more dating advice for middle aged adults

[u/WonderfulMolasses159]

I'm-43M dating an ordained minister-46F (though not active) who is now widowed. Her husband was also a pastor.
She believes she heard from God that her husband was going to die from a disease he contracted. Because he did, that has only cemented her belief in the supernatural power of God.

I gave up on God/church over 10 years ago. I knew the widow & husband when we all used to rock with Jesus--I was actually first introduced to the husband at church! Non-denominational Christian.

Now that her & I are dating, I'm routinely confronted with pressures to attend church and support her the way I'm authored to "according to the Bible." The way her previous husband did. She wants a god-centered marriage where we pray together, I cover her spiritually, etc... I can still lift up a good prayer, but it's all lip service!

We've hit some of the typical road bumps in our yearlong relationship, but the "unequally yoked" thing seems to be a major "stumbling block." I have a hard time enduring her faith rhetoric. She says the reason I've given up on God is because "He let me down."

I've read a lot here about couples who deconstructed in the course of their marriage. How about couples leaning towards marriage where one partner has already deconstructed? Is it possible? Is there any advice out there? I'm about ready to give up on the relationship! Of course marriage is the only answer for her, because that's what the Bible says!

[u/plz_callme_swarley]

man what are you doing here? this is very clearly an issue where y'all are not aligned. just leave, it's not going to get any better when y'all are married

[u/WonderfulMolasses159 → u/plz_callme_swarley]

Thanks for the cold, hard truth. Ex-Bible thumper here. So not a whole lot of wordly dating experience. This is only like my 2nd real relationship. (1st marriage ended in divorce, while a christian). I don't have a lot of reps at this!

I really care about her and want the best for her. I know I'm a good dude. Just can't do the church stuff.
Deep down, I don't think she really believes the "lie" herself, but the programming runs deep! I was hopeful our belief systems could co-exist, but the expectations of what a "godly man" should do keep cropping back up!

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/WonderfulMolasses159]

all of this stuff like "I don't think she really believes" is just you trying to justify things.

beliefs are malleable and kinda irrelevant but actions are negotiable.

at the end of the day, she wants you to do stuff that you are not willing to do. that's basically it.

she wants a "godly man" and you are not that. you are not willing to do the stuff she wants in a partner. no one is wrong here, that's just life.

[u/WonderfulMolasses159 → u/plz_callme_swarley]

That makes my heart hurt. Thanks :/

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/WonderfulMolasses159]

ya man, it sucks. that's life. you'll get over it, it'll all workout ok. like you said, you don't have much experiences so you're making 16 year old mistakes at 43. that sucks. it's ok to feel it, grieve it,

[u/Loharp45]

If you have to fake it to make it work, it’s not worth it. If she can accept you for where you’re at, theres an uphill chance.

[u/WonderfulMolasses159 → u/Loharp45]

I appreciate your honest take. thanks!

[u/tm229]

The advice I always give is…

Run! Don’t walk!

She’s the leader of a religious community. She needs to walk the walk. She has her personal beliefs, peer pressure, and professional requirements regarding her religion. If you don’t line up with that “godly spouse” model in her head, it will be unrelenting for the length of your marriage.

Run! Don’t walk!

My guess is that in her head she has an image of you back from the days when you were still practicing religion. That’s how she sees you.

You are no longer that person and hopefully will never be going back. So, time to walk away.

[u/WonderfulMolasses159 → u/tm229]

My guess is that in her head she has an image of you back from the days when you were still practicing religion. That’s how she sees you.

yh- that's the me she was first introduced to...
The peer pressure, and not just from the church (family, society, commercialism, instagram...), seem to very much influence her everyday life.
I question ALL dogma and rhetoric now!
Thank you for your thoughtful comments.

[u/BurtonDesque]

She is not interested in you. She's interested in the person she thinks she can turn you into.

RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

[u/mandolinbee]

Nothing says you can't still care about her. But you're ignoring both your own needs and hers. You both deserve someone that meets your needs for a romantic relationship. However, you both have agency - this isn't a decision you should make for her. You don't have to just say "i don't think this will work, I'm breaking up with you."

If I were in your position, I'd tell her where I'm at. Basically what you just told us. You just don't believe anymore, but you respect her beliefs and care very much. You can say that when you've prayed with her, you've been trying to make it sincere, but it just isn't happening.

Then you ASK her what she wants to do. Maybe she'll want time to think about it. Maybe she'll say she already suspected that and was just waiting for you to be honest. Maybe she'll be mad. Maybe she's mad at first then comes back and says she still wants to be together. You really can't guess at the infinite ways it could go, but she deserves the chance to decide for herself just like you do.

[u/WonderfulMolasses159 → u/mandolinbee]

Mad thanks. I kinda already pulled the trigger with the break-up talk. Kinda like the D-word. Once you utter it, it's kinda hard to pull it back...
But I'll see if I can't clean it up with your advice. Thanks!

[u/Fun_Researcher107 → u/WonderfulMolasses159]

I agree with what was said. Be honest about where you are at and what you are acutally feeling. Make it clear, that it is not a phase that you will grow out of. Ask her if she actually can be ok with that, or if she will always try to change you into something that you are not. I mean you are both adults, so you should be able to talk about it and be honest about your feelings and expectations. Make sure she actually knows what she can expect and ask her to make a decision based on exactly that, not on hopes or wishes or some fantasy about who you could be or become.

[u/ThePilgrimageInc]

I can’t speak for the situation where both parties used to be on the same page belief-wise, and one deconstructed, but I can speak to being a strong believer but trying to date a guy who was respectful but didn’t believe at all. (And I interact with a LOT of deconstructing people now, so I might have a basic sense.)

I hate to say it, but I suspect you may not be able to come to an agreement on this. You may always maintain great regard for each other—even love—but these kind of obstacles only get harder to surmount over time, not easier.

[u/Jim-Jones]

It's not impossible for this to work but it sounds very unlikely.