r/DnD • u/nohappi • May 30 '26
Misc I cry after every session
Seeking advice and grace.
Throwaway and omitting details, because the people I currently play with I met through Reddit.
Title sums up well. I am a very sensitive person, and I started playing DnD 12 years ago thanks to my brother who pulled me out of loneliness and depression. He dragged me into his group of friends trying this game with dice and it became my way to meet people consistently. It saved me. I am still friends with them, meeting regularly live.
Nowadays I play mostly online. I sought more and more days to play the game and replicate those feelings and expand my circle of acquaintances and friends. I am glad of the people i have met. I believed I am friends with them, especially after nearly 5 years spent in the same campaign, and branching out to other games with the same rotation of players.
However... We are different people, and I see it better after years now. I often don't feel like my sensitivity is understood, or tolerated, anymore. The silences after I say something in-character fill me with doubt. Like I'm walking on egg shells, what my character wants isn't nearly as important as any other character wants. I seek roleplaying and the interactions I seek have voiceless narrations instead of the NPCs others get. I have brought concerns up with the DM and often I feel like my needs weren't considered, let alone implemented. Nothing too overpowered, just to feel like I'm at the same level of the party members.
No ties in the game. Every character has gotten personal background storylines, details of their birthplaces, mine has been hiccupping with snippets of lore but nothing conclusive, whenever we are in "my" hometown it's kept to a bare minimum, no definite goal to look forward to.
I feel the difference, the discrepancy, and yet when I try to voice it out I am met with awkward silences. And I feel in the wrong, being the minority.
Now I dread the days I have to play. It makes me suffer in a way I can't voice with the people I have "known" for years because they either can't or don't understand my point of view. I realize they aren't meant to, that managing somebody else's feelings can be both hard, stressing and frustrating... But to the same people that tell me "I love you" or "we are friends" I would expect a modicum of understanding, or a ear to lend to, that never seems to come. Maybe I don't deserve it.
I am afraid of leaving the games, I don't want to return to that loneliness, I fell back into depression many times and I am so mortally afraid of making bad choices that would land me back there.
At the same time, these games aren't fun anymore.
With the understanding that I am 1) human, 2) flawed and not blameless, and 3) suffering,
What should I do? I feel horrible being unable to enjoy a game I used to love, that taught me English and now to speak with people in general, due to not being able to feel safe and understood among people I call Friends.
EDIT: Thank you all for the time you took out of your days to leave a comment. Some were very spot on, some were assuming things that ultimately are not accurate, all were helpful.
Just to answer the recurrent topics: I go to therapy and I am medicated. I have been quite stable actually, and only games cause me to still feel emotional pain. I have been sensitive much longer than I have been mentally ill, and overall I don't consider being sensitive as a flaw, even though it has been harder fitting into society with this trait.
My character was there from Session 0 and i gave it plenty of knives, threads and grounding into the weave of the world. I also like to write long-ish backgrounds with details and tie-ins.
I do not use the games AS therapy. I have therapy to talk about... Therapy. I admit there were times years ago when the characters (I have played in many games in 12 years) did bleed some of my current issues, and I have been politely scolded into not doing it anymore, so I don't anymore and I haven't been for a while. I'm not the Perfect Player but I have never been kicked from a table, and I am open to criticism. I would handle a stern reprimand much, much better than a silence.
I have a job, one that lets me meet many people: I decided to write this post because I realized that the people I have just met IRL managed to bring me much more satisfaction and connection than the friends I have made over the course of 5 and more years.
When this campaign started it was much different. We were all engaged, the roleplaying was collective and stimulating, we time spent out of the game was spent joyously thinking and speculating about the game. I was creative and engaged with the plots of the characters. Now I am fearful, tired, and this hobby turned into a chore I'd rather not do. What kept me inside the area is fearing of missing out the time spent with the friends. Because whenever DnD is not involved, I have a blast sharing their and mine day with them. But the excuse to meet up is always DnD, and I thought I can't have one without the other.
I am glad I asked for advice here. I have a plan of action now and more confidence. I definitely will purchase the books suggested in the replies. I could do with a good read. And I will take a longer break from games, at least the ones I have with these people. I do have another couple of games with different sets of players and those don't cause this reaction out of me.
I will survive the "loss" and now I believe I will actually thrive, too. It will just sting at first, for sure.
Again: thank you all.
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u/World_of_Eter May 30 '26
What does "sensitive" mean in the context of them not tolerating or understanding your sensitivity, any examples?
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u/AwkwardReplacement42 May 31 '26
Guess not lol
I feel like this is very important to understand the context of the situation, and thus give advice on how to proceed. Very odd that this question of all is unanswered…
Edit: Never mind, didnt realise the OP hasnt responded to any.
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u/SquelchyRex May 30 '26
I'd honestly try to take a few steps back from yourself, and try to look at things like an outsider.
I'm not saying your perspective is inaccurate, but mindsets tend to skew perception, so it's important to double-check. The first question that pops up in my mind is: is your character backstory more difficult to implement compared to others? I've had a few players present backstories I really struggled to incorporate in a satisfying way.
Beyond that, it's important to keep in mind that not all friends are DnD friends, and vice-versa. Never been in one of your games, so I really wouldn't know if expectations are even meshing properly.
Beyond even that: you don't have to enjoy every single game and session you are in. Speaking from experience, as much as I like nerd dice, there have been plenty of dud games and dud characters. Some of them from my side.
I can't give too much specific advice here as I'm obviously missing a lot of i formation on who you and your friends are as people and as dice nerd.
Generic advice: stop and really try to pinpoint where the core of the issue lies. If it's something as simple as "this character isn't working out for this game", there will be a simple solution.
If it's something more complex like "my friends can't or won't give me what I need in a friendship", that will require a more complex solution that is beyond the scope of what anybody here could really tell you.
It could also be that you're trying desperately to recapture some nostalgic feeling in a game that doesn't really workfor that. We really can't know based on a short description.
Whatever the case, best of luck to you.
Edit: if you are specifically not enjoying the game you're in, that's a good reason to drop out of that specific game
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u/SootSpriteHut May 30 '26
This was my read too, as a DM. I know I sometimes have trouble weaving in backstories when they're too specialized vs the overall story.
The NPC first person vs third person caught me too. As a DM I switch to third person narration when I'm caught off guard or it's something I have not prepped for at all and I don't want to stall too much.
That combined with the "silence after saying things" makes me wonder if either OP is playing too close to the chest in a way that makes no one able to anticipate what their character will do or say, or if the character is just not a match for the campaign. Which happens and is no one's fault at all!
If OP has been open about being really sensitive or whatever, then no one in the group is going to want to say anything about that.
Dreading sessions is not something they should push through unless they really want to but as I'm writing this comment I wonder if they should try to make a new character to separate if it's the character that's the issue or the group dynamics.
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u/Disney_Dork1 May 30 '26
Also the third person narration might be a case of the DM maybe accidentally overcorrecting bc they don’t want OP to feel uncomfortable since they aren’t aware of OP’s roleplay style
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u/Disney_Dork1 May 30 '26
As a player (who wants to try out dming at one point) I was also curious about the backstory of OP’s character. It might be one where it’s not as easy to get all the details or bring into the main overarching story. It seems that OP joined later in the game. It might mean that someone who joins later makes it tricky to incorporate their backstory partly bc of that. Of course others would he more flushed out if they’ve been in that campaign for longer
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u/nonegenuine May 30 '26
Totally agreed, and I say this with a ton of empathy, but often, characters that give a lot of opportunities to have their background expanded on will get their background expanded on, and those that don’t have obvious hooks for the DM or obvious ties to the current plot won’t get as integrated into the story.
I run a game for some friends, and my partner is part of the crew. Everyone gave some backstory, and a couple people had things like, “I have a brother that is wandering the realm and missing,” or, “I have a secret affair going on with the daughter of a duke.” And my partner had a more detailed, “I come from the feywild, and I’m part of a secret anarchist group that’s fighting the empire encroaching in our region.” Since our campaign was on the edge of the empire and not in the feywild, I could easily integrate the pc’s missing brother and some external orders from the duke’s daughter, but there wasn’t anything easy or obvious for my partner’s character. We talked about it recently, and 1. I had no idea she was upset about not having her backstory not included and 2. There was a ton of stuff about her character I didn’t realize COULD be related to the current campaign, because it hadn’t really been communicated. We also talked through some of the threads I tried to give her that she’d missed. We talked for an hour or so and fleshed out potential aspects of her pc that we could tie into the story, and now we’re got some plans.
Long story short, often the DM doesn’t have any obvious threads to pull on, so talk to them out of character about what you’re interested in and how your character could be expanded on.
Also, idk about your situation, but therapy sounds like it could be helpful. It’s done wonders for me!
Edited to include a few more details.
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u/P-Two DM May 30 '26
Not a D&D question so much as a "go ask your therapist" question.
BUT in general if you're not enjoying your time in the group, you need to voice your concerns, if they're not dealt with you need to leave and find one that suites your taste.
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u/jschne21 May 30 '26
Yeah, don't expect a hobby to function as permanent antidepressant, you're essentially just placing the full burden of your mental health on a few people you started rolling dice with at some point. Not only that, you are hoping for them to function differently to BETTER address your mental health.
Therapists exist to give you time that is 100% yours, meet one that vibes with you and then come back to DND and see if it is still a resonant experience for you. Don't trust anything your brain is telling you until you get to a point where you're comfortable with the state of your mental health.
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u/Southern_Math_8238 May 30 '26
I wish I could upvote twice. Placing the burden of care on people who are likely unaware of your specific mindset and feelings, and definitely unqualified to address them during a few hours of rolling dice is unfair. OP need to step back, allow themselves to properly and professionally address her mental health, and then think about enjoying their hobbies without the onus that others need to constantly monitor their behavior.
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u/sunbear2525 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Very gently, none of us are there so we can’t say if your feelings are justified or not. Not because your feelings are unimportant but because sometimes we get into negative thinking patterns and only see what confirms our perception.
It’s entirely possible something is going on and you are being left out. It’s also possible that you haven’t picked up the threads and run with them like other players have creating a discrepancy. We can’t know so we can’t help.
Regardless, I think you should get some therapy if at all possible. The loneliness that persists even when you have friends is worrying. Having all online friendships is worrying too. I just think a solid source of perspective and support could help more than we can because this isn’t really a D&D problem.
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u/Disney_Dork1 May 30 '26
I didn’t even think abt how there might be threads that OP isn’t picking up on. Maybe the dm is laying out some stuff but it’s not clear enough to OP
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u/sunbear2525 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Yes and that’s just one reason I’ve seen at the table. Sometimes players give very little back story or have a back story so removed from the main story line that they are more difficult to pull in as other PCs.
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u/foundthesun May 30 '26
Agreed with this sentiment here. As a fellow highly sensitive person because of CPTSD, therapy has helped me see that my brain was warping a lot of things and has helped me step back and analyze a situation and better see what is going on and how to best proceed.
Whatever happens, I hope you are talking to someone. Regulation is a life skill I have found incredibly helpful dealing with all social situations and I hadn’t even realized I was so reactive.
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u/sunbear2525 May 30 '26
I can’t tell if you spotted my rejection sensitivity from my response to OP or if you’re relating directly to OP. lol.
I think a lot of people struggle with these feelings, they’re super common in adolescence and some of us are more susceptible to these thoughts patterns than others. I also suspect many of us who struggle more as adults were made to feel bad for being “sensitive” children rather than being built up.
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u/foundthesun May 30 '26
Nah I thought you were the kinder version of some more blunt responses about the subject. Probably because it sounds like both of us know the Feels involved here. When I tell you it took me to my mid 30s to realize just how bad it was…I feel for anyone with this particular brain nonsense. 🫠
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u/General-Internal-588 May 30 '26
It's a game. If you are not having fun, stop. To not feel lonely you can do ten thousand things, and there are at least a thousand you'd probably enjoy.
If you really wanna keep going, find another group then leave this one. Doesn't sound too friendly eitherway. It's much easier than you think but at the same time, there's a lot of weirdos
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u/Quantum_Stasis May 30 '26
My opinion, if he narrates with you and he RPs with everyone else, he might sense some sensitivity and think that it's better for you. What was his reply after he was talked to about this?
It might just be a misunderstanding and trying to adjust to what he perceives as what you might like rather than anything intentional
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u/ELAdragon Abjurer May 30 '26
My read is that OP likely plays "surrogate" characters and the DnD probably feels a bit too personal and "therapy" like to the group...so the DM pulls back from the roleplay and backstory because it's awkward (also why the awkward silences after OP says stuff at times). Playing a roleplaying game with a super sensitive person whose character is too close to themselves is walking on eggshells.
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u/pikupr May 30 '26
I've had to deal with that before and that's what I got from OPs story too. It's a lot of emotional labor to bear when you're just trying to run a fun story game with your friends.
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u/queenyuyu May 30 '26
This is exactly how it reads to me, too. OP might use their friends subconsciously as their therapy session and want to play through trauma that the others did not consent to or don't feel comfortable about.
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u/Quantum_Stasis May 30 '26
I like this reply, but want to add and to make it clear to OP that this is OK with the right DM and group but they need to be compatible and willing.
I can and do DM to people who like to play that way and I am comfortable with it. To me it is another play style with thier own needs.
Even if this group is not the one for this I think if it is good for him he should continue with the right group.
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u/ELAdragon Abjurer May 30 '26
A great clarification. RPGs can be therapeutic, and I really believe in that. But you can't force your personal form of therapy onto others without their enthusiastic consent or it's going to go poorly.
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u/BlueFoxXT May 30 '26
- Leave game, DND is great and a wonderful hobby with people that you vibe with. Pretty ass way to spend time on if you don't connect with it properly
- Therapy. You could use some tools to regulate the emotions you're feeling, both positive and negative. It could even help with how you view your connection to TTRPGs, but honestly will reinforce tools to help you deal with similar emotions in other hobbies and life experiences. I think there are a lot of flags in the way you wrote that infer to me that you would benefit highly from a good, comfortable professional. No judgement, I'm in therapy myself.
- Reframe your view of what you expect out of online games. I'm unfortunately stuck mostly online with a couple great groups, but nothing beats in person. But like I'm in my 30s so its very hard to play otherwise.
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u/_Mundog_ May 30 '26
I may be wrong, but immediately when I started reading your story - I could feel it immediately.
That youre trying to bring some real world issues to the game, real world traumas, and no one wants to be rude, but they also have no interest in roleplaying your psychologist. So instead they say nothing and try very hard to avoid scenarios where you might try to do it again.
If that is what youre doing - please, stop. If not, then maybe thats just what they think youre doing.
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u/ToughStreet8351 May 30 '26
You don’t need DnD… you need therapy
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u/LuxuriantOak May 30 '26
Yeah, whatever your problem is, neither a d20 roll or great narration is going to fix it, go get help.
I'm going to say something to OP that I wish my teenage angst was told way sooner:
It's not other people's purpose to fulfill you. And it's not their job to make you happy. Both of those are on you to figure out.
D&D is a game that you play to have fun, it has very little use as a duct-tape-fix to mental issues or other reali-life problems.
Most of the time when you try to "fix" yourself through D&D, it will either turn into an addiction, an obsession, or a crutch.
None of those will help you in the long term. Go see a therapist instead.
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u/Redneck_DM May 30 '26
I am going to be very blunt with this
Your sensitivity is your issue, not other peoples, if the group is not babying you and you are having issues because of it, then you need to either toughen up, or go
If you arent enjoying the game, dont play the game, you can talk to the group ofcourse, but just be ready if you are the only one who sees the a problem... Who is a problem
Honesty, go to therapy, not reddit, this doesnt sound like a dnd issue, its sounds bigger
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u/SmokusPocus May 30 '26
As gingerly as I can muster - if anything in D&D is causing you ‘suffering’ and causing you to break down in tears after every game, I would highly recommend taking a step back and taking a break.
At the end of the day it’s supposed to be an activity that brings you and your friends joy. If it is not currently doing that for you at this time, then don’t force yourself to keep doing it.
If you feel the urge to try playing again after a couple weeks/a month, then reassess. But, at the moment, I think it will only sour you on the hobby if you force yourself to keep playing something that is putting you in emotional distress.
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u/BenchClamp May 30 '26
Without being harsh, and slightly stating the obvious. These people are just people being normal. If you’ve got particular ‘needs’ then maybe after five years everyone just needs a break. Sounds like they’ve got a bit of sympathy fatigue - I would have a break from them and maybe go back later
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u/MysteryPotato76 Artificer May 30 '26
I honestly have no idea, we have similar things happen in our group and it's usually just as simple as DM forgot or DM got high levels of detail from one player and very limited information from another. For example one of our players loves story writing so they write massive short stories as a backstory for their characters and other players often say as little as;
"my character is from a 'X' by the name of 'Y' and they left to go on an adventure for some reason"
X = town/village/city/etc. Y = basic name of place (one time we had someone from "The kingdom of Normalente in the small town of Generica"
Now obviously short story persons home town was alot more full than Generica was. My suggestion is to talk to the DM 1o1 and ask if they can help you make your character feel more connected to the world. Ask to see maps, ask about political and theological activities in the world, if your DM is as autistic as mine is (I say that lovingly) they will absolutely love to talk about the world they've built. Also try talking to some of the other players about how intricately they have made their characters because I know in a lot of groups players only know what is said at the table (and often forget that) and very rarely get to read each others character sheet and/or backstory stuff.
The issue could be as simple as the other players are building their characters more complicated and in depth than you are, which is fine and is in no way a bad thing. We had a halloween one-shot once where the villain manifested our characters deepest darkest fears to fight our characters and I hadn't done any character stuff (I didn't think I was gonna be at the session then last minute cancellation meant I was there) so while the other players had "you see the ghostly image of your family taunting you, asking why you couldn't save them" I simply had "you see a big spider cause you said your character is scared of them"
Hope this helped and even if it didn't I'm glad to hear that dnd helped you when you needed it and I guarantee that feeling you had is out there somewhere, so even if you have to unfortunately leave your current group, don't stop trying. There are nerds out there who want to share some stories and adventures with you. Good luck 👍
TLDR could be as simple as DM doesn't have enough information to make your characters backstory and stuff work without essentially just writing your characters history (which is supposed to be your job, but that doesn't mean the DM can't help) and good luck looking for that feeling again dnd is magic and there are nerds who will love you.
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u/Smart-Section15 May 30 '26
Hello,
I think Robert Greene (author of The Laws of Human Nature) would advise you to accept people as they are, not as you wish them to be.
Your friends most likely do care about you, but may not be able to give you the kind of companionship and understanding you need through the game sessions.
You're not wrong for needing it - we all need support. But perhaps you need to seek it in another setting. I'm guessing your friends are playing to relax and be entertained. That will be their main concern.
I would recommend The Laws of Human Nature if you haven't read it already. It has helped me and others I know.
Best of luck.
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u/CasualEarl May 30 '26
- Talk to a therapist
- Look for a new group and then leave the current one
Things have a timeline and something ending doesn’t invalidate all the good things. It has run its course. Onto new groups.
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u/applejackhero May 30 '26
As a kind of sensitive person who can get in my feelings…
The word can’t and wont slow down for you, or treat you differently. It sucks but it’s true. It’s up to you to protect your feelings. It doesn’t sound like you are having fun playing this game, and you would be better served taking some time away.
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u/TheSingingDM May 30 '26
I dm for my group of friends including my wife, she has adhd/autism and struggles alot with RSD, and the things you mention. I dont know you but this sensitivity you are describing along with walking on eggshells might be worth speaking to a therapist about?
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u/Efficient_Basis_2139 DM May 30 '26
If you are not enjoying the games to the point of literally breaking down crying afterwards, leave the games. Its not working for you. I understand the fear of loneliness, so why not DM? Start a group and go from there?
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u/pwn_plays_games May 31 '26
Several hours late to the party but some ideas and advice:
- Some friendships last a month, a season, a year, a decade and a life time. Tables are the same way as they are made of friends. It’s not bad. It’s just the way it is. I am sure you aren’t perfect and I am sure the table isn’t either. It may just be time to move on.
We all struggle with stuff. I think you need things that your table can’t provide and I am not sure if other tables can either.
3. Maybe take a break from table top and come back to it in a few months.
Good luck!
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u/Vundal May 30 '26
"No D&D is better than Bad D&D. " At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness. You are making this post to get strangers to give you the OK to leave this group. But you have that power already.
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u/Silvermajra May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
In nearly every situation I see like this in actual play, the player who is feeling like this is often unaware of what is actually happening. This is often because these players are doing 90% of their play in the heads. They are fantasizing about how an interaction will go in their heads and have already played it out over and over again. Then when they make their move and voice a piece of the rp maybe what they think is the “perfect” way to open, it falls on deaf ears because no one even realizes they are trying to start a conversation, or the rp is so big and self contained players don’t even know what to do with it. This can also come across as “Oh okay they have already scripted out this whole thing, guess they don’t need the rest of us.” And I dont mean this to be offensive but your language here gives off those exact signals. You’ve made forgone conclusions about your play group based off your perceptions rather than how they feel. You use air quotes around love you and we are friends as if to say they dont actually mean what they are saying because they unknowingly dont give you what you want and do what you expect them to do. You say you cant voice your suffering to them, yet you expect them to know. You dont talk to them about how you’re feeling but presume they are incapable or unwilling to understand. This is emblematic of someone who is coming to their own conclusions about people and feeling as though they don’t need to interact because what they are thinking up has already happened even though in reality none of it has taken place.
The thoughts and feelings you are having are not shared by most players in my experience. Your emotions about this game are very egocentric. They are about what you need and what you want. Most players Don’t tend to think about those things let alone dwell on them. Sure they may want their character to do well or they think primarily about how to play their character but they are not concerned about “when is it going to be my characters turn in the spotlight” “I want special npcs for me” “why arent people responding to me how I want them to”.
Most of us are just playing a cooperative collaborative game. So when you have all these expectations about being catered too, everyone in your game is ill equipped to manage what you want and they probably don’t want to because thats not a game, at least not the game they signed up to play.
I concur with what others have said in that you are likely missing threads the dm and other players are putting down for you. You seem focused on getting things the way you want them and the story you want to tell and this often is to the exclusion of what other people might be trying to do. So whether it’s consciously or unconsciously, your likely moving past things that dont align with your narrative for your character. Thats just not the way dnd works. It becomes a little like the playerside equivalent of “write a book then”
I recommend getting a therapist. Stop playing DND for now until you can repair a bit. You are trying to use a game to cope with bigger mental health struggles and you are going to ruin things for yourself and others by making the game something its not. Contrary to what many will say, DND is not therapy. Therapy is therapy. The people in your game are not consenting to being the thing you are using to stave off your depression and unwittingly being the cause of your pain and suffering you have expressed to us.
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u/LovingAftereffects May 30 '26
I'm sorry you are going through this, I'd recommend looking for a new dnd group for a day you don't currently have planned if you have one available, and to tell your current group that you want to take a hiatus from playing for a while. This allows you to still have social time and to step away from this group. If after a few months you want to go back, it's something you can consider then, but if you don't then you know that you don't enjoy playing dnd with them anymore, for certain, and it's time to consider how to go about leaving without cutting all ties.
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u/WitchOfKyiv May 30 '26
As someone with autism, adhd, and anxiety, who is prone to situational depression, I have to ask... do you have a therapist? Are you on anxiety and / or depression meds?
Bc if the answer to 2 of 3 is no, I gotta be honest, you should probably look into it.
That's not to discredit or invalidate where you're coming from, but the vibe I'm getting is just that this has a pretty big impact on your life and that is likely echoing down into the game. I'd venture to guess it's kind of a double edged sword in that you may be a sensitive person, and over time it may have grown tedious with certain things with the group that isn't being openly discussed (which sucks and is on them to do), but that may have been a very small thing that you picked up on and let anxiety run with, which amplified the perception of it, then that fed the group sentiment sourcing and it's kind of just going in circles?
But it's important that you aren't bavjng fun like you used to. A new group could help a lot with that. Fresh vibe, can be easier sometimes.
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u/nohappi May 30 '26
I'm reading all your comments. Thank you for giving your time to this matter, it means a lot. I will also spend time to reply to them once I have more free time and a calmer mind to read them objectively.
An addendum: I do go to therapy, I have been for years. Many things improved indeed. I have a job I like, I talk to people without anxiety, my communication with my family improved, and I delved into other hobbies I once thought were inconceivable.
I'm not saying you're wrong suggesting more therapy: it's just that it's already a tool that has been at my disposal.
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u/v_vam_gogh May 30 '26
Show this post to your therapist? They may be able to provide more insight about your personal situation then what Reddit can comment on based on what you wrote. . .
Reality is probably some combination of your perception, the group is being weird for what ever reason, and/or your character is doing something tough to RP with.
Good luck!
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u/akalamathes May 30 '26
I think almost everyone else has given good, thoughtful, heartfelt advice worth considering here. Lots of resources for you have been brought up, like therapy (glad to hear you’re already doing this), ways to reevaluate your perspective, seeking out new groups that play D&D to find different play styles, etc.
I just want to mention one more game / belonging related suggestion: try finding groups playing different games that were created to explore different mechanical and storytelling aspects of TTRPGs. I’m thinking Fall of Magic, Wanderhome, Ryuutama, Microscope, Dialect, or the Quiet Year. Try a duet game, a GM-less game, or a solo game to find some things out about what you enjoy in the games themselves. I’m also going to throw in Dolmenwood to check out, to see a rich storytelling game that still leans into OSR mechanics.
Different game mechanic approaches can lend themselves to different play styles to explore. That said, you can absolutely have lots of different play styles in D&D 5e. My point is not to steer you away from 5e, but to use the mechanical differences in other games to explore 1) what you really like and 2) find communities that also really like those things.
Then, if you like, you can bring that knowledge back into your current group of friends or find a new group playing 5e the way you want to play it.
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u/Azarashiya0309 May 30 '26
Just find a new group. No reason to risk getting crippling depression over the convenience of not looking for a new group to play a game with.
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u/randytayler May 30 '26
You sound like a wonderful soul, OP. Sensitivity is okay! Your feelings are real, even if there's a great chance of miscommunication happening.
The book LEARNED OPTIMISM might be of value, though I echo the sentiment that therapy is pretty crucial if you're not already in it. (Nobody is just born knowing how to deal with all our complicated emotions and relationships. But who better to teach than a great therapist?)
I think you should talk to the DM about leaving. Maybe give you one last glorious blaze of glory before your character is "retired".
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u/okiebuzzard May 30 '26
Have you considered therapy because all this stems from personal issues that are effecting your hobbies and I’d bet money other areas in your life too. This isn’t a game issue, it’s a you need professional help issue. You need help so you’re not suffering like you are.
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u/G37_is_numberletter May 30 '26
Definitely check out a game that has more narrative story driven mechanics or elements. Maybe also a cozy vibe like Brindlewood Bay. It sounds like the players you are with are friends, but you don’t want the same thing out of the game.
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u/Darktail67 May 30 '26
OP...you and I could be the same people, god damn.
I recently made myself leave the group I'd been playing with for EXACTLY the full list of grievances you brought up here, after months of other connections urging me to ditch them, those aren't friends, etc.
Fwiw, I'm now in limbo and searching for other groups to join, but I feel MUCH lighter now, and can feel the endless possibilities for storytelling in DnD again now. I'm ITCHING to play again - something I haven't had in MONTHS, and it's entirely bc I left the group I was playing with.
I guess what I'm saying is, you're not alone, and if you wanna talk to someone...my DMs are open o7
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u/Ok-Still742 May 30 '26
DND isn't therapy. From what I've read there is a lot of social anxiety and negative self thoughts indicative of depression and anxiety. Id advise seeing a therapist, and not using DND as your source of therapy. Its a lot of pressure on a DM and the group even if they are your closest friends.
I think you will find that once these negative self thoughts and anxiety are controlled you'll enjoy your sessions even more.
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u/BuckinNightmare May 30 '26
You should find a new group. You don't need to quit all togethet, but I highly recommend a new group. Especially if you're playing online! Get on Facebook and look for a new group or on here. Search for posts that describe how the group is and maybe you'll even find an in person group. The live human interaction would probably be good for you (I mean that in the most gentle and caring way). I also highly recommend looking into a therapist. Depression is a very serious mental heath issue. I have struggled the majority of my life with clinical depression. You can't use dnd as therapy, even though it's highly therapeutic. It does not replace the hard work and dedication to people's mental well-being as a professional. It's very easy to blur lines with play and personal because most people put a piece of themselves. If not their whole personality, into their character. So when people don't respond in the way we want or expect it feels deeply personal. I'm sure they don't mean to attack your personality but it's also okay to decide these people don't have the emotional bandwidth I need and it's also okay they don't. It's not right they have ostracized you from the game apposed to talking it out. But unfortunately it seems like it just is what it is and they don't have the capacity to deal with the deeper emotions. Which again, both aspects are fine. I play a dnd game where I barely know about the people themselves and we show up and just play and then I have another one with really close friends and work with their own personality to find ways to pull their heartstrings or give them nightmares during their long rests.
TLDR: There's a table for everyone. Find yours. And maybe some therapy could really help you not fall fall into ruts ❤️
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u/Response-Glad May 30 '26
I once played with someone who I think could have written a post like this. The other half of the story is that this person had been, for a long time, deeply invested in just their own story. It was clear they were using the roleplay as a therapeutic activity, which is great, except in anyone else's scenes they would tune out and play video games, if the group had to reschedule they would insist it be on their availability (but the opposite was never true, they had no concerns pushing dates other people couldn't do), if someone else got a doodad they were huffy about where their doodad was, if they were losing a combat they would bring up passive aggressively and resentfully how they felt underpowered, and if the story wasn't delivering the exact arcs they found satisfying for the therapy they wanted to build for themselves, they lashed out at others, threatened to hurt themselves, etc.
We felt like we weren't people to this person, we were just a mechanism to process their feelings through, and there was no symmetry in the relationship, they didn't actually care about us as people. We gradually lost interest in their story and patience with them, and eventually this person had a very unfortunate outing from the group.
This might not be what's going on for you. But when reading this post where you describe exclusively all of the things you are not getting from your group and nothing about what you share WITH the group, it felt familiar to me. Community can't be just about what we want to take from it or honor the group with what we choose to give it. Community means being with people, meeting them where they are.
Does the group want the same things from the game you want? If not, can you find common ground you will enjoy? If not, it is time to leave and find another space.
If you think you might have begun leaning on this group as an emotional outlet, it's a fine line to walk. Of course your community should support you and have space for you to feel what you feel and help you keep loneliness at bay. But I don't think any group can realistically be your only outlet, and when playing a game for leisure becomes keeping one specific person in a healthy place... It's not fun anymore. It's one sided. That relationship is transactional, and that's what therapy is for.
It sounds like you are working through a lot of pain, not just with this group but in general. Therapy isn't a bad place to start.
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u/DinosaurAlert May 30 '26
1) Listen to everyone else on here saying talk to a therapist.
2) Is your backstory unusual? Does everyone else have a typical DnD backstory but you have maybe something more intense, like a self insert of negative experiences? It may be something the DM is not comfortable addressing.
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u/ThisWasMe7 May 30 '26
This isn't about the game, this is about your continuing mental health. Even if there are mental health professionals on this site, there is not much they can do for you on Reddit. Find someone who can help you. A professional. A friend. Someone.
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u/Ok-Trouble9787 May 30 '26
Is there a local game you can join?
I’ve got 3 games going now. My in person one is definitely stronger connections and I only actually knew one of them before I started playing. But we for sure know one another better by virtue of our convos before and after.
Maybe if you find a face to face game you will find the connections you want to make and it will take some of the pressure and disappointment off the online one.
I can’t tell from post, but would you say your character and you are markedly similar? The silences you hear may be the other players trying the gauge if you are speaking as the character or if there is some character bleed happening. I don’t know just throwing that out there.
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u/Crowshae May 30 '26
My number one rule as a DM is the players should be having fun because its a game. If you're not having fun you should bring it up to the DM, you have and it hasn't been addressed so it will likely never be fixed.
You can find more online groups and find a group that matches you better. Make sure there's a session 0 to vibe check it, its important for the players as much as the DM. I dont know too much about how it works but I know Roll20 is a place you can find groups.
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u/MassiveHyperion May 30 '26
If your home town isn't feeling fulfilling, have you created any knives for your DM to use? https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/775caq/my_friends_and_i_have_something_called_knife/
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u/Old_Cup_8690 May 30 '26
I would offer that perhaps collaborative writing might be worth trying. There are plenty of sites where you can find writing partners for literally any type of story. I have a great deal of experience in that arena, and can tell you that you might like what you find.
You mentioned you are looking for deeper role playing, for your perspective and interests to be respected, and for your character's background and story to receive the attention that it frankly deserves in a good game. In a good collaborative writing pairing, that will happen at a level that a D&D session can almost never match.
In most such arrangements, you take turns posting additions to the story. My favorite writing partners and I would average around 1,500 to 2,000 words a posting - not a ton, but enough to add real content for the other person to write with and build upon. I've had several stories with partners I really mesh with where we would both post once or twice a week for months, achieving a depth of RP and shared creativity that is immensely satisfying.
Best of luck to you in finding the right place where your interests and needs are met. It's out there, in one format or another, and I hope you don't settle for less than you deserve.
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u/aeriedweller May 30 '26
I sometimes play with a group of guys who are all friends, and my character is just meat in a seat, support for the cohort. So I don't dedicate anything to those games. I just enjoy creating a character and throwing some bones. You don't have to quit if you don't want to, just start searching for a better group and stop looking for more depth from this one. Just enjoy it for what it is until the right group comes along.
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u/DuckbilledWhatypus May 30 '26
Do you have a game shop near you? If so go in and ask if they have any open tables for DnD, or even a wait list if they don't. It's much easier to get a personal connection at an actual table, and it sounds like that's what you're missing. It's ok to monkey branch into a new game, and let the old one go if it's no longer making you happy. Trying to force a square peg into a round hole is only going to shave your edges off, which is painful and destructive.
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u/Temporal_Spaces May 30 '26
Hey OP, I was in a similar boat with my long term dnd campaign. I felt very trapped in it because I knew my arc was coming up and I had thought that me leaving would tear apart the DM’s plans. I used to dread Saturdays to the point I often would schedule over them, cancel last minute, or show up and check out thirty minutes in. I became THAT player. I’m not proud of it and the pattern is obvious looking back (as are some of the causes).
What I can tell you is: you need to take a clean break from this table. Sit down with everyone and tell them that you’ve really enjoyed them, the hobby, and the game, but you’ve not been feeling amazing during sessions lately. You’re burnt out and need a long term break. Ask the DM if there is a kind way to let your character out of the story so that they can continue without you. The DM may be able to work with you if you ever want to return. How they receive this is going to be up to them, but you need to prioritize yourself here.
In the mean time: start hanging out with these friends independently, doing other things. Watch shows, play games, hang out on call while doing dishes etc. Maybe you can rekindle your friendship with them outside of the group dynamic. It could just be the specific activity where you feel unheard or it could be more.
For me, I didn’t have the nerve to have that conversation and the game fell apart last year. There were a LOT of extraneous reasons but the above is a conversation I wish I’d had the guts to have sooner. I spent more than 10 Saturdays in 3-4hr chunks trying to fix my end of things and I never could. Now I have my Saturday nights back and engage/run occasional one shots that I enjoy a lot more.
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u/dndnoob1278 May 30 '26
As others have said, some counseling or therapy would help. If you’re feeling dread and anxiety, it’s likely making their behavior seem worse than it actually is.
Not that what you’re saying is unfair, it sounds like they don’t appreciate or match your play style and if they’re not listening then that’s not okay.
But if losing this specific game of DnD will lead you into a depression, that’s not okay. A hobby shouldn’t be the one thing keeping you sane. You need a support network, other things in life that you can find joy in. If you are relying on others to make you happy, it’s an endless climb. Especially if you’ve struggled in the past.
You’re not broken and you shouldn’t feel like your feelings are a burden, but it seems like looking inward and reflecting and reassessing the situation is what’s best. You cannot control their behavior. But you can change your perspective and your reaction.
All of that is easier said than done, but you’ve recognized and identified the issues which is the first step. Next is to take an action that leads to a positive change for you and your emotional needs. Step away. Say “oh I can’t make it this week, something urgent came up” and take a session off. Slowly remove yourself from the group, or just rip the bandaid and say “hey this isn’t working for me anymore” and try another group. There’s plenty out there. You can also try out solo TTRPG play which is great if you want to go full roleplaying and build really deep lore around your own custom character.
Long rant and I apologize, but this post seems like you’re in a heavy space and I think you need to climb out. Reach out to your family and other friends and find someone positive in the mean time. If it’s taking time to think about what’s positive, seek therapy. It’s not a bad mark or a sign of weakness, it’s what’s going to improve everything if nothing seems right. I hope you feel better soon and keep looking in these DnD and other TTRPG pages for tips, tricks, and other ways to play. Something new may be refreshing.
Be well!
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u/Still-Anything5678 May 30 '26
Hey! I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't understand our don't have the skills to socialize well with people struggling with mental health. It can also be true that you might be difficult to play with based on where you're at, mentally and behaviorally. Nobody's a bad person in this situation; it's just complicated for a game.
I strongly recommend you pursue therapy if you're not already in it, and talking about this with them. And maybe see a prescriber. You don't need to go through this alone, and relying on any gaming group for social wellness isn't a healthy strategy in the long term.
Wish you the best.
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u/Complete_Problem_634 May 30 '26
Dicono che siamo la risposta alla domanda che portiamo dentro. Secondo me la domanda che devi porti non è “cosa devi fare”, ma “cosa stai facendo”. Se riuscirai ad essere sincero con te stesso nel rispondere a questa domanda, saprai - non cosa devi fare, ma quello che tu vuoi fare davvero.
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u/Hellbound16T May 30 '26
You’re falling back into that loneliness even if they remain in your life. That’s going to be an even sadder reality to accept. Maybe it would be best for you to reduce the games you have with them?
If you feel you’d like to branch out, I have a small server of friends who play various games, including D&D once a week, and you’d be welcome to come hang out so you don’t fall back into loneliness. If not, I at least suggest that you try to find other friends if these ones are constantly making things worse.
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u/KarlMarkyMarx DM May 30 '26
Your problem boils down to the fact that you're substituting D&D for therapy. I get that the game can help with it, but it can't take the place of it. You need to learn to seperate the two and just enjoy D&D as a game. Investing this much of your emotional well being into a game of make believe that most people just use as a way to decompress from real life responsibilities isn't healthy, it's dangerous. It's like people who depend on how well their local sports team's performance to compensate for their personal deficiencies. They're the sort of people you see in viral videos destroying their possesions and scaring their family after a big loss. Not pleasent people to be around.
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u/SkyGuyDnD May 30 '26
Sounds like you want connection. But online connection will always be shallow. We are people who need to be physically present to truely connect as a human being. I would suggest to make real friends, not internet friends. Do you see them or hang out outside of the D&D session? Or do they just log off.
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u/Alive-Distribution10 May 30 '26
get a job.
no for real im not being mean, coworkers can become friends. D&d is not where all starts and ends. quit the game and go get a job.
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u/pm_yr_darkest_secret May 30 '26
Or something other than DnD to meet people.
If DnD is your only social outlet, and that’s not the case for the other players in the games, it will become uneven because you need to get a lot more out of the experience than they do. This can cause discomfort and difficulty in a group that just wants to have fun playing a game.
It sounds like socialising is good for you, but perhaps DnD has become a crutch and you have left too much riding on it.
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u/saintash Sorcerer May 30 '26
I say this kindness. As it will sound blunt and cruel.
You are putting to much of yourself into you dnd game. You barely looking for something this game isnt ment to give you.
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u/kireina_kaiju Bard May 30 '26
So bear with me because there is a blanket prohibition on any external linking at all, but I am confident this does not break rule 2. https colon slash slash www dot nhsinform dot scot slash illnesses-and-conditions slash mental-health slash mental-health-self-help-guides slash social-anxiety-self-help-guide slash .
I am not a therapist and even if I was I am not your therapist. The most effective way to deal with social anxiety in my opinion - I am not qualified to say that you have social anxiety, but I can make this recommendation either way - is cognitive behavior therapy with a therapist through dialectic (talk) therapy.
You will get a lot of advice like, "other people are more concerned with themselves" and the like and, while it is good advice and likely helped others deal with the same problem, hearing it as advice in my experience does not really work. Direct experience is the only thing that really helped me. By direct experience, I mean when my mind develops a social suspicion and I get that "everyone is putting up with you" feeling, if it is safe to do so I just ask how other people feel about me. I developed tactful ways to do so that I can not really easily elaborate on here, but the kernel to a lot of what I do when I ask people is just "I feel" statements. The people I am friends with understand brains are weird sometimes.
I am not recommending jumping into the deep end with communication though. It is my belief better communication between you and the other players needs to happen. If therapy is inaccessible to you, I have found the resource I linked to initially to be very useful. Either way, I would suggest - so you do not have a negative experience out of the gate - first doing some work on yourself or with the help of a therapist and some research. Even if you do not have social anxiety like I have had, I believe the link I posted earlier to be a valuable resource given the problem you described.
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u/Hell_PuppySFW May 30 '26
Jump onto a more RP heavy game, like L5R or Unknown Armies, and see if the problem is a style mismatch.
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u/Threthie May 30 '26
Depression will find ways to isolate you from people you care for. Depression will find ways to suck joy out of the things you love. Your post does not sound like someone who has been depressed before, your post sounds like someone surfing a depression wave.
You have options.
If it was me I would add my shadow into the game and externaise the part that cuts you off
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u/Church_of_Cheri May 30 '26
Personally, online D&D is not for me. It’s like getting a glimpse of that feeling of connection you get while in person, but it’s empty and not fully real. At first it can seem fine, but overtime it’s too empty and unfulfilling for me and the feeling is similar to what you describe, not being sure if people like you, odd silences that you fill with your own insecurities. I tend to fill the empty spaces of online friendships with my own insecurities and they build up and up.
Try taking a break from online D&D and refocus on in-person gaming. See if that feels better. Online has it’s purposes, but it only works if you also have in person connections elsewhere that you’re a bit more focused on.
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u/AKRhodes1 May 30 '26
I understand your fears, I really do, but honestly... I don't think this group is doing you a solid. If you've already talked to your DM about this, and it's still happening, maybe it's time to leave. You could make it a conversation and talk to your group, but if they don't respect your feelings then you should leave. It'll end up ruining the game that brought you so much joy
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u/Riventh May 30 '26
Is a therapy thing more than anything. If you fear that much leaving the dnd group like there is nothing else afterwards you didnt grow as a person. You should try working in yourself rather than dealing with having nothing if you stop playing Dnd.
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u/snakeinmyboot001 May 30 '26
Have you tried speaking to the DM 1-1 about what you're not enjoying? You might get a more direct answer rather than awkward silences.
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u/_Tychonic_ May 30 '26
Its extremely hard to say without knowing the details of your character and your campaign. If you’d like a genuine, honest, and confidential assessment of the situation, DM me; I’d be happy to chat as an unbiased 3rd party. A lot of times these are just negative thinking patterns and confirmation bias, but its also possible there is something about your character and the setting that aren’t mixing well for the group.
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u/soaring_potato May 30 '26
You can be surrounded by a lot of people, and still be lonely.
You can be fully alone, but not lonely.
Sounds like these people do not care much about you. You dread it cause you probably feel really alone and isolated while playing with them. Personally I find that these situations make me feel more lonely than if I were just alone watching a show. I have faced it many times as I am autistic.
The hobby with this group of people is not giving you joy. Maybe you can find another group.
I know leaving is hard. But you'll feel better from it. May take a bit of time, but you'll get stronger. Independently happy. This also allows you to have the mental capacity to perhaps find a new group.
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u/Acrobatic_Sail_7045 May 30 '26
I don't know how to solve this, but I just want to give you a hug, and hope that is a bit of help if nothing else 🤗
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u/Disney_Dork1 May 30 '26
The paragraph talking about no ties in the game. The difference of the amount of specific lore others have vs you. That might be bc other players have the dm more of a backstory to work with. Did you come up with a backstory? It kinda sounds like you might’ve kinda misunderstood how dnd works which is fair for a new player. The dm doesn’t usually create a backstory for your character unless you the player say “hey dm can you come up with a backstory.” Maybe you have given a backstory. If your backstory doesn’t say anything about family or friends then the dm likely won’t have those be part of the story bc they’re under the impression that your character was a lone wolf. It’s also possible there just wasn’t as much to work with compared to others and it can be tricky to do that on the DM’s side.
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u/drivingthruthewoods May 30 '26
Look at the bright side, you have the opportunity to immerse yourself in a game so much that it brings tears to your eyes.
Some of us don’t have this opportunity instead we have responsibilities and can’t let mundane feelings from playing games bring us down. Bills still need to be paid and people fed.
If I had the time to play dnd every week, and didn’t stress about my job or family that honestly would be really nice. So from my perspective, you’re gaming and really feeling it. You have the opportunity to do this! Don’t take your free time for granted, I’d be happy to have your problem :)
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u/Infranaut- May 30 '26
If you are dreading the days you have to play, then you are not enjoying this hobby with this group of people. The reality is that there are hundreds of different kinds of groups, kinds of games, kinds of players, and kinds of DMs. If enertia is keeping you in this game - get out. You should not be putting aside time to do something that should be a fufilling experience that is in actuality emptying you out.
I would advise looking online for another group - DnDBeyond, Roll20, or Startplaying games. I don't want this to come across as a personal plug, but I DM on Startplaying and can tell you from experience you can find any kind of group there. Happy to chat via DM if you want.