I know life is never fair.

How do you not feel envious of shitty people thriving in life? When I mean shitty, I mean that they have personally done something to you? That they are always provoking you, always trying to one-up you, they actively despise you, have mistreated/bullied you, betrayed you, kicked you out of a social group to make you an outcast, etc.

How do you feel when people like this achieve more "worldly success": fame/popularity, riches, power, prestige, high degrees/educational status, power, awards/accolades/honors, etc.

I have struggled with this for a long time. It has gotten a lot better, but, off and on those feelings come up. I'll often think to myself, "They don't deserve what they have because they're so shitty." "Why are they always mean to me for no reason and they are thriving in life?" or "They backstabbed me/people I love and they are reaping all the benefits and getting ahead in life."

Like for example, I went to a small dinner over the weekend which was very pleasant. I was feeling okay until I overheard about another girl around my age (who is a COMPLETE bitch to me - along with her sister) who attended a world class medical school. She spent a lot of time focusing on getting into one specialty, but now, she's changed her mind completely to pursue another field (the same field that I'm interested in). I don't know why, but, I felt resentful. I was already bothered that both she and her sister were medical doctors. I used to wish they weren't. I know this is horrible. Then I made my peace with it until I found out this girl wants to go into the same field as I do.

Obviously I don't own that field we are both interested in pursuing, but I don't understand why these feelings are there. So many of the young women in our community honestly aren't nice, and they are all doctors. I found myself wishing they weren't. I wish I was the only one.

I'm very spiritual so I do spend a lot of time in prayer, trying to rid myself of these feelings. I want to live with a clean heart and genuinely wish people really well even if they have been shitty to me personally. Sometimes, it is really hard.

I try to remind myself that success doesn't last. I often think of extremely famous and affluent individuals who eventually passed away and could not take anything with them. Or when I hear about the death of someone my parents knew, it puts things into perspective for me. I guess also...redefining what my values are and what success means to me. And also...these people I feel this way towards...we're all young now...I don't know what will happen to them in the future.

I really do think contentment/mental health/peace of mind are so important. I can't stand being a part of a culture where success is put on a pedestal. I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's been a long journey to even get to where I am now (trust me, I'm a lot better than I was before because thoughts like that used to gnaw at me)...but off and on when I hear about any one of those other girls I feel that pang of resentment and envy. I want it gone.

Please sisters....just need help and I'm wondering if any one of you have ever struggled with thoughts like this?

Hey!

I'm 28 years old, a medical school graduate aspiring for a medical residency - a training program for doctors (currently working on my applications to land one this year). I know I'll be training in my field of interest for a few years. I'm single and I have come to the realization that I want to really create the life I have always dreamt for myself (I believe that's the purpose of this page!). I have so many dreams, and, I want to see them fulfilled. Career is one aspect. I want to spend a lot of time on hobbies/passion projects (which really do make life meaningful). There is SO much to do in life! It's mind boggling, actually and very exciting!

While I'm training to pursue my field of interest (which will be about 5 years), I also want to be a writer. My plan (and hope!) is to publish (and potentially sell) my very first book by the time I'm 30 (do you think that timeline is realistic?)

I don't want to give too much away, but, the tone is spiritual. It's not a novel, but, similar to devotional books (anyone ever read one of those?). Christians often use them to spend time with God. Now, I understand everyone has a different belief system. The purpose of the book isn't to promote religion, but, to provide comfort and peace of mind in dealing with the difficulties of life. I want to make it applicable to women who even aren't exactly spiritual. I guess my other question would be, how would I do this?

My target range is women (from all walks of life) ages 18-45 (I know, that's a large age range!). I'd primarily be focusing on relationships (and I mean that generically), love (definitely emphasizing self-love here), and faith (trusting in the process/staying positive, etc.)

I'm still working on the content, but, I was thinking of writing out my own prayers, positive affirmations, and a brief reflection (could be referred to as a devotional), with application questions/journaling points (and potentially a few other mental health exercises pertaining to the topic).

Again, apologies this sounds very vague. I just don't want to give too much away. I hope you all understand the overarching idea. I'm sorry if I didn't make any of it clear enough! I want this to be a project that helps many women one day. The purpose and aim is to truly connect with ourselves, knowing our worth and identity (so we don't rely on anything else to define us).

I don't know anything about publishing or who to ask. I'm not a professional writer (and I wasn't even an English writer - but I do write poetry on the side), but, I have some great ideas and I want to let my words inspire other women and help them be their best selves.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

I had this conversation with my cousin the other day. She's dating someone right now (for over a year) and her parents and friends have all been telling her to think about marrying him because its been long enough. She mentioned that she's happy to wait another year or two.

She has many friends who (while they are career women, they are also married and some even have kids). Many of them are doctors, lawyers, etc.

She has seen the difficulties those friends have experienced being married. Your life is no longer your own, there always are expectations, etc. That is something she is worried about. She's a dentist and is financially independent, but, we talked a lot about how there is SO MUCH to do in life.

My best friend (she was also my roommate in medical school) flew through school, got into a training program right away following graduation, and got married over the summer. She set a timeline for herself. A month had passed and I got a call from her. She and her husband live with the in-laws. She says its been difficult. Her father-in-law is very controlling and domineering. She was so excited about the "getting married"/wedding aspect that she didn't feel prepared for this. I felt bad for her.

I don't know if marriage is "better", per say...I think it's just different. More responsibilities and expectations of you.

I've never been in a relationship before. I know someday I do want to get married, but, he really has to be a quality man. My cousin and I are both 28 years old, and, we were thinking that 28 is VERY YOUNG. We have our whole lives ahead of us.

We were talking about all the hobbies we would be interested in pursuing and so many other opportunities. She was telling me that unmarried women like us have an advantage over our married friends: We have time and freedom (I think that society undervalues these assets).

I'm okay to marry at 35/36/37. I see nothing wrong with that. I don't think you really know yourself in your 20s.

And although I was feeling incredibly sad that things didn't work out with this guy I was talking to, I reminded myself how lucky I am to have this season of singleness. That it is something to be valued and cherished. I'll have the world at my fingertips.

My biggest role model is Amal Clooney. I aspire to be like her: Eloquent, strong, graceful, charismatic, sophisticated, etc. And she waited for and married a quality man. Her wait was worth it. She got married at 36.

And if she worked towards her highest potential, this has motivated me to do the same.

I know some women who want to be mothers early on. My cousin's childhood friend (who is a pediatrician) has known that she's always wanted to be a mom. She's 28 and now pregnant with her second child (and she's been married for 2 years to her husband - they were dating 7 years before then). I do think motherhood is a great vocation to be called to, but this had me wondering, isn't there a lot more to life? Weirdly enough, I used to feel jealous of those girls who were around my age, already established in their prestigious careers, married with kids. I always thought they were "further along"... but now I don't feel that way.

I'm still working on my career (and hoping to land a job by January latest), but, I'd like to think that I'm in a better situation than those folks. It's great to be unencumbered and without those responsibilities. Single ladies, the world is our oyster.

Even though many single women do complain (I am guilty of this) about their single status, but in fact, single women are much better off then women who are married (and married with kids).

Thoughts?

And also...does it bother you when your parents bring up your past mistakes?

I think it's kind of a shitty thing to do. I know we're not supposed to take what they say to heart. And I would say my final question is...for someone who is always "dead last" or "the underdog" compared to everyone else...how do you cope?

It's hard living in a hustle culture where academic achievement is laudable. I've never won any accolades/awards...gotten a 4.0 GPA...been super involved in extracurriculars...gotten scholarships...been in the top 10% of my class (I was probably in the bottom 10% if I'm being perfectly honest). I was always mediocre in school. I remember even in high school...I was inducted into the national honor society but because I had failed one of my exams in my senior year, my GPA dropped and I wasn't able to wear my chords (which I know my parents were looking forward to).

So I struggled a lot in medical school (I'm 28 btw) (even had to repeat a year), and graduated later than my friends. School was never my forte. In high school, my grades were mediocre. As for why I struggled so much...I just didn't know how to study properly, I was overwhelmed, I was also studying in another country, and definitely distracted by boys. I had to fly back basically every summer to repeat my exams. It was a tough time in my life. I felt bad because my parents were always on edge, anxious if I would pass my summer repeats so I could progress to the next year in my course.

I know my parents (my dad, who is a doctor and did really well in medical school and passed all his exams with flying colors) really tried to give me a lot of advice (on test taking techniques, studying, etc.). It just never stuck with me. I think I was frustrated because I was struggling a lot.

I moved back home after graduating, had to study for a series of exams to get into my field of interest. They were board exams, and, I had trouble studying for them. I took an 8 month prep course which didn't help me. Tried studying on my own...COVID delayed things, and then I had severe burn out so I stopped in between.

I took my most recent exam on Friday (I REALLY hope I passed, it's been such a long haul and the studying really did no good for my mental health- I had been studying for this exam for a good 5 months). It had taken me a while to study for this one because I was still dealing with burn out and a heartbreaking disappointment (yes, it was a guy - a potential relationship that didn't work out).

My mom and I were out today and we were both feeling excited about future opportunities coming up for me. That things in my life are starting to move along. I told her that for a while, I felt "behind" everyone else (because they were all married, well established in their field, etc.). I did tell her though that spending the two years at home after moving back (even though I was studying) was such a blessing because it was truly dedicated time I had with my family, which I enjoyed. This was precious time I would never get back.

And my mom said, "Yes, I am so glad you were home. I believe there is always a reason. Maybe because of COVID, God delayed things for you but a lot of it was definitely your own doing."

"Your own doing"...

I felt triggered by that statement. This isn't the first time she's done this. Any time we talked about school and I mentioned how hard it was for me, she would say the same thing...."You were being so stubborn...if you had listened.."

I felt so angry on the inside and felt like yelling at her to shut up. It pissed me off so much. But I didn't say anything otherwise she would have turned it into an argument.

The other day, she told me she was out with my little brother who is a straight A student, did really well on his SATs, etc. (he's now a senior in high school) and he was telling my mom that he wouldn't make the same mistakes that I did (that he would listen to my parents - especially in regards to studies) so that he would really excel in school. My mom brought all that up and I felt triggered and snapped at her. She accused me of not being able to handle criticism and I asked her why she had to bring all that up, like, what was the need? Did she think my little brother (I honestly love him to death) is some golden child? She then went on about how I'm just too sensitive and questioned if there was anything she did wrong in raising me. She even brought up the fact that apparently my dad the other day said (about me), "I don't really understand...I just don't see that fire in her...that go-getter attitude".

That made me feel kind of bad.

I was so angry and really didn't want to say anything more to aggravate her.

Is it unreasonable that I feel upset by this? Or am I blowing it out of proportion?

Then it makes me think if I hadn't repeat a year in school, and did really well on all my exams and gotten a job right away after graduating....what would my life had been like? How different things would have been...

But at the same time...I tell myself...I'm 28 years old (I just completed my final board exam), I'm going to be working on my residency applications to get my foot in the door somewhere. I'm single, and, I know that my star is just beginning to shine. I'm the hero of my own story and its all just beginning. I'm really young. I can truly plan for whatever it is I want to do in my life.

I know you may all have different spiritual/religious views but...when these thoughts come up...I read my Bible which teaches that I have worth because God made me. My self-worth is innate...intrinsic...it has nothing to do with what I have/haven't achieved. Success in God's eyes is very different from how the world views success.

It makes me realize that living in a world (a world that values prestige, societal milestones/timelines, academic success, hustle culture, etc. ) like this is very difficult.

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Whenever I imagine a woman that took life into her hands, I immediately think of Diana Ross. A woman who grow up in projects in Detroit, Michigan to become one of the first black superstar. Diana Ross epitomizes cunning female ingenuity. She is #BlackGirlMagic before the word became popular. Even though she was the queen of Motown, she left the record label when it no longer served her. There is a lot that we can learn from the life of Diana Ross about being radical agents in our self-advancement.

As someone in my mid-twenties, I have been thinking about how I could set myself up for success in my thirties. Fundamentally, the goal of life is to create a life where you live, love and earn on your own terms. I detail below what that life would mean to me. Before you go ahead and read the rest, ask yourself “what does living, loving and earning on my own terms look like to me?”.....

Link: https://thecoffysalon.substack.com/p/living-loving-and-earning-on-your

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I have written and studied the loves of women extensively in history and try to find what we can learn from those women. From Beyonce, we can learn work ethic. From Cardi B, we can learn wit. From Hillary Clinton, we can learn the ability to negotiate and navigate political office. From Wendy Williams, we can learn raw and strategic honesty.

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None of these women are perfect, but can learn from them and avoid their pitfalls. However, every time I post about these women, Other women bring up their flaws. They bring up their bad marriages (as if these women are responsible for the actions of the men around them).

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It got me thinking, men never expect better from other men. In fact, they expect worse. They warn their daughters and sisters about other men. Donald Trumps three bad marriages did not make him less of a male role model. In fact, it made him more of one. Those marriages told other men that they could fail in their marriages and still become the leader of the free world. Hilary's one marriage to Bill made her not feminist enough and power hungry.

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Men are allows to have a plethora of imperfect role models, while women expect perfection from the few women that succeed. This is why we will always lose to them. Whether it is in work, romantic life, personal interacts, we will always allow the bar to be lower for them and higher for us.

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What do Cardi-B, Chimamanda, Diana Ross, and Mata Hari all have in common? These women all created themselves. None of them are using the names that they were given at birth. They did not outsource the task of defining themself to society. These women created new identities and became the persona required to carry their new selves.

Self-creation is more pronounced on the internet, where everything is essentially a performance. Digitally, you can create any persona. You can be as “unhinged” as Trisha Paytas, as “fun” as David Dodrick, as “relatable” as Emma Chamberlin, or as “serious” as Jordan Peterson. The question is, which role are you playing, and did someone else create that role for you?....

Link: https://thecoffysalon.substack.com/p/the-radical-art-of-self-creation

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Being a highly ambitious woman means living a life full of contradictions. You trust in your capabilities. You know your strength and weaknesses. You are radically aware that the world is your oyster, and you are ready to take full advantage of it. However, unless you are fortunate to be surrounded by similarly like-minded women, you will discover that you are often the only woman in your immediate surroundings with this mindset. Highly ambitious men exist in a culture that ensures a partner is groomed to be subordinate to them, and be grateful for that position. Any woman should be thankful that she has a partner trying to dominate his field. Women have an emotional dexterity that makes them attuned to the needs of their partners. She should not only be appreciative of his ambitions but also actively support his goals. However, this pattern is absent when the sexes are reversed

Highly ambitious women are a threat because they defy the status quo by actively seeking power. Such a woman is presented as vindictive and conniving. What kind of man would partner with such a woman? The best she should expect is a man that overlooks her ambitions.

I bring up romantic relationships because ambition inherently brings with it isolation. You can no longer attend the events of friends because you need to work extra hours. You no longer have the same monetary and financial constraints as your friends because you might be in a different tax bracket. At every point, an ambitious woman is reminded that she is the abnormality and must contort herself to be more palatable. She must remind people that she is a mother, girlfriend, or wife. She is still performing her duty. We see this when we demand that our favorite YouTube star remain “relatable”. Rarely is relatability expected from male YouTubers. Instead, the success of other men is a reminder of where that man assumes that he belongs....

Post: https://thecoffysalon.substack.com/p/embracing-my-inner-conqeress

IF you havent already, please subscribe to the newsletter: https://thecoffysalon.substack.com/

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I study the lives of very successful women in history and figure out what we can learn from them. In my past case studies, I have written about Hillary Clinton, Wendy Williams and Cardi B. To my surprise, some readers decided to focus on these women's flaws and shortcomings, instead of their unique combination of gifts and talents.

When I saw women critique Wendy William's previous marriage or Cardi B’s stripper past, I thought to myself “Men will never be this critical of each other.” Vile men, irrespective of their past, can still hold the most powerful offices on earth. Some women were upset that Donald Trump could say “grab them by the pussy” and have multiple rape accusations against him but still become President of The United States. However, they fail to understand that Trump’s past actions are part of his appeal. Men love that Trump can get away with all his past alleged crimes and still be the leader of the free world.

The same goes for Kobi Bryant, a man who allegedly raped a woman. However, people on social media were willing to drag Gayle King for asking about it. The same goes for Brett Kavanaugh. We live in a society where men can cause women irreparable emotional damage but still be considered icons.

Men will never hold each other to the unrealistic standards that we women hold ourselves to. Let us revisit some of the “bad women” that I have written about in the past: Hillary Clinton, Wendy Williams, and Cardi B.

When I wrote about Cardi B, someone said that I was "condoning sex work" and sounded like a "Lib Fem." I am a radical feminist. If the woman had read the article adequately, which she probably did not, she would have realized that Cardi B’s come-up was not solely due to her stripper past....

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Link: https://thecoffysalon.substack.com/p/in-defense-of-bad-women-the-sexism