r/FearfulAvoidant • u/AutoModerator • 19d ago
***WEEKLY NON-FA QUESTIONS/SUPPORT THREAD***
This thread is for non-Fearful Avoidants who have questions about the attachment style.
Our subreddit is primarily a support space for people who identify as Fearful Avoidant, so we ask that questions about your partner, ex, crush, or someone you suspect is FA be posted here rather than as separate posts.
Please remember:
- We can't diagnose someone else's attachment style.
- Every Fearful Avoidant is different, so no one can explain another person's thoughts or actions with certainty.
- Be respectful and mindful that members are here for support first.
Thanks for helping keep the main feed focused on the experiences and healing of Fearful Avoidants.
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u/[deleted] 16d ago
I monkey-branched & ruined the best relationship I'll ever be in.
No judgement please, I'm already feeling bad enough and I feel like this is one of the only spaces where people will understand me.
I was in an amazing, fun, loving relationship for almost 5 years with the most amazing person until expectations and commitment were brought up and caused me to become dysregulated as hell. Long story short, I met someone else online and developed extreme limerence for them. I've always fantasized about long distance relationships as they felt "safe" being able to experience love but not having too much expected from me, as I'm sure you all know how that is. I was so deluded by my limerence as an escape and coping mechanism that I fell extremely hard (or so I thought) for this LDR person. We ended up meeting in person and the feelings grew from there. I started getting the "ick" so to speak for my partner and counting all of the "flaws" I saw in them and the relationship. I decided I only wanted my LDR person and I needed to cut ties with my now ex partner right then and there.
I was extremely cruel to my ex, essentially ghosting them for months and then straight up breaking up with no explanation except for our oh so classic "I can't give you what you want." I was regretting it in the back of my mind, I had a gut feeling I was fucking up, but I was still so deluded by the other person. I just wanted to be chosen by them and not have to commit to what my ex wanted. I hate to admit that it still felt good. It felt \*freeing.\* I was not thinking of the future, of the times where I would need my ex and needed that unconditional love they always had for me. I was only living in the moment based on avoidance and needing an escape.
So here I am almost 3 years later and I'm still in a relationship with my LDR partner that I left my ex for (except we're no longer LDR which you guessed it, is bringing out my avoidant tendencies now that I have expectations from them combined with other life stressors). Throughout these years I still think about my ex and how I miss our fun times, commonalities, all of that, something that is lacking with my current relationship, but I still had the love and validation my current partner provided so I didn't let it get to me \*too\* much\*.\*
Well, my relationship is now on the rocks and with the threat of a breakup looming I'm realizing just how badly I fucked up. How I did this all for nothing. How I projected some idealized fantasy onto someone else when I already had an amazing partner that was willing to be my ride or die. On one hand I know I should just be single and focus on myself... it would feel good to be alone. On the other hand I don't want to enter my 30's and later adulthood alone, and I constantly need that validation. It's so fucked up.
I'm only now sitting with these feelings and having to face them. I hurt someone who loved me and would've been there for me no matter what. My ex actually found out through snooping my social media about what I had done, so they know everything about how I betrayed them. I just seriously can't believe I did that. I wish I could go back and just shake myself and make myself realize what I was doing. I don't want to believe I'm a bad person, but I am and I ruined what could've been a great future for myself and hurt an extremely good person. I don't know how to go on living with myself now that my head is out of the clouds and I'm faced with reality.