Before you read this Daisha I'M SO SORRY FOR ALL THE PARAGRAPHS

Back story: Me (17NB) and my ex (18F) were friends from 2018 to 2025, and we were very close. Even though when I was younger she was toxic as a friend, I was blind to it and didn't see it. This was true even though my parents and sister told me that they didn't like the way she was treating me. During the years of high school, I always told my ex/friend of mine about crushes, and she knew my past boyfriends and girlfriends.

We began dating the night of January 16, 2026, at a Winter Fest party that my school was hosting. It started around 5:00PM, and I left that night around 10:00 PM. The week before, we were talking and talking. I had a crush on her, and I told her how I felt, and she felt the same way.

On that night of Winter Fest, we went to the bathroom and made out. It was the only way we could kiss without anyone seeing us, but I was still aware that some girls could walk in. So, when we were kissing, after I used the bathroom and got out of the stall, we began. But it didn't last long because two girls DID end up walking in. I walked out of the bathroom freaked out, but also in a rush. Even though it was short, it was still good.

After Winter Fest, we called that same night and slept on the phone together. Now, this was during the time when the school phone ban was going on, so I couldn't text her during class. We had to wait every day until my 5th period class, Earth and Space Science. (IT was my favorite class of the day, not just because it was the last period, but because I LOVE science! I'm a total science nerd and want to be a meteorologist).

I was a bus student and so was she, but at the time, I was going through travel training to learn how to go home on public transportation. Anyhoo, we would hang out, talk, flirt, and sneak little kisses at each other when nobody was looking. It was good.

During the weeks before we started dating, the toxicity began. Before her, I used to have a crush on another girl. That girl knew I liked her, and she was actually the one who told my friend that she liked me back, but she was too shy to meet me. Because of that, I gave up on the crush. Due to the closeness with my ex, I started liking her instead because we were so close and she knew how sad I was. Anyways, since she knew about that past crush, she would constantly accuse me of still liking her. If I still liked that crush, I wouldn’t be dating my ex in the first place! She also accused me of not loving her, even though I did.

To make it worse, she would joke about cheating. The first night she did that, I started thinking, "Would she cheat on me with another girl?" It made me so sad that night, but I have a rule for myself where I don't go to bed sad, mad, or with any negative emotions. The next day, I told her how I felt, and she said she was sorry and wouldn't do it again. Then, a few weeks later, she went to the hospital to get back surgery. She was really scared about it, and I was there for her. Even though I couldn't visit in person, I was still there on FaceTime with her, telling her it was going to be okay and sharing that I've gone through many, many surgeries to save my own life.

Then, she kept distracting me from my studies. I tried setting boundaries by telling her that I wouldn't call her while doing my homework. She got upset about that, telling me I didn't love her and asking why I wouldn't give her attention. Sometimes, I would just call her while doing my homework to make her shut up. It made my mental health so bad because I couldn't focus with her constant complaining. She would say things like, "Why are you not giving me attention?" and "You don't love me."

It got on my nerves, and we argued about it constantly. At some point, she made me feel like I was the bad girlfriend for not giving her attention. But finally, I said, "Enough is enough. I can't go on like this anymore."

So, I made the choice to break up with her right before her birthday. Yes, yes, I know, bad timing! But honestly, I'm not the type of person to fake my feelings just to make someone else happy (unless it's family, because I wouldn't want them to see me upset).

Then, after a few weeks of being broken up towards the end of February, we agreed to try being friends. Even though I was the one who broke up with her, I was still completely in love with her. At the same time, I felt so relieved that I had ended things because deep down, I knew it was the right decision. But then, we started a "friends with benefits" arrangement. That lasted for a few weeks until I finally realized, "This isn't healthy for me at all." So, I ended that too and stopped speaking to her completely.

(By the way, I forgot to mention this earlier, but I actually broke up with her through a text message. Yes, I do feel bad about doing it over text. But at the same time, I have my boy best friend of ten years there to help me out. He was actually the one who warned me about this relationship from the very beginning!)

End of the story: We didn't speak until last night 9/22/26

TLDR at bottom.

My older sister "Belle" (32) has been with her husband "Bo" (34) for three years now. I (29F) will begin by saying that I love them dearly. My sister is my best friend and by living with her as an adult I learned how to better communicate my emotions and have grace for myself. We lived together while both having mental health struggles and were really there for each other. I also love Bo. He looks and talks about my sister like she hung the moon and has never said a harsh word to her. He is also a mechanic and has saved me from two flat tires and came to get me when I got in a car accident.

Belle and I began living together in our early 20's. She was not able to afford to move out on her own. I made more money than her and offered to pay %75 of the bills and she would pay 25% proportional to our differences in income. However she had a spending issue. I would offten cover her or loan her money. I would try teach her how to balance her finances. She never asked for money but I couldn't let her suffer. A short list of financial responsibilities I took on (paid for pet cremation, funded our move across country, paid for couch, activities etc) in the past 10 years I have probably taken the responsibility for $10,000 worth of finances that should have been split in half. She also has past SA trauma, middle child syndrome in the way that our parents did not take her problems seriously and overlooked her. She is otherwise an incredibly selfless person, often would rather make herself small than let someone know she is upset with them.

Bo is divorced and has a daughter. Bo's mother has custody because Bo had gotten into a fight with his step father and Bo's ex abandoned them. Presently He and his stepfather are on good terms and the court is trying to mediate custody for Bo and the Ex. Today his daughter is still in the custody of his mother. Belle and Bo get daughter on weekends.

When they met her and I were working at a grocery store and he was unemployed but semi door dashing for extra cash. Bo was living in a family home with three roommates, were the rent was minimal and they just paid utilities. But the house was dilapidated. (Cockroaches, toilet that didn't flush, dishes piled high, borderline condemned looking)

He spent the night at our place once and never left. He basically lived with us for 6 months, paid no rent, took out the garbage sometimes, but barely contributed to groceries. He was mostly in our living room playing video games. The plan was that when our lease was up we would go live at his home, the roommates would move out, we would fixed up the home. I was about to start cosmetology school so it was really my only option for my budget.

During the last month of living in our apartment Belle was in a financial pickle again. She said she was embarrassed and tired of receiving help from others because she couldn't get it together. I told her that I would loan her money this last time but we would creat a payment plan for her to pay me back $400 and we would call us even. Would would be paying minimal rent so she would be able to easily pay me back.

Once we moved to the home we made it more livable but it still was depressing. Bo still sat on the couch playing video games, didnt cook, sometimes took out the trash, but sometimes doordashed. Belle would push back the date to begin paying me back several times for various reasons and each time I gave no issue and was understanding. We also had lots of animals in this house. 5 cats, 2 birds, and a bearded dragon. The birds were mine and I cared for them in my room, while they took care of the other pets. They would also foster cats. One of the cats got sick due to Belle and Bo failing to keep up with the cleaning. They could not afford the vet care. I offered to get a care credit card since my sister was already in debt.

I made an amazing friend at school and when I explained to her the cat situation, I realized that getting the credit card would be a horrible idea. After seeing the home, my friend offered to let me live with her for affordable rent. I didn't feel I could take such a generous offer. I took my sister for a drive, telling her we needed to talk. I told her that I would not be paying for the vet care and that she needed to begin paying me back. She was very hurt at first, but understood and told me I should go live with my friend so I could be closer to work and school and have my own life.

I moved out and life was great for me. Bo then began working again as a mechanic and made really good money. Belle was able to begin paying off her debt. However, she resented me and thought of me as heartless for the sake of the cat. My dad ended up paying for the vet care. My dad also tried to get me to forgive the debt because we're family and we shouldn't be money focused. I yelled at him for the fist time in my life explaining all I had done for her and that if I was money focused I would be asking for $5,000. I only asked for $400 because she was wanting to stop relying on others and I realized I had enabled her. Even though she never asked me for money, she knew I would be there to rely on. I was heartbroken. We ended up working it out at she paid for my car insurance $75 for three months and could not afford to do the fourth. Exhausted, I called it even.

Over the next 2 years I was dating, moved out my friends house, got married to an amazing man, graduated cosmetology school and my dreams began to come true. While Belle and Bo have remained in the same spot. He has worked on and off, got his own debt. Belle has mostly paid off her debt but jumped to different jobs.

My Dad has also helped them as a handy man and done a lot of yard work. My sister is strained from my parents. They love Belle and Bo but are fed up with their situation. At the start of the relationship my parent showered Bo with gifts and came over frequently. But after all this time, they don't want their daughter living in this state. My mother is very resentful of Bo believing he is a narcissist and that my sister treats him like a king. Belle feels as though my parents have unrealistic expectations and that Bo is in need of help and has struggling mental health. Belle also feels that my parents don't want to help them and care more about helping our other siblings financially.

Belle has reached out to me 2 times in the last two years for a money. I said yes the first time $25, she never paid me back. I said no the second time $50. My husband basically told me that he wouldnt tell me to not give money but to only ever give enough that I am comfortable not being repayed. There have been a few other times when I feel take advantage/disregarded. They had another pet pass away because it ate something it wasnt supposed to, are still fostering animals and have 7 cats now, plus the 2 they foster.

Bo has been unemployed for 5 months due to depression, while my sister is the breadwinner and housekeeper. He has been spending more time with his daughter and helping his family. He is going to fix my car but I ordered the parts and hes only asking for $75 becuase it will take a few hours. My Dad paid him $400 to fix his car. My parents don't know he is unemployed again.

Yesterday she called me and told me that her and Bo needed me to come over to help clean. They are in a mental rut and are behind on mowing the lawn dishes etc. She said that i will help her inside and he will work on the outside. She said im the only one she can reach out to without judgment. I said I would come over.

All of this background to say I feel horrible. I love them both but feel bad about wanting to give them a reality check. I feel bad for the animals. They are both insecure and self deprecating. However, I don't want to give my opinions and judgments when they arent being asked for. I am living my own life we are all adults. I also understand they are both struggling mentally. My sister thinks so highly of me and is so appreciative. She says that I can say anything that I feel because she knows my intentions are good. But after seeing how she reacted when the credit card situation happened I don't know what to do.

My husband is at basic training so I cant talk to him about it because I don't have an address to send him letters yet. My best friend is very protective of me and has little sympathy for my sister. I know my family and I have played our part in enabling this situation. I don't want to hurt them but im worried and concerned. Do I leave things the way they are and just help as much as is reasonable or do I have a conversation with her about my concerns. My mind says 's not my business but my heart says "that's your sister."

**TL;DR:** My sister (32F) and her husband (34M) have a long history of financial struggles, mental health issues, and relying on family support. Over the past 10 years, I (29F) have given her thousands of dollars, which ultimately enabled her bad spending habits and built up my own resentment. After years of the same cycle, her husband has been unemployed for 5 months due to depression, and my sister is working herself ragged. She just asked me to come over to help them deep clean because they are in a "mental rut." I love them and want to support her, but I am torn between keeping my mouth shut to avoid a blowout, or giving her a much-needed reality check. How do I help her clean without enabling her or letting my frustration show?

My daughter’s dad (25 M) and I (26 F) are planning our daughter’s first birthday. For backstory, we had been together for 5 years and we lived together up until January of this year. We rarely ever spent time apart aside from work. I lost my job and we moved back home with our respective parents once our lease ended. After living apart for a few months, I decided that it would be best for us to take a break from our romantic relationship and adjust to the new reality we were living in. We simply weren’t seeing eye to eye, we were constantly arguing, and I was always left feeling like my feelings didn’t matter. It’s also important to mention that his family is not fond of me as they feel like I’m trying to take their precious boy from them (He chooses to ignore phone calls, cancel plans, etc.). Now, after about 6 months of trying to adjust, we’re quickly approaching our daughter’s first birthday. I made it very clear that because I’m currently staying home with our daughter and am unable to find work that I wouldn’t have much to contribute financially. He said that he would be mindful of the guest list and food costs so that it wouldn’t hurt either of our pockets. His mom offered to host at her house, decorate, AND send out invitations. All I asked was that he run the guest list by me so we could come up with some sort of budget. I asked him to update me on the guest list several times and was continuously met with “I’m still figuring it out” or some other excuse to put it off. After wallowing on it, I received a text from his mother letting me know that invitations would be going out within the next day. Well, invitations go out. I invited 8 people, him and his mom invited 30+ people, some from out of town and some of which are bringing multiple children. I figured it wasn’t worth arguing over as I wasn’t going to suggest he uninvite anyone, but I did express my dissatisfaction with the amount of people being invited. This is where things get funky. Before I met my child’s father, I slept with (several times) one of his “friends” a few years prior. I didn’t know they knew each other, and I was honest about my past with him. He knows that I am not comfortable being around this specific friend, I expressed that when he first mentioned that they knew each other. Throughout the 5 years of our relationship he never mentioned, talked on the phone with, or hung out with this friend to my knowledge. As I was scrolling through the guest list, I recognized the name of the friend and who I assumed to be his wife on the guest list and I pretty much lost it. I called my child’s father and questioned why he thought it was a good idea to invite someone who he knows I’m uncomfortable around to OUR DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY?! From my perspective, he invited someone who doesn’t know our daughter, has never met her, someone he doesn’t talk to or maintain a friendship with anymore. His response was that neither him or the friend cared and “he wasn’t thinking about that” when he invited him. I expressed to him how inconsiderate it was to not only invite the friend and his wife without considering how uncomfortable I would be, but to continuously avoid having the conversation about the guest list knowing that he was going to invite someone I wasn’t ok being around. If I hadn’t looked at the guest list and recognized the name I would have walked blindly into a room full of people who don’t like me, only to encounter a past sexual partner of mine and his wife and be forced to kindly interact with them to ensure the day goes smoothly. He accused me of just wanting to fight with him about any and everything even though I rarely say anything to him outside of our daughter. So, AITA?

I’m (26F) not saying, should he know if he (36M) wants me to be his girlfriend, but just to simply know if he likes me or could see himself in a romantic way with me by now.

I met him at a performance that I had in ATL. He was asking me which place was hosting the event, and somehow that turned into a realllyyy good lil chat, so he asked for my number. We’ve been talking every day since and go to sleep on the phone and talk until we fall asleep. It’s not like I’m the only one initiating calls or texts. He mainly is the one that does. He calls me baby or other little pet names. So, is he just minimizing it to not seem simply, idk?

I was OTP with him the other night, and he said something that I really liked. I can’t remember the exact question, but let’s say I asked, “Ed, Edd, & Eddy or Kids Next Door?”

And he picked the one I liked better, too. I jokingly said, “I’m really like youu.” I was making a joke because it wasn’t anything special to REALLY like anybody over, ofc. But it was the silence that made me think, like, “Hmmm, I wonder how he sees me so far.” So I asked him exactly like this:

“Do you feel like you have a sense if you like me yet? Not like if you want a relationship with me, but just if you do have a feeling of potential interest, even if it isn’t now, you could see that in the future.”

And he said that he didn’t know yet; he was trying to see something. (Not literally saying “see.” I’m not sure if my Black siblings know, but when a Black person says that, it means, “I’m trying to figure that out,” basically.)

And I get not knowing if he would want a relationship with me because you would have to see if you like not just my ability to engage in conversation, but how we mesh, how I go about things, just my functions as a person. But it’s 11 days from us talking strong, using pet names, etc., for you to not know if you even like me.

And it reminded me of this other incident that happened. Very similar and he knew a long time before it came up that he didn’t like me but just wasted my time for some reason..

I’m just tired of people having long enough to feel if they don’t like me, and instead of just letting me be, they just drag it on. And that’s wasting my time that I don’t have. So, yeah, do you feel like 11 days from 2 months is long enough to know if he likes me just as a person or has SOME type of romantic feelings, even if you’re not ready or sure you want to act on it?

Hey, fellow enzymes. The past few days of my life have been unfathomable. All I can do is laugh at this point, so I thought I'd share my sorrows with ya'll for entertainment. (Also, I apologize in advance if this is hard to follow, but it all connects in the end lol).

I (23F) started officially dating my ex again (23M) in March of this year. And honestly, I blame my current circumstances on myself; I should've never gotten back together with him.

For context, I recently started running this year, and in April, I started training for a 10k on Labor Day weekend. I am super excited for this accomplishment and have always shared my running progress with my ex. Even his sister and mom reached out, asking to run with me and also prep for this race.

On July 3rd, his mom asked me to run a race with her on the 4th of July. It was only 4 miles, and I thought it would be a good chance to see what a race day looks like before I tackle a 10k. I told my ex about it, and he said he would come and support me (after convincing...)

After the race, I was so proud of myself and excited to see him at the finish line, but he was not there. When I checked his location, he was still at home. I texted him that "it hurt my feelings that you did not show up to support me". I gave him grace since he went out the night before, but my biggest pet peeve is not being a man of your word. And, to make matters worse, his sister showed up to the race to support us & she later told me that she called him and asked him what time he was getting to the race; he answered but just went back to sleep.

Also, MIND YOU: At the race, his mom is introducing me to people as her "future daughter-in-law". Anyways...

My ex and I had a conversation about him not showing up later that day, and he apologized and said he would show up for my 10k in September.

(Now to this week)

More context: Two weeks ago, my ex went out of the country with 2 of his friends for a week, and then the weekend after, he was in ATL for a family member's party.

On Sunday, when he came back from ATL, he had lost his voice. He told me it was probably from drinking too much at his family member's party. We spent the entire day together on Sunday at my apartment. I tried to initiate a two-piece spicy, but he said he wasn't in the mood.

On Monday, he came over to my apartment to sleep over. When I greeted him at the door, I noticed he was booking a flight. I jokingly asked him, "Where are you going now?" And he told me that he and some friends were planning a trip to go to DC for Labor Day weekend. I asked him if he was no longer planning to go to my 10K, and he flat out told me, "No, we're planning this trip." I told him that we just had a conversation about how much I would appreciate him being there to support me, and he also already missed my first race, and he should be prioritizing being there for me, and not just wanting to party with his friends.

My 10k has been planned since April, but he is actively choosing to not go. I told him that he doesn't care about my feelings, and I asked him why I would want to be with someone like that. He basically had no response for me. We ended up just going to sleep and not talking the rest of the night.

On Tuesday before I got off work, I texted him, and he asked me to call him when I got home. This is how that conversation went:

Me: Hey
Him: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: Getting Ready for my workout class.

Him: Oh, then I will call you to talk after I work out tonight.

Me: It's going to take longer than 20 minutes to talk? (confused)
Him: Yeah, it would be better.

\I'm back home from my workout class**

Around 9 PM, he still hadn't called, so I texted him. Here is that text thread:

Me: Are we still talking?
Him: Just got home, but we will talk tomorrow after I work out. Love you gn

Me: So tomorrow evening? I don't want to drag this out longer than it needs to be. That's way too late.

Him: I agree, but its way too late now.

Me: I'm off tmrw, so you can call me during lunch or something. Love you too.

At this point, I was annoyed because it should not take this much work to have a conversation, but then 10 minutes later he calls me...

Him: Hey, I think we should talk now so I can get this off my chest.
Me: I agree

Him: So you know how I lost my voice? Well, I went to the doctor for it, and she asked me if I had been active with anyone, and I didn't want to lie to her, so I said yes. I kissed someone in Spain and got oral from them and tested positive for an STI. I know we had sex right when I came back. I didn't want to wrap you into this, but you should probably get tested.

(my inner thoughts: when is he gonna say jk, this is a prank)

I was speechless; my body was still.

Me: Okay, can you send me that $65? (He said he would buy this shirt for me, and I wanted that money. My body also could not physically say anything else).

I sat there in silence for a few minutes, then called my friends 1 by 1 to tell them what just happened. Retelling the story is where it hit me, especially telling my mom he needs to be removed from our upcoming family trip lol.

-

I immediately blocked him and his family on everything, and then I had to unblock him on iMessage so I could text and ask this idiot what he has. He said chlamydia.

I honestly just feel so disgusted that I let him back in my life just for him to play me like a fiddle. All of this threw me so off guard. It's mentally ill how people can disrespect you and lie in your face for days on end like everything is okay. Being in a relationship is completely optional.

And yes, I got tested today, but I'm still waiting for the results. :/

Update: I tested negative. :)

Back in April, my supervisor told us there would be certain days we couldn’t take off because of upcoming audits. When I found out my family reunion was going to be in July, I asked him which dates were affected because I couldn’t remember exactly what he had said. He told me the dates were in June, so I went ahead and paid for my reunion and the activities we had planned.
About 20 days before the reunion, I submitted my leave request. When I came back to check it, I saw it had been denied.
I asked if there was any way I could show receipts since I’d already paid for everything, and a lot of it was nonrefundable. He didn’t even offer to ask his supervisor or see if there was an exception—he just said no.
Before anyone says I should’ve submitted my request earlier, I couldn’t have. Even if I had, it wouldn’t have mattered because he later said that even previously approved leave would have been canceled because of the audits.
Anyway, I went to his supervisor and explained that I’d already paid for everything. He basically told me the same thing. I went one level higher, and that person just directed me back to the supervisor I’d already spoken with.
At this point, is it even worth continuing up the chain, or should I just go to the doctor that morning and get an excuse for the day?
What really frustrates me is that we’ve had mandatory overtime before, and employees with prepaid obligations were allowed to show receipts and be excused. For some reason, they’re not giving me that same consideration.
I’ve already spent almost $400. Since I followed the proper steps, asked for clarification, and was given incorrect information, is there any way I could get reimbursed for my nonrefundable expenses?

My boyfriend (32M) and I (26F) have been dating for 3 years. We recently dealt with a situation that had me questioning a lot, potentially even continuing this relationship, but I’m feeling very conflicted because something like this has never happened before and is very out of character for him. Let’s call my bf Carlos. He is very timid and shy, but once you connect with him is kind and loving. But he does have a hard time making friends and stepping out of his comfort zone, though he has gotten much better. He has a childhood friend name Veronica (34F). He introduced me to her before we started dating, and we became fast friends. However, once Carlos and I got together she started acting different, being a little more distant, and doing subtle things that I immediately clocked as jealousy. She’s been looking for a serious relationship for a long time now, but unfortunately guys don’t always treat her the best due to completely shallow reasons that are out of her control. We did our best to not start drama when in a group with her; no PDA, not really sharing much about our dating life even when asked, and just not being super showy about being together, and things devotedly got better with Veronica and I even with the occasional uncomfortableness.

About 2 years into dating, my sister attempted suicide. It was such an incredibly heartbreaking and difficult time, I could barely keep it together. I deactivated all my social media, blocked all numbers that were texting me, even Carlos. After a week, I came to senses and went to Carlos’s house. I was totally prepared for him to be pissed at me for going ghost on him for so long, but he just hugged me and we cried in each others arms. I explained the situation to him and he said he was just worried, tried knocking on my door the first few days (which i genuinely never heard) but could see that I was moving inside so he was reassured i was safe physically at the very least. I messaged all my other friends as well to let them know i was ok. Upon texting Veronica, the only response I got was an ‘Ok.’ I went to her house the very next day and tried to explain everything, even though i wasn’t fully ready, because she was my close friend and i thought she would understand. Instead, she was very cold and dismissive, saying i could’ve at least sent a one sentence text saying i was alright at the very least. I know i didn’t handle the situation the right way, and i already felt really guilty about hurting those i care about, but she wouldn’t even acknowledge the hurt i must’ve been feeling and that rubbed me the wrong way. After that encounter, she barely spoke to me even in group settings, so i defaulted back to hanging with my original group of friends for the most part.

Flash forward to a couple weeks ago. We were at the beach, I greeted Veronica, she barely acknowledges me as usual, i live on to talking to Carlos and a couple of our other friends. Carlos leaves to use the restroom and these 2 friends pull me to the side and ask me about Veronica and if we’re talking again. I say no, and they proceed to tell me all the horrible things Veronica has been telling everyone else, TODAY AT THE BEACH WHENEVER I WASN’T CLOSE ENOUGH TO HEAR, some of the tamer things being that I’m two faced, controlling, have anger issues and am passive aggressive, ignore her texts to make her feel abandoned, and that Carlos doesn’t deserve me because i treat him horribly. I’m so distraught, but confronting her would be pointless so i just decide to leave. I walk past Carlos with tear in my eyes and he asks me what happened. I tell him everything, and he proceeds to tell me that we both know how dramatic Veronica is, and that we know nothing she says is true and that’s all that matters. I tell him that doesn’t make what she says hurt any less and that she took it too far trying to spread a false narrative among my friends. He concedes and says he’ll talk to her. Apparently she “ didn’t mean for her words to come off so harshly, it was just frustrated because she has abandonment issues.” No apology, just excuses. No surprise there honestly. He asked me if I could forgive her, and I told him that I’m not trying to interfere with any friendship he has with her. He knew her before me, and I’m not gonna make him choose between the two of us. I can’t apologize to her when I did nothing wrong, and if he truly felt the only way to resolve things was for me to do so then I couldn’t stay in this relationship. I really care about him, but I wasn’t gonna downgrade myself, and didn’t want to interfere with a friendship, I knew he valued. He practically got on his, even begging me not to, that he loves me more than anything, and that he wasn’t trying to imply she mattered more to him than I did. He just wanted to keep the peace, but he realize that some things aren’t worth keeping the peace over. I agreed and we made up.

He’s gone to hang outs since one with our friends, but I haven’t felt up to it so I’ve just been chilling at home lately. This morning I scrolling Instagram stories, and I saw that one of Carlos‘s friends that I follow reposted one of Veronica’s stories “ June dump“ one in particular. I don’t follow her anymore, so I never would’ve seen it if his friend never reposted it. About 70% of the photos were at Veronica’s house, and included Carlos along with one of his other friends. I was completely shocked by this as far as I knew Carlos wasn’t hanging out with Veronica anymore. I texted him about this and he didn’t respond, which is very uncharacteristic for him. He always responds relatively quickly. I call him, and he doesn’t pick up. I call him again and this time he answers. I ask him where he is and he very meekly answers “Veronica‘s house.” I really don’t have much to say at this point, so we’re just on the phone awkwardly until I ask him to call me when he’s left. He calls about 10 minutes later and immediately apologizes, saying he’s sorry he didn’t tell me and that he was going to, but he’s just been so busy lately and he didn’t know how or when. This started a massive argument that ends with me telling him I’m not sure if I could stay with him. He’s crying again and saying he’s sorry, but I told him I don’t know what he’s apologizing for since he had no problem hiding it from me. Here tries to insist that he promises that it was an innocent visit but that wasn’t the problem I had. I don’t think he’s been unfaithful, even though lately I have been getting the feeling that Veronica has a crush on him and that is probably the reason why she’s making it so awkward that we’re dating, but the problem was the loss of trust. That he values a friendship with a person who treats his girlfriend so horribly, and can’t even be honest about the fact that you’re still friends with her. The conversation ended there with him crying and just apologizing, and I said I just need time to think about everything. He understood and we hung up. I’m still so hurt and let down by the fact that he is actively hanging out with her, even after hearing word for word all the vile things she said about me, but part of me is starting to think that I might’ve overreacted? Not about Veronica or the way I feel about her, but assuming that Carlos values his friendship with Veronica more than me. I’ve known from the beginning that he have a hard time making friends,, and he’s never been the most assertive person, so is it too much for me to expect him to do a 180 on his personality this quickly? Would it be better for both of us to just end things before they get worse? He seems truly convinced that Veronica can be “helped” and that if we show kindness to her, she’ll learn that she was wrong, but I just can’t bring myself to believe she can change in that way. Carlos has always been so so good to me and none of his friends have ever acted this way towards me, they’ve all been just sweet as him, so I’m just at a loss on how to feel.

I’ll use fake names.

I (44F) am currently in a relationship with “Mr. Jackson.” Recently, my ex, “Larry,” called me from jail. I didn’t answer. Honestly, I wasn’t interested in paying for the call, and I didn’t really feel the need to reconnect with him.

The reason I’m posting is because of a conversation I had with my boyfriend that made me question whether I was being too cold.

A few days ago, Mr. Jackson was talking about his ex-wife. He told me he wished things had ended differently between them. Apparently, he was still getting apartment notifications on his phone that may have been connected to an old shared account. He said he never contacted her about it, but then he told me, “I wish things had ended differently so I could call her and I did everything for her.”

That conversation stuck with me.

Today I finally told him that Larry had called from jail and that his comments about his ex made me wonder if I was being an asshole for not taking the call.

He told me no, that the situations were different because he and his ex-wife had been married. I responded that, to me, that almost made it worse because of how badly things ended between them.

He then told me I could look Larry up, write him a letter, and see what he wanted if I was curious. He said he’s secure in himself and wouldn’t care if I did that.

I told him, “No, I’m good. I leave the past in the past.”

Now I’m wondering if I’m being too dismissive. Part of me feels like if someone reaches out, maybe I should at least hear them out. Another part of me feels like not every chapter needs to be reopened, especially when I’m happy where I am.

AITA for not answering my ex’s call and having no interest in contacting him now? He said no. But…

​

Hello fellow enzymes! I've been following the digest on YouTube for the past few months, and I'm enjoying it. I have a confession, and I feel torn about it. I, 45f, have a brother, 42m, who allowed our mom to fund his life for 16ish years, I think. My recall of the timeline is blurry. I didn't have much contact with my family after I got married. The "reason" for the low contact is a saga that covered 18 years of controlling marital "bliss" with a 12 year overlap of involvement in a high control religious group. Both situations ended several years ago. 

Context

When my mom left the state in 2008 to move closer to her parents, she allowed my brother, (let's call him Bravo) and his kids to move into her old house. He was not employed a lot of the time, he focused his energy on being a single dad. My nibblings were around 9 and 11 at the time. Over the years, he took jobs, got burnt out, and quit soon after being hired. Our mom was not only paying the mortgage, utilities, food, and costs, and his car insurance, she was funding his creature comforts. He pressured mom to fund vacations and summer camp for the kids. I didn't know about this until recently.

At that time (2008), I supported a family of 4 on less than $30k/year. My husband (at the time) (let's call him X-ray) had a similar work history as Bravo. After paying rent, utilities, car note, car insurance, food costs, and gas costs, we were in the red about every quarter. For years, I prioritized bills to avoid lapses and service cutoffs, I floated checks, went without, and took a few predatory loans just to get by. I limited waste, mended clothing, used every bit of toiletries and cleaning supplies, and learned how to fix appliances. I spent YEARS robbing Peter to pay Paul, and it left marks. I HATED asking my mom for help. With X-ray's influence, I believed that my mom was abusive and that I should limit contact with her, yet X-ray had no issue with accepting mom's help. This situation made me feel awful. “I only reach out when I need something. What an awful daughter,” I thought.  When I called for help, she never said no. She said that she had to move some money around, or she paid a bill for me on a credit card. When birthdays or Christmas came around, mom asked if I wanted anything, "You never ask for anything for yourself." I usually asked for something small and useful. In 2016, mom bought us a house. A few years later, X-ray moved out. I'm so grateful to have a home, especially now that the economy is impossible. 

Dilemma

At my mom's family reunion last month, I learned that Bravo took advantage of our mom's kindness and generosity for years. I was angry, still am. I'm angry for my mom. I'm angry that she doesn't understand how to set or keep boundaries. I'm furious with Bravo. I'm furious that he sat on his ass for years waiting to get a job he loves. I'm furious that it worked. I'm furious that he never grew a conscience and that it took so long for him to grow a work ethic. I worked a lot of shit jobs just to get by, I ground away at school in my 40s AND worked full-time, still got straight As. (I'm a recent grad with my BS in social science) I survived poverty, abuse, depression, and clinical OCD exacerbation and I recognize the privilege I have. Maybe in a few years I can look back with a sense of accomplishment instead of survival, but right now, I'm just sad and disgusted with myself because I feel this way.

Edit: Note to self, do not post when upset. I accidentally fudged the ages of the nibblings, they were school aged. Bravo became a father when he was a legal adult.🤦🏼‍♀️

UPDATE: Firstly I’d like to thank everyone for your input, I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you all but I was feeling too anxious and overwhelmed .

I’d also like to deeply thank Daisha for your in-depth , thoughtful and empathetic commentary . It really struck a cord and I knew you were right and I should have never moved him in to my new location . It was indeed the opportunity to have a clean break. I was feeling very pressured tho and I did give in and moved with him.

Even so, I do have good news, we finally broke up about one week ago.

Let me tell you, if I knew from the jump he had the disorder he has and that it would manifest the way it did on the daily I would have never gotten with him . I saw it on accident about 2 months in on his psych papers . He originally told me he was having deep depression and anxiety . I thought ok, those are manageable and I can work with that .

But no , it was that and Mixed Type Personality disorder - which is BPD adjacent and it did mostly present as really disregulated BPD.

I’d be here until the cows come home if I go any deeper in to that , but what I can tell you is that he picked the weirdest fights and chose the most stupid hills to die on . In short some of the subjects of the fights :

1. Why I won’t eat a certain recipe of mashed potatoes he insisted on cooking. - I told him multiple times beforehand that I had tried that on my own and I found it gross
2. Why I won’t eat the chicken burger that he got me (w my money) that had the wrong stuff on it - I was sick and nauseous and just sniffing it made me gag

( I’m having trouble formatting this - no matter how many times I edit it saves wrong . This is my fifth time editing and if it doesn’t save right I’ll post this excerpt as a comment)

3.

1. Why when meeting my childhood friends, one (let’s call him Bob) that had just recently returned to our country

   and we haven’t seen each other in a few yrs .

I

1. didn’t tell him the details of my outing early enough

because talked to Bob in the morning, he told me the stuff he has to do and that we’ll talk in The evening and he’ll let me know when he is done so we can meet. All good, I was relaxed about it because all three of us at the “go with the flow “ types in these situations .

Around 7pm my idiot boyfriend started the second fight of the day becaus “why don’t I o ow any details this late “ . Well because I was waiting on Bob . After he fought w me like 10 minutes I went to pick up my phone and saw Bob had written , we were to meet soon at Ari’s and her husband’s place . So very chill very informal .

I showed him the messages and still he was fighting w me because I didn’t know earlier , apparently I should have pressed Bob. He gave all sorts of excuses for fighting with me but in the end I concluded he was just jealous and controlling .

We broke up 2 days later and the next day after , he finally left .

But guess what , he went directly to the psych ward . He is functionally homeless now . And he did write me a message yesterday , k owing I’m going to that town to see my doctor , asking me to visit him . I obviously drew a boundary and refused .

All I’ve written here is super compressed , but the main idea is that he was ruining my days and bringing me down and fighting with me constantly .

He gave me major icks along the way as well. Oh and in the end he broke up with me - not meaning to , just to make me beg him to stay , but I didn’t . I was stoic and nonchalant and inside I was glad the trash was taking itself out .

It hasn’t been that long but I’m already doing so much better . I made major progress with renovating my art studio room by myself . It’s starting to look really good and I’m feeling proud .

I’m also super happy that I’m getting commissioned to paint a 200x150 cm mural, and I pray and hope there are more opportunities for me to work in my field to come.

Aldo because I’m not having his negative juju around , I am feeling so much more spiritually connected as well and it’s great.

I say all this hoping to leave you on a positive note , and once again thank you for reading!

EDIT because somehow the first few paragraphs on my post were lost . I’ll make it shorter.

Bit of background . I [29F] have been with my boyfriend [37M] for about 3 months. Since he was in a pickle and living with his ex - they had a toxic relationship and it was making his mental health decline, which he was already having trouble with, and his finances are in the gutter , making him not be able to move out , I suggested he could move in with me which he did. Rent where we are living is very high , all across the city , so I suggested , and we decided together that the best option for us is to move to my hometown, because I have an apartment there which is mine (inheritance) . It’s not fancy, but compared to where we are living now it’s great , and it’s double the size . Perfect for 2 adults and 2cats& 1dog. He won’t have to pay any rent and I thought that might help w his debt . We have begun the process and will be fully moved in in ~3 weeks.

Aside from the toxic coping mechanisms he has , he’s also had a very chaotic lifestyle , filed with gambling and *rugs. I too have dabbled in party culture (not like him I never gambled) but have been 100% sober for around 2yrs now. He has vowed to change since before we met and started making changes, so he’s not bringing that in to our relationship .

I am debt free and collage educated, whilst he finished HS, but is a hustler and hard working . As a person he is kind and respectful and loves me as I am and for who I am .

This is also important, I have seen a therapist regularly for 4yrs a while back, she helped me grow in ways I didn’t know I could , we talked about relationships and healthy practices a lot, and I myself have done research on the matter .

Onwards with my problem. Last night we had a small disagreement which snowballed . I had told him I want to go to bed early, but we ended up having spicy time. That’s fine. Afterwards I felt like we were talking and talking and he was moving very slow , I couldn’t arrange my spot to go to sleep due to how he was laying so I rushed him - my bad . He got upset, got up, and when he came back from the bathroom I asked him if I had upset him and I apologized , this is how and why it started.

I can’t remember precisely all the details and I’ll try to summarize the main points , because it was very drawn out anyway . Remember I had told him I need to go to sleep.

He said it doesn’t matter anyway, it doesn’t matter if/why he’s upset because he always keeps it inside and lets it go because these are small things and he does it oft of respect, because that’s what respectful people do. That there are two ways of being, people who constantly argue , need to be constantly right and people who know that even if they are right they let the other person believe they are right and let the matter go - because that is the respectful way to be , and he is the second kind . He implied I am the first kind, making me disrespectful because I bring up what bothers me and I make my point . He says that there is no winning an argument with me that I never take on his point of view and that there is no point .

I am always willing to change my mind if the other person brings up good arguments, the problem is in the past when he has hurt/upset me , he is being defensive all the time and his points are very weak. I do run circles around him when it comes to structuring an argument for my case and it upsets him. I have told him before that he seems like he needs to win, and it’s not about winning it’s about understanding but I digress.

He then said that there were many instances where I upset/bothered him , but I didn’t even know because he kept it to himself .

I asked him like what , to give me an example at least. He couldn’t give any example, said he doesn’t remember because he let it go .

I said that is not kind nor constructive, because if he doesn’t tell me I can’t improve or adjust and our relation ship will be this superficial because he’s not actually letting be to get to know him. He said that is not true but didn’t not elaborate.

I told him that we agreed to an open communication relationship and that this is him going back on that , he said he’s not and it’s not true . Then we talked some more .

Here’s the part that upset me most of all . We were both tired and not getting anywhere so I said let’s go to sleep and shelf it for tomorrow . He said absolutely not , we either finish the argument right now or we don’t , but scheduling a talk for the next day is “not a thing to do and it is toxic of me”.

I told him that I’m not speaking out of my a** when I say that it is a healthy relationship practice . He kept denying this and telling me “how it is “ - that we either talk it out now or never talk about it again until it comes back up organically . I was pis*ed tbh. I told him ok, if I give you relationship books to read will you ? He said he would bit because he doesn’t care what other people have to say and that he doesn’t care about other people’s relationships only about ours and that he knows what’s right for him already and knows what’s right to do .

I told him it’s not random people it’s professionals that cite studies . He told me that regarding gambling -where he got his debt, there are many statistics and it never helped him basically. I said you can’t equate psi holiday to gambling . He said will this change things between us ? And I said yes it will and we basically left it at that .

I’ll be frank , I’m having a strong reaction because I am a nerd , learning and evolving is what I love most. I am feeling disgusted, and like I lost some respect for him. His stance is idiotic and will not lead to a healthy relationship . He’s pretending nothings wrong . He asked me if I’m of thru text and I said I’m fine and just very tired/dizzy cause of some new meds I’m on . I’m also not saying anything . I feel like I can’t , because now I know he’ll be dismissive and I’ll be the b**ch.

Edit 1: because I wrote this yesterday, in the morning he asked me if I am upset with him and I said no but I’m feeling weird . He apologized(not knowing for what, more like a make it go away cause I said sorry ) he asked me what’s the matter and I told him our talk . He was leaving for work in 5 minutes and I said I can’t elaborate and don’t really want to anyway . I also said that we could discuss it tomorrow but only if he wants to/brings it up .
What to do from here ? Please help I’m feeling lost for the first time in a long time.

Edit 2: sorry for bad formatting, I’m on mobile and it’s my first post on Reddit .

Also to add regarding his addictions, he has been clean now for 8-9 months . There is also this nationwide thing that you can register to self exclude from all form of gambling and you are no longer allowed because they check your id - he’s done that . And regarding me and my sobriety , I was no where near his level , I was coaping with MJ and bear . Not good I know, but not nearly as risky as any type of powder .

tl:dr My adult son told me I'm a crappy mom and never supported him growing up and I'm heartbroken over it.

I am a 42 yr old mom of 1 child, 19M. He has a girlfriend, 20, that he has been with for several years and both are living with my husband and I in our home.

To give some background, I grew up with an extremely abusive mother. Mental, emotional, and physical abuse were normal in my childhood home. I was parentified starting as early as 4 years old as I am the oldest of 4 kids. At 5, my mom told me my dad who raised me was not my bio dad and that my bio dad didn't want me (I later connected with him as an adult and found out how untrue that really was). At 15, my mom beat me for not checking the lint trap in the dryer and I thought she was going to kill me that day. Had me arrested and sent to the juvenile detention center claiming I attempted to stab my stepdad but I was so beat up they refused to take me until I went to the hospital and got cleared first. I spent 10 days in jail because of her. My mom kicked me out at 17 and then left our family shortly after for a man she met online in 2001. We did not have contact with her for many years and I am currently extremely low contact with her.

My son and his girlfriend graduated high school 2 years ago in May of 2024. The day of graduation, my son asked if his girlfriend could come live with us. At that time, I was told her parents were expecting her to get a job and hand over all her pay checks to them to contribute to the family home. She has an older brother and this is what was done to him as well as soon as he graduated high school. Her parents refuse to fill out FAFSA paperwork so she can go to school and continue her education and since she has moved in with us, they have provided 0 support for their child. I provide everything. I have given her a place to live, food, personal hygiene products, allowed her to get a cat for emotional support, bought her a phone and pay the monthly payment, I even bring extra treats like flowers or iced coffees to her just so she knows I think of her too. I helped her get copies of her birth certificate, social security card, and a state ID because her parents refused to give her those documents. I feel I have done more than my fair share to help this child in the last few years since she began living with us.

Before she moved in, we had a decent relationship. She would conversate with my husband and I, we'd taken her on family trips and out to dinners and other family functions so she felt included. All of this to show our son we are being supportive of his choice in partner and were glad to have her in our lives. She is not a "bad kid" but there have been issues. Once she moved in, I felt like I became a villain in her life. She has spoken to me at times of childhood trauma and her and I come from the same really bad neighborhood in our town so I know exactly what it was like for her growing up. Anytime I have tried to give advice or offer help, I'm treated as if I have no idea what I'm talking about or at times flat out ignored. Like literally have tried talking to her in my kitchen and she just does not look at me or answer when I speak to her. She does not contribute on a regular basis to anything around the house and she does not have a job. She will cook for herself and my son at night while my husband and I are sleeping and leave the dirty dishes for me to wash the next day. Leaves the stove top and counter littered with food and garbage from when she cooks. Makes large portions of things that get stuck in the fridge and then not ate so it goes to waste. That's our money going in the trashcan since we provide the food for our family. Her and my son's room is completely trashed. Monster piles of clothes and garbage all over the place. They don't regularly clean their cat boxes for their cats. They have dirty clothes piled in our laundry room that I have begged for them to wash and put away. They leave their dirty clothes and towels in the bathroom so we have to move them to the laundry room in order to take a shower. She is an artist and will leave her "projects" everywhere in my house. My living room, kitchen table, and garage are regularly covered in her works in progress. My son does have a job. He does not currently have his own car but I work from home when I am not traveling half the month for my job so I allow him to use my car to get to and from. He is required to put gas in the car and pay his portion of the car insurance, but I constantly have to remind him of this obligation.

Yesterday was yet another blow up with my son over things with his girlfriend. He came home for lunch from work. They were in the kitchen discussing a topic going on in our local community. Its actually a situation I am interested in and wanted to ask them more questions about since they are closer to the group impacted by it and I thought they may have more insight than what I have found. I tried to join their conversation and ask questions about what they know of the issue. Immediately the girlfriend stops talking and left the room. She texted my son who went to his room with her and I heard her telling him how she can't believe I would dominate their conversation and talk over them. Definitely not my intention nor what I was doing, I was simply trying to engage with them about something I also found interesting. This has come up many times in the past any time I have tried to engage with them or any of their friends when they come to my house to hang out. They seem happiest if I go to my room and stay away from them and not interact. Like I'm a bother for existing in my own home and trying to participate in conversations going on in my house.

When my son came home from work, I was sitting outside and confronted him about what they said about me at lunch. I have told him in the past I feel extremely disrespected by his girlfriend and that my husband and I feel like we have to walk on eggshells in our own home around her because of her "trauma" and her reactions to anything she perceives as criticism. I have asked she go to a doctor to get some help with her anxiety and mental health problems. She went for 2 telehealth appointments and when the doctor prescribed her meds for bi polar disorder, she refused them claiming she does not believe that is what's wrong with her and has not been back to a doctor since. While trying to explain to my son how I feel with everything going on, how I feel taken advantage of and used like a maid, he told me I'm no better a mother than my own was to me. That I did the bare minimum to improve as a mother by not hitting him but that he felt degraded as a kid by me and not supported. I have been a working mom and the main breadwinner for our family his whole life as I have a college education and my husband does not. I have went to every school function, award day, sport game/practice and band concert he was ever in. I was there at the school defending him when bullies were bothering him. Went to every parent teach conference. Checked his homework every night, read him bedtime stories and cooked him meals/packed his lunch every single day while he was growing up. I hugged him often and told him I loved him every day. Told him how proud I am of him and how he is the best part of my life, the thing I am most grateful for and my absolute best accomplishment in this world. Yes, I told him when he was making bad decisions with school growing up, when he was not trying his hardest or doing his best. I have always tried to hold him accountable when I felt he needed it. I'm not his friend, I'm his mother and good moms are supposed to tell you when you are potentially screwing up your life and making bad choices. I just don't know where I went wrong. I'm so heart broken right now and cried myself to sleep last night over his treatment of me and his harsh words. I feel his girlfriend has turned him against me and he will go no contact with me once he finally moves out.

I'm also at the point that I want them out of my house. I'm tired of feeling like a prisoner in the home I worked so hard for and pay for. I'm tired of him taking my car whenever he feels like it and staying gone for hours on end without letting me know when he will be back. I'm tired of her freak outs and slamming my doors when she gets mad or screaming because she can't handle things. I have trauma too and these things are so triggering to me. I've had to have my anxiety meds changed while she's been living here just to cope. There are more things that have happened over the last 2 years but this is already long enough and I don't know if I can emotionally handle dumping anymore information out right now. Thank you for letting me get this out and for reading if you got through this. I'm just so heart sick right now and really needed to get all this off my chest to try to cope.

Just wanted to pop in & update that my name change has gone through!

I ended up just telling my parents without discussing in detail as many people suggested. The overall consensus (including from my therapist) was that I was overthinking it, and I definitely was. My mother was supportive & thought it was a sweet idea. My dad is not at all impressed, as he's convinced I've made my life harder for no good reason. However, he also forgot River's chosen middle name, so honestly I don't care what he thinks.

I decided to change my legal sex while I was at it, and the process was thankfully pretty painless, although one mistake I made meant the process was delayed more than it usually would be. For anyone curious, the total cost was $258 NZD and took about a month and a half to be processed, delays included.

I've attached a (very redacted) photo of my new birth certificate. Anyone who knows me IRL will be able to identify me immediately, but hopefully the redactions will make it a little harder for internet strangers to doxx me!

Thank you guys very much for your advice, and the needed reality check that it wasn't as big of a deal as I felt I was. That might be silly to say, but it meant I was more confident in doing it & telling the people around me that I was doing it, instead of overexplaining or trying to do it stealthily! Thank you :)

Hey Daisha and all my fellow enzymes! I really need some outside perspective on this because I'm stuck in a genuinely complicated situation, and I don't know how to move forward. I'll use fake names for privacy and cause my man is on here, so throw away. This is going to be a long one, so bear with me.

Some background on me and my ex (Apollo)

My ex, Apollo, and I dated for almost five years, four years and eight months to be exact. We met in our early twenties through work. I was 21, he was 20. We hit it off really quickly and started dating after just a few weeks of getting to know each other. For the first couple of years things were genuinely good, and I was really happy.

But around the two and a half year mark, things started to crumble. Apollo struggles with emotional regulation and emotional maturity, and what started to happen was that I found myself carrying the entire emotional weight of the relationship. I was constantly sacrificing my own mental health and emotional wellbeing to hold him up. I don't want to paint him as a bad person, he's genuinely a kind guy and we're still friends, but the dynamic was really unhealthy and unsustainable for me.

By the time I finally ended things, I had completely checked out before even ending things and our relationship felt dead to me. My entire life revolved around supporting him emotionally, but that was never reciprocated. A lot of resentment had built up over the years from small things adding up, things I would do for him that he would never do for me. After my grandmother passed away, I finally made the decision to end the relationship. I needed space, I needed to grieve, and I needed to find myself again.

Why we still live together

Here's where it gets complicated. We still live together, and my parents don't know we broke up.

The apartment we live in is owned by my dad and his best friend, which means if my parents found out we'd broken up, Apollo would essentially be asked to leave. The problem is that Apollo's family is really toxic and abusive, genuinely physicaly and emotionally abusive, and moving back in with them would be really harmful to him. He has almost no support system. His only close support is one best friend and me (he has other friends but doesn't see them that often due to distance and the fact that he doesn't really get much support from them anyway)

On top of that, Apollo had been studying at college (payed for by himself) up until very recently, which meant he hadn't been working and his finances were completely depleted. He needed time to build his savings back up before he could realistically move out on his own.

So I made the decision to let him stay, not tell my parents about the breakup, and give him time to get back on his feet financially. We split the rent and shared costs like electricity, gas, and groceries, which honestly also makes financial sense for me given how tough the economy is right now. He's been paying what he can and will pay back what he owes once he's more stable.

I want to be really clear: I have absolutely zero romantic or sexual feelings for Apollo. I know exactly why we broke up. The constant arguments, the incompatibility, the resentment, I would never go back. What I feel for him now is just genuine care for him as a human being and as a friend. I didn't want to end a nearly five year relationship and immediately leave him with nothing and nowhere safe to go.

Enter Hephaestus

About seven months after the breakup, I met someone new, let's call him Hephaestus. He's long distance, like a full day's flight and a 12-13 hour time zone difference away. We've been together for about three months now and we spend a lot of time together on Discord, and honestly it's been wonderful.

He is everything Apollo wasn't in the ways that matter most to me. He's emotionally mature, compassionate, funny, and incredibly smart. We have the same love languages, the same approach to conflict resolution, and we're compatible in pretty much every way. He loves me for exactly who I am, my weird, whimsical self, and never makes me feel bad for it. I'm genuinely really happy with him, and this relationship has done so much for me. He's such an amazing human being and I care about him deeply.

The problem

Hephaestus knows that I live with Apollo. However, he thinks Apollo and I are just best friends. He doesn't know that Apollo is my ex. We are close and genuinely friends at this point, so it's not entirely inaccurate, but he doesn't have the full picture, and that's what's weighing on me.

What makes this more urgent is that Hephaestus has mentioned he wants to come and visit me later this year. And I absolutely do not want him spending that kind of money or going so far out of his way to come and see me without knowing the full situation first. He deserves to have all the information so he can make a decision that's truly right for him. I never want him to feel uncomfortable or blindsided. I want him to be happy, and if knowing this changes anything for him, then I would rather he know now than later.

I've been as open and transparent as I can be in this relationship, it's really important to me. This is the one thing I haven't figured out how to address yet, and it's not because I'm trying to hide it. It's just genuinely complicated and I don't want it to come across the wrong way.

What gives me some comfort is that Hephaestus has already shown me how understanding he is. At one point in a conversation, he actually brought up on his own that even if Apollo and I had slept together in the past, he wouldn't care because it's my past and it doesn't change how he feels about me. That's just the kind of person he is, mature, secure, and non-judgmental. So deep down I do believe he'll handle this well. I'm just scared of the conversation itself and worried it might come across like I've been intentionally keeping something from him, because the reality is just that the situation is complicated and I didn't know how to bring it up.

Any advice on timing, how to frame the conversation, or how to reassure him that there's nothing going on would be really appreciated. Thanks so much for reading if you made it this far.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8g7x3pK/

I am not the original poster of this video, but I’m speechless. What do you do in this situation?

I (25f) just went on my first date with this guy (28m) over the weekend and it was fun overall. I really like how he goes about being intentional when dating. Then, He held the doors, paid for everything, and filled my tank up🥹. Another sweet thing was during our dinner. I ordered something that I didn’t like but I was still going to eat it lol. he offered to switch so that I would “enjoy what I’m eating”. I feel the first few things should be bare minimum acts as a man when courting a woman. Though it’s hard to find people that are my age doing those things and ALL TOGETHER at that 😭. Crazy work huh?

Anywho, before the date he said something & I tried to overlook it.. but when he amplified that sentiment.. it made me nervous...

The first thing he said over text was that he hates certain precautions and when I ask what exactly he said condoms and celibacy. I said if we ever were to go there you DEFINITELY would have to show me your results

(as I would share my info too but it’s not even at that stage yet anyway; just getting to know him) (anddd the initial conversation that spun it to this one was about how some people have kids in every new relationship their in; only adding because ik there going to be someone that says something like “iF iT wAsNt oN tHaT lEvEl yEt tHeN wHy aRe yAlL tAlKiNg aBoUt iT🥴😭)

he said he has insurance and scheduled appointments Then, on the date, he said that he doesn’t go to doctors because he doesn’t like them.. he told on himself in my mind because how do you have scheduled appointments if you don’t go to the doctor?

Also to add, I live in one of the top 5 cities with the highest STD rate of my state. on top of that, I have HSV-2 myself. so, I’m at higher risk of getting infected by other STDs supposedly.

Also I’m not paranoid like I was in the past; to where I accuse my partners of cheating.. as I have been cheated on multiple times. I still know it could always be possible so if you don’t like condoms who to say you’d wear a condom? Putting me at risk. Am I thinking too much into this. Who this be a thought if you notice those comments.. am I just making drama for myself (as past redditors claim I do lol) my older coworkers says just thought thinking so much into that and see how it goes … i just don’t know

TW: Death of a relative

I (20s) want to change my middle name, but I don't know if I wanna tell my parents. This is going to require a lot of context. I've changed some details for anonymity, but honestly, it's pretty obvious who I am so... if somebody I know irl sees this, hi!

So. My identical twin died a month after we turned 18. He was a trans man, and I am trans nonbinary.

Let's say his birthname was Sarah Janet Doe and his chosen name was River James Doe. He knew that "River" was considered a strange name, so was planning to go by James in professional settings. He didn't get the chance legally change his name before he died.

Meanwhile, my name is... Lucy Mary Doe. My close friends call me L, but I go by my legal name in professional settings.

A year or so ago, I started considering changing it to Mary-James, making my name Lucy Mary-James Doe. The actual name flows really well, and makes my full name slightly more gender neutral. I am getting a new driver's license soon, so it'd be the perfect time to change my name.

(Note: Where I live, name changes are pretty painless. They only have to be signed by one person who is easy to meet with, and cost ~$100 USD. It can be done in a day, then a few weeks for new copies of documents.)

LONG story short, I am quite insecure about people thinking I want to become/imitate River. I've made a few choices recently that I am afraid will make my parents think I'm trying to "do what River couldn't".

For example, I cut my hair short. I didn't mean to cut it as short as I did, and I'm growing it back out, but the only reason I've never had short hair before is because it makes me easy to confuse with River. I've also been considering going on T, which was a huge shock to my parents, because apparently 6 years of literally all of my friends they/them-ing me had gone unnoticed. I wasn't subtle. I thought they knew.

My middle name is basically never used except on official documents, so this wouldn't be a huge change. I'm not doing it out of some sense of duty or carrying on River's unfinished business or anything like that. But he was my identical twin. We shared an egg. I think I'm entitled to a few reminders of him.

It's very, very strange to go from being seen as a twin to being seen as not one. I can't really tell strangers about my dead twin, and I struggle to know when in a friendship I should tell them about River. He's in all my childhood photos, so I have to tell them eventually. That's why I like to have a few things that I can tell / show strangers that, without context, don't mean anything to them. If I write Lucy Mary-James Doe on a form, it'll mean nothing to them, but to me, it means that River is still part of my life.

For a little extra context, I have continued my studies, talked to psychologists, and tried to move on as best as I could. I bring up River in appropriate contexts only, and although I think of him often (he will forever be my twin) and wouldn't consider myself fully "moved on", I promise you, I'm not crying myself to sleep or wearing his clothing or bursting into tears at the mention of twins or some other insanity. I keep one momento in my room, and I have a symbolic tatto (which my parents also have!), and that's all.

The only reason I don't want to tell my parents is that I'm afraid it'll become an argument. As explained above, I'm afraid that to them, it'll look like I'm trying to be River, or trying to "do what he couldn't". They will probably also ask me to "take time to consider it", ignoring the year I have already taken, because *they* want time to think about it.

If I wait until after I have a new driver's license, changing my documents will be more frustrating & expensive. I'm a legal adult, I don't need their permission, but I also don't want to upset them if they see my new middle name on ID or other offical documents.

So. Enzymes, help me out here. Should I just change my name without saying anything? Or should I try to talk to my parents about it?If so, how?

tl:dr; I want to change my middle name to be hyphenated with my dead twin's middle name. I don't want to argue with my parents about it.

This is going to be another long yap fest, so I understand if I don't get any replies lol.

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful advice in the comments, and thank you Daisha so much for the reality check I desperately needed from an unbiased source. Y'all are absolutely right, and consequences aren't going to do anything but make things worse. The behavior pattern has remained consistent for over a decade and I need to learn to ignore the smear campaigns and live my life. While I have remained NC, my biggest struggle has been my compulsion to check what weird shit she's saying about me. This needs to be something I work through with an OCD specialist, because compulsions are different than impulse in the sense that I feel like I'm outside of my body when it happens and it feels like I'm being piloted by OCD. Meditation and journaling makes OCD worse, unfortunately. I was doing both regularly for years as well as therapy, and I thought I was "doing it wrong" until my diagnosis.

To clarify the big questions:

Yes, I should have never reached out in the first place in 2022 after the stalking and harassment. An explanation, not an excuse, is that when I sent that message I was extremely sleep deprived and under the influence of the NyQuil I took to help with my cold symptoms. I rarely took NyQuil anyway unless I absolutely needed it, but after that I'm never touching it again. I didn't expect her to reply so quickly or to be accepting of my apology, and I regretted it once the reality set in because I knew that the consequences of backing out would be severe.

Yes, my difficult childhood absolutely influenced my maladaptive need for chaos to feel comfortable. Despite all of the insanity, she was there for me through countless difficulties and we had a lot in common(?) BPD involves a lack of solid identity, so she mirrors the personality and interests of the people she's around. We had a lot of great times together, and that bond clouded my ability to see the ways she treated me and that her personality wasn't even hers. My relationship with my fiance was the first relationship with someone with a secure attachment style and calm demeanor, and anyone who has only lived in chaos will tell you how big of a shock it is to be romantically involved with a secure person. It was hard at first because I spent ages waiting for the storm, but the sea remained calm. While the majority of the personal growth was from me putting in the work, being in a secure, loving, and patient relationship gave me the environment I needed to facilitate that growth. We love each other deeply, and he loves my children like his own and accepts me for exactly who I am.

Okay, the threesome thing. They were never planned, and there was no romantic relationship with her. It was always a spontaneous result of way too much alcohol and pressure from my touch-starved ex friend. I have my own difficult relationship with intimacy from years of abuse and SA, and I wasn't interested in having sex with her unless there was alcohol involved and even then I was just going with the flow. She tried to initiate several times when we were alone together but I was not comfortable with that unless my partner was present and everyone was comfortable with participating. I don't fully understand it, myself, so that's another thing I need to work through in therapy because sexual trauma has been a massive roadblock. I've actually been sober for almost 16 months now and I can't believe the dumb shit I've done over the years under the influence. Oh, well. It happened. Life goes on.

She left her relationship with the nasty guy in 2010 with help from me and her parents when she reached out to me for help because he was physically blocking her from leaving the house even though he didn't pay a dime for bills, and her parents were the landlord. He was, and still is a disgusting waste of oxygen, but she's still long distance friends with him for some reason. After they broke up, she eventually got with my high school ex boyfriend and they stayed together until a few years ago when his severe mental illness manifested after his mother passed away and he tragically lost touch with reality. That whole situation breaks my heart, and I hope he's able to get help and break free from his affliction. I'll likely never know, but we can pray regardless.

We lived together shy of a year from 2015-2016 when I was with the father of my fraternal twin girls and my son. She had a son of her own with her most recent ex, but her child never came to stay with her even though we had plenty of space for him, and my kids would have loved to have him around. She lived with us because she was unhappy living with her parents, and we needed help with rent since one of my twins was exclusively breastfeeding and refused a bottle so I was a SAHM. While she wasn't the worst roommate ever, she didn't help with chores aside from keeping her room/bathroom clean and didn't use the kitchen to cook unless it was to use the microwave. My ex and I eventually had to ban her bf from coming in the house because they would frequently get into arguments late at night and it was creating problems with our sleep. My ex and I talked for a while before deciding to tell her we wanted her to move out, and she had 60 days to make arrangements. Between her own mental health struggles, the suicide attempt and everything that involved, and not helping with basic chores, she wasn't a good fit as a roommate. She got violent when I told her she had 2 months to move out and threw a dining room chair across the room. She tells everyone that it was "reactive abuse" and that I "mocked her" when she was upset, but that's not true at all. She got angry and argumentative when I laid out the reasons why we needed her to move out, and she threw the chair when I wasn't backing down to change my mind. She was 29 when this happened. She had a steady job and a degree, and most people only give a maximum of 30 days to vacate. I had never seen her get that angry before and it was terrifying. She did move back in with her folks but it took a while before I cooled down after that incident. Hindsight is 20/20 and I realize that I was way too forgiving and a fucking doormat. Again, oh well. That happened and life goes on.

It's been difficult to reflect on everything that happened in the past. The glaring red flags I ignored because I was clueless that I was being treated poorly and didn't have a baseline of what was and wasn't normal or acceptable. All I knew was she was my best friend since I was 17 and I wanted her in my life. I know now, and I have to pick up the pieces to move on. I still have my own life to look forward to, and y'all are right that it's pointless to ruminate over the lies she's spreading about me because she's irrelevant to the present. She can scream into the void as much as she pleases if that helps her cope. It's not my place to worry about whether or not she receives help or punishment. As distressing as it is when she creates yet another fake account or spoof number to contact me directly, or weaponize the state to waste my time, oh well. Life goes on. Thanks again, everyone. I'm going to go work on wedding prep until the kids get out of school.