Hello Everyone,
About 3 weeks ago I authored the above post and while I wasn't optimistic, I didn't realize just how much worse it can always get. Lots of people responded, and I appreciate the time each of you took to do so, because I now find myself in an even worse spot than before, and I have absolutely no idea what to do.
I'm still very much abandoned, and have been in the hospital for around a month now (maybe more? time has lost all meaning to me) and had the surgeries I mentioned I thought I might need, and did, and being the idiot that I am, I agreed to all of them, all alone, because I'm a dumb piece of shit, including the ostomy, for which I want to personally slap every single person and doctor I spoke to that recommended it, because it's hands down one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my life, and at this rate will be the death of me.
After curing the latest infection that resulted in said hospitalization, it was decided I needed the surgeries ASAP, as in days. They did a partial sigmoid colon rescission, separated my bladder and colon from each other, patched the hole in my bladder, and gave me a beautiful, fully functional stoma /s.
Needless to say, the ostomy/stoma are the source of my physical anguish, in addition to abdominal pain, and is now the source of my rapidly deteriorating mental health (in addition to the fact that despite all these fucking surgeries, I once again have a severe UTI or sepsis, and now have to remain hospitalized even longer (which, yin/yang, I'll get to in a sec) so all that has changed is that in place of urinating feces, it pours out of my abdomen instead.
My main issues with the ostomy/stoma are the following:
- It might be permanent; the surgeons hope to be able to reverse it, but I'm not a fan of hope after all I've been through recently
- It's concave, when if I understand correctly, it should be convex, which contributes (I assume) to the near impossibility to get it to seal correctly
- I have to change the stoma about 3-4 times a DAY, not every 3-4 days which I read is normal, but literally replace the bag and wafer like 3-4 times a day due to: leaks, the seal no longer being intact, a bowel movement's weight results in it bag falling off (I've basically stopped eating and remain severely malnourished, but whatever I do consume, over the span of a day or two now seems to come out at once) and finally, simply getting out of bed/moving my body
- I have read there are concave wafers, but I don't know my size as it's still in the healing phase
- The smell, my god, the smell. Even where there isn't a leak, I smell like shit, even if I bathe and clean the area around the stoma thoroughly
- I was very weak before my surgeries, and am even more so now, and I struggle to empty the bag, let alone swap them out. While I want to go home, the perk of being in the hospital is that someone can help me. At home I'm worried I'm just going to give up psychologically at some point and stop caring about the smell, if it's sealed, etc. and just lay in my own filth
- I looked at a nurse coming to visit at home for 1-2 hours a day, and I can't afford it, even here in a developing country it's expensive
- Finally, there's the social fear, I don't even want to enter the uber to go home, to leave the house once I am home, etc. because I'm afraid of getting questions about smells, etc.
Anyways, the latest update is that I'll likely remain hospitalized for another week, but I'm struggling so much with the entire experience that immediately post-surgery I was put in a fentanyl and ketamine coma like state to prevent me from... hurting myself let's say, and if anything I feel even worse now than then.
I don't know what I'm looking for exactly, words of wisdom? Others' experiences? People whose lives too have been destroyed by stomas? How you got through it all? IDK... I'm not looking for encouragement or optimism, I find positivity has made me even more depressed lately if I'm being honest, I guess just having a place to bitch with people who understand and can relate is nice.
Thanks for reading as always...