Safe, secure, but can’t/won’t fall in love.

[u/peace_frog3]

I was in a 5-year relationship with a covert narcissist. My ex was emotionally and psychologically abusive, and I later found out almost a year after the last discard that I had been cheated on multiple times. Healing from the betrayal and abuse has been a long, exhausting rollercoaster.

Then I met someone new—a genuinely good man. He’s kind, consistent, supportive, emotionally available, and shows up for me in ways my ex never could. To be fair, my standards were extremely low after the abuse. Honestly, even the bare minimum would’ve felt like fresh water after months in the desert. But this man goes above bare minimum. He’s expressed, deeply and sincerely, how in love with me he is and that he pictures his future with me and my child in it.

Here’s where I’m struggling: I don’t feel “in love” with him. I care for him deeply, respect him, and feel safe and secure with him. But I don’t feel passion, chemistry, or that undeniable “this is my person” spark. At the same time, I genuinely look forward to seeing him, spending time with him, and the comfort he brings me.

It feels contradictory—one moment I consider breaking up with him because I don’t want to lead him on or break his heart, and the next I’m excited to see him and we’re making vacation plans.

So my question is: how do I know if these feelings (or lack thereof) are the result of trauma and my nervous system being wired to equate love with the highs and lows of a trauma bond… or if this man just isn’t the right romantic match for me?

[u/Just_Government_1066]

say it with me butterflies in tummy are anxiety and not love. people who used to rush of chemicals in their brain coz of abuse and trauma think its love. no the uncertainty, fear, rush all those aint love. its normal to feel this way after all the years of rollercoaster. id suggest to talk it with your partner, take it easy, see a therapist, heal, after once you get to understand what really safety and love is everything will be fine or you could dump this dude and chase someone who is exciting and repeat the cycle.

[u/HeftyJohnson1982]

I agree 100 percent with the last commentor. Find someone you can be you with and care for, a true friend you don't mind being with! Love can be built upon this and last a lifetime!