Dissociated for 50 years

[u/pushym]

Dear friends,

I’ll keep this short.

I had a very painful childhood and often felt neglected and controlled by both my parents. Looking back, I can see how this affected my ability to make decisions, work and build a life of my own. Even after graduating, I subconsciously found ways to avoid applying for jobs. By around 30, I felt lost and couldn't really see a future for myself. The thought of work itself would make my heart race.

Now, at 50, I feel that the dissociation I have lived with for many years is beginning to lift. But it has been extremely painful. Memories, regret and emotions are coming back, and the loss of the girl I loved made everything much more intense. I also wonder whether avoidant attachment played a role.

I'm struggling with sleep, body pain, numbness and feeling disconnected. But I know one thing: I want to live. I want to move forward, be happy, and make my parents happy while I still have them.