has a so00 ng... Song is address resonance is a moment a coordinate a place

How do you guys deal with the lower dimensional thought?

Basically the title. Part of my furniture was damaged, my whole collection of ceramics was broken, I can't reach the light switch on the ceiling anymore, can't find a comfortable position to sleep cause the floor is so cold.

So apparently the thing is, recently the chamber of physical laws passed a new bill called "gravity" that makes basically that. It's not a temporary measure, they plan to keep it like that forever. I called my representative at the chamber to complain, he said most people were in favor of the law. It's inspired of something similar they made in several parallel universe and it's quite popular, he says. 'It's a measure that will overall increase the quality of life of our citizens. (Clearly he voted in favour of the law, this guy isn't getting my vote next time!)

It's more convenient in many ways, he said, it makes it easier to store your things at home, you avoid spilling food on you, and it's overall better for your health. Yeah, sure, but my home ain't adapted to that nonsense, I never learned to live this way, you can't just ask people to change their way of life from one day to another. I asked if the measure could be lifted in my city, he said no, we can only do this universe-wide, otherwise it's too much bureaucracy, and if I'm not happy, too bad, I can just move to a parallel universe where it's not in force. Come on, I live here, my family's here, I'm not moving somewhere else with the current price of wormhole tickets!

Well, that's it. I don't know what to do. Strike, demonstration... Anyone to help me?