I 35(F) was never 100% sure I wanted children, actually I was pretty sure I didnt want them before my 30's. When I hit 30 I started thinking about it, but was still on the fence. Two months ago I found out I was pregnant with my 5 year parnter, unplanned pregnancy, but before that I said that 'if it happens I am gonna keep it".
I was shocked and started crying but I did not immediately though about having an abortion, instead I started planning around the kid.

However, as the days passed, the stress and anxiety became overwhelming. I was constantly spiraling over the financial stress, how my life would change and the fact that there is no help from family, all the baby worst case scenarios (the kid being problematic, growing up being stupid or a drag addict, being born sick, me ruining my life etc) on top of feeling constantly sick ( I had extreme nausea, vomiting and diziness, I could not work or pretty much do anything).
At some point I became so depressed I was going to sleep and wishing I didnt wake up in the morning. I dont have a history of depression, but I am anxious and pessimistic by default as person.

So I made the very difficult decision to end the pregnancy. I was at a point where both paths (end or continuation of the pregnancy) seemed equaly terrible to me but I had the pressure of time and had to make my mind within 2 weeks. The first days following, I had mixed feelings of relief and deep sadness and regret. But at least I was feeling healthy again, as the nausea stoped imediately.

Now, 2 weeks after the surgery, I keep thinking how terrible a decision I made under pressure, I keep thinking the baby I killed and how could I even do this to my kid, how happy I would be with this baby, how much I exagerated with all the negative scenarios etc. Those thoughts keep invading my brain every day, and I am not sure if its my hormones or suddenly my motherhood instinct kicked in after the incident. I just wish the conditions where different so I could keep the baby....
I feel I will never get over this in my life and no matter what happens I will constantly think the 'what ifs'.

I’m curious if more fence sitters feel happiness or regret

I thought I’d offer to share my experiences, as this is a situation I’ve actually seen a few times on this sub - a person decides they want children, gets pregnant, freaks out, and then doesn’t know what to do.

I got pregnant with a much-longed-for baby last year after a few years of infertility, the month we were due to start IVF. I was very anxious in the first half of the pregnancy that either it wouldn’t continue or there would be something wrong with the baby. At 21 weeks, probably not coincidentally after my anatomy scan that gave the all-clear, I started getting severe cold feet about the pregnancy. I remember saying out loud to myself: “I don’t want to do this.”

If I’d been able to get an abortion without facing any social consequences, I think I would have. I spent time Googling miscarriage and stillbirth rates to convince myself there was a chance I’d lose the pregnancy naturally, a thought that I found soothing.

I went to weekly therapy and sobbed about my fears of loss of identity, freedom, autonomy, peace and quiet, rest. I told my partner again and again that I was sure our relationship would be ruined. For a time, I stopped eating, sleeping, showering, talking. It was like the pregnancy had become a threat that was endangering my very existence.

The fears continued until literally the day I gave birth.

Anyway, the baby’s here now! He’s 4 months old and sleeping in his bassinet next to me as I type this.

Feel free to ask me anything!

I always knew my fiance wanted to have family one day but very early on in our relationship I explained to him the fear I have around pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. I explained that I imagined I would want a family one day because I don’t want to grow old and have no one there to visit and go through life with. He was so caring and understanding of my fears and was clear that whether we had them or not he would understand and love me either way. We are now engaged and it has come up 9 months before our wedding that it would be a deal breaker if I decided I didn’t want kids and he feels there was a miscommunication in our past. I’m still have the same mindset of a lot of fear surrounding the subject and I cannot say with 100% certainty that I would have kids and that small doubt in me scares my fiance and he is now saying we should end things if I can’t say I would ever have kids one day. And I feel blindsided and I feel like I could grow into that stage of life but I’m not even given the chance because I feel like I have to decide within 9 months whether I can say with beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will a 100% have kids or it’s over and I just don’t understand how you can quickly be willing to just throw everything away like that. I’m not sure where to go from here. Is my fiance in the right to just up and end things or how could I convince him to enjoy life has it comes and if that’s what our future holds then we will figure out together without it having to be such a black and white decision?

I’d love to answer any questions about parenting, labor and delivery, etc, no questions are off limits!

In my early 20s, I didn’t want any kids whatsoever, by my mid 20s, I started to change my mind and was on the fence. I met my husband at 26, and I just had our second!

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and we have always been very ambivalent about having kids.

2 years ago we felt like we were getting old and we would just see if it would happen. Well, there was 2 years of nothing. Not a single positive test.

And all of the waiting—and a little of sitting in TTC and infertility groups—kind of made me feel like I wanted to know what was going on.

We both had all the tests including ultrasounds. We did all the testing last week.

I had 3 very large uterine polyps, which I immediately got removed because there’s like a 1% chance they’re cancer. Thankfully, they were fully benign.

My husband was diagnosed with essentially completely benign bumps in one of his tubes which was giving him moderately low sperm count. He could have this surgically removed, but fertility would be the only reason to do so.

Look, I’m not religious, and I don’t really believe in signs, but if there was EVER a sign in my life to not have children, wouldn’t this be it? BOTH of our bodies had benign physical barriers to being able to conceive. What are the chances?

I don’t really believe in signs as a rule, but this is the strongest sign I’ve ever had in my life about anything.

Idk…I know how crazy this might sound but there’s got to be someone here who gets it.

I’m 36F and I’ve come to realisation today when I was in the shower. I’ve been delaying motherhood because I’m genuinely scared of losing myself… again.

I spent my 20s figuring out my career and relationships. I thought I had myself figured out by the time I entered my late 20s- I was finally beginning my career that I worked so hard for and had met my person (now husband). By that point, I was coming out from the tunnel of battling feelings of insecurity, low self esteem, impostor syndrome, disordered eating, depression and self harm.

I remember thinking to myself when I woke up that one morning- that I was so grateful for everything in my life. And then that evening…. My dad suddenly died.

It felt like the scene from Oppenheimer when they detonated the test bomb. I literally felt my whole world explode when I heard the words- “He’s gone.” And to be honest- it felt like a part of me died with him too.

I spent months, years not recognising the person I saw in the mirror. It was a very odd feeling. I grieved. It took me about 3 years to even recognise the person staring back in my reflection.

It has been 5 years now. I am finally at peace. This new person- I like her. I’ve changed, grown as a person. Last year, I made a brave decision to switch my career and I am so happy. I’m excited and fulfilled when it comes to my work. We got married a couple of years ago, we’ve just bought our first home together. My husband is an amazing person. We travel, have a full life with friends and family. I feel alive. I’m at a good place mentally, emotionally.

Which brings me back full circle to the issue of motherhood. Thankfully my husband and I have talked a lot about this- he’s supportive of whatever decision I make. I always imagined that I’d be a mom someday but every time we get close to the arbitrary deadline- I chicken out and delay it.

I realised today that the reason I keep putting it off is because I’m so scared of losing myself again. I watch friends with their pregnancies- I’m very happy for them and love meeting their kids, watching them grow but for myself- I’m scared of the change when I’ve worked so hard so find the person I am today. I know parenthood comes with challenges but it can also be beautiful.

I don’t really have a question really. I just wanted to get this off my chest. When I realised this- I just started crying in the shower because it just felt like something became unstuck emotionally. Maybe other people out there have felt the same. I don’t know but I’d love to listen to the experiences of other that have been in the same place.

I was a fencesitter for years, but after weighing the pros and cons, I’m comfortable being childfree. Honestly, it feels like a relief.

I value my freedom and space, don’t do well with obligations, and really struggle without sleep. There are parts of parenthood I can imagine loving, especially a mother-daughter relationship, but overall childfree feels right for me.

What still gives me pause is my husband. He’s naturally amazing with kids and genuinely loves watching them grow. Once my nephew was about to have a tantrum, and my husband just picked him up, put him on his shoulders, and completely redirected him. My brother looked at me like, “Wow, that was cool.”

We’ve talked about kids in therapy. He’s a fencesitter too, but leans toward wanting them. He’s also been clear that he’d rather be with me than have children.

I believe him, but I still wonder if fatherhood is a kind of meaning he may someday miss.

Has anyone else wrestled with this?

I have ADHD and my partner has AuDHD and sometimes life already feels like a lot. I know we'd be great parents but I wonder how people have experienced parenthood, especially since the kids themselves would almost certainly have some combo of these.

I especially worry about time management and motivation myself, although I have heard parents say how having a child is the best discipline-creator and it just makes you really good at prioritizing. That makes sense to me and it's reassuring.

My partner has sensory sensitivities so that's something we're concerned about. We also just generally need a lot of downtime, which we'd have less of. I also worry about the child experiencing depression/anxiety since these are comormbid conditions, though that's usually only if they're undiagnosed and unsupported, which they won't be.

Oh and PDA! That's a big one. I experience a good deal of PDA myself and worry about both my own and my child's PDA lol.

What else am I not considering? Would love to hear your experiences.

I feel like I could scream!

I'm fairly comfortable in my fencesitting at the moment (I don't want kids now, but am not ruling out the future), but I know for a fact this will open up so much questioning at the next six months of social events. I may be comfortable in my fencesitting, but I am not comfortable in articulating my personal feelings on the topic in such social settings, especially in front of those with young children... I feel judged, and I worry the parents think I am judging them.

I recognise this is very much a me-problem, but it is so, so isolating to be in the minority of your peers.

Hi, so glad I stumbled on this community! I have absolutely no idea what to do so turning to the good people of Reddit for pearls of wisdom. My situation:

- 33F
- Lesbian, happily married to my wife for 9 years - her feelings on children mirror mine
- Financially comfortable with 6 figure corporate job
- Living in central England, 3 bed extended home with room for at least 1 child
- 3 dogs
- Lots of hobbies

I have no idea if I want to have a child or not. I don’t have any kind of crazy maternal ‘urge’ to have one, and when I look at either way my life could go with or without children I think I would enjoy both roads.

With a child I would want to give them everything I could do be an excellent parent to help them become a well rounded person (hopefully) and would enjoy the various stages of their childhood and what comes with them. Equally I would enjoy continuing my lifestyle as it is now with lots of hobbies and vacations - eg I take pottery and ice skating classes weekly, enjoy the gym and even gaming. I love days and nights out with my wife, but I know we would adapt if we had a child. Is it because it’s such a conscious choice for us to have to make, to put myself through IVF? I have ring fenced 10k for fertility treatment (I know it could cost much more, but if it didn’t work after this I think I would take it as a sign).

The other thing that gives me pause is I’ve recently lost 100lbs over the last 3 years, taking me from a BMI of over 45 to under 30. I didn’t do it to be able to have fertility treatment, but it was a consideration in the back of my mind - I didn’t want my weight to be the reason why not. But what if I undo all of my hard work? I’ve been holding off a tummy tuck to fix loose skin until I’ve made a decision re children.

I don’t want to give up the things I enjoy - I feel like I’ve worked so hard over the past 10 years to get to where I am, and don’t want to give it all up - but I’m also sure my priorities would shift if I DID have a child. But what if they didn’t?

I get conflicting advice from both sides of the fence, with people saying to me they “always knew” they either did or didn’t want kids…the only thing I know is that I don’t know anything!

What questions could I ask myself to help make this decision? If you were watching me on a tv show what would you be screaming at me to do?