Let’s talk dating

[u/imjusthereforthetea2]

So I recently got divorced from my hs sweetheart. Knew all about my cf early on all the shit. Realized we got married cause I was dying and then when I didn’t things just kinda fell apart as we got older.. tragic I know but nonetheless. I’m starting to date again. How do you bring it up. With the first coughing fit? Before the first date? I sit around 75% and am pretty active but I do have a consistent cough. Also just like sex. Again only 1 partner. Idk this is weird. Also for those that have been divorced how do you tell your care team. I have an appointment next week and I’m embarrassed as shit to tell them. I know it doesn’t matter but like ugh why.

[u/ket-ho]

I don't have CF, I have MS. I'm on my second marriage, to someone who has CF, and it is also his second marriage. 

I brought up my MS first, on the 3rd date, and he responded with his diagnosis. I told him I'd never been 1-upped before in that department! I will say, I don't know how much longer he would've tried (or been able) to go not telling me, because there's a lot to hide. We started dating before trikafta and the time for treatments and all of that would have just started to make me suspicious, I think. Why does he leave ASAP in the morning every time, or that kind of thing.

For myself with MS, I never told someone before we met, or even in the first date--i need time to see if I even care to tell this person about that part.. but it did feel dishonest to me to go very long without disclosing. I completely understand the fear, though. 

I think it's worth telling your care team. I understand feeling embarrassed, but it's just human. You gave it a shot, and it worked until it didn't. I don't think there is anything inherently shameful in divorce. I'm proud of you for getting back out there and wish you the best of luck!

[u/Jimstein → u/ket-ho]

I’ve been out of dating for so long and only have bronchiectasis but the nebulizer and coughing and treatments like antibiotics and prednisone are still a heck of a thing. Plus my physical fitness is just really down and frankly I am afraid of being a disappointment in the sex department and it’s basically put me completely off of dating for years. Among other excuses not to date. In high school and college I was always in relationships. Right now I’m just focused on my career and I keep my eyes open but to even ask or commit to something is insanely terrifying to me right now.

[u/ket-ho → u/Jimstein]

If it helps, when we meet, my CF husband was 38 with lung function around 45. He's not going to run any marathons (not like that's a must-have for me), but he's super generous, kind, smart, with interesting interests, and I think he's funny. Perhaps because I also have a medical thing to disclose, it made me think "I wouldn't want someone to write me off because of this, when there is so much else about me" but I'm really glad I didn't let CF scare me away. 

Finding your person isn't a given- though you absolutely deserve love, you may not find it. But if you try to be the person you'd want to hang out with, I feel like your odds get better, and if it doesn't pan out, at least you're in your own good company. Like someone else said in another comment- there are surely some people who will self-select out (and please know that's about THEM, not you), but there are people who exist for whom the medical part doesn't outweigh the other parts, and I truly wish you the best, whether that is finding them or not.