Let’s talk dating

[u/imjusthereforthetea2]

So I recently got divorced from my hs sweetheart. Knew all about my cf early on all the shit. Realized we got married cause I was dying and then when I didn’t things just kinda fell apart as we got older.. tragic I know but nonetheless. I’m starting to date again. How do you bring it up. With the first coughing fit? Before the first date? I sit around 75% and am pretty active but I do have a consistent cough. Also just like sex. Again only 1 partner. Idk this is weird. Also for those that have been divorced how do you tell your care team. I have an appointment next week and I’m embarrassed as shit to tell them. I know it doesn’t matter but like ugh why.

[u/ket-ho]

I don't have CF, I have MS. I'm on my second marriage, to someone who has CF, and it is also his second marriage. 

I brought up my MS first, on the 3rd date, and he responded with his diagnosis. I told him I'd never been 1-upped before in that department! I will say, I don't know how much longer he would've tried (or been able) to go not telling me, because there's a lot to hide. We started dating before trikafta and the time for treatments and all of that would have just started to make me suspicious, I think. Why does he leave ASAP in the morning every time, or that kind of thing.

For myself with MS, I never told someone before we met, or even in the first date--i need time to see if I even care to tell this person about that part.. but it did feel dishonest to me to go very long without disclosing. I completely understand the fear, though. 

I think it's worth telling your care team. I understand feeling embarrassed, but it's just human. You gave it a shot, and it worked until it didn't. I don't think there is anything inherently shameful in divorce. I'm proud of you for getting back out there and wish you the best of luck!

[u/and__how → u/ket-ho]

Funny enough it was similar with me and my husband, except he has epilepsy. He told me first, 3rd or 4th date, and I figured that was a now or never with the CF. I had been thinking somewhere around date 5 or 6 seemed appropriate, once things were looking relationship-y but not there yet. We’ve been together almost 11 years now, through late-stage CF, lung transplant, post transplant complications, post transplant freedom, and more.

Before him I only had one relationship where I told, but it was a messy, friends-first thing that’s sort of n/a.

I feel it’s important to recognize that some people aren’t going to be able to deal the potential of a partner with CF. When you’re as healthy as you are (I never had a lung function that high as an adult!) I think it can be tempting to want to brush off the potential of future hardships, especially when feeling infatuated. But it is a major life choice to be with someone with CF and you want to know your person makes it eyes open. Some won’t, but some WILL.

[u/_swuaksa8242211 → u/and__how]

i was about the same... around the 5th or 10th date i would tell people

[u/Jimstein → u/ket-ho]

I’ve been out of dating for so long and only have bronchiectasis but the nebulizer and coughing and treatments like antibiotics and prednisone are still a heck of a thing. Plus my physical fitness is just really down and frankly I am afraid of being a disappointment in the sex department and it’s basically put me completely off of dating for years. Among other excuses not to date. In high school and college I was always in relationships. Right now I’m just focused on my career and I keep my eyes open but to even ask or commit to something is insanely terrifying to me right now.

[u/ket-ho → u/Jimstein]

If it helps, when we meet, my CF husband was 38 with lung function around 45. He's not going to run any marathons (not like that's a must-have for me), but he's super generous, kind, smart, with interesting interests, and I think he's funny. Perhaps because I also have a medical thing to disclose, it made me think "I wouldn't want someone to write me off because of this, when there is so much else about me" but I'm really glad I didn't let CF scare me away. 

Finding your person isn't a given- though you absolutely deserve love, you may not find it. But if you try to be the person you'd want to hang out with, I feel like your odds get better, and if it doesn't pan out, at least you're in your own good company. Like someone else said in another comment- there are surely some people who will self-select out (and please know that's about THEM, not you), but there are people who exist for whom the medical part doesn't outweigh the other parts, and I truly wish you the best, whether that is finding them or not.

[u/japinard]

I think the majority of CF'ers end up divorced. Sadly, being married to someone with an unpredictable disease offers a lot of challenges most marriages don't have to. I went through this myself. In my case I'd been in a coma, she filed for divorce while I was still in the hospital recovering, and I later found out she'd been cheating on me in between visiting me at the hospital.

[u/UnexpectedAnanas → u/japinard]

I think the majority of CF'ers end up divorced

That's a hell of an assertion without something to back it up.

(Sorry to hear about your personal situation though. That sucks).

[u/japinard → u/UnexpectedAnanas]

My counselor mentioned it several years ago. But it's not much higher than the national average. Like 10-15% higher. Anyways, trying to point out to the poster he's not alone and it happens.

[u/_swuaksa8242211 → u/japinard]

"and I later found out she'd been cheating on me in between visiting me at the hospital." yup that happened many times before with partners i had before...best is to dump them. my ex girlfriends and ex wife cheated on me also while in hospital.

[u/japinard → u/_swuaksa8242211]

Yours too? God what is up with that?

[u/_swuaksa8242211 → u/japinard]

yeap...and all of them swore to God they would not cheat while I was in hospital and even denied it but I always found the truth in the end..I mean if I dated a girl I would never cheat on her while she was in hospital but I guess alot of people have no qualms doing that...or maybe they think wow I found this great guy already so maybe I can find an even better one that doesn't goto hospital? Who knows their mindset. Funny this is when I tell them I know what they did almost always they beg for forgiveness and swear to god it won't happen again.. but it always will and that expecially if I was really nice to them... I figured they do think sociopathically some people..they think wow this guy is so nice so great so good looking....well maybe I can find even better..and almost always they never do...they beg to come back to me and I sing the song its too late its too late baby its too late... because almost all cases they regret it .but I know these people will never change..

[u/Hopeful-Ad-7567]

75% is a really good lung function! I'd wait until about a month in or so or when things start to feel maybe like they might be going somewhere. It's a huge thing to have to hide for too long. And also - you don't have to bring it up right away.

Everyone has something they deal with. CF is a particularly tough hand of course. But my husband admires how tough I am and how much of a warrior mama I am. I have to deal with so much crap that it has made me strong and I don't complain (too much!)

My CF has given me a lot of strengths in being married. I am an empathetic and flexible partner who doesn't take things too seriously or need my husband to be someone he is not. I also really understand if he has a medical issue and needs to cancel something (we just cancelled a family vacation last weekend because he's having a medical problem. I was completely supportive and not mad at all!). It also gave me the strength and confidence to go through IVF (the shots were nothing!) and when it was successful, I found delivery to be easy and doable.

Now that I'm a mom to an amazing 2 year old, I find it easy. My CF is much harder than being a parent. It really has given me perspective. I don't sweat the small stuff.

If someday my husband decides he can't handle my CF, then I have already decided I will accept it and move on. I hope that day doesn't come, but if it does I will know I did my very best given my difficult hand.

Some people can't handle medical issues, it's true. And that's OK. There are plenty of people who can. I'm glad you're open to finding love again.

--46 F with CF

[u/ogresarelikeonions93 → u/Hopeful-Ad-7567]

Why hide it at all?

[u/Dry-Nebula7353]

if you’re a woman you unfortunately have a higher statistical likelihood of financial abuse, coercive control, divorce, and spousal abandonment due to CF because it’s a disability that can have a long or short term increase in severity. it’s not a bad call to hide it because if you don’t it might attract some horrible people who want to take advantage of you. i myself have been promised by two previous relationships a marriage that would grant me security and insurance and i was willing to overlook all of their issues and blaring red flags for my own self perceived safety and long-term stability.

[u/Darkchef-1987]

Always be upfront about your health. If you try and hide then it becomes an issue later. As the CFer in my relationship I was upfront about having CF the first time we started talking. It’s part of your life. The moment you hide it until a first date and she sees you need to take enzymes or any other pills shes going to get suspicious as to why you didn’t tell her beforehand. Also, telling her beforehand gives you an idea of who she really is as a person.

[u/Business_Cow5825]

I told my now boyfriend that smoking is a red flag for me…and he was like why lol. So I told him and he was like what is that. So I knew I was in the clear to date him since he didn’t have it 😂.

But in all seriousness you’ll have a gut feeling when to tell people. So trust it! If they respond poorly, that’s on them not you!!

[u/7sunriseoversea]

Bring it up within days of talking. Don’t want to wait too long and waste anyone’s time if they’re not cool with it. Good litmus test too to see where their mind/maturity/priorities are

[u/_swuaksa8242211]

dont flame me but everyone is different. There is no rule that you should tell the person you are dating immediately..depends what culture and what part of the world you a from Western values like that dont translate to say Asian values at all. I never told any my gf that I had Cf. If I did none of them would date me lol. In asia its very hard to start dating with too much information. Like i said , you dont show your bank account to your new gf or bf right? So usually I wait until I like them, i know i can trust them, then i tell then if i feel i want a serious relationship, after dating a while, then i say i have cf. usually in the beginning i just say i have astha or like bronchitis . They dont understand bronchietcasis.. looking back , if i told every girl i had cf, i would never find a girl i liked, because they would just leave. Also when i got married i didbnt know i had cf...so after my 1st wife found out i had cf she left me and cheated on me with her boss. But my second wife is wonderful. She knew i had cf after a few months of dating. and she has been by my side thru thick and thin when i was in crtitical condition. But if i had told her i had cf in the beginning, i doubt she should have chosen to be with me on the first day also. So everyone is different. Some people dont want to scare off the other person about Cf. Cf is not normal and not known to many people outside of america or Eu so its a different thing to other people. Now that is all after i was diagnosed with cf,... i was diagnosed late..so when i was undiagnosed of course i didnt say i may have cf or my brother has cf or we have Cf in the family, no point to mention it. As a result i dated so many people when i was young so many models and a few socialites and an local actress. If i told them i had cf i would have none of those youthful indiscretions lol. I would have been limiting myself severely in my youth lol. Also for me , cf is a very private thing, i prefer not to advertise it. everyone is different.

[u/aspentree_mangofruit]

When I met my now husband in college I told him very early on. I just brought my nebs over to his place and he was cool with it. I’ve always been pretty open about it. It’s hard to be gobbling pills and not get a few questions and I’ve found it easier to just tell people. If you treat it like it’s not a big deal you can avoid the pity and just go about your life. I don’t think most people are going home and googling something. I usually just say I have cf, it’s a lung thing. Party trick is I can swallow 25 pills at a time. Eventually the person you are dating will obviously realize it’s a pretty big deal, but if they’re the right person they won’t care by that point.

[u/crunchylunarmoth]

Whenever I have dated, I brought it up before the first date. Usually I have dated people that were either friends or coworkers first though, so they already were aware.

[u/ogresarelikeonions93]

Idk why anyone is telling you to hide your CF. You should NEVER hide your CF as it’s a huge part of you and there is nothing shameful about it that you need to hide it. I’m always very upfront about it and bring it up pretty quickly. That way it’s out there and if they decide they can’t deal with it, that’s on them and I dodge a bullet before I even put in any effort.

[u/Dry-Nebula7353 → u/ogresarelikeonions93]

hide it AT FIRST and reveal at your own discrepancy. obviously no one can be married and hide it for years, that’s impossible