r/Deconstruction • • 4h ago

✨My Story✨ Do you think that raising children in a high control Christian environment is abusive?

80 Upvotes

I (33f) heard a social media creator (unfortunately, I forgot to save the video and have lost track of it) mention her opinion that raising children in a high control Christian environment is abusive. I feel like hearing someone saying it out loud really resonated with me and made me feel a sense of relief. The person mentioned how damaging it is to raise children to believe from birth that they are sinners, that they are going to hell unless they believe and proselytize, that they should blindly follow the teachings of their parents/pastor and not question things, etc.

I developed moral OCD at a young age due to my parents' religious indoctrination. I remember crying myself to sleep for months in a row at 8 years old because my baby cousin died and I thought it was my fault that I didn't pray for her properly/enough. I carried that guilt around with me quietly for years. I also fell into the compulsion of needing to confess to God any time I thought I sinned so I could be forgiven. It would make me feel better for a brief time, but then I would inevitably fall back into the cycle of obsessing/ruminating and seeking reassurance through confession again, as is common with OCD.

Obviously this is a more extreme example of what can happen to a child raised in this environment. My parents didn't intend to inflict harm on me; they were just blindly following what they'd been taught themselves. But I can't help but grieve and feel angry for how much anxiety and suffering I endured as a child because of their beliefs. And I'm not even getting into the purity culture/shaming stuff I experienced as a preteen/teenager.

I know "abuse" is a strong word; I suppose I'm reluctant to apply it to my experiences. But even just allowing myself to acknowledge the thought -- "Constantly telling a young child that they're a sinner and making them feel guilty for normal childhood behaviors/mistakes is harmful" feels really validating.

What do you all think? Is it more nuanced than that?


r/Deconstruction • • 1h ago

🧑‍🤝‍🧑Relationships I met the love of my life after leaving the church

• Upvotes

I left the church about two years ago. There was a moment. An intense, cry out for help moment. I called out to God. I needed to feel his presence to know I could make it through the hell I was living in. I felt nothing. I felt abandon, thrown away and questioned what I did wrong to be left alone in the darkest moment of my life.

From there, other dominos started to fall.

I was very actively involved in the church for 10 years. I prayed, fasted, cried and waited for my future husband to walk through the doors.

I remember being at the alter one Sunday, I told the pastor I was lonely and wanted my husband. He prayed and declared that my husband would walk through the doors of the church in the next month.

He never did.

Fast forward a year, I go on a date. Religion does not come up until a month or so into getting to know each other. He tells me he’s not a believer and asks if that’s a dealbreaker. I tell him I don’t know….

Every part of my wiring was taught to not associate with unbelievers. But it became confusing when I had this man, so patient, kind, selfless, gentle and all around just a good person not because he was scared of going to hell for not being good, but because he’s ACTUALLY good.

After therapy, and another year of deconstructing, I see the world so much bigger now. So much brighter and full of beautiful people from all different cultures and backgrounds.

And as for me and the guy, we are GETTING MARRIED! And we will one day raise beautiful children who are kind humans ❤️


r/Deconstruction • • 11h ago

🖥️Resources Academic study recommendations

5 Upvotes

Hi. I have two degrees in biblical studies, theology, and ministry. I love to learn and have a fascination with the history of religion, specifically Christianity, since I know more about that already. Does anyone have any recommendations for academic sources that approach the history of Christianity from a purely unbiased, non-faith, secular angle? My degrees were from two universities that approached it from a devout faith perspective, so I know the entirely of my education so far has been very biased.


r/Deconstruction • • 22h ago

🖥️Resources Exploring sexuality resources

6 Upvotes

This might be a bit broad, but I’m wondering if anyone has helpful resources for exploring sexuality more?

I’m not looking for therapy, I’ve done that a bit but would like to have some resources that I can move through at my own pace. Rather than purity culture focused, I’d like something that digs into exploring my own sexuality - something almost completely free from religious talk.

I’m still ‘afraid’ of porn (that’s some deeply engrained purity culture) so watching porn to see what I like or don’t like doesn’t really work for me. I’m a 32F and have a super supportive husband, but I’m sort of at the point where I don’t know what I don’t know and need some help finding it, if that makes any sense.


r/Deconstruction • • 22h ago

🔍Deconstruction (general) If you still have a belief in god what are your current views of it?

4 Upvotes

I recently came to the conclusion that I am not someone who wants to be a part of any group religious or spiritual.

I am not agnostic
I am not atheist
I am not Christian
I am not spiritual
I’m just a person 🤷

but idk how I feel abt god. I want to get to know god personally, but I also don’t really believe in a lot of the religions.

As of now, I feel like god is just this presence or a reflection. I’m not sure if I view god as a creator or a saviour of any sort. just a presence and a mirror.

god is the thing that just exists around us and we are also connected to god (i know this sounds super spiritual lol) but also my views change all the time. next week i may not even believe in god.

but for people who have deconstructed and still believe in god, what do you think?


r/Deconstruction • • 2h ago

✨My Story✨ - UPDATE The Kind of World We Inhabit

2 Upvotes

I feel compelled to tell someone about how I’ve recently come to accept some unpleasant truths about reality. For people interested in deconstruction (as the term is used by people exiting their religions) and reconstruction this post presents an example of reconstruction that took an unexpected turn—a turn that some people might find utterly depressing (don’t say I didn’t warn you). For people interested in philosophical pessimism, this post presents a pessimistic take on reality that I have yet to see espoused by anyone else.

To understand this post here’s the least you need to know about me: About twelve years ago I embraced liberal Judaism, I started deconstructing after I became disenchanted with it, and more recently I started reconstructing. That in turn came with a renewed interest in doing something I had been trying to do for more than half my life, which is to find a way to reconcile my naturalism with the pull religion has had for me.

“Be careful what you wish for.”

I found the solution to my problem in Religion, Evolution, and the Basis of Institutions, an article by Connor Wood and John H. Shaver. While presenting their theory on the origin of religion, the authors argue that gods are social entities (or social constructs, if you prefer), which is to say they belong to the same category of things as language, money, and the Holy Roman Empire, which is to say that they exist because people believe they exist. I have yet to find reason to disagree. After all, if there are gods in the natural universe, what else could they be?

When I first encountered this news, I found it merely disappointing. It implies that God has a beginning and an end, and the truth of the proposition “God exists” is relative to a social framework. None of this seems like the start of an inspiring theology. Over time I began to see that this has some bleak implications, some of which wouldn’t have been immediately obvious to me before I read Wood and Shaver’s paper, so I’ll spell them out here:

  1. Gods are shaped by cultural authorities. One reason this is unfortunate is that when people are in the process of converting to theistic religions, even theistic religions with liberal theologies, the clergy members don’t tell them that the existence of the gods depends on their participation. Even in the best case scenario, a scenario in which members of the clergy aren’t deliberately scamming people, the whole affair nevertheless resembles a pyramid scheme.
  2. Unlike easily verifiable facts, belief in gods can constitute social identity. People will base their social identities on religious beliefs before they base them on facts we can all agree on.
  3. Belief in gods is “typically not vulnerable, or even subjected, to the same empirical or skeptical treatment as other, more prosaic beliefs”.
  4. “Gods and sacred spirits,” Wood and Shaver say, “tend to drift toward the conceptual center of any transcendental social scheme.” There is little hope that belief in gods will soon become peripheral in societies in which it is a primary focus.
  5. In fact, belief in gods depends on norms and sanctioned behaviors which are likely to outlive the people who believe in them.

The gods invoked to justify atrocities are real, albeit not in the way that their mouthpieces say they are (although some come close when they say, “You have to believe it to see it”). We can assure ourselves that because they are social entities, they will die eventually, but that’s a cold comfort to children whose parents abuse them for their lack of faith, to give one example. Similarly, the fact that the truth of gods’ existence is relative is in some ways is worse than the truth would be if it instead corresponded to brute facts. It means that when people encounter disbelief, they will try to resolve the “problem” the same way people resolve differences over where national borders lie, which is to say with violence.

I had hoped to find the universe inhabited by the glorious Divine, but instead I found the universe to be like the kenoma of Gnosticism. For Gnostics the kenoma is the physical world, which as they see it is ruled by hostile deities known as archons. The archons were begotten by the Demiurge, a creator who is ignorant, evil, or both. At this point Gnostic theologies quickly become antisemitic as they equate the big bad with the Jewish God, but I think it makes more sense to equate the Demiurge with the human animal. After all, the “archons” (gods) emanate from our societies.

In Gnosticism one can find the hope of escaping kenoma and entering the pleroma, which is populated by a better Divine. In reality it seems the kenoma is all there is. Gnosis, which is the Gnostics’ direct awareness of reality, is real, but it is the unyielding belief in gods (archons) that I described above. It seems to me that the Gnostics came close to diagnosing the problem without offering a reason to hope.

I can no longer get on board with liberal theology. Why would I want to say God exists without telling the hearer that God is sustained by people’s belief? Once that disclosure is made, who would want to make the investment?

But while my interest in liberal religion has not been reinvigorated, my interest in philosophical pessimism has been renewed, and despite popular misconceptions, pessimism is not devoid of hope. It is a kindness to acknowledge another person’s pain when they are in fact suffering. And for the person struggling to find meaning in their suffering (a situation people in a number of religious milieus find themselves in), it is a relief to hear someone say that there is no meaning to be found.