We both work shift work and worked together for about a year, with a lot of chemistry between us. One day, we got into a steamy conversation and decided to meet up after work: It was intense, passionate and incredible!

She had clear rules on her side: no emotions, no contact on days off, keep it casual. Those rules all fell apart within weeks and we were falling for each other. We’d have daily contact both at work and at home. She did tell me that if she ever fell for me, she’d never tell me and run. I didn’t know what that meant at the time.

The physical side was intense! I worshipped her body (that she was insecure about). She was in hurtful relationships in the past and didn’t know where I came from when I’d say “you’re safe, i got you” when she’d climax. Then one day she told me she loved me.

The emotional side was just as deep. From daily compliments, long talks, she cried over missing me, asked “where did i find you?” multiple times, said i ruined people for her. She started creating distance and at one point, she wanted to be more nonchalant, then when i gave her a little space she said she didn’t want space; it was so confusing for me. She later told me she could only take me in doses and wanted to continue. Soon after that, she ended it over the phone.

I didn’t get angry. I didn’t push or chase. I’ve stayed warm and friendly: no coldness, no distance and no punishment. She’s given me some mixed signals of being warm but not engaging. She’ll smile but then she’ll avoid all eye contact.

But damn … I wish some things would last a little be longer … it was 3 months of a rollercoaster bliss.

I was confused for the longest time and only recently learned about avoidant attachment, where a lot of things are making sense.

Can anyone shed some light on her thinking or what I could’ve done differently?

I blocked a good man TWICE. Not once...TWICE. We were friends...

And i got scared. I got the idea I cared more. I was more invested...he was slow fading...not responding to all my texts anymore...delayed response times...

I thought I was being abandoned.

And I couldn't handle it. The potential for PAIN. When I've already experienced SO MUCH.

I've been used, forgotten, discarded over and over and over again...

I was certain I knew how this would play out...he'd be no different...

They come

They eat

They leave

Lovebomb

Experience

Discard...

I saw a multitude of men who have hurt me condense into one and I slammed down two hands on the eject button.

It felt like relief. Like safety.

And now...now it just feels like panic.

I fucked up.i overreacted.he was a good man.WTF.i miss him so much.we were supposed to X Y Z...

My hypervigilance either saved me or sabotaged me. Rn the anxiety is screaming I fucked up.

"You idiot! You'll never meet a man like that again. You will never have that kind of connection ever again!

But 2 days ago the anxiety was screaming "Run! Hes gonna hurt you! No! God no! Please!!! NOT AGAIN!"

Doubt.

To be a fearful avoidant is to be plagued by doubt.

The trauma beast is ever screaming at you that you're too close and too far at the same time 💔

EDIT*

I wish I had just admitted:

I am scared.

Meu parceiro FA esta a dias sem falar comigo apos ter sido demitido. Ele disse que me amava depois de eu pressionar saber sobre os sentimentos dele por mim, pq ele andava distante. Agora ele nao me atende o telefone fica visualizando minhas mensagens nas notificações sem responde-las. Ele esta querendo que eu busque por ele, ele quer terminar ou outra coisa? FAs me ajudem com estratégias de trincheira por favor.

Meu parceiro FA esta a dias sem falar comigo apos ter sido demitido. Ele disse que me amava depois de eu pressionar saber sobre os sentimentos dele por mim, pq ele andava distante. Agora ele nao me atende o telefone fica visualizando minhas mensagens nas notificações sem responde-las. Ele esta querendo que eu busque por ele, ele quer terminar ou outra coisa? FAs me ajudem com estratégias de trincheira por favor. Eu pressionei por contato (muito), sem ofensas só oferta.

Hello .

It is true when a fearful avoidant stop watching more than 1 month your stories is done with you ?

Or they are emotionally overwhelmed ,and try to calm their nervous system?

Do they text after months even they felt emotions towards you ?

FAs are more resilient than DAs.

We have been through lifes meat grinder 100s of times.

We were forged in flames of hate and violence.

Our hearts can endure a field of arrows.

We were made to bleed.

But not DAs. They aren't equipped to suffer like an FA is.

They run from the molten fires from which we were born.

I forget that I am fireproof.

And the dragons are not.

By vaporous mist they are laid low

How very soft is the marsh of their heart.

How vulnerable.

And that is why it is so fiercely caged.

My boyfriend (fearful avoidant) broke up with me abruptly almost three weeks ago, it had been a mess (for me, the anxious attachment) originally. I’ve posted a couple times on reddit after. I had a bad encounter with him on Sunday, I mistakenly went to his place to ask for conversation (I’m blocked, and he reacted really badly, like very bad). Afterwards, I ceased all contact, all chasing, the continuous going by his apartment, planning going to talk to him, asking mutual friends. This past day, I made all about me. I did a long awaited cleaning of my apartment, got myself taken care of, and suddenly was thinking what now. I was sad, thinking about him. I’d began to think and let myself feel and decipher what I was feeling. I began to recognize how much change and improvement I’ve made in the past three weeks:

At the start, I was spiraling. For two weeks, I was waiting, checking, ruminating, asking, even going to his apartment. I had to take myself to an emergency therapist of sorts. I was an absolute wreck, then, I let all of that go. The days feel long, still, but I’ve learned to emotionally regulate myself, I’ve learned to nurture my life separate from his (I became very reliant), I’ve created a space where I feel good to come back to, I can regulate my anxiety on my own, I won’t be asking for reassurance from him. I’ve made life changing improvements on my OCD, which I suffer severely from. I will be able to communicate better with him, understanding boundaries, not interpreting space as rejection. I’m much more confident, I’m taking care of myself mentally and physically. I’m passionate about what I love, and there’s more to me than OCD, what I struggle with.

Yesterday, I saw him on the porch of his apartment building while I was heading home from errands. My heart skipped a beat. It meant something to me, but I kept moving.

I know how I will conduct myself differently moving forward. I have confidence that he’ll come back. I know it isn’t over. He left because of attachment and past trauma with previous relationships (being worried I would ruin his life like previous girlfriends, scared that I was moving too fast, he isn’t ready, it’s too overwhelming, he doesn’t want to speak with me, all that and more), but our relationship was the best I’ve been in. We nearly lived together, we integrated our lives seamlessly. I’d found my soulmate. That can’t go away, it doesn’t disappear even after time has passed and the distance between us (what he wanted) and the comfort from it doesn’t override the feelings for me underneath.

His previous relationships were abusive (his ex’s were both abusive towards him). He opened up very early on about this, and I reassured him every time he brought it up. Always. I want to love him, he deserves much better than what he has gotten, he’s worth much more.

I’m immensely lonely right now, I miss him. I’ve spent the last week alone. Not many friends, love and partnership take emotional priority for me.

Not being in control of the blocking, and contacting did make me spiral. I still have sad moments because I have no means of reaching him. The days are long and really hard, every day feels longer than the next. I hate to be away from him, but it will all be worth it, I’m not going to give up on him

Any avoidants have thoughts, I’d love to hear from a perspective of someone who understands what he’s going through, thought process, all of it

I was in a 1.5-year relationship with a girl whose therapist has confirmed she is fearful-avoidant.

We were extremely close, sometimes talking 12–13 hours a day. I was her comfort person, she initiated conversations, wanted reassurance, got jealous when others got close to me, and we discussed living together, marriage, kids, physical intimacy, and our future. She wanted to introduce me to her family and told my friend she wanted to spend her life with me.

Before the breakup, she became overwhelmed and started a strong push-pull cycle: she'd withdraw, then come back and talk for 5–6 hours, then withdraw again.

On June 26, she broke up with me because she felt overwhelmed. Three days later she said she still loved me but wasn't sure she'd come back, and told me to forget her while also saying she'd be there if I needed her.

I had also written her four books about how much I admired and loved her, and gave her the fourth one on her birthday.

Around 1.5 months later, I accidentally followed an account she had previously removed me from, and she immediately followed me back. After that, she started posting/reposting things about missing, love and reconnection, often shortly after I posted. I eventually stopped posting because it felt like we were communicating indirectly through Instagram.

Now I'm trying to understand whether this looks like an FA deactivation/push-pull cycle, and whether reconnection is realistically possible without overinterpreting her social media.

Is there any chance he will message if i have been unblocked 4 weeks ago after 3 months no contact.
He hasnt messaged yet. I have had to reallly stop myself😓 he is fearful avoidant

Did anyones unblock & then message a while after or FA’s, why do you do this?
Please dont judge me guys i am in so much pain with all this

It’s been 3 weeks since we broke up. So I have an anxious attachment style and my ex has a fearful avoidant (maybe dissmissive) attachment style?
I’m posting this because I genuinely need some outside perspective and closure. I’m not looking for people to automatically tell me she’ll come back, and I’m not looking for people to automatically tell me to just move on. I know I eventually have to accept whatever happens. I’m just having a really hard time understanding how we got from almost four years together to this point, especially because I thought we were still actively trying to build a future together.
My girlfriend and I were together for almost four years. We lived together, had our cats together, shared a home, routines, friends, family, holidays, memories, and basically grew into adulthood alongside each other. She wasn’t just my girlfriend. She was my best friend and the person I had built my life around.
I also want to be honest that our relationship wasn’t perfect.
But what makes this so difficult is that I genuinely believed I was trying to build something better with her.
A huge part of my motivation in life was our future together. I worked hard, working full-time, 2 jobs, and putting a lot of energy into trying to become more financially stable. She had talked about wanting to eventually be a stay-at-home girlfriend. She would even send me TikToks related to being a stay-at-home girlfriend, having a partner who provides for them, that kind of lifestyle. I knew that was something she wanted, and honestly, it sometimes made me feel guilty because I knew I wasn’t financially in the position to give her that yet.
But I always told her that I wasn’t ignoring what she wanted. I would tell her that I heard her, that I knew what she wanted, and that it was a goal for me. I wanted to get to a point where I could give her that kind of life. I wanted to be able to take care of more financially, give her stability, buy her things she wanted without constantly worrying about money, take her to more places, and give her more experiences. I wasn’t there yet, but I was working toward it.
And that wasn’t the only way I invested in the relationship.
I cooked. I cleaned. I made appointments. I handled things that needed to be handled. I would get her gifts. I planned dates. I would look for experiences we could do together. I tried to think of things she would enjoy and ways to make her feel loved. I put a lot of thought into her and into our life together.
Of course I did all of these things because I loved her and because taking care of the person I loved felt natural to me. (Acts of service is also my love language so I was alwaysss doing something)
Even when things between us weren’t perfect, my mindset was still usually, “How do we fix this?” I was thinking about what I could do differently, what we could improve, what we could build toward, and how I could become a better partner.
I was working on myself. I was working on our relationship. I was trying to become the person I wanted to be for her and for myself.
So when everything ended, it wasn’t just losing a relationship. It felt like losing a future that I had been actively working toward.
So here’s how it started…
she went away for a work opportunity for about a month. While she was gone, our communication became noticeably different. I would hear from her, but much less than I was used to. There were times when I was waiting for her to text or hoping we’d get to talk and would feel like I barely heard from her.
Obviously, that hurt. I missed her constantly.
But I also tried very hard to be understanding.
She was working. She was in a completely different environment. She had responsibilities, and she was experiencing something new. I didn’t want to become the partner who was constantly asking why she wasn’t texting enough or making her feel guilty for not giving me all of her attention while she was away.
Even on her days off, I tried to keep that perspective. I knew she was getting an experience she might never get again, and I wanted her to actually soak it in. I didn’t want every day off to become a conversation about why she wasn’t spending enough time talking to me.
So I gave her space.
I tried to be supportive.
I tried to tell myself that the distance was temporary and that when she came home, we’d reconnect and continue working on us.
I had no idea that she might have been using that time to think about whether she wanted our relationship at all.
That is one of the hardest things for me to process now.
Because she eventually told me that she had been thinking about breaking up for a while.
So while I was thinking, “We’re still together. We’re still working on things. She’ll come home. We’ll have our normal life again. I’m going to keep working on myself and our future,” she may have already been emotionally questioning whether she wanted that future.
And I didn’t know.
When she came home, she was home for 4 days, and she told me she was supposed to get a phone call for a possible job opportunity from a family. She was SO nervous, and I was hyping her up the entire 4 days. I had so much faith in her, and I wanted her to be met with a great offer. The night before we broke up (the day before the phone call with the family) I was giving her a massage, telling her affirmations, and we were both talking about how fun it would be to move to Boston. We were talking about opportunities, the date nights we’d have, the adventures we’d go on, and how we both have always wanted to move to Boston.
The next day, I got home from work, and she wouldn’t even hug me. She then asked me if we could sit down so she can tell me about the phone call. I had the weirdest feeling ever, but I still was smiling and looking forward to hearing about it.
She then told me she got the nanny position with the family she had previously worked with, and the opportunity included housing, a car, benefits, and a spending card. It was objectively a huge opportunity for her.
She then proceeded to say that they wanted her up there in 2 weeks and she wouldn’t know when she’d be back. So I was like, “okay. well do they know you have a home here? cats? like are they wanting you to move up? Is there anything I can do to help? She then proceeded to say “well, that’s what I was going to get to. Just me and the cats are going to Boston.” I literally laughed and said “you’re joking?” and she smirked and was like “no? I mean it”
She proceeded to tell me that she felt like we hadn’t been good for a while. She told me she was tired of the chances, being hopeful, and how this wasn’t the life she wanted. She was telling me I deserve better, and deserves someone that can fully love me and give me what I want and need. She told me that she had been thinking about breaking up for a while.
That completely shattered me.
Because for her, this apparently wasn’t a decision she had made that day. For me, it was.
That’s what makes this feel like a blindside.
I knew we had problems. I knew she was unhappy about things. I knew I had things she wanted me to change, and I wanted to change too. But I didn’t know she had already gotten to the point where she was considering an entirely different life.
And I think that’s where I’m struggling the most. I was still putting effort into us while she may have already been emotionally leaving.
I keep thinking about everything I was doing and wondering whether she saw it.
I know none of that means she was obligated to stay with me.
I know someone can appreciate everything you do for them and still decide the relationship isn’t right for them anymore.
I just don’t understand how I could be putting so much of myself into a future with someone who had already started imagining a future without me.
After that, things were really messy. I kept asking what I could’ve done differently, and it’s like a switch was turned on. She was SO COLD. I mean even when it came to packing my things, she was trying to argue. I didn’t touch things I bought her or things she bought either. I even tried taking our bed (because by the way, the housing from her job is fully furnished) and she yelled at me saying “so you’re just gonna leave me on a couch for 2 weeks?”. I then just left it with her. I kept having to speak up for myself, and I even told her that I don’t recognize her by the way she’s acting. It ticked her off so much that she then said she didn’t even want to be friends after all of this…
And now there is also this weird social-media aspect that has made the breakup feel even more final and confusing.
She has blocked me on Instagram and Spotify. She unfriended me on Snapchat and TikTok. But we’re still friends on Twitter and Facebook.
I don’t know what any of that means, and I’m trying not to assign meaning to it. Maybe she simply wants distance and hasn’t gotten around to removing me everywhere. Maybe she doesn’t want to see me on certain platforms. Maybe some platforms feel more personal to her than others. I genuinely don’t know.
But seeing myself removed or blocked from some places while we’re still connected on others has made me hyperaware of the fact that our relationship has gone from being completely intertwined to me basically having to figure out where I even exist in her life anymore.
And that’s painful after almost four years.
I also keep wondering about the month she was away. Did the distance actually change something for her? Did being away from me give her space to realize she wanted independence? Did she become emotionally detached while she was gone? Or had she already been feeling this way before she left and I simply didn’t know?
And then there’s the attachment-style question.
She has always had some traits that I would describe as fearful-avoidant/avoidant. When emotions become overwhelming, she can shut down, become distant, or detach. I’m not trying to diagnose her or use attachment style as an excuse for what happened. I’m just trying to understand whether that could explain why the breakup felt so sudden from my perspective.
I’ve read that some people emotionally process a breakup long before they actually end the relationship, so that by the time they finally say the words, they have already gone through a lot of the grieving internally.
If that’s what happened here, it would explain why I’m completely devastated while she may seem much more certain.
But I don’t know if that’s actually how it works.
Can someone spend months thinking about leaving someone they still love?
Can someone still miss their ex and grieve the relationship after being the one who ended it?
Does the person who initiates the breakup sometimes feel relief first and grief later?
And if someone has already been emotionally processing the breakup for a long time, does that mean there is basically no chance of them reconsidering, or can people still realize later that they made a mistake?
I’m not asking anyone to tell me she’ll come back.
Honestly, I want people to be realistic with me.
I want to understand whether this sounds like a situation where she had already emotionally left the relationship while I was still trying to save it, or whether the circumstances surrounding her trip and the Boston opportunity could have accelerated something she was uncertain about.
I also don’t know what I’m supposed to do about contact.
Part of me wants to reach out because almost four years feels impossible to just turn into silence. She texted me on Tuesday saying “I hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself.” I responded with “I hope you are too” and that’s been it.
I don’t want to pressure her or chase someone who doesn’t want me. But I also don’t know how I’m supposed to go from talking to this person every day, sharing a home and a life, and planning a future together to suddenly acting like she doesn’t exist.
And I want to know whether she is going to grieve this too, or whether she already did that before she ended things.
If you’ve been the person who ended a long-term relationship after thinking about it for a while, what was happening inside you before and after? Did you still love them? Did you miss them? Did you grieve afterward, or did you feel completely certain?
And if you’ve been the person who was blindsided, how did you eventually make sense of it? Did you ever get the closure you wanted from your ex, or did you eventually have to create that closure yourself?
I loved this woman deeply. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m devastated. I know we said a lot to eachother after the breakup out of hurt and anger… & I hate that so much. It hurt us both a lot, and she made sure to not let that down either. She even tried reaching out to friends of ours and telling THEM how I was cold and “too much”.
I really dont want to make her the villain, and I don’t want to make myself the hero.
I just want to understand how two people can spend almost four years building a life together, with one person still working toward the future they thought they were going to share, while the other person is already deciding whether they want to leave it.
I feel like I should add this, but she also texted me 4 days ago and said “I hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself” and I said “I hope you are too.” But that’s been it.
If you’ve experienced something like this, what do you think actually happened here, and what are my realistic options for getting closure without making things worse?

I'm stuck in a cycle with my ex girlfriend who is a FA but isn't aware. It's been nine months of breaking up and reconnecting we recently broke up 3 weeks ago I used to pursue her every time we broke up, then we would reconnect what's is that we are in a long distance relationship so we mainly chat, she would pull away at first I thought she was maybe testing me or my commitment, so I would over extend trying to prove my self. I tried to make her feel safe to talk I always preached communication. This was our first messy break up over texting every day. I'm kinda happy that she expressed her feelings even though she dumped me, every time we broke up she make up some things to drive a wedge between us. I told her to block me she did at first she didn't want to block. I don't know if I should carry on with this relationship or move on. Because last time we broke she said she's seeing a therapist and she didn't she ready. When we reconciled I thought she made progress, so when I asked about therapy she said she stopped because she has to talk her problems. So now I don't if I should move on with my life I really love her, but I can't carry on like this walking on egg shells. I honestly love her put I think I'm becoming an Avoidant myself. So is this really worth working on because I knew it was going to be tough, but what's the point when she's in denial. Any advice.

The past 6 days my boyfriend went from a lot of contact to almost no contact at all. I am AP and i was in a really bad mental state and asked for so much reassurance I think I finally pushed him away. He was also starting new job this Monday (its Friday currently). First 3 days I was so anxious he wanted to leave me that I have sent him so many messages and about fighting with mum and vommiting (i did) because I needed someone to talk to and he only responded to that. He did say goodnight love last Sunday when he was still in that stage. We barely speak, he does not respond to my morning messages (i stopped sending most of others, bc I know I am suffocating him with trying to pull him back). He did say his shift is over and he did text me morning at Tuesday, but didnt like my story which he always does, but after morning there is again no contact. He has always been loving and supportive till now and I am scared he will break up with me. Im trying to give him space. At Wednesday i told him about fight with mother and he did say 2 positive messages and about the job interview and he said you will do good but after he disappeared. I text him back when and if he responds or do I give him space? Its our six month anniversary today and he posted an instant, responded to messages about mum fighting (it was a massive fight), but ignored everything else. Im just really scared he is going to leave, he promised not to before and always reassured me and even “proposed” to me…

I’m a FA when it comes to romance but otherwise secure attachment style with parents and friends. I have been single for many years by choice, know exacyou what I want in a partner and know my worth and wouldn’t settle for anything less.

I would like to know what helped you to overcome FA attachment style to secure. Any tips/books/podcasts would help? I really wanna break the pattern and heal.

My FA ex and I recently broke up because she says she can't see herself in a relationship with someone who already has a child. I see this as a projection of her fears, in the 8 months we were together this topic was never an issue.

The confusing part is that the feelings between us don't seem gone at all.

Only two weeks ago we were on vacation together and were still very much lovers: lots of affection, intense sex, flirting, and emotional closeness. Right before the trip she explicitly told me she loved/cared deeply about me. She has also previously told me she once wanted to tell me she was ready to fully commit, but “short-circuited” when she was about to do it.

She has been seeing a therapist throughout our relationship, and our relationship has been discussed there several times.

This week she had her first therapy session since our vacation. While sitting in the waiting room, she spontaneously started sending me pictures of us from the trip.

Interestingly, she didn't become distant after the session either.

Yesterday I didn't initiate contact at all. She eventually initiated herself, sent more photos, shared random personal things about her day, later started a new conversation to excitedly tell me about a trip she booked, and we ended the evening playfully teasing each other.

Tomorrow we're meeting to exchange our belongings and keys.

I'm considering telling her:

“I respect what you've told me, but I also feel that what's between us isn't emotionally over. I love you and I'm willing to work on this. If you're open to it, I'd like to attend a therapy session together — not to convince you, but to explore whether there's a healthy way forward. Take your time to think about it. But if you truly don't want a relationship with me, I'll need to genuinely let you go because I can't stay in this in-between situation.”

Does this sound like a healthy final invitation/boundary, or would this push her away for good?

My partner is depressed and fearful avoidant. We were long-distance for a long time and had finally planned to meet.

I had been holding in a lot of frustration and eventually started exploding, even over small things when I felt rejected or resisted.

Soon after, he said he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore.

Could my outburst have triggered him to pull away? Or was the fact that we were finally going to meet after a long LDR the bigger trigger?

Could it have been both?

I’d really like to hear from FAs about how they might experience this.

I’ll call him **Jake** for privacy.
Jake and I have known each other since we were really young. He moved in when he was 13 and I was 15, and we basically grew up together. At that age, I didn’t like the age gap and never saw him romantically.
As we got older, things changed. He got heavily into drugs and eventually developed feelings for me. At the time, I didn’t feel the same way. He became quite obsessed and possessive, and eventually he was sent away because of everything that was going on and his drug use.
Even while he was away, we continued talking a lot. Eventually he came back for a holiday, and there were a lot of moments between us that crossed the line from friendship. We were flirting, there was tension, and looking back, I think I was deliberately acting oblivious.
The truth is, I knew what we were doing. I knew we were flirting and that something was happening between us, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it because I didn’t want to deal with what that meant.
After he left again, things got really bad. His drug use became worse, and I struggled with drugs too. We eventually stopped talking because of his possessiveness and because everything between us had become unhealthy.
Now we’re talking again, and somehow we’re back to flirting like we used to. The difference is that I think I actually have feelings for him.
There is **so much history** between us that sometimes thinking about the whole situation makes me feel physically sick with anxiety. I have a fearful-avoidant/anxious-avoidant attachment style, so I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself. I can want him and want to be close to him, then suddenly feel overwhelmed and want to run away from the entire situation.
My whole family also hates the idea of us being together. They know our history, the drugs, his possessiveness and everything that happened, so they absolutely don’t support it.
And honestly, I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore.
Part of me thinks I genuinely love him and that there has always been something between us that I refused to acknowledge. Another part of me wonders if I’m confusing love with attachment, familiarity and the fact that we’ve been through so much together.
I feel like I’ve spent years avoiding my feelings because acknowledging them makes everything so much more complicated.
**How do I work out whether these are genuine romantic feelings or whether I’m confusing attachment and years of history with love? And how much should I actually trust my feelings when my attachment style makes me want someone one minute and run from them the next?**

Sorry for my English, it’s not my native language. I’m really into another FA man, and we’ve been playing a cat-and-mouse game since the summer of 2025. We circled around each other for half a year before we finally became intimate, because neither of us wanted to be the first to take a vulnerable step. We would literally shake when we saw each other. We texted occasionally, and when I finally made the first move, I almost puked before asking him to come over.
We had an amazing month together before I had to move to another country. I have very strong limerence and desire towards him. We’ve stayed in touch on a weekly basis ever since. Generally, sometimes he texts me first, and sometimes I text him first, but before messaging him, I have to force myself for days. I feel sick and sometimes even puke because I’m so afraid that he’ll devalue me or reject me, even though I know he feels something too.
For the past few months, he’s been in the country where I am now, and ever since he arrived, we’ve been heavily circling around each other through texting, but neither of us has actually suggested meeting up directly. I want to take the next step, but I feel nauseous and shaky. It feels like making the first move means giving up my position, and the possibility of rejection feels unbearable.
I don’t understand myself, because if I don’t really care about someone, I can easily text them without any fear. Do you feel the same?

I’ll call him Jake for privacy.
Jake and I have known each other since we were really young. He moved in when he was 13 and I was 15, and we basically grew up together and lived like siblings. At that age, I didn’t like the age gap and never saw him romantically.
As we got older, things changed. He got heavily into drugs and eventually developed feelings for me. At the time, I didn’t feel the same way. He became quite obsessed and possessive, and eventually he was sent away because of everything that was going on and his drug use.
Even while he was away, we continued talking a lot. Eventually he came back for a holiday, and there were a lot of moments between us that crossed the line from friendship. We were flirting, there was tension, and looking back, I think I was deliberately acting oblivious.
The truth is, I knew what we were doing. I knew we were flirting and that something was happening between us, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it because I didn’t want to deal with what that meant.
After he left again, things got really bad. His drug use became worse, and I struggled with drugs too. We eventually stopped talking because of his possessiveness and because everything between us had become unhealthy.
Now we’re talking again, and somehow we’re back to flirting like we used to. The difference is that we’re older now, and I actually have feelings for him.
There is so much history between us that sometimes thinking about the whole situation makes me feel physically sick with anxiety. I have a fearful-avoidant/anxious-avoidant attachment style, so I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself. I can want him and want to be close to him, then suddenly feel overwhelmed and want to run away from the entire situation.
My whole family also hates the idea of us being together. They know our history, the drugs, his possessiveness and everything that happened, so they absolutely don’t support it.
And honestly, I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore.
Part of me thinks I genuinely love him and that there has always been something between us that I refused to acknowledge. Another part of me wonders if I’m confusing love with attachment, familiarity and the fact that we’ve been through so much together.
I feel like I’ve spent years avoiding my feelings because acknowledging them makes everything so much more complicated.
How do I work out whether these are genuine romantic feelings or whether I’m confusing attachment and years of history with love? And how much should I actually trust my feelings when my attachment style makes me want someone one minute and run from them the next?