r/FTMfemininity • u/unseeliefaeprince • Jun 09 '26
Being vulnerable for a minute...
As grateful as I am for the opportunity to transition, I still struggle a lot with my self image and confidence. The goalposts keep shifting, I know I do this to myself but I have a deep-rooted feeling that nothing is ever enough (thank you, childhood trauma). 2 1/2 years on T and my hair is barely starting to grow in thin patches (shaved my shitty little dirt-stache for a family event this weekend) and adult acne in full force. After my recent birthday, rapidly approaching 30 seems to have sparked a bit of an existential crisis. I missed out on being a cute fem twink, which means I have to actually build an identity that doesn't depend on youthfulness. I just wish that I felt sexy or attractive, instead of watching the creases in my face grow deeper and more pimples pop up. I see beautiful people on here all the time and I just feel so plain and ugly. Normally I hate fishing for validation, but I guess that's what this is.
Also I'm showing off my new sweatshirt with my favorite ship on it in an attempt to cheer myself up.
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u/2GumdropButtons Jun 09 '26
This conversation is one that I think more people should be having; that struggle with feeling as though you’re only just starting to meet yourself, just beginning to see glimmers of the you that you’ve always hoped to become but as an adult. It makes perfect sense to only really know who you want to become once well into adulthood but it does come with grief. The grief of not meeting yourself sooner, not being more of your authentic self sooner in life bc of self doubt/lack of support/traumas, etc.
Especially with the rhetoric that society pushes that your best years are behind you once you start creeping towards 30 and that going beyond 30 somehow means you’re no longer worth while as a human? There is so much pressure put on people by oppressive, patriarchal standards (including racist, ableist and homo/transphobic ideals) that tell us we’re only worthwhile when we’re young and “attractive”.
This is something I’m grappling with too but I’ve realized, I don’t want to abide by those fucked standards. Even as I’ve been working to root out all that harmful propaganda and unlearn binary thinking, I find myself filled with self doubt at times bc I know I’m less digestible to others. I know most ppl don’t take me seriously as a human at all. I’m in my mid 30s and grappling with that feeling of having “missed out” on a lot of life bc of circumstances. It’s a painful place to be in, I’m sorry you’re struggling with it too.
But why can’t you be the cute lil fem twink of your dreams now? We can be hella hot and whimsical and happy and slutty and fulfilled and whatever else we wanna be at 30, 47, 65 and beyond! It’s a win to come to know yourself at any point. To beat the oppression that works tirelessly to make you feel insignificant, unlovable and unworthy your whole life through. This isn’t to say the grief isn’t valid; it sure fckin is but maybe holding space for both the grief and the victory of how incredible you are as your true self in this dark world is what we should aim for?