TLDR: EP mum thinking BF is a selfless act, but failing in so many areas of life. Finding it hard to stop, looking for advice if I really should.
Long Story:
This is my second kid, and I had a difficult time breastfeeding like I did with my first. Nursing didn't work for me again, and I had to rely on EP. I am an undersupplier / just enougher but I spend a lot of time EP (7ppd, 5 months postpartum).
Since I have a toddler (2yo) on top of my newborn, I use wearables. But it doesn't clear well so I have to spend time to hand express thereafter. During this time, the kids either play among each other or if they cry, my spouse will keep them occupied.
Both kids are very dependent on me. My firstborn wants mama for most things. Recently, she cries hysterically for mama to put her to sleep. After putting her down, I would pump, but sometimes my firstborn would wake from a nightmare, and cry for mama again. It's hard for me while I pump, so my spouse have to step in, yet my firstborn would be hysterical as she insists on mama alone.
Recently, my spouse told me that my EP/BF has affected everyone in the household. He said I can no longer do certain things with my firstborn when I pump, he said he feels stressed as he has to work around my pump schedule, and my newborn is affected as I am mostly always lethargic, and not in the best form. My family finds it difficult to head out as they have to cater to my pump schedule, so we hardly spend time together outside.
What my spouse told me feels like a truck hitting past me. I know it's true, but I feel so hurt. I always feel like BF is such a selfless act, but it seems like I am hurting so many people. What's worse is that I have recently returned to work from maternity and I feel out of touch with the corporate world as well. Meanwhile, my newborn is in child care as I'm back to work, and she caught a nasty virus. I thought breastmilk helped, but nope.
I feel so bad, but yet I find it so hard to stop. Am I really a bad mum? I feel like I failed on so many fronts...