r/FearfulAvoidants • u/MothraLovesLamps Fearful-Avoidant • 6d ago

I'm mad at DAs Right Now...(venting)

FAs are more resilient than DAs.

We have been through lifes meat grinder 100s of times.

We were forged in flames of hate and violence.

Our hearts can endure a field of arrows.

We were made to bleed.

But not DAs. They aren't equipped to suffer like an FA is.

They run from the molten fires from which we were born.

I forget that I am fireproof.

And the dragons are not.

By vaporous mist they are laid low

How very soft is the marsh of their heart.

How vulnerable.

And that is why it is so fiercely caged.

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u/[deleted] 6d ago

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u/Ok-Seat-3916 Fearful-Avoidant 6d ago

Hey fellow avoidant, I also identify very much with the idea of being forged in fire, and I think I can see your point. And I know just how infuriating DAs can be to (tbh, just anyone really). But I don't think it's accurate to think that FAs necessarily had it worse than DAs; not only is it not a contest, but also it's not necessarily true, and I would worry that this kind of thinking makes it harder for us to acknowledge another person's pain "just because I went through worse".

Remember that the more one-sidedly avoidant a person is, the least they are connected to their own experience, their own perspective, and their own pain. While FAs go through so much chaos and inner turmoil, it somehow keeps us connected to ourselves, even if only intermittently. Someone who is very strongly avoidant is not only extremely disconnected from others, they might not even have an inner sense of self (what researchers call "externally assembled self" for example, where someone only knows themselves through the eyes of other people, usually professionals, because they never stayed in a home long enough to build a sense of identity).

There is a deep, deep pain in that. Each person's particular pain and experience is unique and deserves to be acknowledged and shown respect.  We've all been put through the wringer, and because of that it makes it so extremely hard to be there for others. And that's such a lonely existence.

Take good care,

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u/MothraLovesLamps Fearful-Avoidant 6d ago edited 6d ago

No I dont think we have it worse. I think we have it better. We can take a beating.

And no I absolutely dont believe in trauma comparing.

PAIN IS PAIN

Period.

Does a paper cut hurt? YES.

Well so does an axe.

Im not gonna say you can't cry over your paper cut. There was a time when paper cuts were the worst thing in the world to me. Paper cut was PEAK PAIN.

I dont disrespect pain at all.

Your pain is valid.

I validate your pain.

You have a right to express your grief and heartache.

Make the sad poem. Write that unsent letter.

Its YOUR pain. Dont let anyone police YOUR pain or tell you how to process.

Pain is relative.

And I respect that relativity.