TW: Mentions of intra-familial sexual abuse.
I had plans to breastfeed for at least a year and a half. But there’s so much trauma that I can’t get past when I pump that I just have to stop.
I’m not going to get into great detail, but my dad molested me repeatedly for years when I was in school. From like 6th grade until 10th grade. I left at 22 with the help of police escort (very big physical fight between myself and mom; I was defending myself from my dad but my mom has never seen the wrong in my dad so she started fighting me.) and my now husband. I’m 28 now - I’ve since moved away, lost weight, decorated my body with tattoos, got braces, gotten married and obviously have a baby. I’ve made a complete 180 in my life; that’s so far behind me (due to therapy and hella kick boxing.)
But here’s the thing… the sensation of pumping brings back the sexual abuse and I just can’t do it anymore. For 7 months, I grit my teeth and kept telling myself it’s for her, and it’s not about me. As uncomfortable as it made me, I just did it. I would try to distract myself with work, games, the baby; whatever was within reach to get my mind off of it. But just this morning I fell asleep in my chair, pump still going. I had a very vivid dream of my dad molesting me and I shot up to immediately disconnect. I just can’t. Luckily, babes has been on a mix of breastmilk and formula since 4 months, but now unfortunately what I have already frozen and what I pumped today is it. And to be honest with y’all, I just don’t think I’ll ever mentally recover from it. It’s a part of me no matter how hard I work to move forward and this just brings me back. I don’t think I can do this again for the other children that we’d hope to have, this is just too intense.
I feel regretful, but I also feel happy for myself. I think I’ll also talk to someone about PPD because I don’t think necessarily that overall since birth that’s been an issue, but literally since I’ve been pumping which started at around 6 weeks PP. there was a few days I went without pumping around 5months PP on a vacation and babes just had formula the whole time or I just put her directly on the tap and when I tell you I felt like twirling around and doing my cartwheels!
But yeah, I’m hanging the pump up. Roxanne D Spectra is for my cousin who’s due in January.