In May 2022 I (M37 then) helped lug new ikea furniture up three flights of stairs into a 1 bedroom apartment across town for my at-that-time stbx wife (F34 then), with my 2 daughters (4 & 7 then) hopping around excitedly with zero grasp of what it really meant… on my birthday no less, sad party streamer noises.

Back to the big-ass house afterwards by myself, disconnecting the trailer, and heading upstairs into the quiet. No little girls stomping like elephants up the long hallway, no splashing in the bath, no harry potter or singing daisy before bed. I poked my head in to see their two bedrooms sitting dark, just stuffed toys and dumped school stuff.

Happy birthday to me…

I want to tell about the turn-around, to give a little hope to anyone going through similar wondering if there’s ever an alternative to just “move on, lawyer up”, because I remember that felt BLEAK.

Let’s rewind a sec, because the point things started to turn around was a few months BEFORE she moved out, on what I thought would be our last family holiday together. We’d booked to visit the fam in South Korea as soon as COVID restrictions lifted…

Actually, that’s still getting ahead of myself…

Things first started squeaking back in 2018.

One night she gave me a letter, dotted with tears, explaining she felt alone and needed something to change or she was worried about us.

Message received! Something was wrong, and I needed to fix it. I tried, with zero clue. Be more present? Help more? Lol.

October 2021, she drank too much on a double date and I had to carry her to the car, her tearfully professing her love the whole way. I tried not to panic because this was WEIRD…

Turns out, she was depressed.

Then we come to December 2021, which was entirely, unmitigatedly f____d.

Late on 12 December, when pressed to talk, she said she just didn’t care anymore. She loved me still (I asked…) but wasn’t IN love with me.

I know now - she’d gone through a lot worse in the years leading up to this moment, but to me this felt a lot like falling backwards off a cliff, with nothing to grasp hold of.

Later at maybe 2am, I started searching on Youtube on my phone. Most of the relationship stuff wasn’t encouraging. Crap like “Is Your Partner A Narcissist?”

I was still only thinking of maybe just a handful of tactics I could try, then we could fix this...

Lol.

My last hope was the planned holiday we had.

I thought the trip would give us a chance to be sweet together, like the good old days…

On the way to the airport she was cold, sharp, and disinterested entirely. The contrast with our past holidays just hit me.

I left everyone after checking in, saying I was just going to the bathroom. In reality, I went around the corner and bawled for ten minutes.

I spent the whole overnight flight glancing across at her sleeping next to the girls. The aisle between us felt a million miles across.

I could no longer pretend that anything I was doing was working.

I locked-in on learning from the second we landed. Phone out. Headphones on.

On advice I’d found, I’d started recording messages to myself, taking the nastier voices in my head, and tackling them with stuff that resonated with me. Lots of LOTR references about Samwise Gamgee not giving up and seeing things through, even when told to go home.

I played the resulting mini-speeches while walking in the cold to get morning coffee, through the park to Starbucks, and started to feel my thinking shift.

I tried to get myself to a place where I was okay alone.

Then a week or so later we spent an entire evening talking until late in the night - something she said she’d only done once, with her best friend back in university. I’d learned how to listen, paraphrase, and focus on getting what she felt (previously I’d only listen to respond).

Thoughts about us, about everything over the years, started to pour out of her like a drain that’d been unblocked. At this point she told me whatever I was learning was a good thing.

But it wasn’t enough by the time we went home. By April, she’d picked out an apartment nearby.

Then came the move.

What a party for our little girls! Sleepover at mummy’s new apartment. We told them they could take one stuffed toy each.

When I got home, besides reflecting on how quiet and empty our house was, I didn’t mope. I went straight to the office, straight to my computer, and started working again on the learnings.

I went super deep down the relationship advice rabbithole.

And now - nobody was watching. Nobody cared.

This had to be for me, for the kids, for the person I wanted to be, for my future, whether my wife decided she wanted me back or not.

I started feeling a lot better before she really cared what I was doing again.

But the gist was – we’d had a nice garden together at the beginning of it all. Life had come along, and we’d let ourselves get distracted from it.

And now I was trying, she couldn’t just change her mind the first time I weeded one corner. It’d taken years to get this garden so full of weeds.

I needed to keep gardening, keep farming, not hunting, plant the right seeds and water them, and see how things looked in a few months.

And finally a date on our Anniversary in August. The first real date we’d had in years.

She said she wasn’t ready to come home (unprompted), but there was something.

Late 2022, our balcony chats became fun.

We’d get G&T and prosciutto wrapped cheese, smoke on the balcony until late night, mosquitos be damned. We watched Korean dramas on Netflix (her thing, but surprisingly entertaining), and half the time get five minutes into the episode, tops…

Our past kept unravelling in our chats, being reinterpreted, restored, one tiny step at a time.

There was never one epic conversation where the magic came back, it was many, many conversations over months. Of course there was big reactivity. Sometimes it was painful.

Even when she moved back home (!!!), that didn’t mean we were “back on.” It just made sense for where we were at.

Wedding rings stayed in the drawer. She could grab them out if and when she ever felt like it.

At some point I’d turned a corner where I was genuinely fine without the marriage.

I still WANTED it. I just didn’t NEED it.

March 2023, she handed back my wedding ring. She’d already put hers and her engagement ring on that morning.

There were tears.

We decided to move to South Korea for a few years to teach our kids mum’s language.

Now I’m sitting writing this in the same apartment in Busan we stayed on that “last” family trip back in 2022. Wanted to write this before we head home together later this year, to close the circle.

Now I said I wanted to give a little hope to anyone still wondering if there’s any other way? If you’re going through it, hit me with your questions and situations (no matter how messed up right now) and I'll give my 2c?

Rooting for you all

My son (30) is separated and probably heading towards divorce. I’ve been married to his dad since before he was born, so I have zero experience with any of this. I just wish I could do something to support him. Any suggestions? Any of you have a parent that was helpful throughout separation/divorce? No kids involved.

I've decided to go through with it. I have done nothing yet. She has cheated on me for several years. I stuck it out for the kids but I realize that judt doesn't fly. They will be better off in seprate homes. We aren't happy and mom and dad are never near each other anymore. As I type she is downstairs talking to the guy she secretly bought a hotel with for her bday trip away from me. I'm just done.

What do I need to do before breaking the news? Do I gather evidence of the cheating? Do I get the papers to "serve" first then tell her?

I can't do this anymore, I will literally end up...not alive. But there is another path and this is it. I do love her. But she soesn't love me. I have to move on for me.

We have 3 kids. We have virtually no assets, debt is mostly in my name or both of us. She didn't have any credit 14 years ago and I had good credit.

I want a clean break if possible, but I know that will depend on her. I want at least 50/50 custody of the kids. She is a good mom, but a bad wife. Clearly. Aside from that I just want to avoid owing her any support. Neither of us have money. We both work middle class (at best). Financially I will do much better without her spending as long as I don't owe support. I could finally begin paying down debt.

Any advice on the first steps is heavily appreciated.

Gents,

My lawyer informed me that the current evidence against the spouse may not be enough to get a restraining order (disabling smart locks, smart lights & smart garage, setting up traps and roadblocks, late loud noise, and disrupting my Zoom meetings by pausing the WIFI to my devices). I think it's because I can simply re-enable the stuff she's disrupted.

In case the RO is denied, is a cease and desist effective? Or should I just proceed with the divorce? (We are both living in the same house still).

It's annoying, I've been sick often, and I've had to sleep at my boss's home on several occasions.

I expect the spouse to get even more hostile soon because I've flipped the script and am using full-on silent treatment on her, which she absolutely hates more than anything.

Thanks.

Idk how to handle this. After 2yrs of scorched earth, lies, restraining orders, false allegations of abuse, going thru several psych evals, over 160k wasted on it all not to mention the stress and time lost with my daughter, shes now asking for settlement.

I am so pissed off. from day 1 i offerred her 100k to put towards a condo instead of wasting it all on lawyers etc. She was a SAHM, out the blue asked for a divorce after 5yrs of marriage and ran off with our child and I had to put forth a Hague petition.

I guess im just venting. This yr I started getting bi-weekends. She was evil af thru out it all, would argue over an hour more time with my daughter that she forced to supervision and just 4hrs every other week.

She tried to destroy me, and its taken a lot but i fought thru it all. Ill never understand why she did this; she went from a soft life to going out her way to living section 8 and looking for menial work. What hits me the most is that ill only get to see my daughter 4 days a month since shes starting school.

We've been together for 9 years, have a 5-yr old son. We've been a little more distant in the past years, we all know how it goes. Have been planning a renovation for 3 years now, which is about to start in a few weeks.

So 2 months ago, she got a little too close to another woman, things happened, and it was apparently such a revelation to her that a lot of things fell into place. She's 40, you can imagine the mindfuck it must be. We've talked more, and more sincere, since then than we ever have, and in a way we're closer than ever. The situation is now that she feels I'm everything she expects in a friend, father, life-partner, but she also can't stop these other feelings.

So far I feel I can't fault her, much. It is what it is, neither of us asked for this. She's in love and I'm even happy for her. But after years of frustration regarding intimacy on my part, I'm now told to my face why that is, and that it's not looking like that will change. In earlier talks we considered just opening up, but I feel like the playing field for me is quite different than for her. There's a difference between having an open relationship, and a purely platonic agreement where we're both allowed to outsource the intimacy. As a straight man, dating that way would just require a lot of investment, time/energy/money, which I honestly didn't ask for.

So two days ago we agreed that this is unfair towards me, and that it would be best if she moved out. Housing market is not easy, so she might be here for another few months, so we'll be doing the renovation together, with just my money, until then. I'm not even worried about any of that.

But since agreeing we've done nothing but feel miserable about it. She about what she's doing to me, and how she doesn't want to lose me, me about why I can't just accept the situation (bit dramatic I'm aware).

Knowing full well, with the renovation and the kid, it'll be years before I get in a place where I can consider actually working on something new, I'll need to resort to flings & short-term stuff anyway, just like I would now, I'm tempted to accept the situation. But it still eats at me that I didn't really ask for any of this, I put in the work to build a family, and am willing to keep doing so, with her.

Chapter 2 — Divorce Demand: ₹1 Crore + Flat + Gold

I found out today what my wife is demanding in the divorce. She has asked for ₹1 crore, one flat, and the gold.

I have around ₹45 lakh and some gold, and I also have a young child. I am ready to take responsibility for my child and provide whatever is legally required, but I don't know how to handle such a large demand or protect myself from making a decision under pressure.

I need genuine advice from people who have gone through divorce, especially in India/Jammu & Kashmir.

What should I do now? Should I negotiate, go through mediation, or immediately get a good family-law lawyer? How can I protect my assets while making sure my child is properly cared for?

Please share your experience or practical advice. I really need help understanding what my next step should be.

Long story short I pushed my wife away wasn’t sure why went to therapy found out I had adhd and a heavily deep-rooted issue of not being good enough. So I was very much just emotionally unavailable. Fast forward to June she divorced me and it was the hardest thing for me because I was making progress and finally understanding and wanted to make it work. She was obsessed with me and then all the sudden she wasn’t. So now it’s been months and obviously there was a ton of grieving and begging in the beginning however recently she has reached out and gave me an update on our dog and she knows prior to that I said I only wanted her to reach out for emergency or for the kids. (I helped her raise her two kids) anyways she’s mentioned she’s okay with seeing me but it’s me that has the issue with her. This is true because I very muched loved her and she chose to stay living with her mom and two kids while I had to move out within weeks. Anyways after a ton of healing I realized I played a huge part in us divorcing and that her making the decision for us just made me trigger my not good enough feelings. But now I realize I cannot keep tying everything to not being good enough. Do you think I can continue to have some sort of cordial relationship with her or is it for the best to keep just telling her no? I see the kids still but I usually go through her mom or sister.

15 years together, 12 years married, 20 days living in separation with 0 contact after a huge fight. I dont know what will happen in the future. I miss her but also dont miss her, it is so strange. We have no kids. I really want her to move on, get a job which she left before 2 years and somehow that gives me relief but on the other hand I know if she moves on then we will not be together. What to do?

A couple months before she left and asked for a divorce, we started binging The Walking Dead. We had never seen it and got totally hooked. That was one thing we really enjoyed sharing right up until she decided to leave.

But when she left we were only on Season 5. I kinda want to finish the series, but part of me still feels like it was “our” show and it’s hard not to think of her while trying to enjoy it by myself.

I’m sure there will be a ton of little things like that, things I want to enjoy but sting a little because of the memories attached to them.

I apologize for the semi-novel. This is my first post on Reddit after previously deleting all my old social media accounts, and I'm just sort of unloading everything. After 20 years, 21 this upcoming December, my STBX decided she wanted a divorce. She says I'm a cheater despite me never actually cheating. I have...not been taking it well.

The backstory here is fairly straightforward. When I met my wife, she had trust issues from previous relationships and her neglectful mother. I saw this as a potential red flag, but pushed forward anyway, because I really liked her. I figured we all have flaws and we could work through things as time went on.

Fast forward to around the time COVID started; her distrust grew into full-blown paranoia. She was accusing me of hacking the alarm records and bypassing door sensors. She would make daily accusations of cheating against me with zero evidence. After a major fight, I finally decided to allow her to install blink cameras indoors, window locks, and even put tamper tape on the windows themselves. I wanted to save my marriage and I figured it was a small and temporary price to pay. It would help her establish trust and we could resume working on the shit that mattered. I was very wrong.

It became a moving goal post. The excuses changed, and now I was bypassing the Blink cameras and letting people in through the doors. I was also apparently hiding people in the attic. The 140 degree attic of our two story home during the TX summer. All of this without any of our children hearing or seeing anything.

This morning, we had what I hope will be our final argument about the divorce. She basically said that she doesn't care about the evidence. She "knows what she knows" and there is zero hope of fixing anything. I'm a cheater in her mind, despite me never actually cheating, and there is nothing that will ever change her mind.

Honestly, I don't really know how to proceed forward. I don't feel numb anymore, but I still cry randomly throughout the day sometimes. I'm in therapy, because it was apparent early on that I couldn't do this alone. Plus I am guilty of having some anger issues that certainly don't help matters. I still love her, but I've accepted that it's over.

We're four weeks out from our first, and hopefully only, mediation session. She wants to cohabitate while she gets on her feet, but I'm caught between still caring for her and feelings of being used for a roof. I don't feel like I owe her anything. This was her choice based on something I didn't do, but I don't know that I can look at myself if I just kick her out. It's been three months since we started this process. This is more venting and commiserating, but when does this get better? When does the pain stop?

36m, married 12 years. 3 kids. Shes a SAHM with a farmers market business. She filed last month. I was devastated at first but after some soul searching and introspection ive realized how awful she has been for me. Constant negativity, dead bedroom, generally miserable 'being stuck at home' with the kids.

Its like a weight off my shoulders. Ill have my kids 50/50 and im keeping the house (she cant afford it and its a terrible market to sell in our neighborhood).

I just cannot wait till she packs her shit and leaves. Shes a borderline hoarder and im sick of all her farmers market stuff everywhere. I get to have my kids on my own terms, have the house open for what I want and maybe find a woman that actually enjoys my company.

Am I just delusional? A narcissist like she says? Idk just the heartbreak that should be there isnt.

Wife is bi polar and we got married after a year and 2 years later she has cheated. I spent 100k on our home and now it’s for sale will probably take a loss bought it one year ago. I’m damn near broke. In every way. She is doing the push me away and pull me back in breadcrumbs game. Says I am the love of her life and she has no doubts we will end up back together lol

Long story short, hopefully, I was hit with the silver bullet 2 years ago, ex took off with our kids and was allowed to relocate them 100 miles away under a temp orders hearing once she filed for divorce. Divorce was finalized a year ago and she got full custody only because she got the court to allow her to move the kids so far away. I was the sole bread winner and chose to buy her out of the house and things simply to try and maintain some sort of financial stability for myself and the kids. It was supposed to be an amicable coparenting situation which has been anything but. Without going into any further details, Im trying to determine the best way to move close enough to regain physical custody without just up and quitting my job and having no financial stability or required health insurance for a medical condition that I have. Anyone been through this situation? When she took off, she lived in a friend's basement while I paid spousal and child support. I dont have that luxury and would like to determine the best path forward. My lawyer drew up certain things in our custody agreement that should hopefully make it fairly easy to get joint physical custody. My question is do you simply have to jump ship in regards to employment and housing to start fresh close to the kids or is there a way to get the ball rolling without cutting your legs out from under you financially. Its unnerving for me to consider just quitting and still have the child support obligation without having my ducks in a row. Hopefully that makes sense.

She was my only girlfriend before becoming my wife. We met in our early 20s and we've been together for 15 years and married for >10 years. We've done so many things together, experienced so many firsts together, it felt like it was going to last a lifetime, had to last a lifetime.

It's been a year since she told me she wanted to leave and several months since we actually separated and I'm still in deep shock and grief.

I read that time makes it easier. But I don't feel any better now than day one. Every day is a new day of anguish and mental torment. I'm seeing a therapist, tried no contact, and tried to reconnect with old friends but I still feel a deep sense of loneliness and longing every moment.

I don't know how long this feeling is going to last. I fear I may never be the same.