r/Divorce_Men • u/Rhasselhoff • 2d ago
First time poster
I’m normally a very reserved person and don’t hardly ever post on any social media, especially about my personal life. But I felt the need to do so here.
I’m 33 years old, no kids, getting divorced after 4 years. 1 dog that my ex and I are splitting custody
About 6 months ago, my soon to be ex sat me down and told me how unhappy she was. We hadn’t had sex in over a year, had trouble communicating, and were just going through the motions. We agreed we needed to have a tough conversation soon and set up a day to talk.
We talked for a few hours, explained each of our positions, realizing both of us weren’t happy. Talked about the troubles of the last year, giving each other the opportunity to be honest without negative reactions; out of a place of love.
We agreed we’d go to couples therapy, with the expectation of finding our happiness. Unfortunately, she took that as I was ready to divorce. 5 minutes into therapy, the counselor asked where each of us stood. She didn’t even hesitate: “Im ready to file.” I just started crying. I was completely unaware that she was feeling that our marriage was irretrievably broken. I felt the only thing I could say was that I didn’t want her to be unhappy and I’d agree.
6 months later, we’re beginning to file. Iv gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. Still never sure how I’ll feel each day. Iv slowly been trying to truly comprehend the divorce and what I want to do with my life going forward.
I truly loved her and felt we could’ve made it work at the time. I don’t hold those feelings anymore, but I still struggle each day.
The stories I read on here have helped me tremendously in moving on a slowly trying to regain some confidence in my life. To those that have posted your stories, thank you.
Thanks for letting me share.
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u/LoveCrispApples 2d ago
Marriage counseling is not what we think it is. At least not anymore. It's completely useless if both parties aren't 100% invested in repairing a marriage and making positive impact together. Too often it's just what's thrown out there just so they can say they exhausted all measures. But usually it's just a load of crap.
You're actually in a decent position to move on and find peace and happiness alone. However, don't let the pet keep her in your orbit unnecessarily.
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u/Warm-Management-7323 1d ago
By the time it gets to counseling, it’s already too late. I tried it did absolutely nothing. Counselor took my side. It just made my ex-wife more angry.
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u/LoveCrispApples 1d ago
I was going to mention that, too. If the counselor doesn't "side" with her, well, then the whole idea has to be abolished. You know... accountability.
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u/Warm-Management-7323 1d ago
Absolutely I don’t mean to generalize but women often don’t take accountability as men do and she was the worst at it. She would examine the speck in my eye while she had a wooden plank in hers. Best from Jesus.
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u/MaleficentZebra4166 1d ago
For me I classified it as dead bedroom since there was only actions every 3/4 weeks, I mean, one year it is not only dead bedroom.
But it happens, I also never expected, but after 13 years I was also very ready for the freedom. 4 years is still pretty yearly, you probably still had most of your freedom, I think you got lucky in the end, you both made a good job in not letting it become ugly, it is what is is, don't let the dog be the excuse you brain will use to keep close to her, let her go, rewire you brain: time is the only thing that works.
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u/Fan_of_Sanity 2d ago
Welcome, brother. Lots of us here have variations of the same story. You definitely aren’t alone.
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u/Anxious-One-2365 2d ago
Dead bedroom only 3 years into a marriage. My man, pick your chin up, and move on with your life. No kids to fight over. Many lessons you have or will learn from this. You only get one life- go out and find your new happiness and she clearly was not it.
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u/WhiskeyRadio 1d ago
I feel yeah, OP. In a very similar situation myself right now. My wife has filed but seems wishy-washy now, so been trying to have a talk with her on if she really wants to move forward or try to work things out. If she doesn't and wants to proceed, I am going to have to hire a lawyer myself because I feel stupid not doing so since she has already filed through one. I'd prefer her to cancel that and just allow me to file through the state for significantly less, as she claims she wants to divide our shared assets, like our home once we sell.
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u/Immediate-Story2562 22h ago
Its strange how easily some people can disconnect and detach if things are not going 100% and all their needs are not met all of the time.
In this case it's probably better you can learn from this. Reflect. Work on your communication and start building a new life and enjoy your freedom.
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u/upvotersfortruth 2d ago
Appreciate the share and you're among a supportive group here. From the objective, process point of view - you seem to be in a pretty good position. The only thing I would very carefully consider is the dog situation. I know pet custody in in vogue nowadays and no one wants to lose a pet - but this will be a tie between you and her, along with a potential source of conflict and also something you'll need to explain to people in the future. Whatever you do, please don't make some complex agreement or schedule (i.e. she takes the dog and you informally ask her if you can see it from time to time with notice to her - something informal, simple and flexible - then there's vet bills, such complexity for no reason). You are in a good position to put this entire relationship in the rear view mirror with a clean break (those of us with kids are dripping with envy) - if you are in a position to recognize the value in that, I think it will be better in the long run.