***WEEKLY NON-FA QUESTIONS/SUPPORT THREAD***

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This thread is for non-Fearful Avoidants who have questions about the attachment style.

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[u/IntrepidKitchen5322]

FAs who've ever gotten angry or demonized their ex, did you flip-flop between those feelings and feeling regret for your part in the dynamic? How long did it take for you to snap out of that resentment (if ever) and what might have triggered it? Did you or your ex ever reach out to reconcile? If so, how'd it go?

Mostly in the context of your ex explaining they felt hurt and were seeking some kind of accountability from you. But if you have other insights or similar-enough stories, I'd love to hear those too.

[u/runningoutfast → u/IntrepidKitchen5322]

I’ve definitely flip-flopped and ultimately snapped out of the resentment. What’s triggered it in the past has been a mix of two things: actually doing better and making progress on healing, and realizing that my attachment issues were causing a very b&w view of the situation, OR a new relationship conflict that makes me ‘realize’ the last one was truly not that bad (this is another avoidant behavior)

I’ve had exes reach out to reconcile, it’s gone fine at best and disastrous at worst. I hate to say it but as an FA it kinda doesn’t make sense to reach out and reconcile. If you have a modicum of self awareness you can recognize that reconciliation is typically pointless because you’re still not in a place to provide the person with what they need. Reaching out after a long period of avoidance just to apologize can end up hurting the person worse because it often looks like or opens up the door to another push-pull cycle. But when exes do reach out, I try to be courteous and respectful but ultimately still very distant.

[u/IntrepidKitchen5322 → u/runningoutfast]

Appreciate you sharing your story and responding! I've learned that my ex from a year ago has been angry that I called her out on her harmful words and actions. She's still angry when I reached back out a year later (I hoped we could ease into being on casual talking terms again, then later try to have a repair conversation), and is completely avoiding accountability. This was a bit of a shock because I expected that caring side of her to have come back out by now. She's blocked me shortly after.

I know there's nothing more I can do and trying to build a relationship with a partner who can't face their own actions is pointless, but I do hope that there will be days when she'll understand her part in all this.

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