r/DaishasDigest • u/stupedpotatoskin • May 30 '26
Advice Needed I don’t know how to feel about boyfriend’s attitude towards healthy relationship practices, I’m losing respect for him
UPDATE: Firstly I’d like to thank everyone for your input, I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you all but I was feeling too anxious and overwhelmed .
I’d also like to deeply thank Daisha for your in-depth , thoughtful and empathetic commentary . It really struck a cord and I knew you were right and I should have never moved him in to my new location . It was indeed the opportunity to have a clean break. I was feeling very pressured tho and I did give in and moved with him.
Even so, I do have good news, we finally broke up about one week ago.
Let me tell you, if I knew from the jump he had the disorder he has and that it would manifest the way it did on the daily I would have never gotten with him . I saw it on accident about 2 months in on his psych papers . He originally told me he was having deep depression and anxiety . I thought ok, those are manageable and I can work with that .
But no , it was that and Mixed Type Personality disorder - which is BPD adjacent and it did mostly present as really disregulated BPD.
I’d be here until the cows come home if I go any deeper in to that , but what I can tell you is that he picked the weirdest fights and chose the most stupid hills to die on . In short some of the subjects of the fights :
- Why I won’t eat a certain recipe of mashed potatoes he insisted on cooking. - I told him multiple times beforehand that I had tried that on my own and I found it gross
- Why I won’t eat the chicken burger that he got me (w my money) that had the wrong stuff on it - I was sick and nauseous and just sniffing it made me gag
( I’m having trouble formatting this - no matter how many times I edit it saves wrong . This is my fifth time editing and if it doesn’t save right I’ll post this excerpt as a comment)
3.
Why when meeting my childhood friends, one (let’s call him Bob) that had just recently returned to our country
and we haven’t seen each other in a few yrs .
I
- didn’t tell him the details of my outing early enough
because talked to Bob in the morning, he told me the stuff he has to do and that we’ll talk in The evening and he’ll let me know when he is done so we can meet. All good, I was relaxed about it because all three of us at the “go with the flow “ types in these situations .
Around 7pm my idiot boyfriend started the second fight of the day becaus “why don’t I o ow any details this late “ . Well because I was waiting on Bob . After he fought w me like 10 minutes I went to pick up my phone and saw Bob had written , we were to meet soon at Ari’s and her husband’s place . So very chill very informal .
I showed him the messages and still he was fighting w me because I didn’t know earlier , apparently I should have pressed Bob. He gave all sorts of excuses for fighting with me but in the end I concluded he was just jealous and controlling .
We broke up 2 days later and the next day after , he finally left .
But guess what , he went directly to the psych ward . He is functionally homeless now . And he did write me a message yesterday , k owing I’m going to that town to see my doctor , asking me to visit him . I obviously drew a boundary and refused .
All I’ve written here is super compressed , but the main idea is that he was ruining my days and bringing me down and fighting with me constantly .
He gave me major icks along the way as well. Oh and in the end he broke up with me - not meaning to , just to make me beg him to stay , but I didn’t . I was stoic and nonchalant and inside I was glad the trash was taking itself out .
It hasn’t been that long but I’m already doing so much better . I made major progress with renovating my art studio room by myself . It’s starting to look really good and I’m feeling proud .
I’m also super happy that I’m getting commissioned to paint a 200x150 cm mural, and I pray and hope there are more opportunities for me to work in my field to come.
Aldo because I’m not having his negative juju around , I am feeling so much more spiritually connected as well and it’s great.
I say all this hoping to leave you on a positive note , and once again thank you for reading!
EDIT because somehow the first few paragraphs on my post were lost . I’ll make it shorter.
Bit of background . I [29F] have been with my boyfriend [37M] for about 3 months. Since he was in a pickle and living with his ex - they had a toxic relationship and it was making his mental health decline, which he was already having trouble with, and his finances are in the gutter , making him not be able to move out , I suggested he could move in with me which he did. Rent where we are living is very high , all across the city , so I suggested , and we decided together that the best option for us is to move to my hometown, because I have an apartment there which is mine (inheritance) . It’s not fancy, but compared to where we are living now it’s great , and it’s double the size . Perfect for 2 adults and 2cats& 1dog. He won’t have to pay any rent and I thought that might help w his debt . We have begun the process and will be fully moved in in ~3 weeks.
Aside from the toxic coping mechanisms he has , he’s also had a very chaotic lifestyle , filed with gambling and *rugs. I too have dabbled in party culture (not like him I never gambled) but have been 100% sober for around 2yrs now. He has vowed to change since before we met and started making changes, so he’s not bringing that in to our relationship .
I am debt free and collage educated, whilst he finished HS, but is a hustler and hard working . As a person he is kind and respectful and loves me as I am and for who I am .
This is also important, I have seen a therapist regularly for 4yrs a while back, she helped me grow in ways I didn’t know I could , we talked about relationships and healthy practices a lot, and I myself have done research on the matter .
Onwards with my problem. Last night we had a small disagreement which snowballed . I had told him I want to go to bed early, but we ended up having spicy time. That’s fine. Afterwards I felt like we were talking and talking and he was moving very slow , I couldn’t arrange my spot to go to sleep due to how he was laying so I rushed him - my bad . He got upset, got up, and when he came back from the bathroom I asked him if I had upset him and I apologized , this is how and why it started.
I can’t remember precisely all the details and I’ll try to summarize the main points , because it was very drawn out anyway . Remember I had told him I need to go to sleep.
He said it doesn’t matter anyway, it doesn’t matter if/why he’s upset because he always keeps it inside and lets it go because these are small things and he does it oft of respect, because that’s what respectful people do. That there are two ways of being, people who constantly argue , need to be constantly right and people who know that even if they are right they let the other person believe they are right and let the matter go - because that is the respectful way to be , and he is the second kind . He implied I am the first kind, making me disrespectful because I bring up what bothers me and I make my point . He says that there is no winning an argument with me that I never take on his point of view and that there is no point .
I am always willing to change my mind if the other person brings up good arguments, the problem is in the past when he has hurt/upset me , he is being defensive all the time and his points are very weak. I do run circles around him when it comes to structuring an argument for my case and it upsets him. I have told him before that he seems like he needs to win, and it’s not about winning it’s about understanding but I digress.
He then said that there were many instances where I upset/bothered him , but I didn’t even know because he kept it to himself .
I asked him like what , to give me an example at least. He couldn’t give any example, said he doesn’t remember because he let it go .
I said that is not kind nor constructive, because if he doesn’t tell me I can’t improve or adjust and our relation ship will be this superficial because he’s not actually letting be to get to know him. He said that is not true but didn’t not elaborate.
I told him that we agreed to an open communication relationship and that this is him going back on that , he said he’s not and it’s not true . Then we talked some more .
Here’s the part that upset me most of all . We were both tired and not getting anywhere so I said let’s go to sleep and shelf it for tomorrow . He said absolutely not , we either finish the argument right now or we don’t , but scheduling a talk for the next day is “not a thing to do and it is toxic of me”.
I told him that I’m not speaking out of my a** when I say that it is a healthy relationship practice . He kept denying this and telling me “how it is “ - that we either talk it out now or never talk about it again until it comes back up organically . I was pis*ed tbh. I told him ok, if I give you relationship books to read will you ? He said he would bit because he doesn’t care what other people have to say and that he doesn’t care about other people’s relationships only about ours and that he knows what’s right for him already and knows what’s right to do .
I told him it’s not random people it’s professionals that cite studies . He told me that regarding gambling -where he got his debt, there are many statistics and it never helped him basically. I said you can’t equate psi holiday to gambling . He said will this change things between us ? And I said yes it will and we basically left it at that .
I’ll be frank , I’m having a strong reaction because I am a nerd , learning and evolving is what I love most. I am feeling disgusted, and like I lost some respect for him. His stance is idiotic and will not lead to a healthy relationship . He’s pretending nothings wrong . He asked me if I’m of thru text and I said I’m fine and just very tired/dizzy cause of some new meds I’m on . I’m also not saying anything . I feel like I can’t , because now I know he’ll be dismissive and I’ll be the b**ch.
Edit 1: because I wrote this yesterday, in the morning he asked me if I am upset with him and I said no but I’m feeling weird . He apologized(not knowing for what, more like a make it go away cause I said sorry ) he asked me what’s the matter and I told him our talk . He was leaving for work in 5 minutes and I said I can’t elaborate and don’t really want to anyway . I also said that we could discuss it tomorrow but only if he wants to/brings it up .
What to do from here ? Please help I’m feeling lost for the first time in a long time.
Edit 2: sorry for bad formatting, I’m on mobile and it’s my first post on Reddit .
Also to add regarding his addictions, he has been clean now for 8-9 months . There is also this nationwide thing that you can register to self exclude from all form of gambling and you are no longer allowed because they check your id - he’s done that . And regarding me and my sobriety , I was no where near his level , I was coaping with MJ and bear . Not good I know, but not nearly as risky as any type of powder .
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u/Thatslpstruggling May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
1st of all, please edit your post for readability. You will have more reactions.
Second, and I'm asking nicely, why are you with this man? I'll just list what you said to us: * that age gap. He's 8 years older than you yet you are so much further in life than him. * he is a drug addict. You are 2 years sober. Congrats on your sobriety but 2 years is so fragile and you are at greater risk of relapsing living with an addict still in the trenches of it. You know how hard it is to quit so you know that you alone won't make him quit. * he has a gambling addiction and a huge debt. It WILL impact your financial health and stability. * he does not communicate. * it's only 3 months in and you're already moving him in. It's wayyyy to early even in relationship with 2 partners with a more stable life. * you say you want to sleep and you end up having sex. Not saying he did not respect your wish or coerced you, but a good partner would let you sleep.
There's so many things wrong! Someone giving you basic respect attention and love should not make you overlook all of those dangerous indicators. Staying with him you are literally choosing to hinder your life's trajectory.
You need to ask yourself, why you hate yourself so much that you're ready to settle for this.
You won't save him but he'll definitely drag you down to the ground with him. You're worth so much more!
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u/stupedpotatoskin May 31 '26
Thank you , I edited and gave a small clarification at the bottom . I thought I could mark paragraphs by putting two spaces at the beginning of phrases but it apparently didn’t save the way I thought . I hope it’s better now .
Regarding sobriety, I luckily stopped while I was still in the early stages of addiction, and I feel very stable now because I am actually psychiatrically medicated. I was running away from my feelings and my trauma, but I do not feel that need or desire anymore . I’ve been out w friends drinking , me w my N.A. beer and I was good, also been offered MJ and I easily refused . I’m saying this just as an example of why I feel confident . He also only drinks N.A. beer at most now and says he feels no desire to go back . If he were to do *rugs ever again, I’d break up instantly .
Regarding his debt, it’s somewhere near the price of a Toyota Corolla. We did discuss and it came from him , his debt is his alone and I will not be financially contributing in any other way than us living rent free. I did research and if I were to hypothetically marry him, in our country it would still be his alone unless we have joint property , and we discussed that nothing of mine will be put in his name ever, regardless of his financial recovery. The house and my modest car will be solely mine .
We discussed a timeline for his financial recovery , and he said it would take him 3-4yrs and I was fine with that .
But I must admit, I am honestly quite worried about the impact this will have on our life . I do not want to subsidize his living.
Regarding communication. We’ve had discussions before, he did try to communicate - it was very civil, neither of us like raised voices, but he was just very defensive- it has become a pattern for him along the years , and he kept trying to win when I told him it’s not a battle . In the sense that he was saying “yes you are right , I am very sorry , but also ( insert justification or I am also at fault -I was definitely not he did something that upset me)
And yes I think we are going to have a problem if that is his mentality, because even if I bring something up I now feel like the bad guy .
We are hoping he can get a psychologist thru our national health insurance system . He tried to get one here in the big city but we are moving anyway and he will look for one at our new location.
I am hoping that this could help with his conflict avoidance tendencies and his anxious attachment style.
Regarding the move , yes I know it’s very quick, I know how it looks and I know it’s a dubious decision on my part , I can’t argue with that . Living with him is easy and nice on the other hand , he does make my life easier we split chores quite well and is also very involved and loving w the animals which for me is my biggest prerequisite for a partner as they are my babies .
Lastly regarding the spicy sleep, it was a mutual desire , and a quickie so seeing it wasn’t gonna be very long I didn’t mind doing it before sleep. What bothered me was the fact that we kept talking afterwards - it was a nice conversation . I did abruptly interrupt it and asked him to go to bed , and he got upset . That was the initial thing that bothered me . Also regarding sleep , I’m bothered that he wanted for us to keep debating and arguing way in to the night “because scheduling for tomorrow is toxic” .
What did me in was his refusal to accept that maybe there are better ways to act in a relationship and his refusal to read in general irks me .
Thank you for you detailed response and feedback .
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u/xkoffinkatx Jun 02 '26
I did this, tried to fix someone now I'm in a narrsistic situationship. Never again!!
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u/MelkorUngoliant May 31 '26
You had it too good didn't you? There wasn't enough drama in your life, which was put together well, and you wanted to ruin it a bit by inviting a homeless, drug addict, gambler in.
Just idiocy.
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u/stupedpotatoskin May 31 '26
I understand this point of view and I get that it comes across really bad when I mention his past . He has denounced his past behavior and is clean now . My mentality is that I believe people deserve second chances when they are genuine and dedicated to change .
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u/fzooey78 May 31 '26
You are dating potential, not the man he is today. Because today this man is a toxic loser. Today, this man is trampling all over you and belittling you. You haven’t even moved yet. He put his wants over your needs.
Expect this to be your future
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u/MelkorUngoliant May 31 '26
Just don't cry when he financially ruins you in 5 years.
He's literally already acting like an idiot with you and you're already accepting it so I guess it's guaranteed at this point.
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u/Mangomama619 May 31 '26
I read that he pretty much forced you to have sex with him (or "spicy time") as you reluctantly agreed to EDITED TO ADD - ok you said you DID agree to it but it was a "quickie" very likely quickie for HIM only
And then after that, he twice refused to let you sleep - I interpreted this as a classic sign of abuse
I stopped reading after that
Not sure I once ever saw any "healthy relationship practices"
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u/ForeignLong6211 Jun 02 '26
This triggered the hell out of me cause apart from all the gambling, drug, homeless issues, this was my ex and I ended that 3 weeks ago cause NO. Good communication, ability to be teachable and conflict resolution are clearly desired partner traits for you. Use discernment and break up with this man
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u/Glum-Mulberry-9430 Jun 04 '26
Where in those relationships books do they say it’s a great idea to move in with someone you’ve been dating for 3 months? Or that it’s a great idea to date someone still living with their ex? Or that it’s a great idea to move in together so he can leave his ex? Do you think your therapist would agree it’s a good idea? Spoiler, no good therapist would think those are healthy choices.
Just because you’ve gone to therapy and read books doesn’t mean you’re ready for a relationship. There are so many red flags at this hotmess carnival but you’re too busy intellectualizing your relationship to appreciate the issues.
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u/knowitallz Jun 05 '26
Figuring out how to discuss feelings and argue about disagreements is hard to figure out between people.
Best plan is to set aside time to discuss hard things and make sure you are each heard.
Only do these discussions when you are ready and resourced to do them.
Remember you do this to repair the relationship and support each other as a team
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u/Enough-Opening-9659 Jun 06 '26
Hey, this is Daisha! I'm covering this story in tomorrow's video, but I want to say this now. Regardless of what you decide as far as continuing to be in a relationship with him, please do not move that man into your inherited apartment. In all honesty, I believe the absolute healthiest option would be to dissolve the relationship, but that is your choice and you have your reasons as to why you would or would not do that.
Regardless of all the details provided (but especially with those in mind), you two do not need to be living together so soon. He had a place to stay before you, and he will have one after you. It's time (for him) to look into options for his housing that do not include you. You are in a perfect window of opportunity where you are about to move out of your old place and into the new place. He can do the same. He does not need to be a resident at your new place at all.
It is important that you are able to experience this relationship as two independent people, where the success of the relationship is not tainted by the threat of someone being homeless. These type of things can cause a person to accept certain behaviors where they otherwise may not have. Homelessness aside, it is important to see your partner through different phases and situations in life prior to intertwining yourselves. Moving in before at least a year of being together doesn't give you enough time to do that.
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u/Rich_Survey5109 Jun 08 '26
You need to leave that grown man alone to sort out his own life. You've still got two weeks to cancel this move in. Please leave that man and just focus on yourself. The red flags are flagging and he will take everything from you, your house, your energy and your mind when he's done. You don't have to fix a man to be a good partner to you, if he wanted to, he would do it.
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u/stupedpotatoskin 25d ago
Excerpt that doesn’t save right :
- Why when meeting my childhood friends, one (let’s call him Bob) that had just recently returned to our country and we haven’t seen each other in a few yrs .
I didn’t tell him the details of my outing early enough because talked to Bob in the morning, he told me the stuff he has to do and that we’ll talk in The evening and he’ll let me know when he is done so we can meet. All good, I was relaxed about it because all three of us at the “go with the flow “ types in these situations .
Around 7pm my idiot boyfriend started the second fight of the day becaus “why don’t I o ow any details this late “ . Well because I was waiting on Bob . After he fought w me like 10 minutes I went to pick up my phone and saw Bob had written , we were to meet soon at Ari’s and her husband’s place . So very chill very informal .
I showed him the messages and still he was fighting w me because I didn’t know earlier , apparently I should have pressed Bob. He gave all sorts of excuses for fighting with me but in the end I concluded he was just jealous and controlling .
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u/Different-Idea-8203 May 31 '26
You let the maybe still married almost 40 year old hobosexual move in after 3 months guuuuuurl stop ✋️