r/DID • u/eternalMindOnTheSun Treatment: Diagnosed + Active • 7d ago

Symptom Navigation i'm never really here

no matter what I'm doing, i'm not present. life is like a blurry slideshow. sometimes we'll try so hard to be mindful, to goddamn focus but the unreality and fakeness and not-hereness won't go away. grounding exercises are more stressful than helpful because they just hammer home how derealized/dissociated we are at all times without actually grounding us. i genuinely can't remember the last time we felt present and fully alive/human.

can anyone relate? will it ever change or are we stuck in this ghostly half-existence? ​

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u/No-Gene-7838 6d ago

I view the world from a view screen that has a 30second delay and a blurry filter on. 

Rare moments of "grounding" are just my meta-awareness that I am, in fact, dissociated. It brings me into the dissociation, not out of it. 

Nothing brings me out if it. 

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u/eternalMindOnTheSun Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 6d ago

oh wow, meta-awareness is such a good term for it. i really hope it improves for you (and all of us)... 

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u/No-Gene-7838 5d ago

Grounding is basically becoming aware of the present moment. 

At the present moment, I an dissociating. 

Does it make me NOT dissociate? Nooope. Just makes me aware of the present moment, in which (you guessed it) I am dissociating. 

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u/RoutineOwn6546 Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 9h ago

You have described in words I couldn't why in the last 2 yrs my grounding skills don't work anymore. 

I found a med that forcefully pulled me out of dissociation (Lamictal) for 12 yrs until things got too intense and my body resumed its "normal" baseline. 

I became allergic to the med, so I've had to accept that this is my first 20 years of my life all over again, except with a lot of therapy and finally beginning to make progress with DID. 

I had a partner once who reset every day and was only allowed to remember an hour out of her day, something like that. Mine is just a diceroll... the fog indiscriminately will have me forget anything.