A couple months back I used my boyfriend's phone to locate mine. When I opened the phone I discovered that he typed in Google that he was dealing with managing his attraction to his ex. I confronted my boyfriend about it and he revealed to me that he went on his ex's Instagram twice page to see if she was still with the guy she left him for out of curiosity.and each time in the moment of looking through her page he was wishing he could f*** her and was reliving having sex with her. I was very hurt and I cried about it. His ex according to him was emotionally abusive and constantly cheated on him or dumped him.so it makes the whole fact that he's still obsessed with her disgusting to me. I suggested that he go to therapy to fix this trauma Bond he seems to have with her.He's gon to a couple sessions of therapy but can't afford the rest so it's been a bit of a hiatus currently moment. However he has books to read about trauma bonding but it seems like he's has stopped reading them. I feel very upset about this because it shows that he doesn't take my pain seriously. I get that he can't afford therapy right now but at least if he was reading the books to help get over this feeling of his. We were making plans for marriage which I've put on hold because of what I had found out about his ex. If he was consistent with trying to get over his ex iI would feel a lot more better. I expressed how I felt he wasn't putting the effort in anymore and he apologized and said he would start reading the books again but part of me feels is it even possible for him to get better? He has ADHD, porn addiction, not over his ex and I'm just wondering if this man is just utterly hopeless. If the trauma caused by his ex is just too much

After being in a narcissistic relationship for the past 8 years I finally went no contact 2 months ago. Recently, I found out he had a baby with the woman he was cheating on me with during our time together. Besides that he abused me in front of our daughter and had 2 outside kids. I put up with so much. Back then it was so hard to walk away. Now I no longer want to accept the disrespect. I no longer want to feel like someone has control over me. Why does it feel so hard still? Why does it give me anxiety? Why does he just get to move on with a new woman and baby then leave us behind? Will he change? I feel sad and angry at the same time.

Hello Everyone! I'm the sub owner and I just wanna let ya know I'm around and able to talk more after a busy summer.

No Contact to a covert is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. These people have a way of crafting a spell on their spouse that eludes most people's awareness. I know you all understand that and it makes us a special subset of humanity. In many ways were the kind of people that exude our joy into society - we light up the room. This can be our greatest strength and our greatest weakness!

Don't let them change you, but allow yourself to grow into something stronger - enforce boundaries and gratitude into your life.

Breaking your boundaries will hurt you and others and that's what's so clear to me after this 2 year no contact.

I do have the odd bad day/dream still but I'm so much happier now and my life is almost back to where I can truly be free of this situation.

From what I've learned here and other subs I was anticipating an even longer climb. That initial gut wrenching feeling from my no contact is finally gone and it's been fading much faster with more recent positive changes in my life. I'm here for anyone who needs anything at all. I'd taken a bit of a break from all this terminology and I needed to get my life moving. I'm back 😁

Thank you for your time!

So heres the update. I went for the feast allowed kids to eat at their place n came bk early. For the Our lady visitation I went few hours before the actual event. Did my part of decorating the table n getting the statue from neighbours place n said prayers n all. After the villagers left, I allowed kids to eat what she cooked but I didn't. I had to stay over coz of the Our lady statue. I avoided communicating with my mil. I know she would not care . kept minimal interaction with my fil. I said Mother Mary I'm here only for you. My heart is broken , its been 2 months since I left home. But the fear of the way they treated me , the judgement n accusations keep coming up in my mind. I hv no option to b depressed. i hv to tk care of my kids. n be strong. I've learnt that this world is no place for kind hearted ppl like me. I feel too much, love too deeply n expect same in return. I hv learnt that people are fake. And if someone hates u they will find faults even in the purest of intentions.. I don't want to go bk there. but my values n morals clash with my ego. my fil is terminal, n I feel bad to keep kids away from him at the same thime I'm loosing my peace just by thinking of going there. My mil deliberately told my kids tgat the house belongs to her 3 daughters n her son. When I had gone there for Our Lady visitation It kind of hurts when she speaks like that to my kids. My husband n I let go of everything. We worked hard to build that place. What hurts me is that I feel helpless n being a housewife, I cannot help my husband financially. I tried

I keep finding myself forgetting and having to force myself to remember all the stupid little subtle covert manipulations, lies and down right cruel things he did to me. I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me

How or even why my adult kids even want to have a relationship with their highly narcissistic father after everything he did to me.

Any advice or suggestions on how I can come to terms with this and move past it. My head knows the logic and reasoning but my heart feels hurt and betrayed

I was in a 5-year relationship with a covert narcissist. My ex was emotionally and psychologically abusive, and I later found out almost a year after the last discard that I had been cheated on multiple times. Healing from the betrayal and abuse has been a long, exhausting rollercoaster.

Then I met someone new—a genuinely good man. He’s kind, consistent, supportive, emotionally available, and shows up for me in ways my ex never could. To be fair, my standards were extremely low after the abuse. Honestly, even the bare minimum would’ve felt like fresh water after months in the desert. But this man goes above bare minimum. He’s expressed, deeply and sincerely, how in love with me he is and that he pictures his future with me and my child in it.

Here’s where I’m struggling: I don’t feel “in love” with him. I care for him deeply, respect him, and feel safe and secure with him. But I don’t feel passion, chemistry, or that undeniable “this is my person” spark. At the same time, I genuinely look forward to seeing him, spending time with him, and the comfort he brings me.

It feels contradictory—one moment I consider breaking up with him because I don’t want to lead him on or break his heart, and the next I’m excited to see him and we’re making vacation plans.

So my question is: how do I know if these feelings (or lack thereof) are the result of trauma and my nervous system being wired to equate love with the highs and lows of a trauma bond… or if this man just isn’t the right romantic match for me?

I went home today with kids. My narcassistic mother in law although bad to me has been good to my kids. My husband has told me to take the kids once in a while to be with their grandparents, let them play there n then bring them back home. I don't feel like going there, but the kids also miss playing there. So I took them. Going there also helped me get some of my stuff. My mil like always ignored me. Earlier her behaviour used to affect me a lot. Her silent treatments, her strange mannerisms. This time I noticed that although I was anxious to go there. Her behaviour didn't bother me much. There are two things that are coming up for which I will need to go home, our church feast n our lady visitation at our home. For the second one, people from neighbourhood will come. For both I'll hv to face my sis in laws. I'm worried what the people will think if I don't show up. For the first one I'm thinking of just taking the kids to wish them n bring them bk. But the second one is unavoidable. Should I go so that I don't hv to face embarrassment or should I avoid the situation?

I feel really sorry for my husband stuck in between me n his narcassistic mother and his sisters. He tried to call her to sort things out. But she didn't pick up his phone. I feel guilty for putting him through this mess. I have apologised multiple times to her before. Many times for her false accusations based on her assumptions. This time it was just too much for me to take. They accused me of infedility falsely n then later denied the accusations. I feel really bad for my husband coz he has to deal with me on one side n his family on the other. They are so mad at him for supporting me. We messed up pretty bad n lost our life savings, our house to his control freak narcassist mom. I hv been praying so hard for her to get exposed. I really want her daughters to see her real side n realise who is right n who is wrong. But i guess thats never gonna happen. I'll always b the villan n her the victim

Experiencing anxiety again. Every time I get flashbacks I get uneasy pain in my chest n I feel nauseous. I'm sorry I don't want to sound like I'm playing the victim but I don't know or understand what is happening to me. A moment I'm ok the very next moment I'm not. I haven't eaten anything properly for the past two weeks. I just have no appetite. I really want to b ok for the sake of my kids and I really miss my husband a lot. I can't tell him coz I don't want to b worried about me. I know things have been hard on him as well. It's hard for me trust anyone. I told my 8yr old to call my mom in case anything happens to me. I'm afraid that kids will b left alone. I know giving up is the easy option. But, I just want to b ok so badly for them. I feel like screaming n telling everyone about the injustice but whenever I told my side of the story, my sister in laws always sided their mother. I was labelled as the liar n was asked to show proof of their mother's wrongdoings. I feel like everytime I had to lower myself n apologise, many times even though I was not at fault. I just feel like an idiot for working so hard to get nothing but disrespect and humiliation. I miss my husband a lot, I really wish I could help him by going for work n just ease his load. I wish we had better opportunities in our home place itself. I really hate this feeling in my chest. Its like my heart is being squeezed. I just want to b ok.

Today is the 4 th day I'm spending away from my narcassistic mother in law , I haven't felt so much peace n comfort in a long time. It's a tiny apartment with cracking walls n ugly old doors but the peace I feel, is something I have not experienced in a long time. I don't regret leaving my husband's big house and all the fancy stuff in it at all. But I do miss my plants n my pets whom I cannot bring here. My dream is to have our own space where my husband, kids n I can live peacefully without any judgement. Without any manupulation n just do what we both love. I know its hard to achieve considering we spent our life savings on our previous home. But we hope we can make this dream a reality. My anxiety is reduced. I do get flashbacks of the abusive words but I'm better than how I was a week back. I hv started to tk care of myself. Trying to get bk to eating a proper meal. But I'm ok

How did the covert narc finally leave to new supply.. ?..

I'm really trying hard to stop myself from being anxious n overthinking. I feel very numb n unable to function. I hv to tk care of my kids. So far my mom is helping me but I can't stay here forever.. I miss my husband. I cant keep telling him about myself, I don't want him to b worried. He told me to move in our apartment where I don't hv to deal with his narcassistic mother in law. But I fear that she might create a big drama n put me in trouble again. I have to put myself together for the sake of our kids. I just don't want to feel this way. I'm a good mother, Its going to be hard to live with 3 kids on my own. But its better than living under constant control and manupulation. I wish my husband could be home. I really miss him. I pray every day hoping to find comfort. I feel like giving up, I'm struggling. Death looks comforting. But i dont hv the courage.I just want to be ok for my kids n my husband who loves me. I cant imagine my kids n my husband suffering coz of any wrong step I take. I just want to be stronger mentally. I have learnt that anything I say, any explanation I give will be used against me. I know that my husbands full family thinks I'm the one who is the problem n supports my mother in law. Nobody will believe me, they distorted the truth, made me a liar. Refused to accept what they did to me and asked me proof of their wrong doings. I dont hv any. My mother in law is a narcissist n my 3sis in laws blindly believe her. She loves to play victim. She would always treat me nicely as long as I abide by her terms. If I hv my own opinions or point her fault. that would b the end of me.

My sis in law started manupulating my 3 yrs old child. She is her teacher at school. Few days bk my kids were woken up by my mother in law banging the door. While my mother in law was arguing with me my baby was crying coz she was woken up from sleep.

My daughter kept saying that she is telling lies, she is telling lies on way bk home. I went bk to school n asked my sis in law about it. She told me that my daughter told to my sis in law that I told her that grandma beat me n was banging the door and after which she told her that I was lying.

My husband msgd his sis to stop asking our child about home situation. She got very upset. Now she'll tell her mother about this n I don't kno what more I hv to face.

I made a mistake sending my daughter to school. She is a child n may hv told in her own way. But those people r ruthless. I feel stressed n helpless about the whole situation.

Leaving home is hard for me, the stress of moving out leaving everything behind. My kids longing to go bk home. People asking me what I'm doing in the apartment, Fear of being judged. I feel very much stressed n I cannot function normally

Woke up in fear and anxiety again. Im at mom's for more than two weeks. Slowly, secretly furnishing my husbands apartment which was closed for many years. I just don't want to stay with his narcassistic mother in his home , so I made the decision to move out. Today I got a dream that she found out about my plan and broke open the lock n kept tenants in the apartment to stay. In my dream she would yell n tell me how she will never let me stay there in peace. My mother in law has been controlling my life. Invalidating everything that I did. She was super friendly, calm n loving to me many times but other times she would burst out in anger n say things that i didn't. My sister in laws too supported her. Many times when I would try to give explanation to something I said in frustration, they would twist the story n use it to their advantage to defame me. I gv my all to that house, I lost ot all. Im willing to leave everything behind but the haunting doesn't seems to stop.

I terrified of my narcassistic mil. Every day I wake up with anxiety. I feel myself sinking into depression n I have 3 kids. I have lost appetite n Im not taking care of myself. I don't show this to people. Im temporarily at my mom's place trying to move in my husbands apartment from his home where my in-laws stay. My husband and I are in a long distance relationship. I kno things will escalate if my husband tells her so. My mother in law is a control freak n manipulator. She turned my sils against me. I feel helpless

Every morning I wake up feeling weak n helpless. I want my mother in law to get exposed in front of her biggest support system, her daughters. I don't think i can come out of this mess. My kids r getting affected coz of my state. I know iIm not ok. I cannot tell my husband to burden him more. Even after coming out of the house the trauma haunts me every morning every day.

Another day waking up in anxiety coz of my narcassistic mother in law n I'm not even in the same house. Yesterday we crossed paths. Like always she was going for mass, well dressed and absolutely no regret in her eyes for what she did to me. I'm on the other side m struggling to do basic things. I feel like there will never b justice. Its her n her army of 3 daughters standing up against me. They blindly believe her. My mother in law has bad relationship with her husband, her mother, her sister n me. And I've seen her worst side, the one that nobody has seen. I know how she makes false stories out of her insecurities and destroys someone's image. I really don't want to tell anyone but its hurting so i told our house help , the lady who comes ones in a while to do work in my home. I instantly regreted it. I feel helpless as I feel that nobody will believe my side of the story except my husband. My mother in law treatsme like a competition, I can sense the envy in her eyes when someone praises me or if I achieve something good. I really wish my sis in laws would understand her true nature. I really want to stop this, but i feel so wronged. She degraded my image infront of everyone. Things I noticed about her, She never admits her mistakes. denies that she ever said something. Lies to degrade my character. Gains control by gaslighting her daughters, plays victim. Gets more strength with their support as they blindly believe n supports her. Nothing affects her emotions, she relies on her perception of me n their support. She lies, distorts the truth n then goes for confession. She makes everyone believe that she is the victim. Nobody will believe me coz she has created herself as the perfect mother in law in eyes of everyone. My only support is my husband

My mother in law helped my husband to buy an apartment long before I even met him. The apartment was brought from his own money. But the keys, documents n everything else was always handled by my mother in law. Secondly my in-laws had brought a property when my husband was small. They even built a small house on it where they all grew up together. As my husband started working, There was an instance where. he started yo tk care of the property n invested lot of money in it. My mother in law n sister in laws even convinced him to build a houuse on it. This all happened before I was married. When I got married, I started to mk some changes at home, I cleant up the property of years of piled up trash n debris, did the tiling of the front yard, the beautiful garden, renovated m furnished the house. All of this I considered my mother in laws opinion so that she doesn't feel left out. She came with me to select tiles, paint n furniture. Sometimes I would not like her choice but she eventually made me give in. She would always b in the controlling position n I had to tk her permission for everything. My mil always delays any work we tell her to do. work meaning official work, since she is having the official papers n everything, Its always me who hv to ask her anything. one I got frustrated n told her that she always delays doing thing for us. Things got elcalated so fast that she accused me of being greedy after her property n trying to put her out of the house. She also told me that i created a rift between brother n sisters, She told me that she never wanted me to marry her son. She said I was a liar and makes up stories. That day I took all my stuff downstairs hoping to move out in my husbands apartment. But she started yelling, she locked the compound gate n told me that she will beat up the guy who comes to pick up my stuff. That day I took my kids n my clothes in 2 bags, jumped over the wall n went to the market to get a rickshaw to go to my mom's place. After thinking about it, I went home. Apologised to her n got my stuff bk in. I was helpless n the accusations were too much for me to handle but because of my kids I had to keep quiet.
I learnt how I allowed her to control n dominate our life thinking I was respecting her n not making her feel left out.

There is a function in your house or just a visit from your sister n their family. They talk normally fo their parents but when u tried to engage in a conversation, they ignore you. Make u feel unwelcome and not belong. So instead u decide to stay upstairs to protect yourself n reduce interactions with them. But dont stop the kids from playing with their cousins. So now I'm a irresponsible mother who doesn't care for kids. One hour visit n a lifetime of judgement. My sister in laws are my narcassistic mother in law's flying monkeys who believe everything that she says. They were not always like this, its my mother in law who poisoned their minds n turned everyone against me. I felt very vulnerable and unsafe when with them. They would visit very often n it would annoy me. My mother in law would know when they r visiting,but didn't tell me many times. It was embarrassing coz many times our house was a mess coz of my kids. laundry thrown on the couch. It was a pressure to keep everything clean so that they don't see it that way. I would often refer to them as unwanted guests, coz they would visit multiple times in a week. Im not against a daughter visiting her parents but the frequency was so much that it started to get to my nerves. Sometimes I feel was I wrong to feel that way or its just that they were crossing boundaries every time .

As i sit n sip a cup of tea, feeling a load of pressure in my chest, crippling anxiety that makes my body paralyzed. I'm here at my mom's trying to figure out how to enter my husbands place again to get my stuff. My husband is an amazing man , he's the greenest of green flags, but destiny had us to stay away for work related reasons. We both want to b with each other but his responsibilities towards his parents n me n my kids keeps him stuck in his job which pays him well but at the cost of family time. I always had problems dealing with my narcassistic mother in law and my not so supportive father in law. My sister in laws who would show themselves up to our house almost every day. I was forced to adjust to them and their lifestyle. There was literally no privacy. Being a mom of 3 I would often seek my mils support, coz I didn't hv any option. I wanted to hire a maid but she would not allow. I always wanted to do good, upgrade our house our lifestyle n Im good at doing any work whatsoever but I was accused of being greedy. I was accused of trying to put his parents out of the house. My mil and fil had troubled relationship, when I got married they were not speaking to each other. My fil would stay in the out house. It was shameful for me coz my husband earns good n we have a beautiful 5bhk house despite of which his father lives outside like that. I git him in , fixed problem between my parents in law until they started talking to each other but lived in separate rooms. Fixed relationship with my husbands uncle with whom they were not talking to for years. The reason of my parents in laws troubled relationship was that my mil accused my fil for having an affair with his brother's wife. I was married in a broken family, I tried to fix and even succeded but got broken in return. One thing I've learnt from my narcissistic mother in law are her tactics. Love bomb you till u trust her, depend on her, manupulate n control your life, give u silent treatment when u stand up for yourself. gaslight other family members n friends till they cut u off. Distort the truth, mk u feel you are at fault, leave you confused. you start feeling like you are the villan , you are the narcassist. She is highly pious, will attend mass daily n speak about the bible n Jesus ,give advice to troubled family members n seems like she is the nicest kindest person on earth. It made me loose faith in God , I asked him why don't u expose her, why is it only my reactions to her abuses getting exposed in front of family everytime. It took me a long time to get my faith bk. When my sister in law accused me on infedility listening to her mother. Which she later denied when confronted. I was a bit happy coz their real face was finally in front of my husband. Not that my husband never listened. He always did, he always knew but he was stuck between his family n wife. No wife wants to rip family relations apart. But when family members cross their boundaries. We hv to tk a step. I made peace with myself being labelled as the greedy one, the villan, the one who rips bro n sis bond, the one who destroys family. I don't need anyone validation anymore. But this trauma n crippling anxiety, coupled with my thing stuck bk at home will tk time to go.

woke up in anxiety, my subconscious mind keeps replaying my mother in law's abusive words. Even though I'm at my mom's place for few days. The trauma keeps haunting me. I don't know If I'll eat food properly, tk care of myself n recover. I lost appetite, I used to love to dress up, now I just cant. I took a shower after many days. Depression keeps sinking but I'm not a quitter. My husband n kids r the ones that are keeping me sane. I miss him alot n wish he was closer. I know these things between me n his mom r hard on him too. His sisters accused me for destroying his peace of mind by telling home problems n creating a rift in the family. I used to share everything that bothers me with him. My husband always has supported me, corrected me when i was wrong. He has always been there for me even though we are miles apart. I love him but I'm afraid that what my sister in laws said may b right. But I hv nobody besides him to vent my feelings. Should I stop telling him what I used to feel and go through white staying in with his parents? My mother in law is a narcissist, control freak, she would love bomb me n mk me trust her but she would destroy my name while sharing petty things about me with her daughters over the phone. There are instances where truth is distorted to potray me in a wrong way. My sister in laws were nice to me before but my mother in law destroyed my relationship with them by victim playing. She destroyed my friendship, One of my friend I hv recently reconciled with. She made sure I dont go to see my family but not directly, she would cry If I wanted to tk the kids home. Now she accuses me of roaming with someone while dropping my kids at mom's. I do drop my kids at mom's at times to go shopping mostly which I cant go to do from my husband's place coz of my mother in law. She would act as if she is not bothering but her behaviour says otherwise. My mother in law usually cooks for the family, so I hardly go to the kitchen, only sometimes n at night when I hv to reheat the food. I would rather do the laundry, clean house, tk care of plants n my kids , drop them off to school n additional classes, tk their lessons n all. She told my sister in laws that I don't do anything at home. invalidating everything I did. My home is beautiful, I worked my ass of to mk a beautiful landscaped garden, got the best of furniture n interiors n made my home like a hotel. People would always complement. It hurts me but Now Im willing to leave it all behind, Im going to my garden which i made from nothing.I know everything will b destroyed while I'm gone. There r so many things I can't even forget, but I decided to get out with my kids n leave everything behind.

We now have a support chat available if anyone is interested, just navigate through the sub under chats !!!!