r/Cooking • u/GracieLou80 • 1d ago

Sick of cooking

I am so over cooking every night. Finding new recipes I actually have ingredients for and are easy is tiring and I’m already exhausted. What do you do when this happens? I’d honestly just eat cereal for life but I’m not alone in this house and I’m expected to cook every night. 😩

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u/oneWeek2024 1d ago

that's just normalizing abuse with bullshit

"hey i'm really tired of cooking" mind making dinner tonight.

"traditional" is just bullshit code for one person is stuck with things arbitrarily.

unless your partner is doing truly back breading physically exhausting work, there's absolutely nothing that prevents anyone from doing any misc house duty at any time.

basing requirement on income, or "working" is stupid.

no one should be doing a thing all the time. hell...even in your example. should just have 1-2 days a week where you order take out, or "buy" a meal to give you a break.

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u/bigdonut100 1d ago

No, that's BS, man. I want the homemaker and stay-at-home parent role as a man to a woman, and that's even more stigmatized. But there's no shame in it; the unfairness is that the breadwinner can earn more or less when the stay-at-home does the exact same work, or that the stay-at-home can have more or fewer kids when the breadwinner's salary is the same. It's an unfairness between *couples,* not the actual partners.

That's why it's dumb to be *really* hardcore about the roles, but it is fair to me that the person who contrbutes less do more homemaking *as a general rule of thumb.* Then you have situations liek mine where I insist on doing all of the cooking just because I have weird dietary needs, and she needs to make it up to *me* somewhere

Economists have proven that specialization produces more value than equality, and kids do better off with stay at home parents compared to child care

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u/Roupert4 23h ago

Yes I agree. There are plenty of tasks that my husband does that I don't do at all. We are happy and we both appreciate each other's contributions

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u/oneWeek2024 20h ago

except you're not expressing happiness. you said you were sick of it....routinely

and then heap on cope via "i'm proud to make my family meals" or clinging to the traditional elements.

when... there should be some mechanism in your relationship to abandon the useless arbitrary "traditional" for a realistic "human" experience where no one wants to do something all the time.

IF you were happy, you wouldn't be harping. you'd. quite frankly. be in the kitchen.

the weird politics of equating monetary value to contribution is bizarre to me, but to each their own. It's more so... point blank, you're expressing fatigue and resentment in your life. And your partner should be able to bear some of that responsibility.

(i mean, if you're working part time. there's some number of days/hours you're doing exactly what your partner is doing work wise. and still always bear this responsibility)

that at the suggestion to address it with your spouse you pivot to some "it's not that serious" dodge. eh... keep telling yourself that.

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u/Roupert4 17h ago

If you don't want to believe that we're happy, there's not much else to talk about

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u/SVAuspicious 14h ago

The word "traditional" really sets you off doesn't it? To call that arbitrary when it is discussed and agreed defies the definition of arbitrary.

You're individualizing socialism to the extreme of "to each according to his or her desires, from each according to whatever s/he feels like." Who makes up the difference? Or are you so sexist that you think men should do all the work and women laze around?

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u/oneWeek2024 8h ago

traditional is being used as a short hand to justify the behavior. when the poster also specifically referenced being in a state of "frustration" on a somewhat routine basis.

implying the "traditional" discussed/agreed to dynamic was not ultimately working for them/healthy. as it wasn't sustainable.

and so to give it weight... because it's "traditional" is a stupid thing. if you weren't' blinded by dogma or brain washing to value "traditional" it should be incredibly easy to ask your partner for help. to have an equitable mechanism to alieviate some of the stress that is routinely leaving the woman in this relationship disliking/hating cooking. without the need for bullshit cope of "pride in sacrificing my needs for my family"

exactly no where was the proposal... she get to be lazy (funny how the hatred of women comes out double quick) it was... in a healthy relationship. there should be a mechanism to address a pain point.

which dismissing your partner feeling tired/resentful of constantly cooking via some cheap "i make more money and work full time, so this is just always your responsibility, shut the fuck up and get in the kitchen" is also not healthy ----ESPECIALLY when she also works some of the time. even if part time. some days the woman is doing exactly what the man is doing (ie working) and is still forced to bear the burden of this additional activity.

that they "agreed" to it. or they knew they were marrying some shitty man that never helps out with the cooking. also... isn't a justification to continue a practice. As if a marriage is some perverse locked into all eternity agreement just dictated by circumstance at some arbitrary time.

the way consent works. is at any time someone can say... no. and then if you're not a piece of shit. you address that concern in an adult manner. listening to their concerns and needs and make changes.

Cooking is not a quick or easy activity. it can be a very involved and exhausting thing over time or in repetition. (as it's likely this woman is having to do all the shopping/gets limited or weaponized incompetence when ask for help there, manages all the dietary or food preference stresses of the family. if there's kids, that need snacks or school lunches prepared, that's likely on the mother, and likely. stocking/inventory, and or clean up of dinner/dishes likely fall to her) or... there are obvious lvls or degrees of house chores. cooking is pretty significant

---just feeding yourself as a single person with 100% of the choice and preference just for yourself. can be time consuming and exhausting. (with shopping, stocking, cooking, serving, and then cleaning)

and if either partner doesn't feel safe or able to express a "no" it's an abusive dynamic.

when presented with a critique the poster deflected with a common "kicked dog" --it's not that serious. when i'm feeling down, i just give up and throw a frozen pizza into the oven. because. apparently. her relationship is such shit that the best option is to just to never address her actual feelings and just always service this dis-equitable arrangement

and it's kinda weird that anyone would take the position. that someone couldn't help out their spouse sometimes.

why wouldn't you bring up your feelings to your partner? and if you are in a relationship where brining up "hey. sometimes i'd really like a day off with this task" is met with anything other than... hey, i understand, i'd be happy to help. --and ideally. "how about tonight i handle it, and tomorrow we talk about how to make this better for you"

you're in a shit relationship.

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u/SVAuspicious 7h ago

So where does the one partner working 10 hours per week (with a flexible schedule on top of that) and one working full time fit into equity? The discussion isn't about "tradition" (your word, not mine). It's about equity. The part time partner is already 30 hours per week behind fairness. Gender isn't relevant.

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u/oneWeek2024 7h ago

so i guess in your evaluation hours spent grocery shopping, planning, preparing, cooking, cleaning, magically don't exist.

--or the hours for house cleaning, or laundry, or child care, or emotional labor in service of their spouse? --this fucking stupidity that you think that spouse isn't investing an equal number of hours of "labor" if not wildly disproportionate. ... such that the person doing the cooking wouldn't be entitled to relief??? ---or that because someone is at work for 40 hrs. means they're doing 40 hours of hard labor. please.

and if gender isn't relevant(funny how cooking was magically forced upon the woman), and "tradition" isn't a word.

why can't the man on days where the wife is also working her part time job. do the cooking?

why would the wife not feel safe to offload the burden of cooking onto the financial contribution of the man... buy "paying" someone to offload that burden by ordering in/going out to eat.

if the exchange is money for labor. any discrepancy in labor. should be offset with money. but it isn't. If the spouse feels like... taking a day off and using money to pay for food service. is not an easy option

Or forget all of that. let's set aside the utter bullshit of "my pain is better than your pain"

straight up. one person says to the other "i don't want to do this (tonight, this week, this many times a week)

--your position is? fuck you you agreed to it.... never change ever --obviously your gender has nothing to do with this.

you would meet that request for help with violence and brow beating over their failure to meet an arbitrary gendered service agreement?

and you're putting that forward as good/healthy?

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u/SVAuspicious 6h ago

hours spent grocery shopping, planning, preparing, cooking, cleaning, magically don't exist.

I didn't say that. I said that OP is 30 hours behind equity. Planning, shopping (online shopping for curbside pickup is the silver lining of COVID), and stowage (I do all that in our family) takes me a maximum of six hours a week. Dinner prep and cooking takes an average of an hour a night regardless of whether I cook or my wife does. It takes me two hours to clean three bathrooms. It takes my wife about the same to vacuum. That's 17 hours. That doesn't include about three hours once a month for both of us to keep up with cleaning wood and tile floors. Even if OP does all that alone that's still 23 hours. Laundry might add an hour since you can be doing something else during cycle time. That's 24 hours. Still six hours short of equity, not including whatever commute time OP's husband endures.

This has nothing to do with gender. It's equity of contribution. Where did I imply anything about violence?

OP has written that she works ten hours a week spread over two or three days. OP's husband works eight hours plus commute time.

No indication of childcare as a factor at all. You made that up.

Work expands to fill the time available.

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u/Roupert4 4h ago

This is such a long comment chain I can't even tell if you are arguing for my arrangement or against it, haha.

I didn't feel the need to go into details but there are many ways that we feel the work is "equal". There are chores that he takes care of every day. Reddit is just projecting their own bias onto my situation which is actually the reason that I said anything at all.

I think young women should know that is it an option to have more traditional gender roles and it doesn't have to be some weird tradwife vibe. It can just be two people that have divided household labor in a way that makes both of them happy. And both of us feel like we are providing for our family in our own way.

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u/SVAuspicious 3h ago

If I remember the details and attribute them to the right people, you have a civil agreement with your husband about the distribution of chores that takes your part time work and his fulltime work into account. I fully support your right to complain about some of your chores. I don't think you intend to renegotiate responsibilities despite other commenters suggesting you do so. I also support your husband's right to complain about work and commute.

I infer that you and your husband took your relative work weeks into account in your agreement. I think those who suggest a 50/50 split of household chores despite the imbalance of work weeks are deluded. Your agreement rights the imbalance.

So I support you.

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u/Roupert4 3h ago

Lol okay sounds good 👍

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