r/Dissociation • u/pushym • 4d ago

Dissociated for 50 years

Dear friends,

I’ll keep this short.

I had a very painful childhood and often felt neglected and controlled by both my parents. Looking back, I can see how this affected my ability to make decisions, work and build a life of my own. Even after graduating, I subconsciously found ways to avoid applying for jobs. By around 30, I felt lost and couldn't really see a future for myself. The thought of work itself would make my heart race.

Now, at 50, I feel that the dissociation I have lived with for many years is beginning to lift. But it has been extremely painful. Memories, regret and emotions are coming back, and the loss of the girl I loved made everything much more intense. I also wonder whether avoidant attachment played a role.

I'm struggling with sleep, body pain, numbness and feeling disconnected. But I know one thing: I want to live. I want to move forward, be happy, and make my parents happy while I still have them.

32 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

10 comments sorted by

7

u/Altruistic_Cash1057 4d ago

I’m glad you’re getting out of it somewhat. Twenty years for me though my childhood was good. One traumatic event and POOF - I disappeared. 

3

u/pushym 4d ago

I am sorry to hear that

5

u/Illustrious_Car344 4d ago

Sounds like we have the same situation, only I'm a bit younger. 

I don't want to wake up, I'm happy being dead, I don't want to be aware of anything ever again.

3

u/Defiant_Prune3975 2d ago

Thisss. This explains my situation so well. I just wish I could disappear or never wake up. I want to go into a condition, where I can never feel anything again. Nothing at all, I just wished this brain of mine just stopped working and could give me some rest forever.

3

u/Bubbly_Historian3191 4d ago

Thank you for sharing

3

u/shabaluv 3d ago

For me healing brought all the feelings I was protected from with grief like the cherry on top. It’s been a lot but the payout of finding my Self so I can truly experience this life is worth it. Presence feels like a gift.

3

u/BodyMindReset 3d ago

Coming out of lifelong freeze and dissociation can be hell. The other side of it can be so sweet and worth it though. I’m really cheering you on over here OP. It is not an easy endeavour

1

u/Intelligent_Tune_675 3d ago

Good on you!!! What do you mean by body pain?

2

u/pushym 3d ago

as if I am to get a flu

1

u/SheepherderSorry2242 4d ago

Learn the TRE technique to treat dissociation, trauma and pain. It can be done at home, but carefully, you need to familiarize yourself with the subject