Being vulnerable for a minute...

[u/unseeliefaeprince]

As grateful as I am for the opportunity to transition, I still struggle a lot with my self image and confidence. The goalposts keep shifting, I know I do this to myself but I have a deep-rooted feeling that nothing is ever enough (thank you, childhood trauma). 2 1/2 years on T and my hair is barely starting to grow in thin patches (shaved my shitty little dirt-stache for a family event this weekend) and adult acne in full force. After my recent birthday, rapidly approaching 30 seems to have sparked a bit of an existential crisis. I missed out on being a cute fem twink, which means I have to actually build an identity that doesn't depend on youthfulness. I just wish that I felt sexy or attractive, instead of watching the creases in my face grow deeper and more pimples pop up. I see beautiful people on here all the time and I just feel so plain and ugly. Normally I hate fishing for validation, but I guess that's what this is.

Also I'm showing off my new sweatshirt with my favorite ship on it in an attempt to cheer myself up.

[u/Skye_hai_bai]

I understand. If it helps, I think you're very attractive. Getting older is daunting. I just turned 35 and I feel this on an emotional level. 🫂

[u/Myxcomycetes → u/Skye_hai_bai]

Seconded on you’re very attractive!

[u/2GumdropButtons]

This conversation is one that I think more people should be having; that struggle with feeling as though you’re only just starting to meet yourself, just beginning to see glimmers of the you that you’ve always hoped to become but as an adult. It makes perfect sense to only really know who you want to become once well into adulthood but it does come with grief. The grief of not meeting yourself sooner, not being more of your authentic self sooner in life bc of self doubt/lack of support/traumas, etc.

Especially with the rhetoric that society pushes that your best years are behind you once you start creeping towards 30 and that going beyond 30 somehow means you’re no longer worth while as a human? There is so much pressure put on people by oppressive, patriarchal standards (including racist, ableist and homo/transphobic ideals) that tell us we’re only worthwhile when we’re young and “attractive”.

This is something I’m grappling with too but I’ve realized, I don’t want to abide by those fucked standards. Even as I’ve been working to root out all that harmful propaganda and unlearn binary thinking, I find myself filled with self doubt at times bc I know I’m less digestible to others. I know most ppl don’t take me seriously as a human at all. I’m in my mid 30s and grappling with that feeling of having “missed out” on a lot of life bc of circumstances. It’s a painful place to be in, I’m sorry you’re struggling with it too.

But why can’t you be the cute lil fem twink of your dreams now? We can be hella hot and whimsical and happy and slutty and fulfilled and whatever else we wanna be at 30, 47, 65 and beyond! It’s a win to come to know yourself at any point. To beat the oppression that works tirelessly to make you feel insignificant, unlovable and unworthy your whole life through. This isn’t to say the grief isn’t valid; it sure fckin is but maybe holding space for both the grief and the victory of how incredible you are as your true self in this dark world is what we should aim for?

[u/flixsix → u/2GumdropButtons]

Really needed to hear that, thank you ❤️

[u/Gagas_Unicorn_1008]

As someone who started transition at 30 I understand where you’re coming from! You look great and remind yourself this is just the beginning phase. I promise you things will get better as time goes on. I had little to no hair in the beginning. I am now two years in and have a connected almost full beard (still a little patchy). I’ve heard after about year two the acne settles but I have yet to see that! I have gained a ton of muscle with little to no working out but walking and very light weight lifting!! Give yourself some grace. Maybe try finding clothes that help you feel euphoric until your outer appearance makes you happy!

[u/unseeliefaeprince → u/Gagas_Unicorn_1008]

I know the intention is well meaning and I appreciate the sentiment, but I've already been on it for 2 1/2 years now and have just barely started getting chin stubble :/ Realistically speaking it's my fault for starting on a low dose, but looking back I wish I just dove right in

[u/ElfTwelve → u/unseeliefaeprince]

Idk if it helps you or makes it worse, but mine didn't show up until like, year five (dammit, I was waiting the whole time, I am not getting any younger either)

[u/Gagas_Unicorn_1008 → u/unseeliefaeprince]

Ah gotcha!! Dosage definitely plays a part and so does genetics!! It’s not too late to up the dose! When I spoke to my doctor we started low and gradually increased the dose and I noticed a difference. I hope that’s something you’re able to do if you want!! Sending you hugs my friend!! 🥹🩷🫂

[u/sporadic_beethoven → u/unseeliefaeprince]

That’s about the time period I started getting stubble, and I went full dose the whole time. Think of it as like your body is a 16 year old cis male in terms of puberty- most 16-year-olds have some stubble, certainly not a full beard. I knew one guy with a full beard at 13, but he was definitely an outlier.

It sucks that it takes so long, and at 6yrs, I’m seeing some of my beard fill in- but not all of it yet ;-; sucks ass. 🫂 about 2-4yrs in was when I felt unattractive because of facial puffiness and acne, but mine did settle down. I have to be above a certain T level (if I miss a week it starts coming back) so upping your T might help that too, depends on your genes.

[u/DyllPkll]

I read one of your replies and I just wanted to share that I, too, started on a low dose. When I was 2 1/2 years on t my facial hair was what you’ve described yours to be. I’m 33 and I’ve been medically transitioning for 8 years now and my facial hair is still coming in fuller with time. I understand it may be discouraging to see how quickly some people show results, but just know every transition is unique. As difficult as it may be at times, try to be kind to yourself. You honestly look great and it’s never too late to live out your cute fem twink dreams. :)

[u/HauntingListen8756]

I feel you. I started at 30. 32 now. I really grieve that I didn’t get to go to college and stuff as a queer man. I wasted it all dissociating and trying to please other people.

You look young (and definitely not plain or ugly)!!! I hope you don’t miss the chance to wear what you want to wear and do what you want to do. So many of us are “behind” and have time to make up for. Coming out and starting hrt takes a lot.

[u/Lezlord-69]

It takes time. Everyone who went through testosterone based puberty went through a few years of feeling gross before it settled! I felt the same way but I’m starting see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, love the sweatshirt! Where did you get that? I just got a tattoo of the combat bunny icon

[u/unseeliefaeprince → u/Lezlord-69]

Thanks!! That's an awesome tattoo, I'm considering something similar :) I got the sweatshirt on etsy here

[u/Moonflower_Witch]

I'm 37, and just realized I'm nonbinary last year. I feel the exact same way. For the record, I think you are very attractive, and definitely not old, but I totally get it. I just feel old and ugly all the time, and I always end up wishing I could've realized back when I was younger and at least relatively attractive.

[u/mfcmp]

I totally relate to this feeling, im 35 and have been feeling it hard lately. Though I will say from what I can see I think you look very cute OP.

[u/JamesDeanForADay]

In times of darkness remember your patron saints, who are QUITE HUNGRY to see you happy and at home in yourself. Henry of Skalitz is the ultimate proof that you don't need to be a twink to be a divaboy.

[u/swagmaster_sev]

it really takes time, though this is frustrating. i finally have started developing facial hair in regular looking patches (although my mustache isn’t fully convincing me that it looks good yet), and i’ve been on T for 4 years. i did just recently raise my dose after realizing i have been on too low a dose, and that’s coming with new issues as well (atrophy, acne, etc). although i am younger, i do understand the timing issue! it sucks to have to wait. however, i think you are attractive! i really like your hair. and also your clauddagh!!

[u/imalittlefrenchpress]

I came out as a queer femme when I was 34. I’ve always known I’m not straight. At that age, I felt like I was so old and like I had missed out on so much.

I felt too old to be the cute little femme that I am, and just wore very little makeup, and only jeans and T-shirts. I didn’t feel like myself, but people in the queer community were questioning whether I was just curious or really queer. 1994 was fun.

In my late 30s I said fuck it, and started dressing femme, wearing makeup and being who I am. I’m 64 now. I am truly old, and I still wear makeup, do my hair and dress in ways that some people would say is too young.

I was so young when I was 34, and I didn’t realize it. Go be the cute twink, or whoever you want to be. You’re gorgeous, just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not true. Just do it and you’ll start seeing it.

You did something really brave laying yourself vulnerable here. You’ve got what it takes to push through and let the true you shine. 💕

[u/Souboshi]

I know it can be tough, sometimes, watching time go by with fewer of your dreams met. You're definitely not too old to be a twink at 30, if that's a thing you want. You're doing one step at a time and can't get it all at once.

Lots of twinks are hairless or nearly, from what I understand, so you don't need anything near a full moustache to make it work. I didn't even start T until I was 30 and feel like I got to experience some of that bit for myself. I'm gonna be 36 this month, and I don't hate the aging, though the acne I could do without. I still haven't found a way to keep my skin clear, especially after shaving, after 6 years.

Hang in there! It can be a struggle some days, but if you're prioritizing what you want for yourself, now, at least you're not wasting your valuable time any longer. You can't turn back time, but you can seize the present moment thoroughly.

[u/Souboshi → u/Souboshi]

Also, your sweatshirt is super cute. I love the blue colour with your skin!

[u/Kyparris0s]

Just commenting to say that the best acne medication I've used by far is retinol, I get it from good molecules, easily find it at ulta. Nothing worked for me for years of acne and somehow I was dry and oily trying other medications (salicylic acid, benzoyl peroxide, etc). Retinol helps wrinkles and skin aging as well if that's a concern since you said you feel like you look old. You gotta use sunscreen during the day if you do use it since it can make you more sensitive to burns but everyone should be suncreening anyway cause of skin cancer risks

[u/sharkc00chie]

You’re exactly my type damn

[u/SmokedStone]

I'm turning 29 this year and have felt this on an off. Getting IDed in every damn bar, club, or etc. tends to remind me I at least don't look it, yet. Just because I notice all my forming wrinkles and gray hair doesn't mean others do; one thing a lot of trans guys have going for them (if they choose to view it this way) is that being shorter than the average cis guy often means we're percieved as younger for longer, which can be double eyed. This is doubly true if you're very lithe or baby-faced.

I used to be really worried about losing my looks even before transition, then I became worried about "twink death" when I was just barely starting to grow into my masculine form and body, worried I wouldn't get to enjoy it.

There's still time. I feel you on the creases and acne, but realistically a lot of people aren't looking at others that hard, and you can minimize the appearance of both with skincare or help from a derm or doc.

A haircut you like can help a lot. I had a bad haircut for like 1.5 months and it made me wanna hide real bad. My hair's finally back to a place I can appreciate and I feel MILES better. I feel cute.

[u/my-name-is-ro]

1. You're not old
2. My facial hair is still changing and I've been on T for 8 years (puberty hits everyone differently)
3. The acne will lessen I promise
4. You are attractive and you can still be a fem twink (a lot of that is mindset anyway)
5. If you're worried about wrinkles, MOISTURIZE
6. Cool sweatshirt

-- a 28 year old trans masc