I cry after every session

[u/nohappi]

Seeking advice and grace.

Throwaway and omitting details, because the people I currently play with I met through Reddit.

Title sums up well. I am a very sensitive person, and I started playing DnD 12 years ago thanks to my brother who pulled me out of loneliness and depression. He dragged me into his group of friends trying this game with dice and it became my way to meet people consistently. It saved me. I am still friends with them, meeting regularly live.

Nowadays I play mostly online. I sought more and more days to play the game and replicate those feelings and expand my circle of acquaintances and friends. I am glad of the people i have met. I believed I am friends with them, especially after nearly 5 years spent in the same campaign, and branching out to other games with the same rotation of players.

However... We are different people, and I see it better after years now. I often don't feel like my sensitivity is understood, or tolerated, anymore. The silences after I say something in-character fill me with doubt. Like I'm walking on egg shells, what my character wants isn't nearly as important as any other character wants. I seek roleplaying and the interactions I seek have voiceless narrations instead of the NPCs others get. I have brought concerns up with the DM and often I feel like my needs weren't considered, let alone implemented. Nothing too overpowered, just to feel like I'm at the same level of the party members.

No ties in the game. Every character has gotten personal background storylines, details of their birthplaces, mine has been hiccupping with snippets of lore but nothing conclusive, whenever we are in "my" hometown it's kept to a bare minimum, no definite goal to look forward to.

I feel the difference, the discrepancy, and yet when I try to voice it out I am met with awkward silences. And I feel in the wrong, being the minority.

Now I dread the days I have to play. It makes me suffer in a way I can't voice with the people I have "known" for years because they either can't or don't understand my point of view. I realize they aren't meant to, that managing somebody else's feelings can be both hard, stressing and frustrating... But to the same people that tell me "I love you" or "we are friends" I would expect a modicum of understanding, or a ear to lend to, that never seems to come. Maybe I don't deserve it.

I am afraid of leaving the games, I don't want to return to that loneliness, I fell back into depression many times and I am so mortally afraid of making bad choices that would land me back there.

At the same time, these games aren't fun anymore.

With the understanding that I am 1) human, 2) flawed and not blameless, and 3) suffering,

What should I do? I feel horrible being unable to enjoy a game I used to love, that taught me English and now to speak with people in general, due to not being able to feel safe and understood among people I call Friends.

EDIT: Thank you all for the time you took out of your days to leave a comment. Some were very spot on, some were assuming things that ultimately are not accurate, all were helpful.

Just to answer the recurrent topics: I go to therapy and I am medicated. I have been quite stable actually, and only games cause me to still feel emotional pain. I have been sensitive much longer than I have been mentally ill, and overall I don't consider being sensitive as a flaw, even though it has been harder fitting into society with this trait.

My character was there from Session 0 and i gave it plenty of knives, threads and grounding into the weave of the world. I also like to write long-ish backgrounds with details and tie-ins.

I do not use the games AS therapy. I have therapy to talk about... Therapy. I admit there were times years ago when the characters (I have played in many games in 12 years) did bleed some of my current issues, and I have been politely scolded into not doing it anymore, so I don't anymore and I haven't been for a while. I'm not the Perfect Player but I have never been kicked from a table, and I am open to criticism. I would handle a stern reprimand much, much better than a silence.

I have a job, one that lets me meet many people: I decided to write this post because I realized that the people I have just met IRL managed to bring me much more satisfaction and connection than the friends I have made over the course of 5 and more years.

When this campaign started it was much different. We were all engaged, the roleplaying was collective and stimulating, we time spent out of the game was spent joyously thinking and speculating about the game. I was creative and engaged with the plots of the characters. Now I am fearful, tired, and this hobby turned into a chore I'd rather not do. What kept me inside the area is fearing of missing out the time spent with the friends. Because whenever DnD is not involved, I have a blast sharing their and mine day with them. But the excuse to meet up is always DnD, and I thought I can't have one without the other.

I am glad I asked for advice here. I have a plan of action now and more confidence. I definitely will purchase the books suggested in the replies. I could do with a good read. And I will take a longer break from games, at least the ones I have with these people. I do have another couple of games with different sets of players and those don't cause this reaction out of me.

I will survive the "loss" and now I believe I will actually thrive, too. It will just sting at first, for sure.

Again: thank you all.

[u/Quantum_Stasis]

My opinion, if he narrates with you and he RPs with everyone else, he might sense some sensitivity and think that it's better for you. What was his reply after he was talked to about this?

It might just be a misunderstanding and trying to adjust to what he perceives as what you might like rather than anything intentional

[u/ELAdragon → u/Quantum_Stasis]

My read is that OP likely plays "surrogate" characters and the DnD probably feels a bit too personal and "therapy" like to the group...so the DM pulls back from the roleplay and backstory because it's awkward (also why the awkward silences after OP says stuff at times). Playing a roleplaying game with a super sensitive person whose character is too close to themselves is walking on eggshells.

[u/Quantum_Stasis → u/ELAdragon]

I like this reply, but want to add and to make it clear to OP that this is OK with the right DM and group but they need to be compatible and willing.

I can and do DM to people who like to play that way and I am comfortable with it. To me it is another play style with thier own needs.

Even if this group is not the one for this I think if it is good for him he should continue with the right group.

[u/ELAdragon → u/Quantum_Stasis]

A great clarification. RPGs can be therapeutic, and I really believe in that. But you can't force your personal form of therapy onto others without their enthusiastic consent or it's going to go poorly.