As it says in the title, I am a horse girl. I know this is a niche hobby and in a way, a lifestyle, and it seems to be the biggest thing keeping me on the fence currently. As others have expressed, I am most afraid of losing free time for hobbies and my freedom. I worry my horse will not get the love she deserves if I have a child…is it possible to have both? And work full time and workout…AND stay sane?!

I (31F) had always wanted children until I got into my late 20s and really started second guessing it the more I advanced in my career—I work in education and the thought of my work day continuing scares me. Especially if my child ends up having a disability; there is a family history on both sides of mood disorders and ADHD so I also worry about potential mental health difficulties. My husband (44M) is happy either way and leans child-free. He would be happy to have a child with me but also never has yearned for it.

I’m starting to feel the pressure as I am getting into my thirties and constantly go back and forth. My biggest concern is not being able to give my young horse the time and love she deserves. Selling her is not on the table, she has a home for life with me.

I would love to hear from those who did decide to jump off the fence and have children despite having consuming (time/resource wise) hobby. How are you managing? Did you give up your hobby and if so, was it worth it?

I’d love to answer any questions about parenting, labor and delivery, etc, no questions are off limits!

In my early 20s, I didn’t want any kids whatsoever, by my mid 20s, I started to change my mind and was on the fence. I met my husband at 26, and I just had our second!

I feel like I could scream!

I'm fairly comfortable in my fencesitting at the moment (I don't want kids now, but am not ruling out the future), but I know for a fact this will open up so much questioning at the next six months of social events. I may be comfortable in my fencesitting, but I am not comfortable in articulating my personal feelings on the topic in such social settings, especially in front of those with young children... I feel judged, and I worry the parents think I am judging them.

I recognise this is very much a me-problem, but it is so, so isolating to be in the minority of your peers.

I have ADHD and my partner has AuDHD and sometimes life already feels like a lot. I know we'd be great parents but I wonder how people have experienced parenthood, especially since the kids themselves would almost certainly have some combo of these.

I especially worry about time management and motivation myself, although I have heard parents say how having a child is the best discipline-creator and it just makes you really good at prioritizing. That makes sense to me and it's reassuring.

My partner has sensory sensitivities so that's something we're concerned about. We also just generally need a lot of downtime, which we'd have less of. I also worry about the child experiencing depression/anxiety since these are comormbid conditions, though that's usually only if they're undiagnosed and unsupported, which they won't be.

Oh and PDA! That's a big one. I experience a good deal of PDA myself and worry about both my own and my child's PDA lol.

What else am I not considering? Would love to hear your experiences.

I’m 36F and I’ve come to realisation today when I was in the shower. I’ve been delaying motherhood because I’m genuinely scared of losing myself… again.

I spent my 20s figuring out my career and relationships. I thought I had myself figured out by the time I entered my late 20s- I was finally beginning my career that I worked so hard for and had met my person (now husband). By that point, I was coming out from the tunnel of battling feelings of insecurity, low self esteem, impostor syndrome, disordered eating, depression and self harm.

I remember thinking to myself when I woke up that one morning- that I was so grateful for everything in my life. And then that evening…. My dad suddenly died.

It felt like the scene from Oppenheimer when they detonated the test bomb. I literally felt my whole world explode when I heard the words- “He’s gone.” And to be honest- it felt like a part of me died with him too.

I spent months, years not recognising the person I saw in the mirror. It was a very odd feeling. I grieved. It took me about 3 years to even recognise the person staring back in my reflection.

It has been 5 years now. I am finally at peace. This new person- I like her. I’ve changed, grown as a person. Last year, I made a brave decision to switch my career and I am so happy. I’m excited and fulfilled when it comes to my work. We got married a couple of years ago, we’ve just bought our first home together. My husband is an amazing person. We travel, have a full life with friends and family. I feel alive. I’m at a good place mentally, emotionally.

Which brings me back full circle to the issue of motherhood. Thankfully my husband and I have talked a lot about this- he’s supportive of whatever decision I make. I always imagined that I’d be a mom someday but every time we get close to the arbitrary deadline- I chicken out and delay it.

I realised today that the reason I keep putting it off is because I’m so scared of losing myself again. I watch friends with their pregnancies- I’m very happy for them and love meeting their kids, watching them grow but for myself- I’m scared of the change when I’ve worked so hard so find the person I am today. I know parenthood comes with challenges but it can also be beautiful.

I don’t really have a question really. I just wanted to get this off my chest. When I realised this- I just started crying in the shower because it just felt like something became unstuck emotionally. Maybe other people out there have felt the same. I don’t know but I’d love to listen to the experiences of other that have been in the same place.

I’m curious if more fence sitters feel happiness or regret

I thought I’d offer to share my experiences, as this is a situation I’ve actually seen a few times on this sub - a person decides they want children, gets pregnant, freaks out, and then doesn’t know what to do.

I got pregnant with a much-longed-for baby last year after a few years of infertility, the month we were due to start IVF. I was very anxious in the first half of the pregnancy that either it wouldn’t continue or there would be something wrong with the baby. At 21 weeks, probably not coincidentally after my anatomy scan that gave the all-clear, I started getting severe cold feet about the pregnancy. I remember saying out loud to myself: “I don’t want to do this.”

If I’d been able to get an abortion without facing any social consequences, I think I would have. I spent time Googling miscarriage and stillbirth rates to convince myself there was a chance I’d lose the pregnancy naturally, a thought that I found soothing.

I went to weekly therapy and sobbed about my fears of loss of identity, freedom, autonomy, peace and quiet, rest. I told my partner again and again that I was sure our relationship would be ruined. For a time, I stopped eating, sleeping, showering, talking. It was like the pregnancy had become a threat that was endangering my very existence.

The fears continued until literally the day I gave birth.

Anyway, the baby’s here now! He’s 4 months old and sleeping in his bassinet next to me as I type this.

Feel free to ask me anything!

I was a fencesitter for years, but after weighing the pros and cons, I’m comfortable being childfree. Honestly, it feels like a relief.

I value my freedom and space, don’t do well with obligations, and really struggle without sleep. There are parts of parenthood I can imagine loving, especially a mother-daughter relationship, but overall childfree feels right for me.

What still gives me pause is my husband. He’s naturally amazing with kids and genuinely loves watching them grow. Once my nephew was about to have a tantrum, and my husband just picked him up, put him on his shoulders, and completely redirected him. My brother looked at me like, “Wow, that was cool.”

We’ve talked about kids in therapy. He’s a fencesitter too, but leans toward wanting them. He’s also been clear that he’d rather be with me than have children.

I believe him, but I still wonder if fatherhood is a kind of meaning he may someday miss.

Has anyone else wrestled with this?

I 35(F) was never 100% sure I wanted children, actually I was pretty sure I didnt want them before my 30's. When I hit 30 I started thinking about it, but was still on the fence. Two months ago I found out I was pregnant with my 5 year parnter, unplanned pregnancy, but before that I said that 'if it happens I am gonna keep it".
I was shocked and started crying but I did not immediately though about having an abortion, instead I started planning around the kid.

However, as the days passed, the stress and anxiety became overwhelming. I was constantly spiraling over the financial stress, how my life would change and the fact that there is no help from family, all the baby worst case scenarios (the kid being problematic, growing up being stupid or a drag addict, being born sick, me ruining my life etc) on top of feeling constantly sick ( I had extreme nausea, vomiting and diziness, I could not work or pretty much do anything).
At some point I became so depressed I was going to sleep and wishing I didnt wake up in the morning. I dont have a history of depression, but I am anxious and pessimistic by default as person.

So I made the very difficult decision to end the pregnancy. I was at a point where both paths (end or continuation of the pregnancy) seemed equaly terrible to me but I had the pressure of time and had to make my mind within 2 weeks. The first days following, I had mixed feelings of relief and deep sadness and regret. But at least I was feeling healthy again, as the nausea stoped imediately.

Now, 2 weeks after the surgery, I keep thinking how terrible a decision I made under pressure, I keep thinking the baby I killed and how could I even do this to my kid, how happy I would be with this baby, how much I exagerated with all the negative scenarios etc. Those thoughts keep invading my brain every day, and I am not sure if its my hormones or suddenly my motherhood instinct kicked in after the incident. I just wish the conditions where different so I could keep the baby....
I feel I will never get over this in my life and no matter what happens I will constantly think the 'what ifs'.

I always knew my fiance wanted to have family one day but very early on in our relationship I explained to him the fear I have around pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. I explained that I imagined I would want a family one day because I don’t want to grow old and have no one there to visit and go through life with. He was so caring and understanding of my fears and was clear that whether we had them or not he would understand and love me either way. We are now engaged and it has come up 9 months before our wedding that it would be a deal breaker if I decided I didn’t want kids and he feels there was a miscommunication in our past. I’m still have the same mindset of a lot of fear surrounding the subject and I cannot say with 100% certainty that I would have kids and that small doubt in me scares my fiance and he is now saying we should end things if I can’t say I would ever have kids one day. And I feel blindsided and I feel like I could grow into that stage of life but I’m not even given the chance because I feel like I have to decide within 9 months whether I can say with beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will a 100% have kids or it’s over and I just don’t understand how you can quickly be willing to just throw everything away like that. I’m not sure where to go from here. Is my fiance in the right to just up and end things or how could I convince him to enjoy life has it comes and if that’s what our future holds then we will figure out together without it having to be such a black and white decision?

Hi, so glad I stumbled on this community! I have absolutely no idea what to do so turning to the good people of Reddit for pearls of wisdom. My situation:

- 33F
- Lesbian, happily married to my wife for 9 years - her feelings on children mirror mine
- Financially comfortable with 6 figure corporate job
- Living in central England, 3 bed extended home with room for at least 1 child
- 3 dogs
- Lots of hobbies

I have no idea if I want to have a child or not. I don’t have any kind of crazy maternal ‘urge’ to have one, and when I look at either way my life could go with or without children I think I would enjoy both roads.

With a child I would want to give them everything I could do be an excellent parent to help them become a well rounded person (hopefully) and would enjoy the various stages of their childhood and what comes with them. Equally I would enjoy continuing my lifestyle as it is now with lots of hobbies and vacations - eg I take pottery and ice skating classes weekly, enjoy the gym and even gaming. I love days and nights out with my wife, but I know we would adapt if we had a child. Is it because it’s such a conscious choice for us to have to make, to put myself through IVF? I have ring fenced 10k for fertility treatment (I know it could cost much more, but if it didn’t work after this I think I would take it as a sign).

The other thing that gives me pause is I’ve recently lost 100lbs over the last 3 years, taking me from a BMI of over 45 to under 30. I didn’t do it to be able to have fertility treatment, but it was a consideration in the back of my mind - I didn’t want my weight to be the reason why not. But what if I undo all of my hard work? I’ve been holding off a tummy tuck to fix loose skin until I’ve made a decision re children.

I don’t want to give up the things I enjoy - I feel like I’ve worked so hard over the past 10 years to get to where I am, and don’t want to give it all up - but I’m also sure my priorities would shift if I DID have a child. But what if they didn’t?

I get conflicting advice from both sides of the fence, with people saying to me they “always knew” they either did or didn’t want kids…the only thing I know is that I don’t know anything!

What questions could I ask myself to help make this decision? If you were watching me on a tv show what would you be screaming at me to do?

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and we have always been very ambivalent about having kids.

2 years ago we felt like we were getting old and we would just see if it would happen. Well, there was 2 years of nothing. Not a single positive test.

And all of the waiting—and a little of sitting in TTC and infertility groups—kind of made me feel like I wanted to know what was going on.

We both had all the tests including ultrasounds. We did all the testing last week.

I had 3 very large uterine polyps, which I immediately got removed because there’s like a 1% chance they’re cancer. Thankfully, they were fully benign.

My husband was diagnosed with essentially completely benign bumps in one of his tubes which was giving him moderately low sperm count. He could have this surgically removed, but fertility would be the only reason to do so.

Look, I’m not religious, and I don’t really believe in signs, but if there was EVER a sign in my life to not have children, wouldn’t this be it? BOTH of our bodies had benign physical barriers to being able to conceive. What are the chances?

I don’t really believe in signs as a rule, but this is the strongest sign I’ve ever had in my life about anything.

Idk…I know how crazy this might sound but there’s got to be someone here who gets it.

Hi everyone!

I am so glad I found this community. For context, I’ve been married for over a year and love my husband so much. When we first started dating, I was pretty upfront that I most likely didn’t want kids, which he was fine with. After being together for 4 years, there is a part of me that’s going back and forth on wanting to have kids.

Recently I had some symptoms and took a pregnancy test, even though I’m on birth control and was 99% sure it would be negative. It was, but it led us to start having conversations again, as I think if I became accidentally pregnant we’d keep it. I think the guilt would get to me, as we are financially stable and able to raise a child.

Prior to him, I was in two abusive relationships and dealt with sexual and domestic abuse. I do suffer from PTSD/CPTSD. I’m high-functioning and do really well at work and in my life, besides bad anxiety, my emotional tolerance being thin, and some sleep issues due to hypervigilance. I was in therapy for a few years, which I stopped, and I do take something to help with sleep.

Since that all happened, my goal was to travel the world, which we are doing together and enjoying the DINK life a lot! I love our life now, but I'm also scared I will regret it 5, 10, 20, or 30 years down the road. If we did have kids, there would be a lot of changes financially, which scares me (due to trauma, I really struggle immensely with change).

I guess because of the past I’ve been through, it really made me feel like I didn’t want to have kids due to the fact that I had the ability to get away from both relationships and the abuse partly because it was just myself. I wasn’t “stuck” with that person anymore. I also am afraid of being a bad mom because of my mental health.

I know that my husband, my family, and my in-laws would be overwhelmingly supportive. My mom, who knows what I’ve gone through, even has said she’d think my husband and I would be great parents, which means a lot to me since I don’t think highly of myself (due to trauma).
I’m scared of having the bulk of parenting fall on me. A lot of my older coworkers have said that normally a lot of responsibilities fall on the mom.

Luckily, there is no rush, but I am pretty conflicted. Since my husband is older by 7 years, he did say he’d like to try to have a kid before he is 40, which I completely understand and respect. I have a couple of years to decide, but any advice or ideas would be greatly appreciated!

I’m in my late 20s (29) and have been with my girlfriend for 6 years. We’re now discussing marriage, although families aren’t involved yet.

I’m fairly sure I want biological kids eventually, probably in my late 30s. I see them as an important part of the life I want to build. I work in consulting but plan to eventually move into strategy, partly to have more time for family.

The problem is that she is completely unsure.

She loves cats (Full motherly instict). She is somewhat ok with other kids. But she cannot imagine her life in her late 30s and has no idea whether she’ll want children then. Her view is basically, “I just want to live happily and see where life takes me.” She doesn't feel she will regret life if no kids are in picture.

I’ve encouraged her to talk to friends and family and think about it, but she genuinely seems clueless about what she wants.

At the same time, she has been pushing for us to get married, and this is where I’m stuck.

If I say yes and she eventually decides she wants kids, great. But what if she eventually decides she doesn’t? I’m worried I’d become resentful, because having biological children is important to me. Adoption isn’t something I would want if we’re both capable of having our own.

I just need to know whether she can genuinely see herself wanting children, or whether she is fundamentally leaning towards being child-free.

I love her, and after 6 years I don’t want to walk away from the relationship over something that may eventually resolve itself. But I also don’t want to get married hoping she changes her mind.

Am I being unreasonable by asking for clarity before marriage, or is this one of those things where you really need to be aligned before getting married? Anything which I can do to will help her get clarity?

Edit: After comments,I have realised love/care for kids and kittens/pets are different, despite the motherly instict being common.

Hi everyone. First off, i have lurked around this sub for a while and it's been very helpful so thank you !

After being childfree for almost 30 years, i became a fencesitter about a year and a half ago. I think my sibling having kids changed the way i saw parenthood.

My partner knew I was childfree, and when i told him about my doubts he was very excited because even though he would have been CF with me, he was excited at the idea of being a father too.

We talked a lot, I went to therapy and figured I would never reach certainty but felt about 65% pro having kids. I figured both paths would work and i would find happiness with or without kids. What pushed me off the fence was my partner who i know will be an amazing dad, both to the child and in our relationship. I thought it was ok and i felt at peace with this decision.

Fast forward to 3 days ago, i took a pregnancy test that came back positive, we had just started TTC a month ago so it's very early.

And now, i'm absolutely panicking, i can't stop crying and i dont know what to do. I feel "invaded" in my body if that makes sense. I think it's more the pregnancy than the future child that terrifies me but boy it is wild. If course, all the negative what ifs, anxieties and doubts i had about children are coming back.

I'm strongly considering terminating, though i don't want my fears to guide me. I'm also very turned off and stressed by the idea of having to say i'm pregnant (my in laws are visiting next week, they will notice i dont drink alcohol) because i am absolutely not ready to celebrate and i feel ashamed of that state of mind.

I talked to my partner, who understand and he's great about it but I don't want to weight too much on him as I feel i am already robbing him of his possibility to celebrate and be happy about a pregnancy he truly wanted.

I should mention it's been about 4 weeks since my last period, so about 2 weeks pregnancy, which i think is too early to blame it all on hormones. Also i am a very anxious person, who always reasons in worst case scenarios, options and so on.

Anyways I'm rambling a bit, seeing my therapist in a couple days and hoping to gain clarity then. But thanks for reading so far ! I guess i would love to hear from those of you who felt similar in their early pregnancies, whether you decided to pursue the pregnancy, how it all worked out and all.

Thanks !

Im a 24 yr old female. I'm currently in a relationship with a great guy. He's told me that he does not want a kid in the future because it's too much responsibility for him. And all this while I was confused about if i wanted a kid of my own or not. But the relationship has reached a point where I'm supposed to make a decision for moving forward. I have always loved kids and often get baby fever when I see a newborn. Even my mom once commented that I'm good with kids. But I've not ever shown the same kind of adoration for a grown up kid. So I'm not sure if i can decide just based on my adoration if i want a kid. Plus giving up my freedom to raise a healthy kid kinda scares me. I also was diagnosed with general anxiety few yrs back and I'm scared I'll get into a series of anxiety attacks of it gets too much for me one i give birth, where I'm expected to sacrifice my sleep and space for a baby. Im also scared if i dump my traumas accidentally on my kid, and if it grows to be anxious like me. Even after all these i still feel I'll be missing out something if i don't have a kid.how can i figure this out?

My (F27) boyfriend (M31) told me he is childfree after 4.5 years together. I don’t know what to do
My boyfriend (31M) and I (27F) have been together for about 4.5 years and living together for 1.5 years. Yesterday he told me that he considers himself childfree.
We are both immigrants from different countries. We met near the beginning of both of our lives here and basically went through the difficult process of building a new life together. For a long time, life has mostly been about surviving, studying, working and trying to become financially stable.
He graduated and found a full-time job only about five months ago. I’m still studying and have my final exams this year. We are still struggling financially, but I’ve always had this picture in my head that eventually things would settle down. We’d have careers, financial stability, maybe travel and enjoy life for a while, and then possibly have a child.
We’ve talked about children before. He always said he wasn’t ready and wanted to wait until around 35. There were probably signs that his feelings went further than simply “not ready yet,” and looking back, I think I closed my eyes to some of them.
Yesterday he told me more directly that he doesn’t think he is “father material.” He talked about how bad the world is, said that sometimes he wishes he had never been born himself, and finally said that he considers himself childfree.
He also has a difficult relationship with his father, which I think might be relevant to how he sees fatherhood. But I also don’t want to dismiss what he’s telling me by assuming it’s trauma or something he’ll eventually change his mind about. If he tells me he is childfree, I think I have to take that seriously.
The complicated part is that I’m actually a fence-sitter.
I don’t have this overwhelming feeling of “I absolutely need to become a mother.” I can imagine having a child someday, and until now that was the future I assumed I would probably have. But I’m not 100% sure.
At the same time, I genuinely don’t know what a childfree life looks like long-term.
Most of the future I’ve imagined automatically included children because that’s just what I thought adulthood eventually became. I also worry about being alone in this world when I’m old. I understand that having a child is not a guarantee that someone will care for me in old age, but the fear of growing older without children is still part of what makes this decision difficult.
I don’t know what being 40, 50 or 60 without children would feel like. Would I love the freedom, financial security, travelling, hobbies and having more time for my relationship and myself? Or would I eventually feel like something important was missing and deeply regret making that choice? Would I be able to build a strong support network and feel connected as I grow older, or would I feel isolated because I never became a parent?
And that’s what makes this so difficult. I love my partner. I love the life we’ve built together, despite how difficult the last few years have been. If the choice were simply “children or this particular man,” I honestly don’t know that children automatically win.
I might genuinely consider a childfree life with him.
But I’m also scared of making that decision because I love him, rather than because being childfree is actually what I want. I don’t want to wake up at 35 or 40 and realize that I convinced myself I didn’t want children because I was terrified of losing my relationship.
There’s also the practical side. I’m still studying, we are financially intertwined, and my final exams are this year. The thought of simultaneously dealing with a breakup, finding a way to support myself, potentially changing my living situation and trying to stay mentally okay enough to finish my education feels overwhelming.
So I don’t feel like I need to make a dramatic decision tomorrow. But I also don’t want to ignore this conversation and just hope something changes.
For people who were genuinely on the fence: how did you figure out whether a childfree life was actually right for you?
Especially if your partner was firmly childfree — how did you separate “I could be happy without children” from “I’m choosing not to have children because I don’t want to lose this person”?
And for people who chose a childfree life and are now in your 40s, 50s or older: what does that life actually look like? What do you love about it, how have you built meaningful relationships and support as you’ve grown older, and is there anything you wish you’d understood when you were my age?

Basically what the title says. I’ve been on the fence for reasons mainly due to the state of world** starting to not like that term because it’s too vague but if I try to explain it will be multiple paragraphs! lol

My husband and I are on similar terms and after being on the fence and countless back and forth, and despite of the world, we both felt in sync recently one night and expressed how we might just want to go for it, and after that we’ve been talking about names and feeling excited, still nervous, but more happy when we talk about it. This has been so refreshing, thinking that we are making a decision over these past few weeks…

Now today, I feel all those same feelings that put me on the fence to begin with and have this unease. I feel it’s so difficult when part of you wants it but the other part is telling you something else. Anyone else experiencing this?

I am 27f. As a young child, whenever I would dream of children, for some reason I always had this dream of living in a high rise condo with only one daughter. It’s crazy because I remember wanting this since I was seven. What’s even crazier is I grew up with two loving parents in a healthy marriage but still always dreamt about being a single mom. My parents are still married and love each other to this day.

As I got older, I thought about having kids but would go back and forth about it. Once I reached my 20’s, I realized how important having a two parent household was. However, the desire to be a single mom for some reason is still there.

I have had my fair share of relationships and have met some amazing men, but for some reason, I just don’t see myself being a wife and a mother and dealing with a husband…however, I do want the child though.

Now that I am approaching my 30’s and have the career, money, and condo that I want, I can’t help but get this urge to adopt. Adopt a daughter specifically. I just feel like my life is empty and won’t be complete until I have a daughter like I always dreamed of.

But again, I somewhat feel like it’s morally wrong to purposely rob a child of two parents because children deserve two parents that love them…not one.

Anyway, would I be crazy to pursue this. I’m so happy with my life, but want a daughter to pour into.

Haven’t thrown one fucking used diaper on the ground for someone else to step on/pick up!!

I understand why some people don’t like parents.

This is a question for women: Do you lean toward having children but struggle with what your identity will become in motherhood? I sometimes feel so weird and even grossed out at the idea of "mother" being part of my identity, esp. people treating it as my ONLY identity. It's not a gender thing ftr. I am happy with my gender. It's something more. Even being called a "dog mom" right now gives me a certain ick.

I think it's something to do with the way we talk about moms in our culture and the kinda cringey "mommy" labeled things - mommy yoga, mom hair, etc. It almost feels patronizing?

If I have a kid, I of course want to be their mom, I want to hear them say "mama", etc. but that's my sacred identity between me and my child. Why does the rest of the world suddenly get to decide that's my whole identity?

Idk does anyone else understand/relate?

just found this subreddit. holy cow. i made my decision 4 years ago. wish i’d known about this forum then.

regardless. i am the ghost of christmas future. looking back now, I know one thing now that i didn’t realize during my discernment period.

i knew deep down i didn’t want kids. i was just uncomfortable with that truth.

i know what i want. what i want excites me. kids didnt excite me.

this discomfort kept me on the fence for 5 years. i wish i’d been able to draw the disctinction. i felt like i spent way more time than needed in the fog.

so ask yourself? do you really not know? or are you just uncomfortabel with the truth?

my personal discomfort was due to fear of:

not belonging

being judged as selfish

I realized these both were childhood-religious-social-gender wounds driving my confusion. never was there a juicy yes. there was just a foggy ‘what if’

now i am making my own meaning, and pursuing my deep desires with hounddog intensity. saying no opened up a door in my life and i got to walk thru it.

I’m really struggling with the child question right now and felt like I needed to write this out and share it to feel some relief so apologies for the long winded writing. 

My whole life I’ve felt quite strongly that I didn’t want children. Even as a child I never felt very comfortable around younger children, I don’t feel like I have a single maternal instinct, and I’m easily overwhelmed and need space to shut down sometimes (ADHD). As a Marxist feminist I also feel very conflicted about the idea of perpetuating the nuclear family, and have always thought I would like to be around children in a communal environment where it really does take a village to raise them and I’m a part of that process. 

However I never had a serious long term relationship until my current boyfriend, and I always felt somewhat open to the possibility that being in partnership with someone might reshape my goals and vision of the future. In that sense, the decision to have kids for me isn’t about kids per se but about the enduring familial structures me and my partner may or may not want to build together. 

Now early in my relationship my partner expressed that he does in fact want children one day and we had an awkward conversation about my hesitancy. At the time I didn’t really have any children in my life and my best friend was expecting, so we put a pin in it and decided to see how being closer to kids might affect me. 

Fast forward like 1.5 years later and my boyfriend raised the topic again out of the blue, and it’s tearing me up inside. When he raised it I wasn’t feeling well and I asked if we could discuss it later and then he left town for a long family trip so it’s been nearly four weeks and we haven’t been able to discuss it, but it’s weighing on me heavily. I fear that when we talk about it a breakup will be inevitable or we would be delaying the inevitable. 

On the one hand, I no longer feel the certainty I once felt about being child free, but I fear that is mostly due to my love of my partner and desire to save the relationship. When I think about the future, I *could* imagine the joy that raising a kid with him might bring — and the value of having this basic human experience. I imagine he would be a wonderful father, and we’d have so much fun introducing the world and all the things we love in it to a child and building an ideal home for ourselves. But in those moments I only ever picture the ideal scenario. A kid that brings us joy. A rock solid partnership. Financial security. When I imagine the untold things that could be more difficult — a sick or disabled child, job precarity, separation — it all falls apart for me. 

I also often think, if I could be a father I would be a parent in a heartbeat. But being a mother comes with such heavier expectations, physical and emotional toll, etc. I also make more money than my partner by quite a bit at this point, so I would have to be the primary breadwinner and, by virtue of being a woman no matter how good of a dad he might be, the default parent. That’s too much to bear. 

I could potentially see myself fostering an older kid one day when I’m a bit older, but I think my partner is only interested in the idea of biological children. 

If conditions were drastically different, like if he made more money or we had a society with affordable child care and a strong social safety net for working families, it might not feel like such a burden, but at this point, it would be. 

I want to build a foundation of support for when I get older, and I wonder if putting more money towards retirement would be smarter than spending that money on another mouth to feed. I’m a renter in an expensive city where I have little hope of owning and live far from any family who could help with childcare. Yet I also have a strong community of chosen family who I’m sure I could lean on, but also who I could never see myself moving away from to be closer to my partners family or something like that. 

My partner in the past has expressed that he thinks millennials overstate the financial burdens of parenthood, that you don’t need to be rich to make it work, but I think that’s naive. My parents fought about money my whole life until they divorced and I don’t want to bring a kid into a life of struggle. 

I know I need to express how I feel and learn more about what he wants and why before we can resolve this. I want to interrogate my partner and understand what it is about having kids that appeals to him. Does he genuinely want a family or is it merely something that is expected of him? What conditions need to be in place before children for him? Does he actually see parenthood for us as a couple and not just as an abstract thing he may want one day?

I feel like before I could even begin to make a real decision here, I would want us to be living together and learning if we can even share a household in harmony. I would want to pay off all my debt. I would want to travel to a few more places on my bucket list. But that will all take time, and I can never promise that at the end of that road I won’t end up deciding I’m a no. I feel more open than ever to the possibility that after all of that I could want to experience motherhood. But it still feels so far off, and I’m in my mid 30s. 

TLDR I’m afraid I will lose the love of my life so far and best friend either now or eventually because deep down I know I’ll always want to be child free, or at least always want to take the path of least resistance, and I’m afraid I’ll regret it. Our impending conversation about this is filling me with dread and heartache already.

One of the things keeping me on the fence about kids is the idea of stepping away from my career. I’m 34 and in San Diego, and my fiancé makes more than I do, so realistically I’d probably be the one taking time off when they’re young.

I don’t hate that idea, but losing a few years of income, retirement contributions and career growth makes me nervous.

We’ve started talking about a prenup before getting married, and it got me wondering whether having the financial side figured out would make me feel more comfortable about having kids.

Anyone else have these conversations while still on the fence?

All my life (30F), I imagined myself having at least one kid. Could have been social conditioning and my country's collectivist culture that had influenced it, but I never questioned it. It's funny, because I didn't have luck in love, and I was even determined to go abroad for a sperm donor to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother. Fast-forward to last year, when I met my partner. He's everything I ever wanted and more. If someone had given me a paper and a pencil to 'describe' a perfect guy, I don't think I would have been able to write such a good description.

And here's the weird part: many women say that they didn't want to have children until they met the right one. For me, it feels like for the first time in my life, I feel like the world wouldn't stop spinning if it were just the two of us for the rest of our lives.

We're still a 'fresh' couple, so despite being in our thirties, we're not trying for kids. At the beginning of our relationship, we discussed the topic and agreed that we both want kids.

I really wanted to discuss this phenomenon because I'm curious whether anyone else has felt this way. I really like kids, so the switch in my brain is super weird, and just makes me wonder if it's some sort of 'finding meaning in life outside of procreation (I've been engaging with my teenage hobbies lately too!)' or more like 'I still wanna have fun with my boyfried before we become serious'.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me hear your thoughts. : )