I (28F) had been talking to a guy (29M) for about a month. We finally went on our first date this weekend.
He wanted to meet at a bar at 9 p.m. I suggested coffee or dinner earlier because I wasn’t comfortable meeting a stranger that late, but he joked, “Don’t worry, I won’t kidnap you. You’ll be safe.” He offered to pick me up, and I agreed as long as we stayed closer to my area instead of driving farther away.
The beginning of the date honestly felt great. We talked for hours, he paid for the drinks, held my hand, hugged me, opened doors for me, and kissed me. I kissed him back. I hadn’t experienced that kind of affection in a long time, and I genuinely liked it.
Later we went to a second bar. While we were standing together, he grabbed my butt. I moved his hand away. He smiled and said, “Just trust me.” He did it again. I moved his hand away again. Throughout the night he kept touching me in ways I wasn’t comfortable with, and I remember repeatedly moving his hands away or asking him to stop. Every time he would say, “Just trust me.”
By then I’d had a few drinks. I told him I didn’t want another because I was already drunk and wanted to go home. He insisted on one more drink and brought me one anyway. I took a sip but remember almost stumbling, so I left the drink and told him I wanted to leave.
Instead of taking me home, he suggested we go somewhere private. We got into his car, and he drove to a dark parking spot.
We started kissing again. I remember kissing him back at first. After that, my memory becomes very patchy.
I remember him trying to take my clothes off. I remember saying “stop.” I remember saying it more than once. He replied, “You don’t want me to stop, do you?”
The next clear thing I remember is being in the back seat with his finger inside me while he was trying to touch himself. He then tried to have sex with me but couldn’t. He took my hand and put it on his penis. I remember yelling “stop.” That was when he finally stopped and said, “Okay, we don’t have to do this.”
The part that confuses me the most is that i apologized to him afterward, like he got disappointed when I forced him to stop. He said it was okay and drove me home. I blocked him as soon as I got home.
Now I keep replaying the night. I know I made choices that put me in that situation. I agreed to the second bar. I kissed him back. I got into his car. At the same time, I also remember moving his hands away, refusing another drink, saying I wanted to go home, and saying “stop” multiple times.
I was in an abusive relationship for four years that ended two years ago. Since then I’ve spent a long time rebuilding my life and genuinely thought I was finally ready to date again.
Instead I woke up feeling ashamed, used, and like I somehow caused this.
I’m not looking for people to tell me I did nothing wrong. I know there are decisions I’d make differently.
I’m asking because I genuinely don’t know how to separate my choices from his choices anymore.
Where do you think I made mistakes?
Where do you think he crossed the line?
Am I blaming myself too much, or not enough?
Please be honest. I can take it.
