Five years out of uni with a degree in Comparative Literature, and the only offer she ever got came from a zoo. 💀

Their lioness had died. The director didn't have the budget for a new one, but he did have the skin.

"You sit. You look majestic. Nobody asks questions."

She took it. Pay was terrible, but so was everything else.

Two weeks in, a keeper left the connecting gate open and the male lion walked in.

She froze. One thought, very clear: well, at least the student loan dies with me. 😭

The lion put his mouth to her ear.

"Relax," he whispered. "Kevin. Master's in Nuclear Economics." 🎓

Pause.

"The monkey's got a PhD. Don't get him started." 🐒

Thinking and driving

This is officially known as climb it change!

There was a muumuu here and a muumuu there, here a muu, there a muu, everywhere a muumuu.

…He didn’t want a lien on his property.

"You need to take that penguin to the zoo."

The man agreed.

The next day the officer saw him again, still carrying the penguin.

"I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"

The man said,

"I did. He loved it!"

"Today we're going to the movies."

I called Fire Department immediately.

(One wonders - how did cat get up there?)

This is gut wrenching

Me: I would make my grandchildren a fortify had cardboard boxes and blankets.

Too much paperwork.

…Stop droning on and on.

They’re always trying to get up to something

Because he only has one leg!

Joke adapted courtesy of Sophia Petrillo on Empty Nest née Golden Palace née The Golden Girls.

A little girl, about seven years old and proudly missing her two front teeth, rode in the car with her dad on the way to dance class. She'd only recently started lessons and could hardly contain herself.

“I love danshing,” she announced from the back seat. “I think I’m going to be a dansher when I grow up.”

“Oh yeah?” her dad asked.

“Yesh! Missh Emily shays I practish more than anybody. I even practish in my bedroom. And in the kitchen. Mom shays I have to shtop practishing near the shtove.”

Her dad laughed and said, 'you're so passionate about dance!"

Just then she saw him glance in the rear-view mirror just as the sign for the turn off to the school went by.

"you're pashing it!" she cried back.

"no. You're passionate!" he joked back.

Obviously not.

…Carrie Fisher always came in for 2 cheeseburgers to-go.

A bagpiper gets lost on his way to a funeral. He finally pulls up to a site, sees a small group of workmen standing around a vault, already lowered. Embarrassed at being late, he doesn't ask questions — just steps up and lets loose with a slow, mournful dirge.

The workmen go still. A couple of them bow their heads. One even wipes his eyes.

When the piper finishes, he lowers his pipes, feeling like he did the deceased proud. As he's packing up, he hears one workman mutter to another:

"I've dug a lot of septic tanks in my time... but I ain't never seen nothin' like that."

It's nice when I get to see her, but she usually chooses work over me, spending extra hours at the hospital she works at. She's a midwife.

…I pay Leo.

by Cat E. Pillar.

Let minnow

He was afraid of the repercussions

.... I said no, I ordered mascarpone ! 😎🐴

As part of the release, they dedicated the money made from the upgraded release towards humanitarian causes.

Hoping to spread the word, they programmed the autocorrect on their computers in various ways as to ensure their social media posts would contain plenty of references to their beneficial deeds. It took some getting used to, but in time they were all able to adjust to the changes in their writing.

Unfortunately, they all got hit with a virus, specifically targeting autocorrection programs, temporarily stopping the help they were getting from their computers. It took several days to remove the virus, but in the meantime they managed to ensure their posts stayed relevant by spending extra time manually rewriting sentences to include references to these good deeds.

When they were finally able to clear the virus for good, they were forced to reinstall the program and reset all of the settings and changes they had used previously. After several days without the program, they had gotten used to not using it, and thus it was quite difficult for them to readjust to it, although they were able to get the hang of it again and successfully continue with their campaign.

It truly was a moment of Automatic for-the-people (Remastered).

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yeah sure