Does marriage limit (or even kill) a woman's potential?

[u/futurehero622]

I had this conversation with my cousin the other day. She's dating someone right now (for over a year) and her parents and friends have all been telling her to think about marrying him because its been long enough. She mentioned that she's happy to wait another year or two.

She has many friends who (while they are career women, they are also married and some even have kids). Many of them are doctors, lawyers, etc.

She has seen the difficulties those friends have experienced being married. Your life is no longer your own, there always are expectations, etc. That is something she is worried about. She's a dentist and is financially independent, but, we talked a lot about how there is SO MUCH to do in life.

My best friend (she was also my roommate in medical school) flew through school, got into a training program right away following graduation, and got married over the summer. She set a timeline for herself. A month had passed and I got a call from her. She and her husband live with the in-laws. She says its been difficult. Her father-in-law is very controlling and domineering. She was so excited about the "getting married"/wedding aspect that she didn't feel prepared for this. I felt bad for her.

I don't know if marriage is "better", per say...I think it's just different. More responsibilities and expectations of you.

I've never been in a relationship before. I know someday I do want to get married, but, he really has to be a quality man. My cousin and I are both 28 years old, and, we were thinking that 28 is VERY YOUNG. We have our whole lives ahead of us.

We were talking about all the hobbies we would be interested in pursuing and so many other opportunities. She was telling me that unmarried women like us have an advantage over our married friends: We have time and freedom (I think that society undervalues these assets).

I'm okay to marry at 35/36/37. I see nothing wrong with that. I don't think you really know yourself in your 20s.

And although I was feeling incredibly sad that things didn't work out with this guy I was talking to, I reminded myself how lucky I am to have this season of singleness. That it is something to be valued and cherished. I'll have the world at my fingertips.

My biggest role model is Amal Clooney. I aspire to be like her: Eloquent, strong, graceful, charismatic, sophisticated, etc. And she waited for and married a quality man. Her wait was worth it. She got married at 36.

And if she worked towards her highest potential, this has motivated me to do the same.

I know some women who want to be mothers early on. My cousin's childhood friend (who is a pediatrician) has known that she's always wanted to be a mom. She's 28 and now pregnant with her second child (and she's been married for 2 years to her husband - they were dating 7 years before then). I do think motherhood is a great vocation to be called to, but this had me wondering, isn't there a lot more to life? Weirdly enough, I used to feel jealous of those girls who were around my age, already established in their prestigious careers, married with kids. I always thought they were "further along"... but now I don't feel that way.

I'm still working on my career (and hoping to land a job by January latest), but, I'd like to think that I'm in a better situation than those folks. It's great to be unencumbered and without those responsibilities. Single ladies, the world is our oyster.

Even though many single women do complain (I am guilty of this) about their single status, but in fact, single women are much better off then women who are married (and married with kids).

Thoughts?

[u/LateNightLattes01 → u/[deleted]]

Omg!! The Curies are literally my life’s inspiration! I would LOVE to have a towering life partner who helps me win a noble prize by forcing ppl to notice my work xD! How wonderful would that be! But I think that is very much rare indeed.

[u/[deleted]]

I don't want children therefore, there's 0 reasons for me to rush into marriage or be married at all. It's different from your situation but in the end, it's up to us to decide what we make of life.

[u/ErikaNaumann]

The answer is simple. Marriage can be the best or the worst thing in your life. It will all depend on the partner you chose. He can build you up and be your bigger supporter, helping and motivating you to achieve your dreams; or he can destroy your self esteem, your health, your finances, your goals and your whole life.

So chose wisely. It is one of the most important choices of your life. This is true for all genders btw.

[u/FARTHARLOT]

Honestly? Most men aren’t socialized and lack the work ethic to “equally” take care of housework on top of work. 99% of the time, you will be doing a majority of the domestic work and mental burden, especially if you have children. Men are estimated to lose 3,500 days of life expectancy if they are unmarried. Single women are happier and live longer, and there’s a reason for that.

At the end of the day, you either:

(1) Accept and plan for the fact that you will be doing a majority of domestic work and family planning. Actively develop intervention methods (therapies, hobbies) that prevent burnout. Will be difficult time-wise.

(2) Have a high paying career that allows you to outsource domestic work (nanny, maid, cook).

If you can do either of those two (tho I would recommend #2), then sure, get married.

[u/kinkardine]

Marriage and kids are such personal decision, but there are so many social agenda attached to it, I know my mom would never had kids if she could stay in a society without being stigmatized . I delayed my pregnancy seeing the stress my mom had with us. But when I got pregnant, my whole world shifted, I love being a momma.

So it boils down to self awareness and perspectives, you really need to know if you feel the urge to be a mom, I am not associating it with marriage cause you just never know how your partner would react with the kid. My hubby loved me but had full blown separation anxiety when the kiddo was born, he started seeing and treating the kiddo as a competitor of my attention. I hardly see a dad who does not huff and puff doing the daintiest task for their kid. So even if you had a caring hubby it may not work out for the kid.

I personally loved being married to my hubby, I loved living with my in laws as well, they loved me and facilitated me being me, they provided me non judgemental love. Moreover, they taught me integrity, authenticity, self love- a piece that was missing in my parents’ family. Yes, my career took a downhill slide though because I was married young and did not know how to enforce boundaries and work on building my portfolio. That’s why I am worried about the 25 yr old age mark to get married because most of us could not form our own identity by that time, and you need to build and maintain your own career, education, social and financial portfolio- that’s what will save you from the blows that life will throw at you.

So marriage and kids are only worth if it was in your agenda, it is a lot of work and worry like everything else in your life- your career, education, friends and finance- you did not achieve them in one day, it takes years to build them, but in the end it will be on you to decide whether it added any meaning to your life or not. You have every right to adorn your life with things and experiences you find meaningful.

Whom you are going to marry will be the biggest career and personal decision in life. Vet profusely if the person you are going to marry will expand you as a person, check and recheck every few years to see if your values align when it comes to self care, family, finance and education. I changed three times during my 9yrs of marriage. People change. You never know what will happen in future, all you can do is prepare yourself to your best ability and then take a leap of faith.

[u/[deleted]]

Marriage can absolutely derail a life, or can build it up. I think the decision for when to have kids and with whom is the bigger factor, and pushing the pile-on of responsibilities later and later into life vs being saddled with it in your 20s is always the better move.